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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if my baby can attend my friends wedding

803 replies

abystarrs · 24/05/2021 20:12

My friend is getting married in August and has invited me and my husband only.

Their wedding will be in Chester (where they live) we live in Birmingham.
From our house to the venue it’s 1hr 50minutes.

We have a 5 month old baby who is exclusively breastfed.

I don’t feel comfortable leaving our baby overnight (I know it’s 3 months away but I’m not ready to leave him yet and doubt that will change much in 3 months) and especially as we won’t be “just around the corner” and can’t get home quickly.

My mum has offered to come to the hotel with us and watch our son whilst my husband and I attend the wedding, which would mean I can keep popping out to feed him where possible, but the hotel is fully booked and taken up by wedding guests (we have a room booked)

I’ve spoken to a mutual friend who said she is having trouble finding a sitter for her 10 year old daughter but our friend (the bride) has specified to her absolutely no children can attend the wedding.

I really respect my friends decision but I’m wondering if it would be completely unreasonable of me to ask if I can take my son considering he’s just a baby.

I don’t think I’m going to be able to attend otherwise, and whilst I don’t want to put my friend in an awkward position I also really don’t want to leave my son overnight being so far away.

AIBU?

OP posts:
PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat · 26/05/2021 18:43

@BlackElephant

If it is a church wedding the baby can attend- no issues

You then just have the reception to cover?

If it’s a church wedding then literally anyone can attend, but they generally don’t, do they?
Thisismyname77463 · 26/05/2021 18:44

I had that on my invited and 3 kids turn up who proceeded to put their hands inside my wedding cake and remove the figurines from the top.

The parents did nothing.

There is a reason people don’t want children at weddings.

SlipperyDippery · 26/05/2021 18:45

You seem very heated about it. Did you have a church wedding without being. a practising Christian? That is being entitled

My church disagrees. Vicar says we are delighted when anyone wants to marry in a church and as long as they have a qualifying connection to the church, all are welcome.

May be different in other denominations - but you mentioned c of e above.

boredbuttercup · 26/05/2021 18:46

*If it is a church wedding the baby can attend- no issues

You then just have the reception to cover?*

Can and should are very different things.

You can attend the funeral/christening/wedding in a church of any random stranger if you want. But it's pretty crass, even more so if it's not a stranger and you've specifically been asked not to Hmm

MachiaNelly · 26/05/2021 18:50

I just think we should normalise small babies at weddings

I think it's already pretty normal to have small babies at weddings. It's also normal to not want small babies at your wedding. I've been to some where babies have drowned out the service. That's really not fair. B&G are usually not going to be pissed off if you decline. They may even expect it. Don't kid yourself otherwise.

PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat · 26/05/2021 18:52

You seem very heated about it. Did you have a church wedding without being. a practising Christian?

That is being entitled.

By law a couple are entitled to marry in the parish where they reside. Is that what you mean by ‘entitled’?

Lockdownbear · 26/05/2021 18:53

You can attend the funeral/christening/wedding in a church of any random stranger if you want. But it's pretty crass, even more so if it's not a stranger and you've specifically been asked not to

That is very true. But imagine any random trying to walk into Royal wedding, or any big wedding in a small church.

When the venue is full it's full and non invited randoms should be the first to leave.

boredbuttercup · 26/05/2021 18:58

@Lockdownbear

Don't come for me! I'm supporting the idea that just because you technically can, absolutely doesn't mean you should. And I actually think it'd be very entitled to bring a baby to a specifically child free wedding in a church and argue 'well it's a church, all are welcome'. Might be technically right, but doesn't mean it wouldnt make the person an arse for doing so.

MachiaNelly · 26/05/2021 19:00

Indeed. I have old friends from uni I would invite to my wedding. I've never met their toddlers. There is no reason for them to be there. They are not related to me. If my friend couldn't come without the child, fine. I get it. They can't come.

GreyhoundG1rl · 26/05/2021 19:01

Well, you can't actually request that anybody leave a church service.

But some idiots obviously see that as a "Well, I'm ENTITLED to be here, and so is my screaming baby, if anyone doesn't like it - tough shit.
Nothing they can do about it".
It's a wonder they ever get invited anywhere at all.

Pottedpalm · 26/05/2021 19:14

@Lottapianos

'dressed as a page boy, and shoved him into as many photos as they could' Shock

Have heard about people doing this, but thought it was an urban myth! The brass neck on some people

Absolutely true, I’m afraid . Our invitations had blue on, so the aunt correctly deduced that the bridesmaid’s dress would be blue. She dressed the child in blue satin knickerbockers and a white frilly shirt. The photographer was confused and kept asking for the bridesmaid and page-boy for various photos. My mum, who was rightly annoyed, would say ‘ There is no page-boy, just the one bridesmaid’, but the aunt shoved him into the photos anyway.
linsey2581 · 26/05/2021 20:35

@abystarrs Absolutely no way! If someone wanted to have children at their wedding they would have kids at the wedding. Why can't you respect the bride and grooms request. I wouldn't want a baby screaming through the ceremony.

ceilingsand · 26/05/2021 22:49

See if your mum can stay in a different place nearby, or book an Airbnb with 2 bedrooms.

Sophiethegiraffe1 · 27/05/2021 05:33

My friendship group from uni don’t meet regularly. But we are the age when people have started getting married and having kids.
The last wedding we went to, the bride, a good friend of mine, specified no kids. Most of us found this difficult to understand (culture wise) but only a few have kids so didn’t impact loads.
One member of the group, despite knowing not to invite her kid, brought her 7month baby. This was the only baby at the event. During the ceremony, the baby cried and had to be taken out. During the reception, everyone (who hadn’t seen each other in a while) spent quite a bit of time fussing and cooing over the baby. Quite rightly too, as we hadn’t seen each other in about a year before that.
Unfortunately, the bride, who doesn’t get dressed up often or is a very ‘girly girly’ had made a real effort and felt ‘upstaged’ and like her thunder had been stolen.
She actually got quite upset about it. It made us all feel quite bad and whilst I don’t think it ‘ruined her day’ it did make us all understand why one might not want children at a wedding.
Also, I would like to add my agreement that IMO you CANNOT compare a person with a physical disability to a child or a mum. The person who has a disability hasn’t chosen that and is unlikely to disrupt the event. However, IMO, you may (in some way) be able to compare it to someone with a mental disability, like dementia.
St the end of the day, if a couple wants no children (or dementia patients) or everyone to dress up like a banana on their wedding day, it’s kinda up to them. It’s their party, they can do whatever they like, and a guest can decide if they wish to attend or not. But it’s very entitled to tell them what to do with their own wedding just cause if doesn’t fit with your lifestyle.
In this situation, it sounds like it’s fairly clear children arnt allowed. It’s probably worth just clarifying but I wouldn’t push it or you’ll just make the couple feel obliged and probably ruin their enjoyment of their party. If that is someone you care about, that doesn’t sound like a nice thing to do.

MamaWeasel · 27/05/2021 05:47

If your friend really means a lot to you, can't you all three travel together, and you attend the wedding alone, eith your dh looking after baby? No need to inconvenience your mum at all. 🤷‍♀️

Babamamananarama · 27/05/2021 23:42

I guess it's about your idea of a good wedding really. For me a wedding was a two way street - you are inviting people to come and help you celebrate your relationship and to be a community around you and to deepen the ties between different groups of people in your life to enrich the network of support you have as a couple. I certainly felt hugely grateful to all who came to celebrate ours. And I respected that they came with their own families and ties and commitments and children! And because my friends aren't dickheads, I trusted that the ones who needed/wanted to bring kids would do their best to keep their kids entertained and happy and not to let them disrupt anything that has taken a lot of thought and planning. Which they did without any bother.

The idea of weddings that are long boring formal affairs at which kids can't be tolerated, designed around the couple's absolute whims at the expense (often) of their guest's comfort, enjoyment and often wallets seems just so pointless to me. 'They are paying, it's their perfect day so they can have everything the way they want it and your job as a guest is to turn up, turned out right, do as you are told and smile'. Really? Is that what the day is about???

Happily I've been to few weddings like that.

CornishGem1975 · 28/05/2021 08:30

Not having kids at your wedding doesn't automatically mean it's going to a be a long boring and formal? It just means there's no kids there...

SchrodingersImmigrant · 28/05/2021 08:38

@CornishGem1975

Not having kids at your wedding doesn't automatically mean it's going to a be a long boring and formal? It just means there's no kids there...
Oh don't apply some common sense here.

Child free eeddings are a 7 hours long sit down affair withat least 8 forks next to the plate and us (the self obsessed horrible women) having a drama queen fit if someone uses the wrong one. And don't even ask what happens if someone tries to laugh and have fun😱 We can't have that!

Clydesider · 28/05/2021 08:46

Just politely decline the invite. You do not respect your friend's decision if you're asking her to make an exception for you.

phoenixrosehere · 28/05/2021 09:31

I fed yesterday in a busy restaurant and didn’t become the centre of attention.

You do know that a busy restaurant and someone’s wedding is two entirely different things, right?

Also, the invitation was addressed to YOU and HUSBAND, not to you and your family or to you, husband, and baby. Maybe they didn’t think it needed to be spelled out explicitly since your child wasn’t mentioned.

This is all on you OP. You booked before the official invite, not knowing what the situation was. You assume that your baby would be allowed and they’re not and because you don’t want to leave your baby, (when you likely could) you want exceptions to be made.

Why didn’t you ask beforehand since you and bride are seemingly close enough that you knew enough details to book before the official invite?

Gilly12345 · 28/05/2021 11:08

I would just decline the invite, I think no children definitely means no babies. Her wedding her choice.

GreyhoundG1rl · 28/05/2021 12:13

@CornishGem1975

Not having kids at your wedding doesn't automatically mean it's going to a be a long boring and formal? It just means there's no kids there...
They just don't stop reaching, do they? Grin.
Stolengoat · 28/05/2021 23:55

I wouldn't want to go anyway, child free weddings sound miserable. Just my view.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 29/05/2021 09:39

😂😂😂

You people are bunch of wierdoes sometimes 😂
Miserable, boring, long, serious, formal😂 bah

If you cannot have fun without your kids, you might want to rethink your life a bit

SayHelloJamieLee · 29/05/2021 10:37

@SchrodingersImmigrant I completely agree with this!
Everyone at our child-free wedding said what a lovely, fun and relaxed day it was and how nice it was to have a weekend away from their kids Smile our ceremony lasted all of 15 minutes and the rest of the day was spent drinking, eating, chatting and dancing! Not a "long and boring" comment to be heard 🤷🏼‍♀️

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