To ask if my baby can attend my friends wedding

[abystarrs]

My friend is getting married in August and has invited me and my husband only.

Their wedding will be in Chester (where they live) we live in Birmingham.
From our house to the venue it’s 1hr 50minutes.

We have a 5 month old baby who is exclusively breastfed.

I don’t feel comfortable leaving our baby overnight (I know it’s 3 months away but I’m not ready to leave him yet and doubt that will change much in 3 months) and especially as we won’t be “just around the corner” and can’t get home quickly.

My mum has offered to come to the hotel with us and watch our son whilst my husband and I attend the wedding, which would mean I can keep popping out to feed him where possible, but the hotel is fully booked and taken up by wedding guests (we have a room booked)

I’ve spoken to a mutual friend who said she is having trouble finding a sitter for her 10 year old daughter but our friend (the bride) has specified to her absolutely no children can attend the wedding.

I really respect my friends decision but I’m wondering if it would be completely unreasonable of me to ask if I can take my son considering he’s just a baby.

I don’t think I’m going to be able to attend otherwise, and whilst I don’t want to put my friend in an awkward position I also really don’t want to leave my son overnight being so far away.

AIBU?

Whereabouts in Chester is it? We have loads of lovely places to stay here, you don't have to stay at the venue

I had a child free wedding as the venue only took 66 and there would have been +30 odd children. I was asked about babes in arms and we ended up with two. No problem. Mine was restricted by 'bums on seats' not because I particularly disliked children. As a child free couple it hadn't really crossed our minds.

Why not just ask and say you don't like to as you respect her wishes but you've not been able to solve the issue. Happy not to come if that's her choice and no hard feelings.

She may also know if someone is likely to canx a room and one might be available for your mum.

I really don't understand why people can't have reasonable grown up conversations

Just imagine a baby deciding its hungry, just as they start taking their vows. Either you will become the centre of attention by attempting breastfeeding or the crying would just be disruptive. Be sensible for goodness sake.

The amount of people who seem to think it’s normal to specify that your dearest friends and family ditch their children for the day to attend your wedding is shocking! I totally agree it’s Bridezilla behaviour. Honestly, do they think that a child making a noise during the ceremony nullifies the marriage? Honestly I can’t imagine being so up myself that I would tell my closest friends that their beloved children were banned from attending an event I was putting on because I was just so important that I needed silence and complete undivided attention from all guests for the entire day. Agree that surely these women don’t make good, enjoyable life partners!

@MrsTerryPratchett

My post as a reply to 'no one wants...' I want. Hence the post. If others want a serene, picture-perfect Instagrammable posh do, fill your boots.

But don't expect anyone to spend hundreds of pounds on accommodation for the babysitter to make it so.

Who is “expecting” it though?

Bride and groom probably think OP will go if she can and decline if she can’t.

I'd decline as well. Though I think the whole concept of child free weddings is the most life denying thing ever, it's what your friend wants and to ask her to make an exception for you would be awkward. On the other hand, I also would not be prepared to fork out loads of cash and take on a lot of anxiety just to go to a wedding. I had two bf babies, by 8 months your baby will be fine for some time without you but like you I really could not envisage that happening when they were only 5 months. I completely understand your anxiety about leaving your baby and being somewhere pretty far away. Having your baby nearby the wedding but not there sounds like it will be a total pain in the bum and cost loads. So cut your losses and don't go. I have declined a few wedding invites since having kids. Every time it's a decision re whether I care enough about the couple to bother with a load of anxiety and childcare costs to attend. I have not regretted missing any weddings but if I'm honest, I regret the one I attended without my DH as we had not other childcare available. I wish I'd sacked the whole thing off and had a weekend with my family.

It doesn't sound like you're respecting her decision at all. No children means no children. If that doesn't suit, don't go.

YABU. If she's said no to another child then you would be unreasonable to ask.

I could kind of understand at least asking if it was a 3 week old newborn, but not for an 8 month old.

It's not fair on the bride and it's not fair on the other guests who can't bring their children.

Either decline, or arrange a cottage/have DH stay in the hotel room or nearby with the baby.

Your mum comes and looks after baby in the hotel room. Then when you're ready to go home you, DH and baby drive back (baby asleep) and mum has a lovely night in the hotel!

@tentosix

Just imagine a baby deciding its hungry, just as they start taking their vows. Either you will become the centre of attention by attempting breastfeeding or the crying would just be disruptive. Be sensible for goodness sake.

I fed yesterday in a busy restaurant and didn’t become the centre of attention.

It’s not like I got naked to feed him or anything.
No one even notices...

Can you ask the hotel to stick a 3rd bed in your room, so your mum can stay?

If you’re EBF then you’ll be putting yourself at risk of mastitis if you do leave the baby. Your supply should be well established at that stage but I’d consider pumping whilst there to reduce the risk of mastitis.

Agree that surely these women don’t make good, enjoyable life partners

Why do people always have to make these things into personal attacks?

It's up to the couple whether they want children at their wedding. It's supposed to be a one-off occasion, after all.

The OP either doesn't go, or makes sure baby can take a bottle in three months' time. It doesn't seem that hard to me.

We had a child free wedding apart from nieces and nephews but didn't mind other babies that didn't need a seat as it was space that was limited rather than I minded them being there. I'd decline with the reason so they can say you can take your baby if they don't mind.

We were invited to a wedding abroad when my first was 4 months old and breastfed. We were going to make a holiday out of it but they wouldn't let the baby come so we didn't go. It was a shame.

I popped out to a car for feeds and my DH had the baby and it was an evening invite. I am glad I did that but it was a flaff.

I also had a lovely friend who made an exception for us because she knew we had no family and she wanted my DH to go.

I think getting a hotel room with your Mum or family member is the way forward.

@Phrowzunn

The amount of people who seem to think it’s normal to specify that your dearest friends and family ditch their children for the day to attend your wedding is shocking! I totally agree it’s Bridezilla behaviour. Honestly, do they think that a child making a noise during the ceremony nullifies the marriage? Honestly I can’t imagine being so up myself that I would tell my closest friends that their beloved children were banned from attending an event I was putting on because I was just so important that I needed silence and complete undivided attention from all guests for the entire day. Agree that surely these women don’t make good, enjoyable life partners!

You sound pretty unpleasant.

We attended a wedding that was childfree with our DS who was EBF - but he was five days old so they made an exception. I really think you're pushing it with an eight month old.

@MrsTerryPratchett

YABVU. No children includes babies. Nobody wants a screaming baby interrupting their wedding, sorry OP.

I come from a culture where weddings are family affairs. All welcome. The whole village back in the olden days. Screaming kids, dancing on grown-ups feet, kids sliding across the dancefloor, carrying sleeping babies out at the end... all lovely as far as I'm concerned. We had hordes at mine.

For me, and you can choose differently, weddings are about family and community. And that's everyone, kids included.

Good for you. Current fire regulations and covid regulations mean numbers are likely to be limited babies count just the same as adults do.

Op either decline asap or sort something with your mum.

Just take your Mum and she can stay in the hotel with you and the baby? You can keep nipping in and out as needed

@Phrowzunn

The amount of people who seem to think it’s normal to specify that your dearest friends and family ditch their children for the day to attend your wedding is shocking! I totally agree it’s Bridezilla behaviour. Honestly, do they think that a child making a noise during the ceremony nullifies the marriage? Honestly I can’t imagine being so up myself that I would tell my closest friends that their beloved children were banned from attending an event I was putting on because I was just so important that I needed silence and complete undivided attention from all guests for the entire day. Agree that surely these women don’t make good, enjoyable life partners!

Plenty of events are adult only - what are you on about?!

The amount of people who seem to think it’s normal to specify that your dearest friends and family ditch their children for the day to attend your wedding is shocking!
Have you never heard the standard MN response to feeling a bit frazzled or under the weather? Spa day, op. Book it immediately
Of course people are allowed out without their children, it's utterly bizarre to suggest they should be grafted onto you till they turn 18.

Don’t put the bride in an awkward position by asking. They have been explicit in their invitation and I’m sure are grown up enough to appreciate that some people may not be able to come because of their decision to have a child free wedding.

What about other guests who may have similar childcare issues but spend money sorting them so they can attend child free?

Either spend the extra or don’t go.

I really don’t get the no babies at a wedding thing. I understand why you wouldn’t want older children (more mouths to feed) but a baby either in a pram or slightly older in a high chair with their own (parent supplied) dinner, it’s a bit mean not to invite them!

Good for you. Current fire regulations and covid regulations mean numbers are likely to be limited babies count just the same as adults do.

They’re not. If you don’t know why waste your time replying?