To ask if my baby can attend my friends wedding

[abystarrs]

My friend is getting married in August and has invited me and my husband only.

Their wedding will be in Chester (where they live) we live in Birmingham.
From our house to the venue it’s 1hr 50minutes.

We have a 5 month old baby who is exclusively breastfed.

I don’t feel comfortable leaving our baby overnight (I know it’s 3 months away but I’m not ready to leave him yet and doubt that will change much in 3 months) and especially as we won’t be “just around the corner” and can’t get home quickly.

My mum has offered to come to the hotel with us and watch our son whilst my husband and I attend the wedding, which would mean I can keep popping out to feed him where possible, but the hotel is fully booked and taken up by wedding guests (we have a room booked)

I’ve spoken to a mutual friend who said she is having trouble finding a sitter for her 10 year old daughter but our friend (the bride) has specified to her absolutely no children can attend the wedding.

I really respect my friends decision but I’m wondering if it would be completely unreasonable of me to ask if I can take my son considering he’s just a baby.

I don’t think I’m going to be able to attend otherwise, and whilst I don’t want to put my friend in an awkward position I also really don’t want to leave my son overnight being so far away.

AIBU?

Agree @SchrodingersImmigrant and @SayHellJamieLee
There's nothing more fun than childless parents at a wedding. Those people know how to party

Lol same @SayHelloJamieLee
15-20 min ceremony, then partaaaaay with about 2 minute speech, snacks, foreign alcohol and informal dinner. 😁

[quote SayHelloJamieLee]@SchrodingersImmigrant I completely agree with this!
Everyone at our child-free wedding said what a lovely, fun and relaxed day it was and how nice it was to have a weekend away from their kids our ceremony lasted all of 15 minutes and the rest of the day was spent drinking, eating, chatting and dancing! Not a "long and boring" comment to be heard 🤷🏼‍♀️[/quote]
Maybe they were just being polite and/ or those who felt differently just held their tongues 🙄

Bizawit is probably right. I mean it just simply cannot be fun without people's kids.

Nah
😂

@SchrodingersImmigrant

Bizawit is probably right. I mean it just simply cannot be fun without people's kids.

Nah
😂

Haha @SchrodingersImmigrant of course things without kids can be fun (all the time in fact). Sometimes kids are extremely annoying.

It just really winds me up when people assume everyone appreciates their child free wedding. For some people it’s great, for others it creates enormous inconvenience/ stress/ logistical challenges/ may mean they can’t come at all.

It really pissed me off when my friend wrote on her wedding invites that children weren’t invited because she wanted her guests to benefit from a fun night off from their children 🙄. I didn’t even have kids myself at the time, but considered it extremely rude and condescending. She didn’t want to invite kids to save costs/ for her own enjoyment reasons (fine it’s her wedding after all) but don’t pretend it’s for others’ benefit when they may have major childcare issues and going child free may cause them unwanted expense/ stress. At least she made an exception for babes in arms / breastfeeding mums though. Annnyways.

@Bizawit I assume you're well acquainted with every guest that attended our wedding to make that assumption?

Even if they did they had the option to decline the invite. Luckily for us the few people we did invite that have young children are very close friends of ours and are of like minded opinion.

Coincidentally we now have DD but I wouldn't be taking her to a wedding whether she was invited or not.

Wouldn’t all those guests saying how brilliant the wedding was without their kids have just not brought them anyway if they prefer having child free time? I wouldn’t have taken mine once older than 7 months to a wedding (because I know I’d have a miserable time as would they) even if they were invited. But that’s my choice because of my kids. I was a really well behaved, quiet child and my parents enjoyed taking me to weddings and I have fond memories of attending. I’m glad I got the opportunity to go.

I’d hope that friends would make that judgment about their kids sensibly and I’d let them decide whether they want a child free night or not if I was only concerned about their enjoyment. I also find invitations written as though they are doing me a favour to not invite my children irritating. Say you don’t want them there fine. But let’s not pretend it’s for altruistic purposes.

@MrsKoala

Wouldn’t all those guests saying how brilliant the wedding was without their kids have just not brought them anyway if they prefer having child free time? I wouldn’t have taken mine once older than 7 months to a wedding (because I know I’d have a miserable time as would they) even if they were invited. But that’s my choice because of my kids. I was a really well behaved, quiet child and my parents enjoyed taking me to weddings and I have fond memories of attending. I’m glad I got the opportunity to go.

I’d hope that friends would make that judgment about their kids sensibly and I’d let them decide whether they want a child free night or not if I was only concerned about their enjoyment. I also find invitations written as though they are doing me a favour to not invite my children irritating. Say you don’t want them there fine. But let’s not pretend it’s for altruistic purposes.

Exactly this.

@Bizawit It just really winds me up when people assume everyone appreciates their child free wedding. For some people it’s great, for others it creates enormous inconvenience/ stress/ logistical challenges/ may mean they can’t come at all.

It's half a day! How does anyone cope with Hen's Nights or meetings with the bank manager, or going to work or going anywhere where children can't come?

What's the difference? That's what I seriously don't get. Seriously, what is the difference?

[quote CokeDrinker]**@Bizawit* It just really winds me up when people assume everyone appreciates their child free wedding. For some people it’s great, for others it creates enormous inconvenience/ stress/ logistical challenges/ may mean they can’t come at all.*

It's half a day! How does anyone cope with Hen's Nights or meetings with the bank manager, or going to work or going anywhere where children can't come?

What's the difference? That's what I seriously don't get. Seriously, what is the difference?[/quote]
Huh? It’s completely different from meeting your bank manager or other necessary everyday tasks. I mean maybe not if the wedding is just around the corner and only lasts a couple of hours, but that’s certainly not my experience of weddings. Usually they involve some distance travelled and the whole afternoon/ evening/ night. A lot of people have difficulties arranging childcare for that length of time- (depending on the age / needs of the child/ family circumstances etc. ) as per the dilemma the OP is facing in this very thread! Hen parties may also be tricky, for sure, depending on the location / type of event etc.

I also find invitations written as though they are doing me a favour to not invite my children irritating. Say you don’t want them there fine. But let’s not pretend it’s for altruistic purposes.
Maybe it's just a non aggressive way of saying just that?

Some children definitely wouldn't be wanted at a wedding. Telling their parents to keep their little hellions away from the proceedings would tend to cause offence... 🤷🏻‍♀️

I haven't RTFT yet, but what if your DM could babysit both your DC and the DC of the friend who can't get childcare? Does the friend live close enough for that to be convenient for BFing?

Those who consider it entitled/Bridezilla-ish to have a childfree wedding might want to bear in mind that not all parents think it's important to make sure their children don't disrupt proceedings. I've been to weddings where there's been a baby or toddler screaming throughout the vows and the parents haven't had the decency to take the child outside. IMHO that's just as entitled as holding a childfree wedding. Maybe if more people were willing to ensure their child didn't disrupt proceedings, more couples would be comfortable including children in their weddings. Just saying.

[quote CokeDrinker]**@Bizawit* It just really winds me up when people assume everyone appreciates their child free wedding. For some people it’s great, for others it creates enormous inconvenience/ stress/ logistical challenges/ may mean they can’t come at all.*

It's half a day! How does anyone cope with Hen's Nights or meetings with the bank manager, or going to work or going anywhere where children can't come?

What's the difference? That's what I seriously don't get. Seriously, what is the difference?[/quote]
Is that a serious question? Most of those things happen during the week when childcare is available.

I don’t go on hen dos.

A lot of parents don’t have someone who could look after their children for half a day on a weekend, and that group grows if it’s a family wedding.

DH and I have had three nights out since our twins were born 3 years ago. Not everyone has family they can call on. I definitely can’t get weekend childcare for our kids - we now get 8 hours a week of help in school holidays but that’s for 1 person and our twins need 1:1 support.

It’s baffling to me that other people can’t imagine any scenario where a parent can’t access ad hoc childcare, let alone during the day on a weekend.

We did have children at our wedding; it didn’t occur to me not to include them, as I’d never been invited to a childfree wedding. (I still haven’t been for that matter.) But anyway, if we’d insisted on no children, a fair few close friends and family members wouldn’t have been able to come, as they were travelling some distance to get to the wedding.

It was very expensive, though, and it meant that we couldn’t invite all the friends we wanted to. So for that reason alone, I can understand why couples would choose not to include children.

In the OP’s shoes, I would politely decline. As has been said, if couples choose to have child free weddings, they need to accept that some guests will have to decline their invite.

[quote CokeDrinker]**@Bizawit* It just really winds me up when people assume everyone appreciates their child free wedding. For some people it’s great, for others it creates enormous inconvenience/ stress/ logistical challenges/ may mean they can’t come at all.*

It's half a day! How does anyone cope with Hen's Nights or meetings with the bank manager, or going to work or going anywhere where children can't come?

What's the difference? That's what I seriously don't get. Seriously, what is the difference?[/quote]
I also think it’s bizarre that it’s not possible to find childcare for half a day. Especially for a one off event.
Also, I’m a practicing Christian and have been allowed in to quite a few child free weddings.

I also think it’s bizarre that it’s not possible to find childcare for half a day. Especially for a one off event.

It’s really, Really not bizarre. If you find this bizarre you are completely clueless / or entitled and lacking in imagination. Read the OP- we have a situation right here- do you understand what her challenge is right now at least?

No idea what your last comment about being a Christian and being let into child free weddings is about/ means?!

@Bizawit

I also think it’s bizarre that it’s not possible to find childcare for half a day. Especially for a one off event.

It’s really, Really not bizarre. If you find this bizarre you are completely clueless / or entitled and lacking in imagination. Read the OP- we have a situation right here- do you understand what her challenge is right now at least?

No idea what your last comment about being a Christian and being let into child free weddings is about/ means?!

Yeah but the ops mum has offered her a solution? So this isn’t a situation where she can’t find childcare for half a day? It’s not entitled to think that someone somewhere may be able to look after your baby for half a day. Plenty of mums who BF work and express at work and at a complete push, OP could go and her husband could stay. If you RTFT people were talking about being Christian and being selective about being allowed in churches earlier. I am one and have been allowed in to child free weddings in churches (admittedly only 3) but still

@Sophiethegiraffe1 there is no point. That's why I stopped arguing. There will always be a "but"

So @abystarrs what have you decided to do

Leave baby at home with your mum

All go. Nanny stay in room with baby then all go home

As above but find somewhere else for mum

As above , mum drives home 9 ish , and you stay

@Sophiethegiraffe1 her mum can’t though because there is no space in the hotel and would involve paying for a diff place 15 miles away which costs 156£ (not to mention the cost of of the extra train ticket) surely you appreciate not everyone has that kind of money readily to spare? Or are you that entitled?

Also tbh it’s not a very practical plan- her mother will be cooped up all day in a hotel room with a bored 8 month old baby and OP will have to be constantly running back and forth to the wedding to feed the baby. No one is likely to have much fun.

Also ffs not everyone expresses milk!! I never even owned a pump and my child never took a bottle. It’s not that easy.

Some people have disabled children, some people have multiple children, some people are solo parents, some have very little disposable income, some have no family support. Is it really so hard for you to imagine why not everyone has access to easy and available childcare??
what about the pp who said she’s had 3 afternoons off since her twins were born 3 yrs ago.
Honestly your posts are completely infuriating. Even pps who have no issue with child free weddings and have told OP she’s being unreasonable have acknowledged she (or other parents in various circumstances) may not be in a position to attend childfree and should therefore politely decline.

[quote SchrodingersImmigrant]@Sophiethegiraffe1 there is no point. That's why I stopped arguing. There will always be a "but"[/quote]
I see what you mean

Yes, half a day weddings I could find childcare for but of the 9 weddings I’ve been invited to 7 required at least one overnight stay and 5 of them 2 nights. No one would have had my kids for that long - especially not breastfed babies who cosleep! Which is fine as long as the couple don’t get pissy when you decline.

Personally I don’t think telling me you are doing it for my benefit whether I know it or not, is non aggressive. I think it’s offensive because it’s patronising and disingenuous, surely no one really buys that used car?

As I said previously, I have no problem with child free weddings, I do have problems with people pissing on me and saying it’s raining.

Someone tried that at my colleagues wedding who was promptly asked to leave. You don't have to accept such behaviour.