BIL in bedrooms

[Unknown187]

We had FIL, BIL and Niece (10) over today for lunch which doesn't happen that often

My DP told me earlier this evening once they had long gone that he found BIL and niece wondering around upstairs looking in the bedrooms

I'm not sure how I feel about this. I don't feel overly happy about it particularly as all of the doors were closed. BIL has once before looked around upstairs for no particular reason, this is why I left the door closed this time. We don't have anything to hide but even so it just feels unnecessary

Just wanted opinions really. It's not something I would do if I went to somebody else's house. It's a three bed house with one loo so if somebody wants the loo they do have to go upstairs but I'm not sure why they were both up there and looking around

Maybe I'm just overthinking it, just wondered how other's would feel

@UneAstuce

I'm laughing at the idea of people giving visitors a tour of their house - who on earth does this 😂😂😂

Normal after moving house or major building work.

Not normal to go into bedrooms with closed doors on a regular visit.

My DM used to be nosey. Always with a reason to justify it. Also private letters would fall out of envelopes.

I'm a very private person, few people have been in my house because it's our retreat from the world. Even my back garden is like a beautiful secret garden hidden from view and like a fortress to get into. If your invited into our home it's because we value you highly enough to let you into our private world. My DSis is no longer welcome to stay. She had no respect for our privacy. Looking in drawers, reading letters, diaries, calanders. Nosing about our home looking for gossip to pass on. Now she wonders why we are not close and I don't tell her anything.

I treat people how I would want to be treated. It's extremely walk into rooms in someones house uninvited especially the bedrooms, family or not. I have regularly house/ cat sit for my mil over the last 20 years. I don't go in rooms I don't normally have to go in. Unless I am looking for the cat. Although I don't think she would care if I did. Aside from those times I would not go into her private space unless she took me in there. The only time I have needed to properly look about her bedroom was to pack a case because she was in the hospital. That is the only time when I would deem it acceptable.

Normal after moving house or major building work.

Is it?

I think it’s weird behaviour by your BIL. Assuming they’ve been in the house before, knew where the bathroom was etc? If there is a downstairs loo then it’s doubly weird unless one of them absolutely couldn’t wait. But then they were both upstairs.

So what did your DP say to his brother when he found him doing this? Was there a conversation?

I feel the same about people wandering around upstairs. My mil is a nightmare though. She hasn't been over for a while due to covid but when she used to come over she'd go to the toilet and wander around the bedrooms - we knew this as our floors creak like crazy and you could hear her walking around then she would come down and tell us to rearrange our bedroom a certain way or re-decorate. I think she's just plain nosy and annoying.

I couldn't do it in other people's house. It feels invasive.

He sounds nosy. No way would I do this if doors were open, absolutely no way if they were closed. My SIL has gone into my bedroom and opened my cupboards. Horrible feeling to have private space intruded upon.

I’m with you OP. If a bedroom door is closed, why the fuck would a normal person open it to have a look around the room their brother sleeps with his wife? That’s so weird. It’s hardly likely to be genuine interest in your decor (unless you drop feed you’re married to the brother of Lawrence Llewelyn-Bowen) so what is it, competitive-inspired nosiness?

But then I’ve found my mother in law rummaging in my bedside drawer once, when she wandered off from a family party. It’s not the first time I’ve found her in there. Once I found her pretending to be asleep on my bed when I came home from work and they’d ‘popped round’ in my absence. She has an obsession with my bedroom with her son. I can’t actually cope with how fucking weird I find it, so maybe I’m overly sensitive.

I second motion alarms or bucket of water on top of door or have some of hose sticky fly trap strings drop down

Oh yeah, @Bubblingbarnacles has reminded me, my MIL found a letter about my health when I was pregnant and apparently was beside herself with worry. So much so she had to tell everyone all about it. Shouldn’t have read my fucking private correspondence then, should she? Livid.

@KM38 what did she do?!

My BIL did this to me too. Opened my dining room door that was closed over and said 'what's in here then?' (I was using it as an eBay room to sell loads of clothes so it was a bit of a mess as I had packaging materials, or ironing board, mannequin etc, that's why I had closed door over- to hide the mess!)And then he opened my fridge to have a look too. I hated it. I would never do that in his house

As you’ve identified op some folks are very private about their bedrooms, even with their own kids, and others don’t care.

I’m in the latter camp, I couldn’t care less if someone wandered round, I don’t see my bedroom as some form of private sanctuary people can’t see, but on saying that I’d never just wander into someone else’s because I understand some folks do have issues.

I would give close family a tour of a house if I'd literally just moved in, that would seem normal. But most other people, at any other time? Why on earth would you?
Very rude to look round people's private space uninvited.

😂 nowt as queer as folk as they say. It must be something to do with family and the way you’re brought up I guess. I can’t imagine having family or friends over that I’d need to hide stuff from. I might say “oh god don’t even look in there it’s such a tip” but I wouldn’t actually mind if they did.
But then again I’ve got cleaners- so 1. The house generally isn’t a tip and 2. Clearly they go in every room so I’m not worried about other people going in or seeing.

Have they seen your whole house?

In our family it is wholly usual for people to have seen all our rooms, when we moved in, or following re-decoration or something.

But we would say 'ooh, have you seen our new bedroom curtains?' - we wouldn't go looking behind a closed door.

But then we wouldn't have deliberately closed doors during a family visit.

Family are family, not 'visitors.

I had a person do this in my house. In my bathroom too I’d hear the cabinets opening and shutting. I put very rude messages inside the room and the cabinets. Like fuck off you nosey cow! And it sorted the issue out . My reasoning on this was that if they were rude enough to bring it up to me then they would know that I’d know they’d been nosey!!

YANBU Downstairs for socialising, upstairs private.

Did your partner ask him what the hell he was doing?

I love having guests in my home, they are welcome to trawl through the cupboards downstairs if it so tickles their fancy.

But I would be extremely uncomfortable if someone went into my bedroom without permission. It’s different and there’s a level of vulnerability to it. That’s my personal space and I would never let people see it without permission.

My mum used to encourage my nephews and nieces upstairs for ‘a rummage’ and it drove me fucking insane. If I’ve spent time preparing to host you then to wander into rooms you’ve not been invited into is the height of rudeness!

@NoNobramma

You mr brother in law is your husbands brother? I think it’s weird that family members can’t see into your bedrooms tbh and you’d actually shut the doors. I can’t imagine not being welcome in my sisters house. When you have kids they often wander into a room and you need to pop in to fetch them... hasn’t that happened over the years? Maybe I’m just nosey but I know what most of my friends rooms look like in their houses. And I wouldn’t mind if someone wanted a little look Into the rooms.

Just because you are happy to have people look into your bedrooms or go upstairs in your house, doesn't follow that everyone else would be comfortable with that happening in their house. If we have guests, we have a guest WC downstairs and they have full access to everything that is downstairs in our house. If they went upstairs without being first invited to go, and probably accompanied while doing that, then yes, I would feel very uncomfortable with relatives wandering around where I don't think they should be. If the downstairs loo was busy, they can use the upstairs one but again, bedrooms are out of bounds (in my book).

@KM38 - let us know how you get on with your MiL visit today!

But I would be extremely uncomfortable if someone went into my bedroom without permission. It’s different and there’s a level of vulnerability to it. That’s my personal space and I would never let people see it without permission

It’s weird how we are all so different. I just can’t even comprehend this sentence, there is nothing “vulnerable” about my bedroom, it’s just another room in the house, with a bed wardrobes, drawers etc. I don’t perceive it as any more my personal space than any other room in the house.

We have friends to stay often, the bedroom door is always open unless we are in there, so people can see fully in when they walk past anyway. I can’t ever imagine viewing it as some form of vulnerable space that people can’t even see without my permission. It’s just another room to me.

@NoNobramma

You mr brother in law is your husbands brother? I think it’s weird that family members can’t see into your bedrooms tbh and you’d actually shut the doors. I can’t imagine not being welcome in my sisters house. When you have kids they often wander into a room and you need to pop in to fetch them... hasn’t that happened over the years? Maybe I’m just nosey but I know what most of my friends rooms look like in their houses. And I wouldn’t mind if someone wanted a little look Into the rooms.

Yes you are nosey! I can’t believe you think it is totally okay to wander around anyone’s house like this even if a close friend or family member. Do you have no boundaries? If I caught anyone wandering about in my bedroom (unless they had a very good reason to be doing so) they would be asked to leave and not come back.

plus @Freddiefox, you are just as bad, definitely not this!

Glad neither of you are related to me!

Nosey. Intrusive. Snooping.