BIL in bedrooms

[Unknown187]

We had FIL, BIL and Niece (10) over today for lunch which doesn't happen that often

My DP told me earlier this evening once they had long gone that he found BIL and niece wondering around upstairs looking in the bedrooms

I'm not sure how I feel about this. I don't feel overly happy about it particularly as all of the doors were closed. BIL has once before looked around upstairs for no particular reason, this is why I left the door closed this time. We don't have anything to hide but even so it just feels unnecessary

Just wanted opinions really. It's not something I would do if I went to somebody else's house. It's a three bed house with one loo so if somebody wants the loo they do have to go upstairs but I'm not sure why they were both up there and looking around

Maybe I'm just overthinking it, just wondered how other's would feel

We had a party in our garden a few years ago for a special birthday. My neighbour came along with her new partner. We'd not met him before. At some point in the day I looked up to see him stood in my child's bedroom looking out of the window at us all. At the time I found it really odd and instrusive!

I wouldn't mind people seeing into my bedroom, or asking for 'a tour', but when my FIL comes over he repeatedly goes for a piss in our bedroom en-suite (and leaves the evidence unflushed).

For reference he needs to pass three other rooms with toilets in to get there. I think it's a territory marking thing as I literally can't imagine any reason he'd do it otherwise.

Your BIL just sounds like the usual amount of nosy - if he does it again maybe loudly offer him 'a tour of the house' if he's that interested...

Depends on the relationship really and what is normal in your family. In my parents home for example I wouldn't have any issue walking into any of the rooms even if doors were closed, because I know they are all fine with that.

In DH's parents' house however there's no way would I go wandering round opening doors, and neither would he. It's just a different vibe. I haven't even seen all of the rooms in their house.

In most situations other than close family I'd assume a closed door means you don't go in.

The strange thing is it sounds like he was doing it after he had "left" and without you knowing... so I'd wonder why?

does your partner have a family which is close and/or informal with all family members?

I think that's also completely irrelevant, and the reason why so many people have problems with their in-laws.

It's not longer a sibling's home, it's a sibling + partner's home.
So you pretend it's just the partner's home and you follow their lead and at the very least wait until you are invited.

I wouldn't mind people seeing into my bedroom, or asking for 'a tour', but when my FIL comes over he repeatedly goes for a piss in our bedroom en-suite (and leaves the evidence unflushed).

On principle I would keep that door locked for the duration of his visit.
Who the hell does that!

@tattleandbagels

I wouldn't mind people seeing into my bedroom, or asking for 'a tour', but when my FIL comes over he repeatedly goes for a piss in our bedroom en-suite (and leaves the evidence unflushed).

On principle I would keep that door locked for the duration of his visit.
Who the hell does that!

Yeah, he has zero social skills or awareness and is approaching 80 so I'll just be acting normally and firmly locking the door in future!

If I catch him up there with a 50p, jimmying the bathroom lock then we've officially got a problem...

@yumscrumfatbum

We had a party in our garden a few years ago for a special birthday. My neighbour came along with her new partner. We'd not met him before. At some point in the day I looked up to see him stood in my child's bedroom looking out of the window at us all. At the time I found it really odd and instrusive!

That would give me the creeps. I would have asked him what on earth he was doing in the child's bedroom.

People are nosey.

Other people's houses are fascinating.

You shouldn't nose about but you want to.

There are red lines though: putting your head around a bedroom door to see what the room is like, or nosing at the toiletries when you go to loo, normal level of nosey.
Opening closed doors and drawers or reading letters and mail huge unaccptable invasion of privavcy.

My friend and her husband moved into their first home. The first time her MIL visited, she used the ensuite bathroom rather than the cloakroom downstairs or family bathroom to do a poo, and didn't flush it.

My friend was upset with her MIL on so many levels with that one!

I've had visitors do this. I think its v rude and they are just checking to confirm their suspicions that the house in not in showroom condition upstairs.
I think you should very calmly and pleasantly call your BIL out on this. The doors were shut. Did he think your house was for sale and wanted a quick viewing?

My family do this all of the time. I wouldn’t go in a closed door but if I’m going to the toilet I might poke my head in an open one. I’m not judgemental at all I just like to see other people’s decor for ideas.

One of the first places I lived in with my DH was near my parents. They occasionally dropped in without warning to drop things off.
He would be scrambling around the bedroom putting anything sex related in drawers, putting his laundry in the hamper while I went to let them in.
I was bemused as I would just close the door.
Then we moved closer to his DM and I realised closed doors were no defense against her nosiness so he had assumed my parents were the same.
It bothered me to start with but then I just started having fun with it.
She hasn't been in ages because of Covid so I'll have to think about what to do for her first visit

Once you have kids, and they have friends, you can't have a bedroom that is not visitor-ready, even if you didn't want it to be that pristine 😂.

My kids know that my own bedroom is completely out of bound if they have friends around, so it shouldn't be so hard for adults to follow the same rules.

My ex’s family used to do this and he refused to tell them to stop so I decided to have some fun with it. I left a huge laundry airier full of wet laundry across our narrow landing so that nobody could get into the bedrooms easily. It didn’t stop MIL squeezing past it but I also left a music stand right behind our bedroom door which fell over with a loud crash when the door opened!

You could artistically leave a few books on your bed for the nosey ones..

Personally I think it is rude and would never do it in someone else’s home, but as with much social etiquette I think culture and perspective come into play. DH’s family are very much “mi casa es su casa” and it would be considered a slight on extended family not to give them the same run of the house as the people who live there. I’d rather they didn’t, but on the whole it doesn’t bother me too much any more.

The only thing that did annoy me was when visiting children were told to “go up to X and Y’s rooms and find something to play with”. The visiting children were always much younger than my DC and, predictably, my own DC did not like having their cherished belongings dragged around by toddlers. This is my line in the sand and we have a very firm rule that no one goes in the DC’s rooms without them.

YANBU this is very weird and intrusive behaviour to me.

Even if my MIL tells me to go into her bedroom to use her hairdryer when we are staying over I feel extremely uncomfortable being in their bedroom. They are very intimate spaces.

It’s interesting, isn’t it? We have a very normal 3 bed semi and what would be normal for me is that people go upstairs for the loo (no downstairs loo) but confine themselves to the bathroom rather than looking round unless one of us is with them,. eg one of DC’s friends (in the 5-7 age range) and DC wants to show them his bedroom or something. If we were at someone’s house (other than immediate family), I would escort DC to the loo and gently shoo them out of other rooms, maybe encourage them to ask their friend to show them their bedroom if they were curious.

I don’t think I’m precious but I was really surprised when some longstanding friends of mine visited with their DCs and took themselves off to look around the house uninvited within minutes of arrival, loudly calling down how nice it was. I found it quite rude.

They then encouraged their older two DCs to explore the upstairs unsupervised which I was not happy with at all, especially not when I went up five minutes later to see what they were doing and found one of them trying to raid my (highly breakable) jewellery box! I ended up firmly escorting them downstairs and explaining that all the toys are in the living room so we don’t play in adult bedrooms....

Yes, that is rude in British culture. In US friends tend to give you a full top to bottom house tour the first time you come over and then you have no excuse to get lost on the way to the toilet.

We are a bit mixed in culture so it’s alright for family to wander and even have a nap in one of our bedrooms if they need to without asking. But friends no. But close friends over with a toddler they want to have nap or a place to breastfeed a baby, we will offer them a bedroom to use.

My bedroom is the repository for all the crap when I have to have a panic tidy up because someone's just announced they're coming round, so I'd be mortified if anyone ever took it upon themselves to go in there!

Weird that people look in other people's bathroom cabinets. I'd find that really creepy and intrusive.

@NoNobramma

You mr brother in law is your husbands brother? I think it’s weird that family members can’t see into your bedrooms tbh and you’d actually shut the doors. I can’t imagine not being welcome in my sisters house. When you have kids they often wander into a room and you need to pop in to fetch them... hasn’t that happened over the years? Maybe I’m just nosey but I know what most of my friends rooms look like in their houses. And I wouldn’t mind if someone wanted a little look Into the rooms.

Personally I think you're a bit nosy, but you did mention it first.

I would never wonder round the upstairs of a friend or relatives house unless I was staying there, and even then I would only go to my room or bathroom. The only other occasion would be seeing a new house for the first time and even then it would be a guided tour by the owner.

I think the bil was rude.

I would say this is a British quirk. Where I'm from you always get a tour of the place when you first come there and there are no rooms off limits really. Although, I wouldn't go snooping in drawers etc. I have been in all my friends bedrooms, and I encourage my kids to play/hang out with other kids in their rooms rather than downstairs. They are teenagers now, but they both have friends who they have had for years, whose bedrooms they have never seen. For me that is odd. Me and my friends spent all our time in our bedrooms growing up.

I would say this is a British quirk.

Why do people say that?
I have never been in a country where it was acceptable to visit your host's house uninvited..

Yes, many give you a tour - even give you their bedroom when you stay over. But that's not the issue: the guests WAIT until they are invited, they don't take it upon themselves to visit and help themselves/

@SwedishK

I would say this is a British quirk. Where I'm from you always get a tour of the place when you first come there and there are no rooms off limits really. Although, I wouldn't go snooping in drawers etc. I have been in all my friends bedrooms, and I encourage my kids to play/hang out with other kids in their rooms rather than downstairs. They are teenagers now, but they both have friends who they have had for years, whose bedrooms they have never seen. For me that is odd. Me and my friends spent all our time in our bedrooms growing up.

I think teens inviting their friends into their rooms and hanging out there is perfectly normal? It's a whole world away from mooching around someone else's home uninvited as an adult.