To want to leave my husband and baby

[Sadmum181]

I feel like I can't cope anymore...have a really nice husband and to everyone else the perfect baby. But I'm just so unhappy. I hate being a mum and feel like I can't go on, I miss my old life. I think I should just leave because I'm a shit mum and wife 😢

Ok, sorry posted before saw the update on working...

Do you have spare money to throw at things like gardener, cleaner?

So sorry to hear this op. You can be depressed during pregnancy and there is a name for it. I just felt overwhelmed whilst pregnant with dd2 and my state of mind was flagged up during ante natal appointments. For example when asked if I wanted to hear baby's heart beat, I wasn't bothered. I saw it as delaying having to get back to work because I was under pressure. I was also skipping meals and nurses knew because my wee smelt of pear drops as they put it. I just felt strangely blank.

I felt a distance after I had her and it coincided with difficulties with my pil's who were horrible to me. Then dh went to work away in London for 3 months so I felt very isolated. I did not want to wake up in the morning because it meant another day to get through. Do not be like me. Please see your GP or speak to a health professional. Even a good friend you can really trust.

I can tell you that my dd2 was such a lovely little girl who just wanted to be loved. That did happen op, it just took me time and if I had got help it would have been sooner. I believe the actions of my pil contributed substantially and I now have no contact with them.

[quote Sadmum181]@Branleuse I'm not sure if that really helpful... I love my dh and don't really want to leave him, I'm just really unhappy.[/quote]
what you want cant happen. Someones got to look after the kid.
Whats going on, what is it you actually want to happen here?

You both put the baby up for adoption, forget about her and skip into the sunset together as though she doesnt exist?

Hard to give proper constructive advice, cos a lot of this is going to come from you working on your issues?

Do you feel you were bullied into this?

Not everyone loves parenting. Not everyones a natural.Lots of people feel like theyre cracking up. Lots of people think if they had their time again, they would have made different choices.

At some point you have to take ownership of your life. You could leave I guess. Start a new life with someone else and pretend you dont have a kid. Would you not consider how damaging that will likely be to your daughter as she grows into a woman?

I have 3. Its hard. I have often thought of running away from it all. I wasnt happy about having my 3rd and was angry for a while. After a few years you start to get your life back.

I think you need to speak to your doctor and consider antidepressants and ask to be put on waiting list for therapy. Buy yourself some time.

It is absolutely mental to consider that leaving your child and husband would not be a red line to you, but taking an antidepressant would.

I felt a bit like this, but I felt connected to my baby so a bit different I suppose. Only thing that helped me was going back to work so I could be an adult and a mum.

I think there are other options you can explore, such as childcare and DH taking a more proactive role, other than just leaving. But...I really do dislike the need to pathologise any mother who expresses dislike at being a Mother. You may have PND, equally it may just be that you really don't like being a Mother (something you are not a bad person for feeling), equally you may be depressed because you're a Mother and don't want to be. It's more complex than, oh she's got depression.

[quote Sadmum181]@mynameisbrian I've taken anti ds before and was seriously unwell on the them. I'm prepared to do counselling but I'm just saying I've done it millions of times before and it hasn't helped. And I always get fed up with it[/quote]
If you're getting fed up with it and leaving, then that's part of the problem. If you want it to work, you need to turn up consistently, even when you're feeling like you're fed up. Perhaps especially when you're feeling that.

As a therapist, this "fed-upness" typically happens when my clients are about to have to face what they have been trying to avoid.

I get you with the not wanting anti-depressants. I don't think they help everyone and some people have a bad time with them. Number one you have to feel ok with your choices, it's your life and health and being in control of that matters. It sounds really crap for you right now and I think the pandemic must have made everything so much worse. I'm sorry it's so hard for you.

Please please please reconsider paid childcare. There are some brilliant people out there who would love after your child beautifully (and lots of children thrive in it, my nieces are) and your husband needs to be working on supporting you with that if it would make a difference. Get yourself some space and time and a break, even if you're using that time for self-care instead of work. That's the first step. Have some rest and do some nice things for you and you'll be more able to decide what you need or want then. I don't have children but I see lots of friends who hate bits or all of parenting and you matter as well but I'd like to think there is a balance where if you get more time to yourself you can cope with the bad bits of parenting more easily. That might just be enough to help you but if not, you'll be in a better position to think again about everything.

Can you share what type of counselling you've had and what you feel was making you unhappy before you had your baby? If you have long term depression, there are still options, I promise you - I went through 3 bad therapists before finding the right type and person for me and it's been a totally different experience to all those years where I was just wasting time with people who didn't help me. Are you getting time outdoors walking? Have you read about wild swimming? Lots of people find their mood improves drastically for swimming outdoors in cold water (there are options if you can't access somewhere to swim easily. I turn to cold showers when I can't get out). It might sound a bit bonkers and out there as a suggestion but it can really really help.

[quote Sadmum181]@Greylamp100 I already went back to work when she was 7 weeks old (see post above yours) we don't have any family who can have her.
@pinkyredrose yes I would say so though he works all day.
@mynameisbrian I won't take anti ds under any circumstances... Done loads of counselling before. Never helped[/quote]
My mother had a really lovely GP. Friendly, gentle and kind. When Mum went in and was diagnosed with depression, but then refused the anti depressants offered, the doctor suddenly lost patience, and raised her voice as she said "People like you really make me angry! Every day I have sick people coming in here that I can't help, who would give anything for me to give them pills to help them, but I can't. There isn't anything that will cure them. Then when you come in, and I CAN help, you refuse!" Mum took the pills. They worked.
Why won't you take anti depressants?

you have to find the right antidepressants. They arent a one size fits all.
it took me 4 different types over several years to find one that suited me and that i could tolerate the side effects. First one i tried made me feel worse.

I had been depressed several times before getting PND. Anti-depressants had never helped. I took them in desperation when I had PND so bad that I attempted suicide. They changed my life. I went from suicidal, hating my life and my baby to a strong, confident mum who coped when my DH died suddenly and left me as a solo parent. The change was indescribable and I'm so grateful that I got this second chance.

You need help, OP. If it is PND - which I suspect it is - it is pervasive and powerful and evil. Looking back, I can see it was like being possessed. I was ill in a way I never, ever had been before and hope to never be again. It was hell.

Hi lovely .
I felt like this with my newborn. I cried everyday, I couldn't cope he wouldn't settle he would cry constantly. Now he's 5 months he still has his moments but he's an absolute delight. He sleeps through the night, he laughs and smiles and now I just absolutely adore him. It'll get easier I promise.

I don't tink you have an issue with being a mum.

You have an issue because of the total lack of support, incl from your 'lovely' DH.
You are struggling because you havent had a break from your dc at all.
You are struggling because your life has changed but your dh hasn't.

What is your dh saying when you tell him you are struggling?
What does he say about the fact you do it all still?
what does he say about the act you never have a break from your dd, see other adults and be YOU, as a woman, not mum or a wife?

Yeah I get it OP

Nice DH
Nice house
Great baby
No/low hours job
Everyone kinda assuming you’ve got the perfect life but you’re just exhausted and miserable. I’m in the same boat but also 36+4 with number 2.

I’m exhausted all the time
My hands are cracked and raw from cleaning up everyone’s shit constantly
I’m not even my own priority just constantly doing everything for everyone else
Endless housework
Toddler battles every day
Even straight forward tasks take so long and feel so hard
I don’t enjoy most of what we do but put loads of effort into making it happen

My quality of life is really low since having DS but I love him and DH, they’ve not done anything wrong I just made a decision I didn’t understand and I honestly think this is just what being a mum is. You make your bed you lie in it! I’m not going to leave them because honestly I’m not selfish enough to put my own wants/needs above the tiny person I chose to bring into the world.

So I just get on with it.
I think you’d be shocked how many mums of under 5’s feel this way.

I can't seem to quote the post above - but I don't see how people on the internet can say that the OP needs anti-depressants.

Maybe she just doesn't like being a mother, or maybe she just needs to change her routine and find a way to get more a break now and then from her baby? Or to employ a cleaner?

I found it hard being stuck in with a baby- very hard. I didn't need anti-depressants. I needed an occasional break and to get out and about and meet friends. Luckily I had a supportive partner who did a lot of the housework.

I think the OP should speak to her doctor or Health Visitor about how she is feeling, and also her husband.

You can't diagnose someone over the internet though.

OP, I felt very similar to you after having my baby. I think the reality is that I'm not a natural mother and don't really understand babies. I cried when I found out I was pregnant - tears of terror not joy - and couldn't get back to work fast enough after having him. You're not alone in feeling like this, but very few people are brave enough to say it... it's like it's the ultimate taboo in society.

But like others have said, it gets easier over time. I'm much better with older kids, and teens are frankly awesome .

You definitely need to consider alternative childcare - or could your DH be a SAHD, do your finances allow that? (It's what saved me/my marriage, to be honest).

@GreenTreeLeaves

I think there are other options you can explore, such as childcare and DH taking a more proactive role, other than just leaving. But...I really do dislike the need to pathologise any mother who expresses dislike at being a Mother. You may have PND, equally it may just be that you really don't like being a Mother (something you are not a bad person for feeling), equally you may be depressed because you're a Mother and don't want to be. It's more complex than, oh she's got depression.

I fully agree @GreenTreeLeaves

From the little bit that the OP has said, it feels like she has been railroaded into something she didn't want in the first place AND be left litterally holding the baby whilst the cfather who was so keen on a baby does very little.

@Sadmum181, I'd say the context in which you've had your baby makes it even more necessary to go and see a counsellor/ I aree that the 'fed up-ness' is the time when you just don't want to stiop. I've been really angry at my counsellor before. I just told her and told her why. It helped because it meant I could then go much more deeply at what was going on.

I'll say agin. I would start with you going out on your own abd leavig the baby with her dad. Go out for the day. Be yourself, see friends. And do that regularly.
It's absolutely not on that your DH can refuse to put dc in nursery so you have a break 'because he doesn't think it's suitable' wo a think about you and your MH.

Hi OP
I didn't feel dissimilar to you in some ways, I spent a long time mourning the life I no longer had.
The drudge of childcare, the monotony of playgroups. Having less disposible income. The carefree element, the lack of spontaneity, all of it. I really missed it.
I used to dream of splitting up with my husband purely so we could do 50/50 custody and I'd have time away from the baby.

So I only had one child. It was the best decision I ever made.
I can't speak for people with more children but certainly for me, once they hit 3 years old, it became a lot easier. I see a lot of my friends, go on weekends away with them. I have a lot more leeway from my husband for time off and nights out with friends than I would have if I'd had more than one kid.
Honestly, my experience has been that one (neurotypical) kid is so easy and once a child can speak and they're actually fun to be around, it isn't so bad.
That's my experience of it anyway.

Try and make time for yourself if you can.
Whether it's with your friends or just a walk with music/podcast. Anything to have sometime on your own, away from the baby.
I promise you, it gets better.
Hang in there if you can.

You desperately need a break OP. Could your DH look after baby for one weekend while you just have a break away with family or at a hotel, just to remember who you are - perhaps you could take turns ever so often? x

@Dizzybrunette445

Hi lovely . I felt like this with my newborn. I cried everyday, I couldn't cope he wouldn't settle he would cry constantly. Now he's 5 months he still has his moments but he's an absolute delight. He sleeps through the night, he laughs and smiles and now I just absolutely adore him. It'll get easier I promise.

We're going through that phase as we speak.. it's so incredibly difficult. I'm sure criminals are treated better than this. Our son is 6weeks and is a right pain in the bum. No matter what he just whines and cries

@Sadmum181

6 months. But I don't think it's pnd because I wasn't happy about being pregnant, like I wasn't one of those women who desperately wanted a baby and was Al excited and then got depressed. I was really unhappy already

I was the same, of course it wasn’t PND. It was a genuine fear that I had ruined my life and was now responsible for a smaller son that I didn’t feel a lot for other than duty. I wanted my old life back. I was not sure about starting a family, it wasn’t something I ever really wanted to do. I was worried I was making a mistake when I was pg and then when I had my baby it turned out I was right and it was a mistake. But that wasn’t my baby’s fault so I would do my “duty” and just pretend to love her.

It WAS actually Pre and post natal depression but it took me a year or so to see it. What you are feeling is normal and you can get help. Don’t feel guilty, just fake it for a bit and one day you might find it’s genuine

God you're exhausted woman!! We've all been stuck in a rut with covid etc and you need some space and some outside life. We all do so don't take this last year as a real take on what motherhood is like. You've had to do it in very 'special circumstances'. It shouldn't be like that at all.

Take that baby off to day care and put him or her in 3 days a week and have a break from it all.

You'll suddenly feel so much better.

I mean that's if you can afford to. I did this when my DC2 was 16 months and it changed my life from horror to much more manageable and I felt more sane after a few weeks.

I don't think you're depressed at all you're just incredibly BORED and EXHAUSTED yes having a baby is extremely boring and tiring, no one ever tells you but the first 3 years are so boring and relentless. It gets better once they start talking. But get some regular breaks in.

Forget about what DH thinks, maybe start with one day, even two days, explain you're on a knife edge and thinking of walking away from the whole thing.

If he realises how bad things are for you, he'll know that baby in daycare one or two days a week is nothing compared to losing you completely.

It is okay not be be okay. Never ever be embarrassed about reaching out and well done for posting.

I've suffered with my Mental Health over the years, hell I don't know anyone that hasn't tbh, and it is definitely a rollercoaster - some days I feel genuinely light and happy and carefree, other days I don't want to get out of bed and I want everything and everyone to go away (but I can't stay in bed, because I have to get up and parent)

So..firstly...SELF CARE.
What do you do for you??

This has been the shittiest year for many people. Be kind to yourself, you have made it this far and it will get better from now onwards, people can start to mix socially again and the isolation will ease, I promise.

Does your DH know how youre feeling? If not, it's worth having a good chat with him. Is he generally supportive?

Do you have friends or nearby support? It really does take a village to raise a child; we are not designed to do this alone. I found parenting young children the most relentless, isolating time of my life..They made me who I am today, but I honestly was not prepared for how lonely and challening it was some days - make sure you keep reaching out on forums such as this, it can help you feel less alone.

Anti-D's wise, I spent years on them and they absolutely have their place. I reached a point where I didn't want to be on them anymore and I took a more holistic approach to my mental health, but you can't do nothing. Clearly you recognise that you aren't feeling well, so you need to do something...maybe counselling? A weekly massage/facial? Coffee with a friend etc?

It will pass, I promise.

Can your dh do more to help?
I'd be looking at rehoming pets, they can need as much care as a baby themselves.
Please don't leave, my dsis did as she couldn't cope.
She saw her daughter again when she was 11 years old, daughter majorly screwed up. Well, you are if a parent leaves.
People will tell you that you'll have responsibilities if you leave, this isn't true, you could just fade into the darkness.
Your ex dh would never forgive you, either.

Please speak to your hv or gp, there's help, I'm so sorry you are going through this.