I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable

[DoolallyBinzes]

There is so much to this story but the bare bones of it are that when I was with my ex we borrowed money from my Mum to pay our rent. We had only paid a small amount of it back when he left me. I had no money, no job, nowhere to live and 3 children to look after.
10 years later, Mum has died and my brother says I have to pay all the money back. I’m happy to pay half but I don’t see why I should pay for my ex’s share especially when he now has plenty of money.

I am likely to be in a similar position when my mum goes, and my feeling is that i should repay her estate. I believe what would happen is that the amount owed £18K in my case, would be 'added' to whatever there is, and then each of my three siblings would receive a quarter of that amount more than me. My brain isn't co-operating today, but it's something like that. As far as the ex goes, I'd say it's down to you to get his share back, your Mum essentially made the loan to you.

The fact that she signed a letter about it was probably due to one of your siblings, and she might well have written it off left to her own devices, but I think it would cause resentment if it is not repaid somehow.

I know for a fact that one brother - the Executor in my case - would be happy to let it go, but that my other brother would quite possibly resent it, and my sister would make trouble whatever happened, so it's just easier to do what I feel is right anyway, even if the other three are all in a far better financial position than me. Add to that the fact that my sister has been NC from the family for over a decade, and hence has not helped at all with Mum's care whereas we three have all mucked in and done what we can, and I resent that but can't do anything about it. mum had said at one point she was going to change my sister's share so hat it went to her son, but never did it because she knew that my sister would create havoc.

Someone else may have mentioned this, but Power of Attorney is null and void after someone has died. It's being the Executor of an estate that is more relevant.

@DoolallyBinzes

Reasons I didn’t pay Mum back:- no money, on housing benefit; looking after Mum, on Carer’s Allowance; cancer, 6 months treatment, 6 months recovery; added the debt to the long list of money to be reconciled eventually. My conscience is completely clear regarding Mum. She was a wonderful Mum and I wouldn’t have borrowed the money from her if she couldn’t have afforded it. I certainly never took advantage of her. I’m going to pay the debt back into the estate. I feel it’s the right thing to do and I need to let go of my feelings of injustice regarding my ex.

Sorry, I haven't read the last posts, but if you say you took care of your mother - for how long, and did your brothers also contribute to this? If not, the fact that you were the solo carer should be acknowledged and therefore 6K wouldn't even cover what they would owe you.

Honestly you should pay 2k each to your siblings, not been funny why should you get a extra 4k

Your mum helped you out I'd be the same if I was your brother

YANBU ❤️ So sorry for your loss

@Donitta

Your mum lent the money to YOU. Not to your ex who was nothing to her. To YOU. So YOU are liable to repay her the full amount. Whether you still owe the money now she’s gone is a different matter. Personally I’d say it’s fair for you to repay £2000 to each brother and keep the other £2000 as your share from the inheritance.

I think this seems fair.

Surely it's obvious?

Say the estate is worth £300k and is to be split three ways, or £100k each. You take £94k which leaves £206k for the other two, so they get £103k each.

Having said that, I think your brother is being a bit of a bastard.

@MustardRose

Surely it's obvious?

Say the estate is worth £300k and is to be split three ways, or £100k each. You take £94k which leaves £206k for the other two, so they get £103k each.

Having said that, I think your brother is being a bit of a bastard.

No , 300k estate, add back the loan 6?k, deduct costs, then divide by 3

You do need to talk to your brother and sort it before you fall out. My brother borrowed constantly from mum and was left more in the will so he could repay his other debts. He’s a dick and bought a new car.

Or alternately

estate is worth 300K

You have already had 6k
so, 300-12 ( to give you brothers 6 each to equal what you have already had)

=288 /3 = 96 to you, 102k to each of the other two

Say the estate is worth £300k and is to be split three ways, or £100k each. You take £94k which leaves £206k for the other two, so they get £103k each.

No. (RTFT)
She takes £96k, the brothers each get £102k.

@DoolallyBinzes such a sad time for you and you obviously want to do the right thing but rightfully want the ex to pay his part. X

What Donitta said.
Your mum might have waived money that she had lent over a decade ago but if there is a much more recent letter she has signed stating that she had lent/ not gifted the money to you then it seems as if it should be included as part of the settlement of the estate.
It would also be the decent thing to do.
£2K to each brother and the already spent £2K to you.
Sorry about your mum.

I think you could write to your ex with a letter telling him in the event of your mums death he owes £3K to her estate. He will be aware that this money is outstanding and also that it helped house his 3 children. You might not get anywhere but it’s worth a shot.

Repay what you still owe of course.
Were you hoping to get away with it?

This is really simple. You mum could have pursued you for the debt, or could have amended her will to take account of it. She didn't, so it expired with her.

The only complication is her dementia and your power of attorney. Though she was presumably capable when she lent you the money, when your ex left and she did not insist on prompt repayment?

But, your DB had POA too and neither of you insisted that the debt be repaid in full before the time she died. So it's gone.

After 6 years the law says it is statute barred !

Sorry for your loss. I don't know where you stand legally but other posters are right: 4k would be deducted from your share, not 6k. Assuming there is a house involved, 4k is a small amount. I think your brother is being mean.

@thedogtookit
*
I think your brother is out of order and I can't imagine wanting money from my brother.

If $6,000 was put back into the estate from op then wouldn't only $4,000 be split between her brothers anyway? As op would be owed a share too.*

In my example it would still work out the same. House is worth £90,000 (just an example) so each gets £30,000. Op gives £2 each from her share meaning she gets £26,000 and they get £32,000.

You might be happy for your sibling to have a large loan written off but that doesn't mean others should be.

I’d refer the whole question to a probate solicitor.

Your mum didn’t stipulate that it should be paid back to the estate, so I’d get a legal advice as to whether that is definitely owing to her estate. I doubt it.

I wouldn’t take advice from posters here. I find threads about inheritance tend to bring out grabby posters who envy other people getting money so their ‘advice’ is not objective.

The question is whether money is legally owed to the estate, given DM didn’t specifically request it and there was no repayment plan in place.

Morally, your mum was allowed to do what she wanted with her money.

If you were my sister I really wouldn’t care. Your mum helped you out when you were broke. It’s not a huge amount anyway.

I think it would have been fair for your mum to account for it in her will tbh. But she hasn’t, so it’s up to you whether you feel morally obliged to pay at least half of it back, or just shrug your shoulders and decline, because he can’t really make you pay it back legally unless there’s an iou or something in the will.

Your mum is dead, the debt is dead. Sorry for your loss OP, your brother is being U and a twat.

I can understand I would be really upset if my brother didn’t pay my mum back because she had dementia and didn’t remember. I find that outrageous and by implying that caring for your mum negates the debt is like saying you only did it for money. The debt and caring for your mum are separate matters. You had 6k of your inheritance early surely?

It's got nothing to do with your brother. If your mother wanted to pursue repayment, she could have done so during her lifetime.
What a mercenary person he must be to be kicking off about this relatively small amount of money after her death. How does he even know about a loan that should have been private between you and your mother?