To ask if my baby can attend my friends wedding

[abystarrs]

My friend is getting married in August and has invited me and my husband only.

Their wedding will be in Chester (where they live) we live in Birmingham.
From our house to the venue it’s 1hr 50minutes.

We have a 5 month old baby who is exclusively breastfed.

I don’t feel comfortable leaving our baby overnight (I know it’s 3 months away but I’m not ready to leave him yet and doubt that will change much in 3 months) and especially as we won’t be “just around the corner” and can’t get home quickly.

My mum has offered to come to the hotel with us and watch our son whilst my husband and I attend the wedding, which would mean I can keep popping out to feed him where possible, but the hotel is fully booked and taken up by wedding guests (we have a room booked)

I’ve spoken to a mutual friend who said she is having trouble finding a sitter for her 10 year old daughter but our friend (the bride) has specified to her absolutely no children can attend the wedding.

I really respect my friends decision but I’m wondering if it would be completely unreasonable of me to ask if I can take my son considering he’s just a baby.

I don’t think I’m going to be able to attend otherwise, and whilst I don’t want to put my friend in an awkward position I also really don’t want to leave my son overnight being so far away.

AIBU?

@Chamonixshoopshoop

Of course an EBF baby can’t go without Mum! You’re their food and drink! Don’t go! Bride has made her stance clear She’ll be divorced in 4 years going by my bridezilla experiences

Have you had some kind of traumatic experience with a child free wedding? What a weird way to think

Why would there be a link between not wanting children at your wedding and divorce? Is this something that someone collects statistics on

Don’t ask. It puts the bride in a very awkward position.

Totally up to you if you don’t feel comfortable leaving your baby, so don’t feel bad declining. I don’t go in for the whole exception for tiny babies anyway, but even if you do, your baby will be 8 months old and hardly a newborn. I really don’t think you should ask, sorry.

Yes, you'd be unreasonable to put her on the spot.

If you don't feel ready to leave the baby you'll have to decline.

I agree with the poster above - go for the day, DH stays in room with baby while you go to ceremony and/or meal, drive home after - baby sleeps in car, bonus!

@abystarrs Yeah unfortunately as soon as rooms start booking up in the area, all the prices go up! If you’re really set on going could you look into the cost of a private car to take your Mum home instead of her staying over? Personally, I would just explain to my friend that I had explored all possible childcare options but there were none that work with you EBFing so unfortunately you’ll need to decline the invite 🤷🏻‍♀️

YABVU. No children includes babies. Nobody wants a screaming baby interrupting their wedding, sorry OP.

None of this “oh we’ll take him out if he screams” because by then he’s already caused a nuisance.

If you won’t leave the baby you decline the invite. There’s no reason your baby should be invited and he clearly hasn’t been so it would be rude to ask.

@PresentingPercy

Ugh!! The hotel won’t allow an extra bed!

I would consider taking a cottage for the weekend. Don’t go to the hotel and then grandma can look after your baby. Just go for the ceremony. Otherwise. Just don’t go!

@PresentingPercy

I hadn’t considered a cottage. Wouldn’t really know where to look for the location we’re going to. I’ll have a look though. Thanks!!

Just decline the invite, it’s a shame but it’s just the way it is, she doesn’t want children there and you have an EBF baby so.

When I first read your post, I thought the baby was much younger and was thinking of ways you could have your mum in your room, but then realised they’d be 8 months.

I would have left my 8m old at home with my mum and had a lovely night away with DH. DS was crawling, walking, eating and drinking from a sippy cup by then. If you don’t want to do that though, just decline the invite. Don’t ask for an 8m to come to the wedding-it’s not the same as a newborn-they’ll be into everything and you’ll piss off all the other people that did get a babysitter.

No. An 8 month old baby is very different to a newborn.
Respect the fact that she doesn't want children at her wedding, I very much doubt you're the only guest who actually has children.

I'm attending a children wedding in August with my baby as they've said babe in arms is ok. I wouldn't attend otherwise. There's no harm in asking but be prepared for her to say no and that's ok as it's her wedding. Could you practice offering a bottle with expressed milk as an option?

People quite often make an exception even at child free weddings for babes in arms but I wouldn’t consider an eight month old that. I’d say anything under about four months probably (if I had a childfree wedding, which I never would!)

Have a look at air B and B and also VRBO as you may be able to find somewhere you can all stay near the venue.

YABVU. No children includes babies. Nobody wants a screaming baby interrupting their wedding, sorry OP.

I come from a culture where weddings are family affairs. All welcome. The whole village back in the olden days. Screaming kids, dancing on grown-ups feet, kids sliding across the dancefloor, carrying sleeping babies out at the end... all lovely as far as I'm concerned. We had hordes at mine.

For me, and you can choose differently, weddings are about family and community. And that's everyone, kids included.

Gosh it’s tricky. Your friend has made it clear it’s a child free wedding which she is entitled to do without further explanation.

I think others are right, you can only decline and explain why.

@MrsTerryPratchett

YABVU. No children includes babies. Nobody wants a screaming baby interrupting their wedding, sorry OP.

I come from a culture where weddings are family affairs. All welcome. The whole village back in the olden days. Screaming kids, dancing on grown-ups feet, kids sliding across the dancefloor, carrying sleeping babies out at the end... all lovely as far as I'm concerned. We had hordes at mine.

For me, and you can choose differently, weddings are about family and community. And that's everyone, kids included.

Good for you Sounds awful.

Don’t ask OP
The answer will be no and you’ll just cause awkward tension.

I say this as a mum of a 14 month old and a soon to be newborn, if your friend hasn’t extended the invite to your child and has subsequently told another friend that ‘no children are to attend the wedding’ when they were struggling for a sitter then the answer is very very clear just don’t like it.

In my experience it’s fine for weddings to be either child friendly or child free but it is not at all ok for ‘some’ kids to be included but not others and that always causes massive fallout.

I understand it though, imagine another mum has a baby she was gutted to be separated from and didn’t want to leave but did manage to find care for only to turn up and find you there with DC in tow. The only exception to a ‘no kids’ wedding rule that never causes offends is kids of the actual bride and groom!

@MrsTerryPratchett

YABVU. No children includes babies. Nobody wants a screaming baby interrupting their wedding, sorry OP.

I come from a culture where weddings are family affairs. All welcome. The whole village back in the olden days. Screaming kids, dancing on grown-ups feet, kids sliding across the dancefloor, carrying sleeping babies out at the end... all lovely as far as I'm concerned. We had hordes at mine.

For me, and you can choose differently, weddings are about family and community. And that's everyone, kids included.

Hear, hear.

And btw for many people a sitting up and vocal, possibly teething , 8 month old is not “a baby” in the same way as a newborn who would probably sleep through the whole thing.

I'm sorry OP, but I agree with the above poster. As cute and tiny as your baby may be to you, by 8 months, a baby is hardly a docile newborn who will sleep most of the time and just be held. 8 month olds require a lot of attention, then want to wriggle around, make noise, possible grab and throw things. Even if there was a baby exception I wouldn't think he's qualify.

Don't put your friend in the awkward position of actually asking and her having to directly say no. Decline citing the reason and she'll let you know whether to bring him instead of not coming or not.

@MrsTerryPratchett

YABVU. No children includes babies. Nobody wants a screaming baby interrupting their wedding, sorry OP.

I come from a culture where weddings are family affairs. All welcome. The whole village back in the olden days. Screaming kids, dancing on grown-ups feet, kids sliding across the dancefloor, carrying sleeping babies out at the end... all lovely as far as I'm concerned. We had hordes at mine.

For me, and you can choose differently, weddings are about family and community. And that's everyone, kids included.

But the bride and groom think differently. Op doesn't have to agree. And the way you've included screaming kids as an asset in there is peculiar Nobody wants kids squawking through their vows.

@Howshouldibehave

When I first read your post, I thought the baby was much younger and was thinking of ways you could have your mum in your room, but then realised they’d be 8 months.

I would have left my 8m old at home with my mum and had a lovely night away with DH. DS was crawling, walking, eating and drinking from a sippy cup by then. If you don’t want to do that though, just decline the invite. Don’t ask for an 8m to come to the wedding-it’s not the same as a newborn-they’ll be into everything and you’ll piss off all the other people that did get a babysitter.

@Howshouldibehave

If the wedding was local I would leave him with my mum, but it’s not.
The drive is 1hr 50minutes and it’s not as if I can just nip home if needed.

Another solution would be you and your mum stay in the hotel. You and DH go to wedding and reception while mum minds baby. DH goes home afterwards. You and your mum stay overnight in the hotel.

Ask the hotel if they can add an extra bed? Or book a room nearby

No, because they specified no children.
Breastfeeding or not, you can't expect them to bend the rules just for you as then others will want to do it too.
Plus it's a bit cheeky to ask them to.
If they wanted kids there they'd have said so.
YABU

Can your mum stay in your hotel room and then drive back at like 11pm?