To want to leave my husband and baby

[Sadmum181]

I feel like I can't cope anymore...have a really nice husband and to everyone else the perfect baby. But I'm just so unhappy. I hate being a mum and feel like I can't go on, I miss my old life. I think I should just leave because I'm a shit mum and wife 😢

You can have pnd for as long as it goes untreated. You’re not in a safe zone after 6 months my sweet, my mum ended up threatening to smash up a doctors waiting room when I was 2 years old unwell they helped her, she too was told it was too late for PND and made to feel crazy and wrong. Please speak to your GP, I too felt the same and I remember one day telling my sons dad I would rather split and him take our son because I “didn’t want him”. My son is two now and I could never love anyone more, you will get better. It does get better.

I think a lot of women find that young babies really aren't that interesting company, but it's not something that is spoken about openly, especially before someone has a baby and therefore it is a massive shock after the baby is born.

What saves most women in this position in normal times is the baby activities, babies don't need them, it's company for the parent, but you've had the added difficulty of a pandemic.

As normal life starts to resume I would try to put yourself out there and join as many activities as you can afford to. Give yourself as much chance as possible to find like minded people who you click with. The relief when you find another adult on your wavelength who gets you is massive and so worth the effort of making yourself go.

Another bonus of babies at that age is that you can do what interests you and take them along. I used to take mine to art galleries, the library, cafes and read a book while she napped. These things will start to be possible again soon, what do you enjoy doing for you?

Try to think about how you could get some space, I took up running and I hate running, but being able to hand the baby over and literally run away for 20 minutes really helped and I didn't have to be somewhere at a set time which helped.

I remember the longing for doing something with just my husband, in fact it started the day she was born when the midwife sent me for a shower with my husband to help me, I was so relieved to get away from the baby and just be with him. I promise you will have these times again, mine are now 4 and 8 and i've been able to go on dates with my husband (pre Covid) and leave them with my husband and go abroad with friends.

As other's have said speaking to your GP is a good place to start, they'll be able to support you. Life will get better and you will be happy again.

Oh love. You are not a shit mum. Lots of mums hate the baby stage and it doesn’t last. She’ll be a walking talking child soon and you may feel differently about being a mum then - it’s more fun! Coupled with Covid a small baby must have been very restricting. Get out more with friends and/or your DH if you have babysitters- remember that you are not just a mum, you are everything you were before that too.

@ineedaholidaynow we don't have any family nearby who can help don't think my dh would want to put her in childcare. I already went back to work (self employed wfh when she was 7 weeks)

When will you be going back to work? You will get a break then.

Can you start leaving her with family one night a week so that you and your husband can have some time together and build up to a weekend away then a few days away then a eventually a week? I have friends who have 3 children and they regularly leave their children with family so that they can have time and holidays together.

As this is important to you, make time for you and your friends also and hobbies. It is better to have a happy mum than no mum at all. Try this first before you consider leaving. There is a compromise to be had but you need to talk to family and your DH.

Is your husband doing 50/50 childcare?

Go and see your GP and discuss how your feeling. You may be referred for counselling or offered ant depressants. You sound so low I think this might be the best option

Other people have suggested that you speak to your HV and/or doctor, and this is a good idea. Do you know what it is about parenting that you don't like? Is it the day to day drudgery of it? Is it the feeling of responsibility? If it's the first, then maybe consider getting some help, such as a nanny, if you can afford it, or use a nursery or childminder to give you some time off. If it's the second, then talking therapies might help, and the GP can refer you.
Also, there are many different ways of parenting, and it might help you to visualise how you would like it to be in your home as your child grows. Some people like the traditional way, but others like the idea of children having a say in how things are done, and have family meetings regularly, etc., You might like to look up Bea Marshall and her "Yes" parenting. Some parents only cope by being a friend rather than a traditional parent.
I have a very close relationship with my second child now, but her early childhood was blighted by my PND, which was only diagnosed when we moved to a new town when she was 18 months old, and the new Health Visitor picked up on it immediately. I didn't know I was depressed, I thought I didn't like my baby much. What I realised when I recovered was that I'd always loved her, and now I'm so grateful for the help I received back then.

You can ask your GP to refer you to IAPT as they should see you quickly. assuming your in the UK. You can call them yourself

www.nhs.uk/mental-health/talking-therapies-medicine-treatments/talking-therapies-and-counselling/nhs-talking-therapies/

I was like this, I definitely wasn’t excited when I was pregnant I also was really 50:50 about having kids but my DH really wanted one (he didn’t make me I actually volunteered it because i’m an idiot) and it was now or never for us (age). I was also considering a divorce and letting my DH be primary carer as I hated it all THAT much.It’s better now she’s 18 months.

For many of us the 1st year is brutal even for people without PND it’s a brutal adjustment. But it does get easier. I wish I had spoken to someone and maybe got some anti-depressants. How I feel about my DD has changed immensely over the last 6 months. I know it feels like its going to be like this forever but it really won’t be.

I still have some pangs for my old life. I also see my PND as an adjustment disorder. Went from having a carefree life with quite a bit of spontaneity to being a slave to a little angry red faced thing. Doing that overnight is a shock and it literally is within a few hours you life changes irreversibly.

Reach out for some help, make sure you get some kind of break from the baby. I’m so sorry you are having such a tough time but it will get better. I do understand, I’m alone with my DD until my DH comes home from work, i have no family and few friends where I live so it’s just been me and her for the majority of 15 months.

Does your husband look after her while you work?

Do you have any time left to yourself in the evening?

Does he do his share? Cooking, cleaning, baby?

OP, I completely and totally understand. Someone (I think my NCT teacher actually) once referred to it as "mourning for the life you had" and I 100% felt that. I was never a baby person, was always quite ambivalent about having children and frankly, when DS came along I was absolutely convinced I'd made the biggest mistake of my life. I definitely had some PND but didn't get any treatment. I remember trying to list the good things about having a baby and the only one was that I had lost weight....

I did however speak to my GP and had the support of family and friends, including DH being the kind of man who absolutely supported me not being with the baby 24/7. I remember in particular him booking me a massage when DS was just 4 weeks old, sending me off and telling me to get myself supper afterwards and just enjoy being away from the baby for more than an hour.

I also got a babysitter who came to be with DS for 3-4 hours every second week so that I could just be ME for a couple of hours.

I truly believe that without these outlets (including DH always being quite happy for me to meet friends for an evening or spend a weekend day shopping or whatever so that I had a break), things could have been really really bad. I like all those things you do when you don't have children, and I'm happy that I've been able to keep doing quite a few of them, albeit it in a slightly different way.

And things have just gotten better. The hard truth is that I felt a huge sense of duty and responsibility to my DC when they were babies, but real genuine love came with time. It came with me getting to know them and their personalities.

You sound lovely OP, these feelings won't last forever. Hormones are brutal, as is stress and tiredness. Can you speak to your GP?

@Greylamp100 I already went back to work when she was 7 weeks old (see post above yours) we don't have any family who can have her.
@pinkyredrose yes I would say so though he works all day.
@mynameisbrian I won't take anti ds under any circumstances... Done loads of counselling before. Never helped

Also not to be harsh on you DH but unless he’s prepared to do the majority of childcare then he really doesn’t get to decide if she goes into childcare or not. As soon as nurseries are open my little one is going a few times a week because my DH knows I’m pretty burned out and if I’m miserable then so is he. Your mental health sounds like it’s taken a beating, this is your life too and your life matters.

@StarsandStones yes he does look after her while I work but he doesn't really have a choice as the kind of work I do means it would be impossible to look after her. I would say dh doesn't do much, if any housework... I don't really mind doing the housework but I get frustrated with him not even putting things away/putting things in bin

@81Byerley I'm not sure probably just the every day drudgery and every day being the same, not helped by not really seeing anyone. Also sick of my dh being at home 24/7 and not having a dedicated work space

you dont think your DH would like putting her in childcare?

Er... fuck that.

If putting her in child care one or two days a week to give you some breathing space to be yourself, do some stuff you want to do, purely for yourself and your own mental health is what you need, then the decision is yours to make.

We're moms, not martyrs.

I have a disabled DC and i treat the time he is in childcare/school/at his dads as my respite time, they're 100% vital to my own mental health and wellbeing.

If anyone one here thinks having kids means you don't get to do anything for yourself for the next 2 decades then they're doing it wrong.. kids are happier and healthier if you are, and part of that is having time to be yourself regularly.

You do what you need to do for yourself. Speak to your GP, get her in childcare, look after YOU.

Well if your never going to take anti depressants or seek out any support via counselling ( they are different) not sure what there is to say.

I dont understand your absolute refusal to try alternative options when your not happy and talking about doing something life changing which is to walk out on your baby and DH. Sounds like the only thing you could do is place your DC in childcare. It isnt your husband decision to make btw..

I don't know whether you're looking for someone to tell you to leave because I don't think anyone will do that.
You said you don't see it getting better - it does get better. It gets better and better and better.
Just because you were unhappy before doesn't mean you don't have ppd now. It's not a "compare and contrast" sort of desperation. I also had a tremendously rocky pregnancy and regrets etc. Ppd peaked for me around 6-7 months. By the time my dd was 8-9 months, I was over the hump.
Love is often built, not self made. I had to build the love I have between me and my daughter. That's ok. It's not like having a baby necessarily equals and instant packet "just pour in hot water" type of love.
By acting like the best mother I could be, eventually I breathed it all into life.
And, one day, your child will go to daycare. You'll get some time alone. One day you'll regularly get uninterrupted nights with DH. The time will fly it's really just round the corner.

I think you are running on empty. How many hours work a week do you do?

Your DH needs to step up more round the house? Do you ever go out anywhere without him or the baby? Have any hobbies, local friends?

@mynameisbrian I've taken anti ds before and was seriously unwell on the them. I'm prepared to do counselling but I'm just saying I've done it millions of times before and it hasn't helped. And I always get fed up with it

@ineedaholidaynow I work about 10-15 hours a week so not loads but I feel exhausted from doing that + all the housework, gardening, meal planning, organising everything etc. Rarely go out on my own, always have baby with me. I have quite a lot of hobbies

I have always thought that we accept animals rejecting their (often first born) offspring. It’s seen all the time. On farms, zoos etc humans step in and take steps to rear the young. Yet for mums it is an unspeakable thought. We cannot reject our baby
What you need is massive help. Someone needs to step in and allow you the space to find yourself again and share the burden of care, and also build your confidence to show you don’t need to let the baby totally consume you.
Your DH does need to step up. Doesn’t matter if he is working, he needs to do a lot of the parenting. Then also look at other options, family? Can you afford a nanny 1 day a week? An au pair? Not necessarily to take over but to work along side you, give you breaks and provide some adult company. Another option to explore is to see if there are any nursery colleges near you- I did this and got a student nanny in 3 short days a week. I didn’t have to pay, just participate in her coursework etc. I had very bad PND first time around and decided to do this when I had my second. It was so much better and I didn’t get PND at all. She was an absolute godsend and I will forever be grateful to her.
The other thing is to look at going back to work as soon as possible and putting baby with nursery/childminder. 6 months maternity leave was all that was allowed a few years ago, so do not feel you have to take the 12 months. It is not helping you and your baby will appreciate a happier mother for the times you are home. Can you go part if you feel full time is not what you want to comitt to yet, especially if you are returning early ? Even if childcare cost consume all your wage it may still be better for you to go back to work for your own mental well-being.
Talk to any friend or family you have, tell them how you are feeling and just ask them to come and sit with you regularly for an afternoon or morning for company and to distract you. Or go for walks with them. Or a cup of tea at a cafe.
It is ok to feel like this. But you do need to shout now for the help you desperately need.

I do think your responses here are a sign of mental health struggles - you can't see wood for the trees and are shooting down or ignoring all suggestions.

Very simply: just because you have a baby does not mean that you have to give up everything else. Nor does it mean you are now magically in charge of all housework. especially if you are also working.

So you need to speak to DH. He needs to step up. Agree what he is going to do to help you and ease your load. This could include taking on specific chores and/or agreeing that you will go out to do a hobby/exercise/meet friends a minimum of 1 or two times a week while he has baby and/or asking HIM to make some effort to get out of the house once a week so you get some time at home alone

If you need childcare and you are the primary caregiver, go ahead and book childcare. DH doesn't get to make the decision if you're the only one impacted by it. Childcare doesn't have to be all day every day. It can be 2 mornings a week.

If your baby is 6 months old it's a perfect time to start getting some of your life back and doing the things you love to do, whatever those may be.