To ask if my baby can attend my friends wedding

[abystarrs]

My friend is getting married in August and has invited me and my husband only.

Their wedding will be in Chester (where they live) we live in Birmingham.
From our house to the venue it’s 1hr 50minutes.

We have a 5 month old baby who is exclusively breastfed.

I don’t feel comfortable leaving our baby overnight (I know it’s 3 months away but I’m not ready to leave him yet and doubt that will change much in 3 months) and especially as we won’t be “just around the corner” and can’t get home quickly.

My mum has offered to come to the hotel with us and watch our son whilst my husband and I attend the wedding, which would mean I can keep popping out to feed him where possible, but the hotel is fully booked and taken up by wedding guests (we have a room booked)

I’ve spoken to a mutual friend who said she is having trouble finding a sitter for her 10 year old daughter but our friend (the bride) has specified to her absolutely no children can attend the wedding.

I really respect my friends decision but I’m wondering if it would be completely unreasonable of me to ask if I can take my son considering he’s just a baby.

I don’t think I’m going to be able to attend otherwise, and whilst I don’t want to put my friend in an awkward position I also really don’t want to leave my son overnight being so far away.

AIBU?

I have on most of them!!

@trixies whilst that is mortifying, the parents are clearly arseholes there. Essentially the only part of the whole day where they have to sit down and be as quiet as possible and they couldn’t even facilitate that.

@FTEngineerM Oh absolutely. It's always the parents, not the child's fault. Problem is that you don't always know what type of parent you're going to get...

[quote Horehound]@MoChridhe why did you go to the wedding?
Taking a baby changes the atmosphere of a wedding.
You just sound so selfish and entitled![/quote]
I agree it was probably selfish of us. At the time my baby was about 4 months old and ebf. In my "selfishness " I found it unreasonable to invite DH and I without our pfb. We has kids at our wedding and I always considered weddings family events.

No way would I go out of my way to facilitate this - if I was invited to a wedding I'd be over the moon if they specified no kids, I'd have a concrete excuse for not attending

I hate weddings though!

@mochridhe The solution if you think someone else is being unreasonable is don't go. Your idea of what a wedding should be is totally irrelevant.

We has kids at our wedding and I always considered weddings family events.
Doesn't matter one whit (which keeps autocorrecting to shit 🧐)
You received the invitation from someone else, it wasn't up to you to interpret it through your own personal filter.
Any invitations you deem to be "unreasonable" should be declined.
There's no way to spin what you did as anything other than wildly inappropriate.

[quote trixies]@FTEngineerM Oh absolutely. It's always the parents, not the child's fault. Problem is that you don't always know what type of parent you're going to get...[/quote]
Yes, so this is why a lot more weddings are childfree.

I agree it was probably selfish of us. At the time my baby was about 4 months old and ebf. In my "selfishness " I found it unreasonable to invite DH and I without our pfb. We has kids at our wedding and I always considered weddings family events.

Probably?

I'd have had you thrown out of the venue (if it was not a church) or the reception venue and not have cared if you never spoke to me again. I'd consider it good riddance.

There are loads of hotels and B&Bs and so on in Chester just book your Mum in somewhere else, then on the day she gets free reign in your room and around and about with her grandson and then you uber her to her hotel when you come up at a reasonable time.

@osbertthesyrianhamster

I agree it was probably selfish of us. At the time my baby was about 4 months old and ebf. In my "selfishness " I found it unreasonable to invite DH and I without our pfb. We has kids at our wedding and I always considered weddings family events.

Probably?

I'd have had you thrown out of the venue (if it was not a church) or the reception venue and not have cared if you never spoke to me again. I'd consider it good riddance.

And the fact that you weren't doesn't mean your friends weren't seriously passed off with you. Announcing that there was nothing the bride could do about it paints you as a cheeky fucker of the highest order.

@osbertthesyrianhamster

I agree it was probably selfish of us. At the time my baby was about 4 months old and ebf. In my "selfishness " I found it unreasonable to invite DH and I without our pfb. We has kids at our wedding and I always considered weddings family events.

Probably?

I'd have had you thrown out of the venue (if it was not a church) or the reception venue and not have cared if you never spoke to me again. I'd consider it good riddance.

We are still friends with the couple. Wedding went ahead without a hitch, baby did not cry, bride at some point in the day cuddled the baby. 🤷‍♀️

I would just ask. I said no kids at my wedding but mine were there! And I had a couple of friends who would have newborns and let them know that it was ok. You might as well ask. Maybe make it clear if they cry during speeches/ceremony etc you would take them straight out.
Ask, but they might well tell you no though. I think people who haven't had babies or exclusively breastfed babies don't understand that you can't just leave them with someone all day.

@MoChridhe

I once asked if u could take my 3 months EBF baby ,bride said no. I went to the wedding reluctantly and found 2 other babies there. Their parents hadn't asked bride, so they did not get a no. Lesson learned. Next child free wedding, I took my baby without asking. There was nothing the bride could do about it, besides wedding carried on smoothly.

This is the most self entitled thing I've seen!

@Lottapianos

'dressed as a page boy, and shoved him into as many photos as they could'

Have heard about people doing this, but thought it was an urban myth! The brass neck on some people

It happens,

I was bridesmaid at my sisters wedding back in 1989. She didn't chose the niece of husband to be as a bridesmaid. Her mother dressed her in an long dress in just about the same colour as my dress, albeit a different style. and got her in as many photo's as possible. Looking at them now, you'd think she had been a bridesmaid.

@MoChridhe

"I once asked if u could take my 3 months EBF baby ,bride said no. I went to the wedding reluctantly and found 2 other babies there. Their parents hadn't asked bride, so they did not get a no.
Lesson learned. Next child free wedding, I took my baby without asking. There was nothing the bride could do about it, besides wedding carried on smoothly."

You sound absolutely horrific. Unbelievable selfish narcissism.

@MoChridhe

I once asked if u could take my 3 months EBF baby ,bride said no. I went to the wedding reluctantly and found 2 other babies there. Their parents hadn't asked bride, so they did not get a no. Lesson learned. Next child free wedding, I took my baby without asking. There was nothing the bride could do about it, besides wedding carried on smoothly.

This must is the most self absorbed, selfish, self centred , ill mannered posts I've read on here You went against the bride and grooms wishes because people at an unconnected wedding did it? Dear God, I despair You should be absolutely ashamed of yourself, and don't try and justify it bacause the bride had a cuddle with your uninvited child, you forced her into accepting it 'There was nothing the bride could do about it' vile behaviour

Christ alive the amount of time and agonising which is spent over this particular question every year.

I cannot understand why small babies in arms are such a massive deal at a wedding. I can understand why, if you are a childless bride you might not appreciate the absolutely massive ballache hassle you are going to give to your guest by requesting (probably for well intentioned reasons) that they come child free. But surely most reasonable people, having it explained gently to them that attendance will be very hard without baby in tow, would make reasonable accommodation.

I just think we should normalise small babies at weddings. And elsewhere in public life. While they are breastfeeding they need to be with their mum and they really aren't that distracting!!

OP in your situation I'd explain that you'd love to come without baby but having explored the options it really isn't looking possible.

I just think we should normalise small babies at weddings. And elsewhere in public life. While they are breastfeeding they need to be with their mum and they really aren't that distracting!!

I just think we should normalise accepting the wishes of the people who invite and pay for you to attend their special event, without complaint. And accept if we can't make it for whatever reason, (childcare, date, location etc) politely declining and getting on with life.

They definitely are distracting if they decide to cry and scream. And yes maybe they need to 'be with mum', but as being a mum is a choice 'mum' has to accept that if she chooses to have a baby there's some things she won't be able to do for a little while.

There's a world of difference between everyday public life (shops, cafes etc) and special occasion like a wedding or other places that aren't suitable for babies (like one particular MN thread I remember where OP objected to being turned away from an 18 rated movie with a baby because 'it would just sleep through)

I just think we should normalise small babies at weddings. And elsewhere in public life
To be fair, there really aren't huge swathes of "public life" that babies are banned from?
And a wedding is a very personal thing, not an event open to the public at large (although the church technically is, of course; if you insist on bulldozing your baby into someone else's church ceremony against their wishes there's unfortunately little anyone can do about it).

Small children have limited social development, and certain types of event may be incompatible with this. It's absolutely OK to decide not to invite them.

So it would be OK to exclude adults with limited social development?

It's not remotely comparable to vegetarians or wheelchair-users, FFS.

I worded it badly.
But it follows that if the people getting married can do whatever they want and not consider their guests needs, that that might automatically exclude people with disabilities. Say a couple who want to get married in a remote location with no disabled access, meaning they'd exclude a friend or friend who is a carer.

It seems to be acceptable and normalised in our society to exclude kids from weddings for purely selfish reasons, and justified by "it's not suitable for children", when it's not usually that hard to just make things more suitable for children. So the real reason is that the hosts don't like children or imagine they'll somehow ruin their "special day". Which is an attitude that doesn't sit right with me. And is why it's so hard to ask friends about bringing babies to weddings when it really shouldn't be! In other societies, children are adored and expected to attend weddings.

I arranged for the grandparents to look after my baby. I expressed milk beforehand and used a breast pump and pads at the venue. My baby was fine, the grandparents were very happy and I had a great day out. I had no problems with mastitis.

But I hadn't realised that the 'no children' message only referred to those needing their own seats. Many people were disappointed not to see my baby and the bride had wanted to get some photos done with the baby.

I think it sometimes depends on restricted numbers and seating arrangements rather than no actual dislike of the children's presence. I would check just in case because I got it wrong before.

It seems to be acceptable and normalised in our society to exclude kids from weddings for purely selfish reasons

But this doesn’t make any sense.

Either the B&G have a strong relationship with the child and want to have them there or they don’t. People seem to assume that because the B&G are friends with them, they have a similar relationship with their children.

That’s not true and an insistence ‘my kids’ should be invited is a much more selfish position than the other position.

I see babies differently. It’s not always possible for them to be separated from mum, so if B&G want the mother there they need to accommodate that.

In other societies, children are adored and expected to attend weddings.

In other societies, children are a pain in the proverbial. British children have a reputation for being poorly behaved but at least the smaller ones are usually out of the way by 8pm. In Italy, a restaurant started to offer a discount for well-behaved children because the owner said they didn't see many of them. Many children are allowed to run amok until midnight and then collapse with their heads on the table. The adults never get a break from them.

it's not usually that hard to just make things more suitable for children

Weddings are long, boring, formal events with uncomfortable clothing and lots of waiting and sitting quietly listening to things (speeches, service etc.). People drink too much because there isn't a lot else to do. Short of cutting the service and the speeches and having a soft play instead of a free bar, there isn't much you can reasonably be expected to do to make them more suitable for small children.

But it follows that if the people getting married can do whatever they want and not consider their guests needs, that that might automatically exclude people with disabilities
No, it's an utterly ludicrous comparison.
I don't know any Neanderthals that would exclude a disabled friend like this. Has it happened to you?
Utter nonsense to suggest that this is on a par with not wanting other people's kids running riot round your reception, or screeching through your vows.
And stop your bloody nonsense about such a host "not liking children" as well. You can't really be blinkered enough to believe that's what child free weddings are about?