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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BIL in bedrooms

133 replies

Unknown187 · 23/05/2021 23:36

We had FIL, BIL and Niece (10) over today for lunch which doesn't happen that often

My DP told me earlier this evening once they had long gone that he found BIL and niece wondering around upstairs looking in the bedrooms

I'm not sure how I feel about this. I don't feel overly happy about it particularly as all of the doors were closed. BIL has once before looked around upstairs for no particular reason, this is why I left the door closed this time. We don't have anything to hide but even so it just feels unnecessary

Just wanted opinions really. It's not something I would do if I went to somebody else's house. It's a three bed house with one loo so if somebody wants the loo they do have to go upstairs but I'm not sure why they were both up there and looking around

Maybe I'm just overthinking it, just wondered how other's would feel

OP posts:
OrangeRug · 23/05/2021 23:41

YANBU. That's pretty strange and intrusive.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 23/05/2021 23:42

Looking for pets?

Are your beds accessorised with cats?

Jumpingintosummer · 23/05/2021 23:43

Odd and rude!

Aprilwasverywet · 23/05/2021 23:44

Leave a gimp mask on your bed before his next visit.

BillyTodd · 23/05/2021 23:45

Yeah that's awfully privacy invading, I'd hate that.

One of my friends who is extremely quiet and private (it's an expression of his autism) lives alone and has never invited any of us into his house. He had an accident recently and needed somebody to go into his house to fetch some things to be sent into hospital for him. Two of our mutual friends went over together, for security/accountability (in case any money went missing etc) and one of them said the other took her time to have a good look around all the rooms, not just the one or two rooms that they needed to go into. I think that's absolutely awful, and the non-nosey one told the guy and he feels like it was a horribly violation of his trust while he was literally in hospital defenceless too. Sad

So I know it's not the same thing OP but its on the same spectrum. He asn't invited into those rooms, bedrooms are commonly considered the most private of all rooms, and just no.

NoNobramma · 23/05/2021 23:46

You mr brother in law is your husbands brother? I think it’s weird that family members can’t see into your bedrooms tbh and you’d actually shut the doors.
I can’t imagine not being welcome in my sisters house. When you have kids they often wander into a room and you need to pop in to fetch them... hasn’t that happened over the years?
Maybe I’m just nosey but I know what most of my friends rooms look like in their houses. And I wouldn’t mind if someone wanted a little look Into the rooms.

PanamaPattie · 23/05/2021 23:46

Weird and rude. What was he hoping to find?

Freddiefox · 23/05/2021 23:47

@NoNobramma

You mr brother in law is your husbands brother? I think it’s weird that family members can’t see into your bedrooms tbh and you’d actually shut the doors. I can’t imagine not being welcome in my sisters house. When you have kids they often wander into a room and you need to pop in to fetch them... hasn’t that happened over the years? Maybe I’m just nosey but I know what most of my friends rooms look like in their houses. And I wouldn’t mind if someone wanted a little look Into the rooms.
This
Stichintime · 23/05/2021 23:48

Sounds like they don't have any boundaries. I would get your partner to ask his brother if he was looking for something.

Dogoodfeelgood · 23/05/2021 23:52

When friends or relatives come to my house for the first time I give them a tour of all the rooms, and most of my friends do this when I visit too. Maybe you should do an introductory tour so he doesn’t need to die of curiosity and peek when you’re not there. Grin

MeadowLines · 23/05/2021 23:52

YANBU Id make a point of locking the upstairs doors any time they come round from now on as you cant stop them going up there for the loo. Id also get dh to say something though

aiwblam · 23/05/2021 23:54

Weird and rude

Original poster
Unknown187 · 23/05/2021 23:56

I know some ppl will be okay with it and others won't. I just feel that if a door is closed upstairs in a house you're visiting then you don't open it and go in

When we go to my parents DD2 sometimes runs off after a nappy change upstairs and I know that my DP feels awkward if she goes in to my parent's bedroom. The door is always open but he just feels that bedrooms are private. I wouldn't go opening doors in FIL's house

There's no right or wrong answer I guess, I just don't feel overly comfortable with it. I think it's because the doors were closed

OP posts:
HerMammy · 23/05/2021 23:59

Having had an intial tour of someone’s house doesn’t give you the right to wander freely into bedrooms as you please.

Livingintheclouds · 24/05/2021 00:03

If the door is shut you don't go in. There's no reason for it . If they wanted a tour, they could ask.

Summerfun54321 · 24/05/2021 00:06

I wouldn’t love it as our house isn’t always tidy, but it would be far weirder to confront your BIL about it. If you say anything you’ll seem hostile and like you have sometime to hide.

MrsClatterbuck · 24/05/2021 00:20

@NoNobramma

You mr brother in law is your husbands brother? I think it’s weird that family members can’t see into your bedrooms tbh and you’d actually shut the doors. I can’t imagine not being welcome in my sisters house. When you have kids they often wander into a room and you need to pop in to fetch them... hasn’t that happened over the years? Maybe I’m just nosey but I know what most of my friends rooms look like in their houses. And I wouldn’t mind if someone wanted a little look Into the rooms.
Totally NOT this

Bedrooms are private spaces and ours is sometimes quite often messy and whether family or not are not for public viewing or nosey parkers. It is quite simply very rude.
In fact it's very rude to wander into any rooms that are not being used for guests or visitors

WindyRose · 24/05/2021 00:28

OP I think it's strange too and something I would never do in anyone's house. Some time ago I noticed DiL was going into my bedroom every time they visited, there are two bathrooms so she has no need to go into the ensuite at all and has to walk past the main bathroom to get into my bedroom and ensuite.

Next I noticed a few things had gone missing, in the beginning it was earrings and other small items, then she progressed to more expensive items (camera) and cash from my wallet, which was in the wardrobe under some clothes on a shelf. Other personal items had been moved and were in totally different places to what they had been prior to her arrival.

So I set a trap and placed cash part-way under a glass dish on the dressing table, took a photo (with timestamp) and sure enough after they left the money was gone...and she had been to the loo!! I tried to talk to DS but he wouldn't listen and started telling me I was going senile, so either he is aware of what she does or he's sweeping the problem under the carpet.

Have you checked if anything has gone missing? maybe some small item and you just think you may have put it somewhere else, because this is what I was doing in the early stages. Either way, I would set a trap with money or chocolates etc, take a photo before they arrive and see what happens. Trust me it's not nice to have to do this, but they will gaslight you if you don't have proof...and besides it's your home you can do as you wish.

Hope this helps? Good luck Flowers

TurquoiseDragon · 24/05/2021 00:40

@NoNobramma

You mr brother in law is your husbands brother? I think it’s weird that family members can’t see into your bedrooms tbh and you’d actually shut the doors. I can’t imagine not being welcome in my sisters house. When you have kids they often wander into a room and you need to pop in to fetch them... hasn’t that happened over the years? Maybe I’m just nosey but I know what most of my friends rooms look like in their houses. And I wouldn’t mind if someone wanted a little look Into the rooms.
My bedroom is my private space. Nobody goes in there without my permission, and yes, I do shut the door to place it off limits. I have some very personal and sentimental things, and I don't want anyone messing about with them, especially kids. I also don't want kids messing around with my drum kit.

It has nothing to do with how welcome anyone is in my house. I'm a good host, look after my guests and enjoy people coming around, but as an introvert I need that space to remain private for me to retreat to.

Ostara212 · 24/05/2021 00:49

OP "I just feel that if a door is closed upstairs in a house you're visiting then you don't open it and go in"

Agree.

GreyhoundG1rl · 24/05/2021 00:53

I think it’s weird that family members can’t see into your bedrooms tbh and you’d actually shut the doors.
Seriously? Who the hell needs to see into other people's bedrooms? How utterly weird that you'd think that.

watingroom2 · 24/05/2021 00:53

@BillyTodd

Yeah that's awfully privacy invading, I'd hate that.

One of my friends who is extremely quiet and private (it's an expression of his autism) lives alone and has never invited any of us into his house. He had an accident recently and needed somebody to go into his house to fetch some things to be sent into hospital for him. Two of our mutual friends went over together, for security/accountability (in case any money went missing etc) and one of them said the other took her time to have a good look around all the rooms, not just the one or two rooms that they needed to go into. I think that's absolutely awful, and the non-nosey one told the guy and he feels like it was a horribly violation of his trust while he was literally in hospital defenceless too. Sad

So I know it's not the same thing OP but its on the same spectrum. He asn't invited into those rooms, bedrooms are commonly considered the most private of all rooms, and just no.

Did he 'stop' the nosy person and say NO don;t be nosy

What was his motivation for telling the guy?

I think it was cruel to tell him

GreyhoundG1rl · 24/05/2021 01:00

Yes, cruel and pointless. I wonder why he felt the need?

Maggiesfarm · 24/05/2021 01:19

Very strange and, yes, rude, but it's possible he went to the toilet, his daughter came up and opened the door to one of the rooms to peek. Kids can be like this, they usually outgrow it.

I honestly can't imagine noseying around someone else's house and there are people I have visited in whose homes I have never been upstairs (unless the only toilets are upstairs), nor would I want to. Some people have been here and not gone upstairs. However, when I was, say, nine I might have been curious. There's something 'forbidden' about a shut door which makes it an adventure to open.

Just a thought.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 24/05/2021 02:19

Our bedroom door is always closed, when others are here... This is purely to indicate... It is PRIVATE....

The only people I would invite in would be close friends, in the one or two ocassions when I'm too unwell physically and even then I would be often in the sofa in sitting room...

No one needs to go in there EVER, without me being there....its private!

I would be pissed off if adults did this

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