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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if my baby can attend my friends wedding

803 replies

abystarrs · 24/05/2021 20:12

My friend is getting married in August and has invited me and my husband only.

Their wedding will be in Chester (where they live) we live in Birmingham.
From our house to the venue it’s 1hr 50minutes.

We have a 5 month old baby who is exclusively breastfed.

I don’t feel comfortable leaving our baby overnight (I know it’s 3 months away but I’m not ready to leave him yet and doubt that will change much in 3 months) and especially as we won’t be “just around the corner” and can’t get home quickly.

My mum has offered to come to the hotel with us and watch our son whilst my husband and I attend the wedding, which would mean I can keep popping out to feed him where possible, but the hotel is fully booked and taken up by wedding guests (we have a room booked)

I’ve spoken to a mutual friend who said she is having trouble finding a sitter for her 10 year old daughter but our friend (the bride) has specified to her absolutely no children can attend the wedding.

I really respect my friends decision but I’m wondering if it would be completely unreasonable of me to ask if I can take my son considering he’s just a baby.

I don’t think I’m going to be able to attend otherwise, and whilst I don’t want to put my friend in an awkward position I also really don’t want to leave my son overnight being so far away.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 26/05/2021 15:54

'I just think we should normalise accepting the wishes of the people who invite and pay for you to attend their special event, without complaint.'

Very well said. It's not just the disruption (and babies CAN be disruptive), or tiny babies not costing anything to attend. Its bloody painful and upsetting for some of us to be around children. That just doesn't seem to be getting through to some on here. I can fully understand why a couple might just not feel up to having children at their wedding. Not everyone delights in having children around. Fully agree that people who can't attend childfree weddings shouldn't be made to feel bad for it but really, enough with the nastiness towards childfree people / hosts

GreyhoundG1rl · 26/05/2021 15:54

the bride had wanted to get some photos done with the baby.
Why? If she wanted your baby in the photos that badly she'd have told you beforehand...

trixies · 26/05/2021 16:07

@halfathreepence

Small children have limited social development, and certain types of event may be incompatible with this. It's absolutely OK to decide not to invite them.

So it would be OK to exclude adults with limited social development?

It's not remotely comparable to vegetarians or wheelchair-users, FFS.

I worded it badly.
But it follows that if the people getting married can do whatever they want and not consider their guests needs, that that might automatically exclude people with disabilities. Say a couple who want to get married in a remote location with no disabled access, meaning they'd exclude a friend or friend who is a carer.

It seems to be acceptable and normalised in our society to exclude kids from weddings for purely selfish reasons, and justified by "it's not suitable for children", when it's not usually that hard to just make things more suitable for children. So the real reason is that the hosts don't like children or imagine they'll somehow ruin their "special day". Which is an attitude that doesn't sit right with me. And is why it's so hard to ask friends about bringing babies to weddings when it really shouldn't be! In other societies, children are adored and expected to attend weddings.

Worded it badly and yet still comparing the two things.

I would not think it was OK to exclude an adult with limited social development or a wheelchair-user. That doesn't mean that the couple couldn't do it, there's no law against it, but I'd call them arseholes.

I wouldn't call a couple who excluded children arseholes. The difference being that being a child isn't a freaking disability.

PandemicAtTheDisco · 26/05/2021 16:14

@GreyhoundG1rl

the bride had wanted to get some photos done with the baby. Why? If she wanted your baby in the photos that badly she'd have told you beforehand...
No one actually said anything to me but the groom was a sort of unofficial Godparent to our daughter. I think they just assumed I'd psychically know somehow.

Afterwards I believed no children meant babies only.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 26/05/2021 16:17

FFS, had enough of people expecting their precious progeny to be indulged at every possibility and I have 3 kids myself. It's up to the hosts. How entitled and selfish can you be? It's not your party. People are allowed to put whatever conditions they want on their party, it doesn't make them arseholes to not want children there, if the invited don't like it they can decline.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 26/05/2021 16:18

The difference being that being a child isn't a freaking disability.

This. And having one isn't a fucking disability, either. Disgusting self-indulgent nonsense to compare the two in any way.

Lockdownbear · 26/05/2021 16:26

I guess it depends on the level of disability.

If a couple said we aren't inviting the demented Granny because she is likely to be hard work for the MOB, spoil her enjoyment of the day, disrupt the service, will need taken home early and won't remember a blinking thing about the wedding anyway. Nobody would bat an eyelid.

Yet there is a level of entitlement about taking babies and children to weddings. The couple who are paying are the people who matter. Nobody else. It's their day.

Also remember when you are the first of your peers to settle you may only have one or two small children to invite. When you are the last to get married you may well have lots of friends and cousins with children, the potential 36 children at out wedding ranged from 19 years to 12 weeks.

CounsellorTroi · 26/05/2021 16:32

It seems to be acceptable and normalised in our society to exclude kids from weddings for purely selfish reasons, and justified by "it's not suitable for children", when it's not usually that hard to just make things more suitable for children. So the real reason is that the hosts don't like children or imagine they'll somehow ruin their "special day". Which is an attitude that doesn't sit right with me. And is why it's so hard to ask friends about bringing babies to weddings when it really shouldn't be! In other societies, children are adored and expected to attend weddings.

It's not selfish to want to hold a celebration or event without children. it is selfish and entitled to expect people who don't have children to go out of their way to make their celebration child friendly.

motogogo · 26/05/2021 16:36

The answer is to simply say no if attending child free isn't an option. I've done this many times. Interestingly many of my friends are from Southern European countries and they find it ridiculous that British people don't automatically invite families, when we turned up child free to a party (didn't say and family on the invitation) they were a bit confused!

pinkyredrose · 26/05/2021 16:42

Wouldn't the best solution be for you to go to your friends wedding alone and your husband stay home with the baby?

GreyhoundG1rl · 26/05/2021 16:45

@motogogo

The answer is to simply say no if attending child free isn't an option. I've done this many times. Interestingly many of my friends are from Southern European countries and they find it ridiculous that British people don't automatically invite families, when we turned up child free to a party (didn't say and family on the invitation) they were a bit confused!
Party or wedding reception? Why are you conflating the two?
osbertthesyrianhamster · 26/05/2021 16:48

@motogogo

The answer is to simply say no if attending child free isn't an option. I've done this many times. Interestingly many of my friends are from Southern European countries and they find it ridiculous that British people don't automatically invite families, when we turned up child free to a party (didn't say and family on the invitation) they were a bit confused!
I'm from a culture where weddings involve whole families. There are some important differences when it comes to typical British weddings, though.

The two-tiered business makes the weddings here sooooooo long. Getting married in the morning or early afternoon and then all this faffing around and long speeches and sit down meals aren't really child friendly.

In these other European or Latin American cultures, the wedding doesn't start until much later, even evening, and the party is an all in that starts right after, the meal is often less formal, too.

The weather is another factor. It's often shit here. As kids we used to go to weddings and run around outside at the reception.

That said, as a child I found being dragged to all these weddings mostly boring AF.

Nicolastuffedone · 26/05/2021 16:56

But it does specifically say....it’s only addressed to you and your husband, you know the wedding is child free. Where is the confusion?

Watermelon222 · 26/05/2021 18:11

@BlackElephant

If it is a church wedding the baby can attend- no issues

You then just have the reception to cover?

One of our friends had a child free wedding, it didn’t matter to us as we didn’t have dc at the time.

One of our friends who had a baby - who was invited to the evening do- turned up at the church with the baby to watch and the baby screamed and banged the pews! I felt pretty bad for the bride and groom as they didn’t take the baby out and no one could hear the ceremony.

GreyhoundG1rl · 26/05/2021 18:22

If it is a church wedding the baby can attend- no issues
How rude! They can't be legally excluded from a church, certainly, but how ignorant to claim there would be "no issues" for the bride and groom if guests bring their babies when they've specifically asked that no children attend.

I hope I never meet any of you entitled dickheads in real life 🙄

BlackElephant · 26/05/2021 18:27

@GreyhoundG1rl

If it is a church wedding the baby can attend- no issues How rude! They can't be legally excluded from a church, certainly, but how ignorant to claim there would be "no issues" for the bride and groom if guests bring their babies when they've specifically asked that no children attend.

I hope I never meet any of you entitled dickheads in real life 🙄

No- it is entitled to want a church wedding- where family is a key part of the christian journey and then expect to exclude children!

No-one who was a practising Christian would dream of excluding children.

Those high- day and holiday C of E attenders who are all about venue looking pretty are those who are the entitled dickheads.

Having. church wedding means having an inclusive wedding where all are welcome. If you want to exclude children then have a private wedding- which isnt one in a church.

BlackElephant · 26/05/2021 18:30

@GreyhoundG1rl

If it is a church wedding the baby can attend- no issues How rude! They can't be legally excluded from a church, certainly, but how ignorant to claim there would be "no issues" for the bride and groom if guests bring their babies when they've specifically asked that no children attend.

I hope I never meet any of you entitled dickheads in real life 🙄

From the Church Of England website

Children are integral to our churches, but we need to make sure there are no obstacles preventing them from getting involved.

If you don't like it then dont have a church wedding.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 26/05/2021 18:34

God forbid parents not be dickheads and remove their screaming child from a church service to calm them Hmm.

GreyhoundG1rl · 26/05/2021 18:39

Jesus Christ, BlackElephant, you just don't get it, do you?

BlackElephant · 26/05/2021 18:39

@osbertthesyrianhamster

God forbid parents not be dickheads and remove their screaming child from a church service to calm them Hmm.
Of course they should remove their child if they are screaming but that is not the same as recognising that a child is always welcome in a church for a wedding.
topwings · 26/05/2021 18:40

No-one who was a practising Christian would dream of excluding children

Jesus, Mary, Joseph and the wee donkey, you can't be serious.

TheKeatingFive · 26/05/2021 18:41

No-one who was a practising Christian would dream of excluding children.

This is total bollocks.

BlackElephant · 26/05/2021 18:41

@GreyhoundG1rl

Jesus Christ, BlackElephant, you just don't get it, do you?
I do get it

You don't get it.

You seem very heated about it. Did you have a church wedding without being. a practising Christian?

That is being entitled.

SlipperyDippery · 26/05/2021 18:43

No-one who was a practising Christian would dream of excluding children

Quite a pronouncement on behalf of 2 billion Christians. Several who I know did not get that memo.

(I am a practising Christian but did have some children at my wedding. Nothing to do with my religion or marrying in a church though, I just wanted them there).

GreyhoundG1rl · 26/05/2021 18:43
Grin Heated? I just disagree with you. Don't do the "are you ok?" head tilt at me and imagine it strengthens your argument 😂😂😂