BIL in bedrooms

[Unknown187]

We had FIL, BIL and Niece (10) over today for lunch which doesn't happen that often

My DP told me earlier this evening once they had long gone that he found BIL and niece wondering around upstairs looking in the bedrooms

I'm not sure how I feel about this. I don't feel overly happy about it particularly as all of the doors were closed. BIL has once before looked around upstairs for no particular reason, this is why I left the door closed this time. We don't have anything to hide but even so it just feels unnecessary

Just wanted opinions really. It's not something I would do if I went to somebody else's house. It's a three bed house with one loo so if somebody wants the loo they do have to go upstairs but I'm not sure why they were both up there and looking around

Maybe I'm just overthinking it, just wondered how other's would feel

It's very intrusive and i'd feel very uncomfortable too. Next time they visit either lock the doors or put some cameras in these rooms and watch them!

@Aprilwasverywet

Leave a gimp mask on your bed before his next visit.

And an inflatable sheep

We have friends to stay often, the bedroom door is always open unless we are in there, so people can see fully in when they walk past anyway. I can’t ever imagine viewing it as some form of vulnerable space that people can’t even see without my permission. It’s just another room to me.

@Bluntness100, I'm assuming you wouldn't regard it as your right to go into other people's bedrooms if their doors were closed?

I do think your parents not liking your dd in their bedroom is unusual.
I have been given a tour of her house by a friend, it was lovely as her house is very pretty and she was excited to show me. I wouldn’t be at all bothered if my db went into rooms, I am sure he looked round the whole house when he first came.
However, if less close people are visiting and my bedroom is untidy then I close the door, and I would not open a closed door in someone else’s house unless asked to. I have had friend’s children go through my drawers, or into cupboards, that did feel definitely rude !

@Mookie81 @LookItsMeAgain Haha, I’ll update after she’s been! Like others have said, it’s not that I have anything overly private going on that she can’t see, but it’s the principle. I’d never go into her house and just wander off upstairs into her bedroom etc 🤣🙈
When I told her to stop doing it she told me she “had to show my DS around the house so that he grows up knowing the house” 🤔🤣 strange response 🤣 i think she thinks I keel him locked in one room all day!
In reality, DH works away from home for weeks at a time and I’m sure she’s convinced that I let the place go go rot and ruin while he’s away and then he comes home and saves the day 🙄🤣🤣 in reality, DS and I spend weeks in a clean and tidy house (as tidy as it can be with a crawling 6m old 😅) and then DS comes home and the place is a bombsite until he leaves for work again 🤣🙈

*DH comes home

its rude to open a closed bedroom door to look inside. its creepy and shows lack of boundaries or willpower. You might be interested and wonder what its like sometimes, but even if that were the case, you still dont

Very rude but very common.

People are nosy.

It's the context that is bad. I don't mind giving a tour of my house, and when friends are staying over, of course they see my bedroom, no need to be precious about my bog-standard bed and curtains .
Still rude to go round uninvited. Opening the bathroom cabinet is a common one too apparently.

I do lock my study unless I really trust my friends.

People having a look at your family calendar is another one..

I am sure I even read a thread when the guests started to read the cards put on the mantelpiece and half the posters agreed with that!

Many people ARE rude.

@KM38 based on this statement from you In reality, DH works away from home for weeks at a time and I’m sure she’s convinced that I let the place go go rot and ruin while he’s away and then he comes home and saves the day
I'd dare to say she is looking for evidence of another person living with you or traces of you having a cleaner in regularly or something that she thinks she could use against you....maybe?

No doubt that she is being really nosey!

It remindes me of 'come dine with me' where they wander round bedrooms and go through peoples stuff at dinner parties... like thats not normal.

Theres no reason to be in someones bedroom unless invited and in ettiquette it the height of sleezy behavior.

My only real thought is they are robbing you, unfortunately we had a family member who did that to an elderly relative and its the only time anyone 'snooped' around, if your not up to something dodgy you wouldnt sneak around acting dodgy.

I've been with my husband for 15 years. Met his parents pretty early on and they both still live in the same houses as then. We don't see his father but we have keys to his mums and are freely allowed to go there when we need/want to. I'm nosey as hell and yet I've still never seen his mum and stepdads bedroom. They keep the door closed to that one room and despite my curiosity, I DO NOT invade their privacy.

I have had plenty of friends and family over the years that have not given a hoot, that doesn't mean everyone should/is be the same.

Just be respectful ffs.

YADNBU!!

is/should be

I think op as you’ve realised not everyone feels the same way about this. Which means he potentially doesn’t realise it is an issue. I can honestly say that before I started using this site I’d habe said it was only teenagers who felt this way, it was their private space in their parents home and that adults in their own homes don’t feel this way, that every room is equal.

Clearly I’d have been very wrong. It’s not just teenagers, many adults also feel this way but there’s a potential he doesn’t feel this way and doesn’t understand some folks do.

It’s highly likely if you were in his home and were upstairs for the loo and looked in his bedroom he’d not have given a shiny shit. I’m guessing he’s not a mumsnet user, so likely completely oblivious to the fact that some folks feel this way about their bedrooms past teenage years.

Things that might be in a bedroom

• diaries
• personal e.g. medical correspondence
• sex toys, lube, contraceptives
• excitingly stained and rumpled bed linen that you've not had a chance to sort out
• underwear
• very personal mementoes e.g. photos of deceased relatives
• valuable jewellery
• books you're reading in bed which may be, shall we say, less than intellectual masterpieces #millsandboon ;)

So yes, absolutely, I would certainly also like notice before my BIL started poking round our den of depravity bedroom, especially without me there to make sure he didn't peek in the drawers!

I think it must be the way people are brought up in some respects. I’m not bothered about privacy in my home, my mum and sister all know what all the rooms in my house look like and vice versa. None of us ever close any doors either come to think of it. This isn’t from snooping, just generally over the years you see certain rooms when you have sleep overs or use a bedroom for breastfeeding, getting changed etc.

I think if it’s not a close relative though, it’s rude to snoop, especially if the doors are closed.

Friend stayed in my house whilst I was away. I cleaned the room and the bathroom she'd be using and all the public areas - my bedroom was left a bit of a mess - door closed. She went in and tidied up and cleaned my ensuite - the thought came from the right place but I really felt quite annoyed at the invasion of privacy, I lock my bedroom now when we let people stay in our absence.

I wouldn't really want people going into bedrooms, I think it's rather invasive and rude.

That said, I can see a scenario where a child wants to show their parent another child's bedroom, whether it be a duvet cover, book, toy or whatever they would like. So I wouldn't be that fussed if that was the case. Better to ask but if they decided to use an upstairs bathroom for whatever reason, I could see it happening spontaneously.

If I felt strongly, I'd probably just say when they arrived that you'd appreciate it if people didn't go upstairs or into bedrooms (said to the kids but for the parents' benefit too).

@Bluntness100

But I would be extremely uncomfortable if someone went into my bedroom without permission. It’s different and there’s a level of vulnerability to it. That’s my personal space and I would never let people see it without permission

It’s weird how we are all so different. I just can’t even comprehend this sentence, there is nothing “vulnerable” about my bedroom, it’s just another room in the house, with a bed wardrobes, drawers etc. I don’t perceive it as any more my personal space than any other room in the house.

We have friends to stay often, the bedroom door is always open unless we are in there, so people can see fully in when they walk past anyway. I can’t ever imagine viewing it as some form of vulnerable space that people can’t even see without my permission. It’s just another room to me.

well the bedroom is where all our 'sex' stuff is... I think thats pretty vunerable.

From basics like underwear and lingerie through to condoms and lube, our fertility meds (something I dont talk to family about because its my personal medical issue), my bbt stuff (you know fanny thermomiters, pre-seed gel) and even a few sex toys we aquired over 13 years... certainly private an no one elses business to be rummaging through.

Its also where we keep the photos and keepsakes of the child we lost which are exaception personal and precious and I dont want anyone else intruding on.

It must be odd being such an open book that you have litrally NOTHING personal or private in your life... sounds invasive, overshare-y and exausting.

[quote LookItsMeAgain]@KM38 based on this statement from you In reality, DH works away from home for weeks at a time and I’m sure she’s convinced that I let the place go go rot and ruin while he’s away and then he comes home and saves the day
I'd dare to say she is looking for evidence of another person living with you or traces of you having a cleaner in regularly or something that she thinks she could use against you....maybe?

No doubt that she is being really nosey![/quote]
Haha, never even thought about that @LookItsMeAgain 🙈 Maybe she thinks I have a double life going on 🤣
In reality I think it is just the nosiness 😅 she’s one of those that asks a million questions because she needs to know every little detail so a closed door probably kills her inside 🤣

Mam, I get that and I’m sorry about your losses. I think though no one said he was rummaging and most folks don’t have their sex toys on display.

I think op as you’ve realised not everyone feels the same way about this.

It's common sense though. It's absolutely irrelevant if you are comfortable or not about it, it's pretty obvious to wait for an invitation in other people's home, especially when the door is closed.

It's also common sense not to go and help yourself in somebody's kitchen, isn't it?

adults in their own homes don’t feel this way, that every room is equal.
Since when? When you have a diner party, guests go where you direct them, usually living room, dining room and guests loo (for people who have a downstairs toilets), they don't start treking around the house?

I’m guessing he’s not a mumsnet user,
pretty sure you don't need to be a mumsnet user to have manners...

Yanbu. First time my brothers GF visited my house she went in all the bedrooms even though I shut all the doors before she arrived. It really pissed me off!

it is all about context and your own family culture

• how close are your family?
• does your partner have a family which is close and/or informal with all family members?
• importantly - what was the motivation (do you think) for BIL to open doors? if it was blatently to be nosey that is totally unreasonable. if it was another reason - such as that "open house" is normal in their family - then more understandable.

and most importantly, if it really bothers you can you not communicate this to your partner and your partner commumicates it to his family?

on a personal level I would not like any family member to do that to me (on my side or my partner's side), especially if i had closed all of the doors. You are extending hospitality by having them in your house / having them for a meal, you are not inviting them to survey your house like an open book.

Even if it is normal in one person's house to be free to roam throughout the house surely most adults would have the sense to realise that this isnt normal everywhere? That they would wait to be invited before going exploring?