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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to leave my husband and baby

141 replies

Sadmum181 · 23/05/2021 21:07

I feel like I can't cope anymore...have a really nice husband and to everyone else the perfect baby. But I'm just so unhappy. I hate being a mum and feel like I can't go on, I miss my old life. I think I should just leave because I'm a shit mum and wife 😢

OP posts:
Aprilwasverywet · 23/05/2021 21:10

To your baby you are the most important person ever ever...
Please please confide in your midwife and dh. Every new dm has wobbles... Some are the 'baby blues' and go away as fast as they came. Sometimes we need a little extra support.... You aren't doing anything wrong. Hormones have a lot to answer for remember... Don't struggle on alone. And don't leave. Give yourself a break op... Giving birth isn't a walk on the park.
Flowers

katienana · 23/05/2021 21:11

I'm sure you're not a shit mum or wife. When you have a young baby it's a really emotional and difficult time and the hormones can really affect your state of mind. The first step is to tell your husband how you're feeling, and ask him to get medical help for you. You need to be assessed for PND. There is a way out of this if you ask for some help.
I hope you feel better soon xxx

Misspacorabanne · 23/05/2021 21:11

Op your not a shit mum! You wouldn't care about feeling this way if you were! The fact your posting about this shows you care. How old is baby?

Bonheurdupasse · 23/05/2021 21:13

You are a person too. With one life. Don’t martyr yourself.
Do what you need to do for yourself.
People bring up PPD as the answer.
This just hides the reality that many people have no idea how difficult life with children is. And if they could undo it then they would.

That’s a taboo in today’s society. Especially for women.

Brokenrecord3006 · 23/05/2021 21:13

How old is your baby? You've not given loads of details, but I found it so difficult having a baby. I cried most of the time and no-one understood. Only now he is coming out of the toddler stage am I really finding my feet with being a mum. It's hard! Does your husband know how you're feeling?

Horehound · 23/05/2021 21:13

How old is your baby?
Do you think you may have PND? Flowers

VettiyaIruken · 23/05/2021 21:13

Flowers how old is the baby? Have you told anyone you're struggling?

Coldwine75 · 23/05/2021 21:13

OP hasnt said she has just had a baby so talking to a midwife is irrelevant. How long have you felt this way op?

Flowerclock · 23/05/2021 21:13

How old is your baby?

tiredanddangerous · 23/05/2021 21:13

Please call your GP or health visitor in the morning op. I felt exactly as you describe after I had dc1. It's not forever and you are not a shit mum Flowers

Bonheurdupasse · 23/05/2021 21:13

*PND not PPD

PicaK · 23/05/2021 21:14

No. Don't go. Stop.
Rock the boat. Scream. Shout. Holler.
Make as much noise, as you can to signal how unhappy you are and need help.
Please.

Lovelanguedoc · 23/05/2021 21:17

Having a baby plays havoc with your hormones. How you are feeling is completely understandable for a new mother. It will get better in time, honestly.
You are certainly not a shit mother, and your baby needs you and relies on you.
If I were you I would have a chat with your health visitor, or your GP. It may be post natal depression, and that can be treated. Flowers

Original poster
Sadmum181 · 23/05/2021 21:26

6 months. But I don't think it's pnd because I wasn't happy about being pregnant, like I wasn't one of those women who desperately wanted a baby and was Al excited and then got depressed. I was really unhappy already

OP posts:
allthequeenshorsesandmen · 23/05/2021 21:27

F

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 23/05/2021 21:29

Oh OP it's very hard, and jarring when you see people around you loving it and you think I don't feel like that...

Have you spoken to anyone about how you feel? Talked to your DH at all, even in vague terms? Could you speak to your GP?

I'm very sorry you're feeling like this.

toocold54 · 23/05/2021 21:30

I do think this sounds like depression.

So many parents at some point feel like they don’t like being parents (myself included). You go from a carefree life to literally non stop work and constant worry it is so draining!
I was like you and although I love my DD so much and wish I didn’t take the early years for granted I won’t ever have another child because being a parent is so difficult and I don’t think it’s talked about enough which is why it’s nice to come on here and know there’s other people in the same situation.

EishetChayil · 23/05/2021 21:35

@Bonheurdupasse

You are a person too. With one life. Don’t martyr yourself. Do what you need to do for yourself. People bring up PPD as the answer. This just hides the reality that many people have no idea how difficult life with children is. And if they could undo it then they would.

That’s a taboo in today’s society. Especially for women.

Are you honestly suggesting she leaves her baby?

Coldwine75 · 23/05/2021 21:35

You mention being unhappy when pregnant, presume it was a surprise pregnancy? Your baby is still v young so will get easier. I would advise seeing a gp for depression xx

Naunet · 23/05/2021 21:41

6 months. But I don't think it's pnd because I wasn't happy about being pregnant, like I wasn't one of those women who desperately wanted a baby and was Al excited and then got depressed. I was really unhappy already

I think that actually increases the chances of PND, I might be wrong, I’m not an expert. We’re you pushed into the pregnancy? I think you really need to speak to someone OP, it’s ok to need help.

MrsHInch · 23/05/2021 21:43

You are depressed my love & the hormonal changes you've gone through, during the pregnancy and beyond into motherhood hasn't made anything any easier.

Not to forget, you've also been riding the covid storm for 18 months xxx

Don't be hard on yourself. Speak out, get help, be kind to yourself xxx

Naunet · 23/05/2021 21:48

@Naunet

6 months. But I don't think it's pnd because I wasn't happy about being pregnant, like I wasn't one of those women who desperately wanted a baby and was Al excited and then got depressed. I was really unhappy already

I think that actually increases the chances of PND, I might be wrong, I’m not an expert. We’re you pushed into the pregnancy? I think you really need to speak to someone OP, it’s ok to need help.

Just wanted to add to this, I’m not trying to suggest that PND is the only problem here, you can be depressed/stressed AND have PND. If you were pushed into this pregnancy, then as well as struggling with that, you’d be more likely to ALSO develop PND.
TicTac80 · 23/05/2021 21:48

Could you talk to your husband, GP and HV? See if you can get some help with the things that you're finding difficult? I think that you're really brave to post and it's really good to ask for help. If it helps at all, there were many times that I wished for my old life (pre-kids) and doubted my abilities as a mum. x

PS I doubt that you're a shit mum and shit wife at all! I'm sure you are great...you probably just can't see that at the moment. You mean the world to your baby and to your DH.

Horehound · 23/05/2021 21:48

I do think this is pnd.

Either way, go to the Dr and seek help

Donitta · 23/05/2021 21:56

I have a theory that PND is just the perfectly natural result of having your freedom removed, huge physical upheaval and injury, getting no sleep, having no time to yourself, and realising you’re tied like this for the next two decades and won’t have a single second to yourself to do anything that makes your life worth living. When something like that happens overnight it’s understandable that it fucks you up. Of course your husband seems like he’s coping better. He hasn’t had the physical side of things and he isn’t the primary parent with a baby glued to them. If you walked away you’d soon see him break down under the pressure just like you have.

You are not a shit wife and mother. You’re struggling with an incredibly difficult and life altering change. I don’t know how much support you have but I’m guessing not enough since you seem to be struggling. Truthfully you just have to learn to cope with life being different, and that takes time. You can’t go back to how things were before, not even if you walk out. But you will have a life, albeit different to before. My DC is 3 and I’m just about pulling myself together now. It takes time to get to grips with this new life, be kind to yourself x

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