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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be concerned about DDs occasional drug use?

999 replies

saltyskies8 · 25/05/2021 16:18

DD is 27, living in the city as a single professional and has a fantastic social life (in normal times!). We are very close and have the sort of relationship where she feels able to tell me about most things I'd say. Since moving to the city for work a couple of years ago, she's openly told me that her and her friends will occasionally use cocaine or MDMA on nights out or in and that it's very much normal amongst everyone she knows there. DD is otherwise very fit and healthy and personally, I see her drug use as entirely normal for someone of her age group who is young, single and enjoying life in the city.

DH and I got talking last night after watching a series on bbc3 about drug use and I mentioned DDs recreational drug use, which he was not previously aware of. DH is highly concerned and has accused me of being irresponsible for not being concerned about her health and advising she seeks help. I explained my view that most people in their 20s living in the city are doing this and he believes I'm completely deluded and DD has a problem.

I'm genuinely interested to know others thoughts on this? AIBU in not being worried about drug use at this stage in DDs life?

FYI I completely appreciate there are ethical issues in terms of gang crime, county lines etc. but DD and her friends are already well aware of this and I'd rather focus on the health aspect of this for the purpose of this thread :)

OP posts:
hagtry · 25/05/2021 17:52

@RLOU30 well done

hagtry · 25/05/2021 17:53

@LST of course they don't but do you think that would change the statistics dramatically?

JellyTumble · 25/05/2021 17:53

YABU and yes, you’re deluded.

I never took drugs in my 20s nor did anyone I associated with Confused It’s not normal at all; your kid is fobbing you off and hanging out with a bad crowd.

hagtry · 25/05/2021 17:54

How trustworthy is this do you reckon? Is it just someone ticking yes to an illegal activity.

It's an indication isn't it like every statistic

NerrSnerr · 25/05/2021 17:54

I took some drugs as a teen and in my early 20s. I soon realised that is wasn't any good for my mental health and stopped. The thing I regret about it is the ethical side of it, the people that were exploited on the way to it coming to me.

I'm sure there are many people in their 20s only buying 'ethical' clothes and being vegan due to treatment of animals but happily shoving Coke up their nose not giving a fuck about how it got to them.

NewPanDrawer · 25/05/2021 17:56

@Bluntness100

Op to clarify the stats, in your daughters age group it’s about ten percent use illegal drugs. So approx 90 percent do not.

In rh younger group, Ie pre 24 it’s higher, at about twenty percent, so eighty percent do not. Thr numbers reduce once folks hit 25.

So by far it’s not everyone. In fact 90 percent don’t. Your daughter is in the ten percent who do.

I think you're referring to the stats from the Crime Survey for England and Wales. Do bear in mind that the ONS itself points out that they measure reported use, not actual use, and therefore certainly under record (because many people are worried about telling the government they're doing something illegal!)
Butteredtoast55 · 25/05/2021 17:56

RLOU30 it’s brilliant that you have been clean for four years - well done!

MarshaBradyo · 25/05/2021 17:56

@hagtry

How trustworthy is this do you reckon? Is it just someone ticking yes to an illegal activity.

It's an indication isn't it like every statistic

Like every statistic? Some are easier to qualify and others more likely to get honest response.
murasaki · 25/05/2021 17:56

How do the ONS know this? I've never been surveyed....

LittleCatDog · 25/05/2021 17:57

It's absolutely rife in the City, especially within Financial Services, Legal and other industries like Recruitment from my experience. I steered clear but the number of times I was offered it..! All different types of people, the most senior and junior, just seemed to be everywhere and that was a couple years ago. Lots of people earning lots of money and wanting a good time. If she's talking to you about it that's really good, I personally wouldn't be worried if it's just the odd occasion on nights out. What industry is she in?

Foobydoo · 25/05/2021 17:57

@malificent7

It's great you have an open honest dialogue...perhaps hint that although it may be ' normal' it is not healthy and perhaps point out various celeb coke heads with no nasal septum....eg...Ms D Westbrook.
This is the approach I take. I took ecstacy in the 90s and it has a downside as well as an upside. Yes it feels nice, it's a good bonding experience but when you take it the molecules affect the neurotransmitters in your brain forcing them to shoot out serotonin much faster than normal, hence the happy loved up feeling. The downside is your serotonin is depleted for the next few days, causing a comedown and what is known as suicide Tuesday when the user can feel really really low. This isn't too bad with very occasional use but regular use can really catch up on you and cause mental health problems. Basically what goes up most come down and every high ends up having a price. It is good that she talks to you, my dd overshares a bit too and on the one hand it is good that they feel they can come to us there are things I would rather not know. I would also speak to her about what to do if she has a bad batch/pill i.e get medical help, there is a lot of dodgy stuff around and also the importance of sipping water but not drinking too much as it is dangerous. I do agree with you about parents being in denial, the majority of my friends parents were blissfully unaware and often waxed lyrical about how their kids would never do that.
Nanny0gg · 25/05/2021 17:58

@saltyskies8

I have a dd in her early 20s and I'm 100% sure she doesn't take drugs. I doubt her friends do either

Oh dear, this is laughably naive, I don't think any parent can be 100% sure as to what their adult children are or aren't doing, lets be honest!

Actually I can. My kids hated drugs and the effects of drugs on their friends as much as I did.

Don't think your daughter and your attitude are the :norm'

hagtry · 25/05/2021 17:59

I'm not denying that certain statistics are more of an indication than others but they are still an indication nonetheless. However I don't think 90% of the population is lying

AmandaHugenkiss · 25/05/2021 18:01

Not normal or usual in my social circles when I moved to London in my 20s. And I had a diverse circle. The odd person we knew who did that sort of shit was the “friend of a friend” we tried to avoid and quite often ended up in debt, or in rehab long-term.

As an aside, one of my partners dabbled a fair bit in his 20s, and then realised it was terrible for numerous reasons and hasn’t touched it since. Most of his friends who continued recreational drugs have serious addiction and mental health issues in their 40s.

It’s setting your DD up to believe it’s fine to do something illegal, terrible for her health and awful morally, just as long as she’s having a good time. She will probably grow out of thinking it’s a smart thing to do, but what if she doesn’t?

NewPanDrawer · 25/05/2021 18:03

@hagtry

I'm not denying that certain statistics are more of an indication than others but they are still an indication nonetheless. However I don't think 90% of the population is lying
This is almost a case study in confirmation bias! "OK, the stats may be dodgy, but they are clearly right because they say what I thought all along" Grin
marble11 · 25/05/2021 18:03

@drpet49

I genuinely don’t know anyone who takes drugs.
Or me. I have never tried anything myself either. Not even a joint. I'm 36 and all my friends are the same.
Skyla2005 · 25/05/2021 18:04

I wouldn't be overly worried about recreational use at the weekend now and then. I know my daughter and her friends do when they go to festivals or a special night out but they are careful about it and I trust her I would say it it's normal among young people these days and even In Older people too when they go out. Its very different from a hardened drug user who is addicted and using to get through life. Of course I would never say I'm happy about it I'm not but they are adults it's up to them all you can do is point out the pitfalls once they are adults

Twattergy · 25/05/2021 18:04

People here shocked at this are hiding under a rock. A lot of young people dabble in drugs, and I'm sure their parents would have no clue and would insist blind their kids wouldn't/it doesn't happen around here. Much better to be aware and have a n adult conversation about this. I'd prefer my kids to occasionally use drugs than to weekly drink themselves to the point of oblivion. Which seems to be pretty acceptable in our society despite the huge negative social and health impacts of alcohol.

hagtry · 25/05/2021 18:05

This is almost a case study in confirmation bias! "OK, the stats may be dodgy, but they are clearly right because they say what I thought all along"

How have you reached that conclusion? I think more than 4% use class A drugs, I don't think it's 90% though. If you do then you're entitled to your opinion.

newnortherner111 · 25/05/2021 18:05

OP, you may not consider yourself to be one, but I think by condoning illegal drug use you are indirectly racist. Disproportionately the victims of the illegal drug trade are young black men, be it from shooting, stabbing, or at the hands of the police and justice system.

miltonj · 25/05/2021 18:06

Yep completely normal as long as it's not all the time, or something she does when she's alone.

I'm 27 and don't do this, never really did, but I have a daughter and I don't live in London. My friends in their early thirties living in London pretty much all do this and otherwise have completely normal, and successful lives and careers.

hagtry · 25/05/2021 18:06

OP, you may not consider yourself to be one, but I think by condoning illegal drug use you are indirectly racist.

Definitely, but you know everyone does it 🤦🏻‍♀️

Littlecaf · 25/05/2021 18:06

I’m not sure I’d use the word “normal” - common yes, but normal suggests it’s ok because everyone is doing it. It’s not ok.

I’ve never done anything except smoked weed. I’ve had lots of friends who did coke. Those friends turned into total pricks and coke heads once on it, they are boring and arrogant. While yes there are health risks I’d also be concerned about who she is turning into - who wants to be around cokehead when they are 40? Nobody.

A friend got caught with a v small quantity at a party. He accepted a caution. He couldn’t register with his professional association because he had to disclose all police activity/arrests etc. He couldn’t practise his profession which he was £40k in student debt for.

It’s not worth being “normal” for.

pilates · 25/05/2021 18:07

We’re not talking about a teenager/early twenty’s she is nearer 30. In my day it was associated with the clubbing and dance scene. As clubs aren’t open atm where is she doing it?