Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if my baby can attend my friends wedding

803 replies

abystarrs · 24/05/2021 20:12

My friend is getting married in August and has invited me and my husband only.

Their wedding will be in Chester (where they live) we live in Birmingham.
From our house to the venue it’s 1hr 50minutes.

We have a 5 month old baby who is exclusively breastfed.

I don’t feel comfortable leaving our baby overnight (I know it’s 3 months away but I’m not ready to leave him yet and doubt that will change much in 3 months) and especially as we won’t be “just around the corner” and can’t get home quickly.

My mum has offered to come to the hotel with us and watch our son whilst my husband and I attend the wedding, which would mean I can keep popping out to feed him where possible, but the hotel is fully booked and taken up by wedding guests (we have a room booked)

I’ve spoken to a mutual friend who said she is having trouble finding a sitter for her 10 year old daughter but our friend (the bride) has specified to her absolutely no children can attend the wedding.

I really respect my friends decision but I’m wondering if it would be completely unreasonable of me to ask if I can take my son considering he’s just a baby.

I don’t think I’m going to be able to attend otherwise, and whilst I don’t want to put my friend in an awkward position I also really don’t want to leave my son overnight being so far away.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
abystarrs · 24/05/2021 20:22

@ThreeLittleDots

The hotel might be able to put an extra bed in your room?
@ThreeLittleDots

I’ve asked the hotel this, they said for health and safety is 2 adults per room.

OP posts:
viques · 24/05/2021 20:22

I thinkit sounds as though your friend has decided on a no child wedding. Which is her choice.

So it is up to you to either decline the invitation or find a way around it, maybe an air B and B rather than a hotel so your mum could stay. At 8 months your baby could easily be taking expressed milk from a bottle. And btw for many people a sitting up and vocal, possibly teething , 8 month old is not “a baby” in the same way as a newborn who would probably sleep through the whole thing.

Selkiesarereal · 24/05/2021 20:23

I would ask but prepared for her to say no. We had a child free wedding and some of the guests were travelling quite far to attend but had no sitters as they were all going to the wedding. We had not considered this at all and were more than happy for them to bring their pre-schooler. Sometimes people just don’t realise the problem until you ask!

Aprilwasverywet · 24/05/2021 20:23

My now ex friend brought her 2 dc to my dc - free wedding...
Don't be that guest op...

Frogsonglue · 24/05/2021 20:23

I would decline, but I couldn't be arsed going to a wedding if I had to go through the hassle and worry of leaving a young baby somewhere else. Yes it's everyone's right to have a child free wedding blah blah, but it's crap for friends with babies or no childcare solutions.

Livingintheclouds · 24/05/2021 20:24

Nope. I had a child free wedding and no exceptions.
But you know I think it is always a good idea to get a baby used to a bottle just in case. My husband was in hospital for two weeks when my first was six weeks old and I wasn't allowed to take him to the hospital so could only visit for really short time between feeds. Next baby I swore would accept a bottle, even if 99% breastfed.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 24/05/2021 20:24

The problem is that once one exception is given, everyone will want it as well and others will be pissed off.

No children, no children.
Either go without for the day or decline.

LakeShoreD · 24/05/2021 20:25

She’s been very clear it’s no children. If you really really want to attend then you could have your DH decline the invite so he can stay in the hotel room with the baby and you pop back to feed. But you can also just decline and say it’s not possible due to breastfeeding. If she really wants you there regardless she’ll have to opportunity to make an exception but I strongly suspect that she won’t.

ThreeLittleDots · 24/05/2021 20:25

Shame about the hotel then... Your friend is probably fully expecting you to decline I expect

Chamonixshoopshoop · 24/05/2021 20:26

Of course an EBF baby can’t go without Mum! You’re their food and drink!
Don’t go! Bride has made her stance clear
She’ll be divorced in 4 years going by my bridezilla experiences

Lalliebelle · 24/05/2021 20:26

Bring your mum and the baby. Get a spare bed put in your hotel room for your mum and take her up on her very generous offer of looking after the baby while you go to the wedding. You do not need to tell your friend this is happening as the baby will not be at the wedding at any time.

Sally872 · 24/05/2021 20:29

You can't go to the wedding. Explain to friend you had hoped to book an additional room for MIL to look after baby but there aren't any and you can't leave baby yet.

Or work on leaving baby if you really want to go to wedding. Try an afternoon when you are nearby and see how you feel.

Original poster
abystarrs · 24/05/2021 20:29

[quote KM38]@abystarrs I would assume that no children means no children at all OP. You can ask but you may not like the response. Is it possible to book somewhere else locally for your mum? Could she look after DS in your room for the day and you can pop in and out for feeds then you can leave the wedding earlyish and get her a taxi back to her own hotel?[/quote]
@KM38

I’ve looked at this option too as this would’ve been a good alternative, however the closet hotel is 18miles and the cheapest room is £156 Shock

I offered to pay for the room for my mum but the room at the venue would’ve only been £80!!

OP posts:
Franklin12 · 24/05/2021 20:30

Having been to a number of weddings over the years that have been messed up by babies crying out, parents fussing around and making a big thing when they finally leave the church the one exception I wouldn’t make is for babies.

Sorry but when a wedding is child free that means you too. I am not sure why people even ask but if you really cannot organise things then sadly you will have to decline.

Moirarose2021 · 24/05/2021 20:30

If she doesn't want a 10 year old I very much doubt she'll want an 8 month old, maybe if baby was 8 weeks would be OK to ask but 8 months noisier and able to have food and a bottle. I would have your mum with baby in hotel room during day and book another hotel for the night or just don't go.

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/05/2021 20:30

@Chamonixshoopshoop

Of course an EBF baby can’t go without Mum! You’re their food and drink! Don’t go! Bride has made her stance clear She’ll be divorced in 4 years going by my bridezilla experiences
I would actually love to know if there's a correlation. IME people who are rigid, want perfection, can't compromise are not great spouses. People who want the day to be important while neglecting relationships... doesn't bode well, does it.

They did study size and cost of wedding and that was negatively correlated with length of marriage so there could be something in it.

UpSlyDown · 24/05/2021 20:30

@Chamonixshoopshoop

Of course an EBF baby can’t go without Mum! You’re their food and drink! Don’t go! Bride has made her stance clear She’ll be divorced in 4 years going by my bridezilla experiences
This is a bit excessive. She’s not being a bridezilla she just doesn’t want children there- a perfectly reasonable request. The baby will be 8 months so will be eating food and drinking out a cup etc. not a tiny newborn. It’s hard OP you may feel differently in 3 months (tbh by the time both of mine were 8 months I would have grabbed a night out without kids with both hands abs stayed for a loooong breakfast!) but everyone is different. Even if she reluctantly lets you bring the baby it wouldn’t be much fun for him or you so I’d either work towards having a proper night away or pull out.
PresentingPercy · 24/05/2021 20:30

Ugh!! The hotel won’t allow an extra bed!

I would consider taking a cottage for the weekend. Don’t go to the hotel and then grandma can look after your baby. Just go for the ceremony. Otherwise. Just don’t go!

Ginger1982 · 24/05/2021 20:31

YWBU to ask. YWNBU to decline the invite for that reason and see what she says. I had no kids other than family at my wedding but if someone had said they couldn't come because they were breastfeeding, I would have made an exception.

MadMadMadamMim · 24/05/2021 20:32

I wouldn't ask. It puts your friend in an awful and embarrassing situation where she'll feel terrible at saying No, you can't. We've said no children and she may feel pressured to say you can, and then feel resentful.

It's also likely to cause ill feeling towards her (and possibly you) from other guests who are likely thinking Why is her pfb allowed and not mine?

Frankly, I'd have been ok with a 10 yo at my wedding - but wouldn't have wanted a baby. Most 10 year olds are reasonably civilised behaviour wise and can sit quietly in a church without screaming.

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/05/2021 20:32

@Moirarose2021

If she doesn't want a 10 year old I very much doubt she'll want an 8 month old, maybe if baby was 8 weeks would be OK to ask but 8 months noisier and able to have food and a bottle. I would have your mum with baby in hotel room during day and book another hotel for the night or just don't go.
Don't you mean 'bebé' @Moirarose2021 Grin
daisypond · 24/05/2021 20:32

No, you can’t take the baby to the wedding. Perhaps you and your dh could take it in turns to be with the baby in the hotel. Or you just attend part of the wedding. There’s no need to stay overnight at the hotel. Why don’t you go home in the evening?

Ginger1982 · 24/05/2021 20:32

@Chamonixshoopshoop

Of course an EBF baby can’t go without Mum! You’re their food and drink! Don’t go! Bride has made her stance clear She’ll be divorced in 4 years going by my bridezilla experiences
She's not being a bridezilla. She's entitled not to want kids at her wedding.
VeganCheesePlease · 24/05/2021 20:33

I think Yabu, OP. This is clearly your friend's wishes. If you cant make it, then explain why and politely decline. Whether you approve or disapprove, it's her wedding and her choice.

Original poster
abystarrs · 24/05/2021 20:34

@viques

*At 8 months your baby could easily be taking expressed milk from a bottle

I don’t disagree, but it’s not something we’ve introduced yet and I certainly wouldn’t introduce it just to be able to attend this particular wedding.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread