To want to leave my husband and baby

[Sadmum181]

I feel like I can't cope anymore...have a really nice husband and to everyone else the perfect baby. But I'm just so unhappy. I hate being a mum and feel like I can't go on, I miss my old life. I think I should just leave because I'm a shit mum and wife 😢

@EishetChayil

Honestly, why not? I know a bloke who walked out on his partner and three kids (two youngest were six months old.) Why is it okay when men do it, but not women?

[quote SapphireSeptember]@EishetChayil

Honestly, why not? I know a bloke who walked out on his partner and three kids (two youngest were six months old.) Why is it okay when men do it, but not women?[/quote]
It isn't ok when men do it.

Children are their parents' responsibility. If they can't cope they should seek help.
Walking out isn't the answer

What do you mean?
Never see them.again, or to have access EOW or 50/50.

What made you have the baby if you didnt want to?

What would it all look like for you?

I remember thinking my life is over after the birth of my first child. It felt like the world completely changed. I cried a lot, grieving the life I thought I lost. I didn't know it then, but I do now...it was post natal depression. If you get help, you will stop feeling this way I promise you.

I felt the same OP. It will get better. Sometime soon your baby is going to start walking and talking and actually sleeping at night and you're going to be so glad you stuck around. You'll get chances to actually be yourself again, and the chance to share your time with this lovely little person.

The early months are brutal, it's important that you tell someone like your DH, friend or even GP if you feel like you're really not coping. I used to lie awake next to my baby listening to his little sleep sounds and wish I could undo it all, absolutely hated myself because he was tiny and needed me and it felt like the having these thoughts made me the worst person ever. So I really get it. I didn't tell anyone and it just made it worse. Now I love my time with my child and am so very glad I have him. It just took time - and for the physical and mental exhaustion of a little baby to stop! The only thing that I regret is not seeking help, it took me under a year to really love life as a mother but is taking a lot longer to get over the damage of feeling the way I did and keeping it to myself.

@LittleMissMe99

I remember thinking my life is over after the birth of my first child. It felt like the world completely changed. I cried a lot, grieving the life I thought I lost. I didn't know it then, but I do now...it was post natal depression. If you get help, you will stop feeling this way I promise you.

Just to add, it started during pregnancy. I think it's called pre natal depression. I wasn't exited at all. And I was really sad

Pregnancy and early babyhood care reallly hard, and on top of that it sounds like you have PND. Please talk to your GP/HV in the morning - and your DP - and get some help.

You won’t be a shit mum, you are just struggling a bit now, the priority is to get you feeling better, the baby will be fine. Please flag this as n emergency.

Yes with covid it has been even harder as we have been alone the entire time with no support whatsoever. I just feel like no one can help me. I've been depressed before and nothing has ever helped.

@AgathaAllAlong she already sleeps really well so is a good baby but I still feel like this. Everyone else thinks she's perfect except me.
@Branleuse I rushed into pregnancy, started discussing baby when I wasn't really ready probably hormones talking + pressure from inlaws and then it also ended up being an accident

You say everyone thinks she's perfect except you - is it that you don't like your baby or don't like the lifestyle (or both)? No judgement either way, just trying to understand exactly what is getting you so down.

My pregnancy was also unplanned and an upsetting time all round so I understand that too. It doesn't help. But it also doesn't mean that it won't get easier, and again, I'd really encourage you to open up to someone IRL. You'll be amazed by how many people felt the same. I think really you need to figure out what you want. Is being in your child's life something you want, if it felt not overwhelming and if it includes time to be yourself? If so it's worth seeking help and persevering.

But also go easy on yourself the whole experience is brutal and you need to really cut yourself some slack. Your baby is safe and looked after, you're doing so well already.

. My thoughts are with you OP. Please go and seek some urgent help from your GP. A lot of women do suffer post birth and sometimes this can become stronger at about the six month point when your natural resilience is more stretched. With help this time will pass.

@AgathaAllAlong I just dont like anything about having a baby, don't enjoy all the baby stuff, sick of constantly cleaning up after her and my dh and pets, I think also doesn't help that ive been stuck with dh at home 24/7 for over a year... Really need some space. I just can't imagine it ever getting better. We're going on holiday in the summer and I just wish it was the two of us bc I just think how everything will have to revolve around her, no more carefree times or doing things spontaneously

The description you give of the run up to your pregnancy puts you at very high risk of PND, OP

There is loads of extra mental health support available when you gave a baby so you should be able to access a lot more help than you have before. Reach out to your HV or GP or self refer through IAPT.

Does your husband pull his weight at home and with the baby?

@Sadmum181

You cant go back in time obviously, so whatever choices you make, you need to factor in that you chose to have her. You chose to continue a pregnancy and shes here, she exists.
The carefree life you are missing doesnt really exist, because no matter what, the child is here and youre her mother and if you just up and leave, that wont mean you dont have some responsibility for her.
Its not about whether youre having a good time or not. Noone expects you to be having a great time with a six month old baby. Its kind of relentless, but someone has to look after her and as she gets older, she will do more things by herself.
Even if you leave, youll still have to take care of her sometimes, and youll still have to pay for her and organise your life so that you dont fuck her up. Its perfectly possible to compromise and find ways of co-parenting so that both you and your husband or soon-to-be-ex husband can both have time to enjoy things, while taking responsibility for the child you decided to have together, even if you feel you cant do this full time.

Sounds like PND, please seek help. I have PND too and I’ve just started counselling. Having a baby reeks havoc with your hormones so depression is extremely common. You’re not alone and there’s nothing wrong with you for thinking this, it’s more common than you think.

@Branleuse I'm not sure if that really helpful... I love my dh and don't really want to leave him, I'm just really unhappy.

OP I’m not a natural mother and I hated having a baby. But it was a lot better by 18m when my DC had a personality and could talk. Now he’s 3 and is a little person who chatters non stop. He goes to nursery and plays by himself, and I’m happier now I’ve got that space. They aren’t little forever.

Why is your husband not picking up after himself/the pets/you?

I have a theory that PND is just the perfectly natural result of having your freedom removed, huge physical upheaval and injury, getting no sleep, having no time to yourself, and realising you’re tied like this for the next two decades and won’t have a single second to yourself to do anything that makes your life worth living. When something like that happens overnight it’s understandable that it fucks you up.

I completely agree, @Donitta.

Hello lovely,

Have a look at 'Home Start' - your health visitor should be able to put you in touch. The volunteers have all been in similar positions to you. Their support means you will get valuable time alone. Sorry this is brief... if you want to DM me that's fine.

Midwife.

At this stage, you are beyond exhausted and are not really in the right frame of mind. I promise you it does get easier. I would recommend getting as much support as possible if you can. Can someone look after the baby for a couple of hours while you go shopping or go for some 'me' time? It's so important. Those few hpurs can make the world of difference. No one told me that. I would have done things completely differently. My boys are now 4 and 5 and I wish I had accepted more support.

It is so mimimising when people trope pnd. You may have pnd. None of us have any idea. But it is perfectly valid not to like being a parent.Or indeed to hate being a parent. And some people are shit parents. The op has told us she may be a shit parent. Why are we automatically dismissing that? Op if you are able to focus at all, put the baby in a safe place and do what you need to do for you. If baby is safe at home you are entitled to move out, back to your parents, a hotel, whatever. For a break or for ever. Then look again at the situation and take it from there.

I'm not sure if this will help but I felt very similar to you after my first was born. I even ran away one evening for an hour and only came back when I realised I had no phone or money.

You are not alone. A lot of mums feel like this. Be frank with your husband and tell him you need more help. Give him tasks to do, like sorting the pets. Tell him you're having an hour to yourself and run a bath and chill. This baby is as much his as yours.

You are not a bad mum. The fact you care enough to worry about it, shows you're a good mum. And as much as it doesn't feel like it now, you can get past this feeling. My son is nearly six now and last night he woke up, I went in kissed his head, cuddled him and he told me I'm the best mum in the world. He may be a little limited experience wise on that, but I'm taking it! It now seems a lifetime ago that I wanted to run away.

As much as I hated people saying this to me, it did get better with time. My son grew up, became more interactive, and dare I say it, more interesting. There was less repetitive routine stuff and I got more time to myself, which I think is really important for mental health.

Back, five and a half odd years ago, I was diagnosed with severe PND. We have something called the Crisis Team here in Gloucestershire. You can ring them and they can offer support. We also have a perinatal mental health team, which your health visitor should be able to put you in touch with. Finally, there's a local support group here for mums here, called Shine, who offer a chance to talk to other mums who are struggling (there's a lot of us) and therapy through craft whole someone else watches your baby. I'd ask locally if there's something like that. Or just get yourself something simple to pick up and do if you get a spare ten minutes, just so you've done something not baby related.

I wish you all the very best. PND sucks big time. But, from afar, I think you sound like a great mum with a lot on your plate. Kick your OH into gear and don't be afraid to ask friends and family for help if you can. Virtual hugs .

Is it possible to put little one into childcare/family look after for a few hours a week to give you a break? Are you going back to work?