To ask if my baby can attend my friends wedding

[abystarrs]

My friend is getting married in August and has invited me and my husband only.

Their wedding will be in Chester (where they live) we live in Birmingham.
From our house to the venue it’s 1hr 50minutes.

We have a 5 month old baby who is exclusively breastfed.

I don’t feel comfortable leaving our baby overnight (I know it’s 3 months away but I’m not ready to leave him yet and doubt that will change much in 3 months) and especially as we won’t be “just around the corner” and can’t get home quickly.

My mum has offered to come to the hotel with us and watch our son whilst my husband and I attend the wedding, which would mean I can keep popping out to feed him where possible, but the hotel is fully booked and taken up by wedding guests (we have a room booked)

I’ve spoken to a mutual friend who said she is having trouble finding a sitter for her 10 year old daughter but our friend (the bride) has specified to her absolutely no children can attend the wedding.

I really respect my friends decision but I’m wondering if it would be completely unreasonable of me to ask if I can take my son considering he’s just a baby.

I don’t think I’m going to be able to attend otherwise, and whilst I don’t want to put my friend in an awkward position I also really don’t want to leave my son overnight being so far away.

AIBU?

We stipulated no babies or children. One of my oldest friends didn’t come as a result. I was really upset she didn’t make any effort to come for even just the ceremony (about an hour on the train door to door) and leave her 5 month old baby with her DH for an hour (he could have brought the baby into the city on the train). Our friendship didn’t recover. I now have my own DC, so have much more empathy. I still wouldn’t have wanted her baby there, but I would have been more understanding about the decision. Although I think I would have made the effort to go to her ceremony if the situation had been reversed.

@Chamonixshoopshoop

Of course an EBF baby can’t go without Mum! You’re their food and drink! Don’t go! Bride has made her stance clear She’ll be divorced in 4 years going by my bridezilla experiences

What a load of crap..I had no children at my wedding back in 2002 and I'm still married.

@tentosix

Just imagine a baby deciding its hungry, just as they start taking their vows. Either you will become the centre of attention by attempting breastfeeding or the crying would just be disruptive. Be sensible for goodness sake.

Don't know why breastfeeding a baby would ruin a wedding, it can be done with minimal fuss.

That comment is so strange, babies don't just cry if they are hungry they get to that point, there are signs that they are hungry, lips moving, turning into you .. I managed to breastfeed and my babies did not cry - I didn't leave it until they cried for me to feed them, and ofcourse if I baby did start to make noise you would just excuse yourself.. that is what parents with children do if they make noise, well that is what has happened at weddings that I have attended.

But anyhow OP I would make arrangements for someone to have the baby close by and then you go and feed the baby during the wedding, reception,

Agree that surely these women don’t make good, enjoyable life partners

Ha! Because that's all women are for, breeding and facilitating other peoples children?

We don't have children. Most of our friends don't have children. There are many, many more enriching and enjoyable parts to life than children. Not everyone wants them or enjoys their company.

I have nothing against children or other people having them. I'm just not keen on them and don't want to pay extra £££ to have children at my wedding. It's nothing to do with wanting all the attention on me all day. Children at weddings we have been to run about shrieking, interrupt vows, make a fuck load of noise, and on one occasion vomited on a table. No thank you.

(Just to piss people off more: our wedding is dog friendly )

Childfree wedding and over a decade of good marriage.
Hth to the "bridezilla and early divorce" twats😉

It doesn't matter whether you, me or my Great Aunt Betty thinks it's ridiculous, that is what the bride and groom have chosen
Don't ask them, you know they don't want children there, it would be really bad manners and why put your friend in that position when they have made it crystal clear
Just decline with a polite reply, wish them well and say you'll be thinking of them on their special day, it's not rocket science

Agree that surely these women don’t make good, enjoyable life partners!
Christ on crutches... Wtf?

Most of the no-kids brides I know end up becoming the most PFB mums - best to run now 😬

Just don’t go. Best thing about kids - constant excuse to get out of weddings!

I know quite a few women whose mums have had to go and stay in hotel rooms all day with their grandchild so that their daughter can attend weddings and I think it’s shocking. Why should your mum have to do that?

My mum isn’t with us any more but I guarantee she wouldn’t have done this and I wouldn’t have asked!

@Phrowzunn

The amount of people who seem to think it’s normal to specify that your dearest friends and family ditch their children for the day to attend your wedding is shocking! I totally agree it’s Bridezilla behaviour. Honestly, do they think that a child making a noise during the ceremony nullifies the marriage? Honestly I can’t imagine being so up myself that I would tell my closest friends that their beloved children were banned from attending an event I was putting on because I was just so important that I needed silence and complete undivided attention from all guests for the entire day. Agree that surely these women don’t make good, enjoyable life partners!

What a dickhead 😂

@Kiki275

I had a child-free wedding but specified babes in arms were welcome. This was mainly due to cost & the sheer number of friends children. I'd personally ask as her reason may be similar to mine. Don't be offended if it's different and she wants all adults to be able to let their hair down x

This was my reasoning too, it would have cost and extra few thousand to have everyone's children there! And of she says yes to you she could seriously ruffle some feathers with all of the other guests, so it would be a bit crappy to put her in that position.

You either need to decline based on that, get a cottage/air BnB that you can all stay in, or you could express and have a night away with your husband and leave your son with your mum, it depends entirely on what you're most comfortable with and if she's a really good friend she will completely understand, you could always ask to meet up with her halfway between you shortly after the wedding and look at all the pics and she can tell you all about it

Surely you'd not stay up too late if you're bringing a baby so why don't you see if you can room share with another guest for the day and then leave after the wedding breakfast and head back with your mum? It's only a 2 hour drive so leave 8ish and baby will sleep on the way back and transfer to cot when home.

Your friend has made it clear, no children. Find another hotel nearby for your mother. She can stay in your room until the wedding is over then head over to the other hotel.

RoseDelatour that is sad.

Your oldest friend may not have had support that understood that they needed to look after the baby, my husband was totally fine not attending and occupying the baby and then I could just dash out to feed.

I think an hour on a train for a wedding with a 5 month year old could be not particularly appetising.

Maybe the DH just couldn't support his partner?

It is a shame your friendship didn't recover.

Although you think I would have made the effort to go to her ceremony if the situation had been reversed, you don't really know, the health or the baby or PND for the Mum or just generally a shitty relationship or anxiety could prevent someone who likes you very much making a wedding, A 5 Month old can be pretty overwhelming for some and easy peasy for others.

@abystarrs you must be a fair way from Chester if you are miles
From the nearest hotel. Where is it at? I live in the area and would be able to suggest locations to look for Airbnb etc

@Phrowzunn

The amount of people who seem to think it’s normal to specify that your dearest friends and family ditch their children for the day to attend your wedding is shocking! I totally agree it’s Bridezilla behaviour. Honestly, do they think that a child making a noise during the ceremony nullifies the marriage? Honestly I can’t imagine being so up myself that I would tell my closest friends that their beloved children were banned from attending an event I was putting on because I was just so important that I needed silence and complete undivided attention from all guests for the entire day. Agree that surely these women don’t make good, enjoyable life partners!

Oh, get over yourself. Not everyone is in thrall to children. It's their party, if you don't like the terms of it, then don't go, it's as simple as that. Why the misogyny, men are just as able to not want someone's kids making noise at their wedding, too.

@RoseDelatour

We stipulated no babies or children. One of my oldest friends didn’t come as a result. I was really upset she didn’t make any effort to come for even just the ceremony (about an hour on the train door to door) and leave her 5 month old baby with her DH for an hour (he could have brought the baby into the city on the train). Our friendship didn’t recover. I now have my own DC, so have much more empathy. I still wouldn’t have wanted her baby there, but I would have been more understanding about the decision. Although I think I would have made the effort to go to her ceremony if the situation had been reversed.

@RoseDelatour

I’m sorry to hear your friendship didn’t recover.

I am trying to find lots of ways around this because my friend is important to me.

We’ve already booked and paid for our room (this was before we received an official invite)
so even if we drove for the ceremony and mum sat in our room with our son and we leave for the evening (unless we can find mum and baby somewhere to stay)

@Littlecaf

I really don’t get the no babies at a wedding thing. I understand why you wouldn’t want older children (more mouths to feed) but a baby either in a pram or slightly older in a high chair with their own (parent supplied) dinner, it’s a bit mean not to invite them!

Really? Did you not see the post above about the poster whose sister made an exception for a baby and the baby cried throughout the ceremony? There are so many stories like that.

I love babies and had them at my wedding but they are disruptive. If you don’t care about that at your wedding then that’s great, but I’m surprised you can’t see the issue.

I think just ask them, politely, no pressure. They can say no if they want. Then decline the invitation if you prefer. It's fine not to want to leave your baby.
Another option might be to drive home the same day so that you are leaving the baby with your mum just for the day. She can give him some formula or expressed milk whatever you prefer. Obviously would be a shorter day for you,no drinking etc but depends how keen you are to attend.
Unfortunately once you have a child you do have to miss out on certain social engagements but there's certainly no need to feel guilty about doing what's best for your child. If they wanted you there that much they'd let the baby attend.if they say no they obviously don't mind if you are there or not.

OP, just ask. A BF baby is a very different prospect to a 10 year old. Be clear that you want to come but you can’t just leave her.

Is it just me that would actively choose not to bring my children even if they were technically allowed 😂 weddings are for drinking and dancing and catching up with people, all of which are made much more difficult when you’re also watching your own children like a hawk to make sure they don’t do anything crazy!

Could she look after DS in your room for the day and you can pop in and out for feeds then you can leave the wedding earlyish and get her a taxi back to her own hotel?

A friend of mine did exactly this. There's bound to be somewhere else to stay a taxi ride away.

Fuck tying yourself in knots thinking of all these ways you can go out of your way to go. Just tell her you can't make it because you can't leave the baby. That's it. If she says, too bad, you cancel your reservation and move on.

@SinkGirl

Most of the no-kids brides I know end up becoming the most PFB mums - best to run now 😬

Just don’t go. Best thing about kids - constant excuse to get out of weddings!

I know quite a few women whose mums have had to go and stay in hotel rooms all day with their grandchild so that their daughter can attend weddings and I think it’s shocking. Why should your mum have to do that?

My mum isn’t with us any more but I guarantee she wouldn’t have done this and I wouldn’t have asked!

@SinkGirl

We didn’t ask, my mum offered. She was more than happy to do this for us.

It's a child free wedding OP. Don't be that person.

Just politely decline saying your baby can't be left that long. End of.

I have a 9 month old(PFB) and we actually postponed our wedding to next year because neither of us can face trying to execute a wedding with her in tow I would be slightly happier taking her as a guest if allowed but even then she'd want to get down and crawl, and she's babbling constantly, pulling up on things and then crashing to the ground with associated screaming. I would feel really conspicuous at a wedding with her and probably not enjoy it much because we can't take our eyes off her or disaster happens. I wouldn't ask to take your baby, but either decline or find a way for one/both of you to go for a bit .