If a step parent is a SAHP...

[PurfectlyCatish]

AIBU to ask your opinion?

Another thread inspired this but I'm interested in opinions as it may possibly be my situation at some point.

If a step parent was a SAHP, would you also expect them to be so for their step children when they were due to be at that parents home? I.e. school runs, holiday care etc...

YABU - the SAHP should do the care for all the children when they stay, step or not.

YANBU - the SAHP only has responsibility for their own DC and the parents of DSC should make their own arrangements for things like school and holidays.

@funinthesun19

I think the step-parent should get a job

Why?
Are you against SAHPs in general or just against the ones who happen to be stepparents?

Why do you think anyone is against SAH parent?

In that context, you just can't have it both ways.

If you want the luxury to stay home whilst your partner works full time to pay the bills, it's more than reasonable to help out and it's your job to deal with the school pick up and drop off etc..

How else do you divide the responsibilities?

I’m not a step parent, but to be honest, I think if you’d do it for your own child, you should do it for your stepchild. Take the bus situation, my DC could get the bus, however they’d have to leave the house 20 minutes earlier, and we’re the last stop before the school, so can be hard to find a seat. This would cause unnecessary anxiety for DC, so I give him a lift. I also have a toddler, if they’ve had a bit of a lie in I just bundle them in the car in pjs and change properly when we’re home.
I think it’s fair enough to make plans in advance on days you don’t have the SC, and tell DH either you can watch them after you’ve done whatever it is you’re doing, or they can fit in with your plans. Generally, my toddler wants their older siblings around, and it’s actually a lot easier for me if they’re there too!

The point I was making is that DH can absolutely do this if he wants to but, if I were to help out, I will not be doing so.

Hmm. If he's paying you to stay at home then he is helping you out hugely. Therefore in return you can expect to help him by spending some of your time looking after his children. It seems really weird to refuse to take them to school on principle. It's not up to you to decide how they get to school, that is a decision for their parents. Fair enough you can refuse to be the one giving the lift, but that seems unreasonable unless there's some reason it's really onerous (rude ungrateful children or have to sacrifice something important). Would you refuse if your husband asked you to pick up his dry cleaning or post a parcel or any other errand? I would consider the things you are being asked to do.in practical terms of how it fits in with your life and the running of the household, rather than on whether you agree with the parenting decisions.

Personally you are either a family or your not. My dp is technically eldest step parent. Still takes both to school and picks then up if needed. If his off work and do is sick he cares for him. He home schooled them both for 4 months during lock down whilst I was still in the office as he was on furlough. Dps mum and my mum take turns picking kids up when we are both working. They split the holiday childcare too for the days we cannot cover between us.

@SnackSizeRaisin

The point I was making is that DH can absolutely do this if he wants to but, if I were to help out, I will not be doing so.

Hmm. If he's paying you to stay at home then he is helping you out hugely. Therefore in return you can expect to help him by spending some of your time looking after his children. It seems really weird to refuse to take them to school on principle. It's not up to you to decide how they get to school, that is a decision for their parents. Fair enough you can refuse to be the one giving the lift, but that seems unreasonable unless there's some reason it's really onerous (rude ungrateful children or have to sacrifice something important). Would you refuse if your husband asked you to pick up his dry cleaning or post a parcel or any other errand? I would consider the things you are being asked to do.in practical terms of how it fits in with your life and the running of the household, rather than on whether you agree with the parenting decisions.

She's looking after THEIR child. Not being paid by him to sit on her arse. Do so many of you really think so little of a SAHPs contribution?

And absolutely, if she is looking after her DSCs, she should be allowed to do so in whatever way she sees fit (within reason obviously). She's not a paid nanny who you can demand do things a certain way because you're 'paying them' if it helps to have perfectly old enough children make their own breakfast then they should, regardless as to what their parents do. If it helps everyone's morning flow better for DSC to get to school on the bus (like hundreds of secondary school children do) then they should.

If the parents want everything doing exactly their way they will need to do it themselves. If they are asking OP to help then it's on her terms and what works best for her.

Nothing wrong with children getting public transport to school for goodness sake. I got a train for half an hour all through secondary school. My mum could have driven me every day I guess but it would have been a huge faff for her.

Absolutely not.

And if the Dad cuts their sandwiches up into love hearts everyday, does OP need to do that too just because he does?

It's not up to you to decide how they get to school, that is a decision for their parents

If that's their attitude, I'd say they need to do it themselves then.

You can't expect someone else to look after your child for free, because whatever you think, she's not 'being paid' to, and say 'its not up to you to decide X Y and Z'.

It's not up to you to decide how they get to school, that is a decision for their parents

Tbh this is exactly the kind of thing that makes me reluctant to do it.

Treat DSC exactly the same, look after them like you would your own DC but don't expect to have any agency over how that works and basically do whatever their parent tells you to, exactly how they tell you to do it. Yeah... That doesn't work for me.

If I were to help I absolutely would expect to be allowed to make decisions.

If I were to help I absolutely would expect to be allowed to make decisions.

Yeah but your gonna come off as the evil stepmum - daddy drives me to school in this bmw but my step mum makes me get the bus in the snow ... daddy makes me a smoothie when I get in, step mum gives me a Capri sun

TBH the kids come to spend time with their dad so too much step parent takes away from time with their actual parent.

Surely you could apply that logic to every single thread on this site and then Mumsnet would be totally redundant!

Depends on the question being asked. Which here was what would people think about it. Not, what should I do, or what would you do, but what do people think about it.

The answer is obviously, it depends entirely on what is right for the individual. Other people’s opinions are irrelevant.

Threads like this make me appreciate my DH all the more. He took on my son and we parent him together. DS1 has a relationship with his dad too but when he's home with us (most of the time) he's patented by the two of us. I cannot imagine me parenting DS1 and the two of us parenting our DS2.

@Overthebow

Of course you should be there for step children. Step children should be treated the same as your own kids, that’s what happens when you marry and take on the role of step mum. Poor kids otherwise.

Step children don’t want their step mum to become their ‘parent’. And in most cases, they are not allowed to ‘parent’ as the kids kick off, and the parents kick off - ‘it’s their way’ so you are actually just an unpaid housekeeper to someone else’s children.

Believe me, I’ve been the SAHM and ‘parented’ my step kids - they hated it! It’s usually a disaster. And I was pretty fair and reasonable. Step children should be respected and treated fairly. They should be allowed to parented as they want - which is by their own parents. It’s rare that a child will be happy with this arrangement - and more likely they will be encouraged to treat step mum like a skivvy.

@Milkand2sugarsplease

Threads like this make me appreciate my DH all the more. He took on my son and we parent him together. DS1 has a relationship with his dad too but when he's home with us (most of the time) he's patented by the two of us. I cannot imagine me parenting DS1 and the two of us parenting our DS2.

Have you noticed that almost all ‘successful’ step parents where they are ‘parents’ - are

• step fathers
• kids are young and the father isn’t that involved
• aren’t actually doing much parenting on their own at all, just more joining in with the other parent
• not ‘guilted’ into doing it and it’s an organic choice that works well for the kids and step parents

None of which apply to the OP and usually don’t apply to most blended families. Which is why they have second families have an exceptionally high rate of divorce.

Interesting, @Rejoining

Totally depends on context.

But there should be no automatic assumption that the step parent of a child who already has two parents will take on regular and prolonged care.

I think I know the thread you're referring to. The step mum was being expected to take more responsibility than either parent. And hadnt even been asked.

@PurfectlyCatish

It's not up to you to decide how they get to school, that is a decision for their parents

Tbh this is exactly the kind of thing that makes me reluctant to do it.

Treat DSC exactly the same, look after them like you would your own DC but don't expect to have any agency over how that works and basically do whatever their parent tells you to, exactly how they tell you to do it. Yeah... That doesn't work for me.

If I were to help I absolutely would expect to be allowed to make decisions.

Exactly.

From MN step parenting for women comes across like the most thankless position of unpaid au pair/house skivvy.

The children have parents but you are happily gifted the job of skivvying for them.

As a parent who does it for my children and at times find it thankless and relentless, doing it for someone else's children would hold absolutely NO appeal.

Are you planning more children?
Because the truth is if you move in with this man, and have another child, YOU are going to get caught for it all.

It will be relentless.
Relentless.

Totally agree with you @PurfectlyCatish

I wouldn't expect to be given the roles and responsibilities of a parent but have no say in any of the decisions about behaviour, or travel to school (in this example). Ie be treated like the au pair.

No, it absolutely should not be an expectation. It can be an easy and sometimes the only viable option if the household can't afford childcare, but it should be discussed and the step parent should be asked if they are willing and happy to do it. It should never be expected or demanded by the parents.

Well done on not sleepwalking into the potential issues/traumas of step parenting! However, ime nothing is insurmountable as long as you have a good relationship with your dp and can talk it through. On one occasion, I heard dp talking to his ex (a quite forceful personality!) who had worked out my college dates and therefore when I was available for childcare .. Another time there were plans to set up a Google calendar to keep me updated on when I was needed .. However I made it clear that childcare plans were to be made between him and ex and if he then needed help, he could ask me.. Asking as opposed to demanding! Just know your boundaries and be honest and clear.

Step children don’t want their step mum to become their ‘parent’

I feel like this point is overlooked time and again on step mother threads.

“You should treat the DSCs as your own!! All the kids are equal [but not equitable]!!”

And this puts all the focus on the obligations and behaviour of the step parent and completely ignores the fact that if the step children have a very present and involved pair of parents already, then a step parent trying to ‘parent’ they like they’re their own can be super awkward for the kids.

CroneAVirus
There's parenting as in being heavily involved in discipline, expecting a say in big decisions such as schooling etc, and then there's parenting as in day to day care.

I'd never expect a step parent to try to replace the role of a child's parent, but do think that if someone (man or woman) chooses to enter a relationship with someone who has children then they are accepting a household that includes those children. I especially think if people choose to have children with someone who already has children, there's something quite unpleasant about the attitude that goes "I will only consider MY child, your children aren't my problem, but I might help you sometimes".
At the end of the day the children didn't ask for their parents to start new relationships and the new children didn't ask to be brought into the world, so the least the adults in the situation can do is have some maturity without keeping score over who did what with which child.
If someone doesn't want to factor in someone else's child/children in their lives, they need to avoid relationships with adults who already have children.

@PurfectlyCatish

It's not up to you to decide how they get to school, that is a decision for their parents

Tbh this is exactly the kind of thing that makes me reluctant to do it.

Treat DSC exactly the same, look after them like you would your own DC but don't expect to have any agency over how that works and basically do whatever their parent tells you to, exactly how they tell you to do it. Yeah... That doesn't work for me.

If I were to help I absolutely would expect to be allowed to make decisions.

Exactly OP, it's just not worth it because you won't get to do things as you would do for your own kids, even if you wanted to.

I honestly think it's so much more trouble than it's worth for you and it will cause so much friction as you already know your DH does things massively differently to how you would do it.

You're going to get the kids moaning to him that you're not running round after them, then you're going to get him on your back about that as well.

Hmm. If he's paying you to stay at home then he is helping you out hugely. Therefore in return you can expect to help him by spending some of your time looking after his children.

Helping her out hugely?? She's looking after their child, which presumably was an agreement between them both. She is already 'helping him'.

OP can absolutely not be expected to run around after two more children without question when that was not the agreement made when they BOTH decided she would be a SAHM to their youngest child. It is completely up to her if she's willing to take on all of that extra stuff.

@funinthesun19

I think the step-parent should get a job

Why?
Are you against SAHPs in general or just against the ones who happen to be stepparents?

The step-parent getting a job doesn't even solve the issue though? Or is it just that if she did have her job her DH would have to continue looking after his own children?