To want to leave my husband and baby

[Sadmum181]

I feel like I can't cope anymore...have a really nice husband and to everyone else the perfect baby. But I'm just so unhappy. I hate being a mum and feel like I can't go on, I miss my old life. I think I should just leave because I'm a shit mum and wife 😢

Also counselling is crap for these sorts of situations. You can't look back because you've got a baby now.

Try and find a motherhood coach who can help you rediscover your joy and give you the support and back up you need to make the changes. Coaching is great for making changes and discovering new routines and helping you feel more empowered and happy within yourself.

Counselling doesn't work I agree. You could try looking for a co-active coach also. They're very good. Will get to the bottom of what's going on and give you a plan to take steps to get you some change in your life and feel happier again, more like the old you, parts of the old you can resurface and help you cope with the monotony of early years.

[quote Sadmum181]@81Byerley I'm not sure probably just the every day drudgery and every day being the same, not helped by not really seeing anyone. Also sick of my dh being at home 24/7 and not having a dedicated work space[/quote]
I suggest, if you can afford it, employ someone two or three hours a week to clean and iron (though there are ironing shops); that would take some pressure off you.

As lockdown eases you will be able to go out more when not working which will be particularly nice when weather is better. You & husband could go away for a weekend somewhere, not too far. A change is as good as a rest.

In time, I think nursery for your baby a few hours a week would be good for you and her.

You are chronically unhappy but, honestly, this will not last forever. At the moment you feel trapped by nappies and drudgery but time passes quickly.

I was relieved to read you wouldn't take antidepressants. They often make things worse!

You are still you underneath this big cloud, you know. Take care of that 'you'.

My dh isn't speaking to me now. Feel like he always undermines me with baby. I left her for 5 mins this morning to get my breakfast and she started crying so he charges upstairs to get her... She would have been fine.
I guess it's all just too much what with the year we've had with covid too. I also have a chronic illness to cope with which is hard and no parental help. It's all got a bit much. None of my friends have babies and I feel really isolated

What this poster said ! I agree. I have kids, they're all grown now but if I'm honest I regret giving up so much for them. Don't be a martyr. Motherhood is hard. Do what you need to and look after yourself. That way you can be a happier and better adjusted mum. And that's better for your baby too. You can't change the fact you have a baby but you can change your attitude to it. That doesn't mean you can't be a loving parent, it just means it's on your terms.

Sorry not RTFT just your posts.
You sound like you have so much going on. Do you feel like you love your dd?
Even if not PND I definitely recommend trying counselling again. You have had this huge life change that you are struggling to adapt to which is completely normal.
Also try and look for mum/baby groups in your area as a lot are starting face to face again.
It’s such a taboo to say you are not enjoying motherhood so well done for speaking out! You won’t be the only one. Does your dp know how you feel? Or had he picked up on anything?

You need to speak to your DH properly about how you are feeling, and find a way together to make it work. It sounds to me like you need to build in you-time somehow, where the baby is cared for by someone else and you can just be you for a bit.
I am also sure it will all improve as lockdown ends, and DH is out at work, you can get out to places more easily etc.
I guess I was the opposite to you - baby mad, and couldn't wait to have mine, and filled with delight at caring for them in the early weeks - but I still found that I needed space from them. When asked by DH what I wanted for Mothers Day, I said "I want to be left alone for the day". Fast forward to now, when my two are 11 and 12 years old, and the lockdown was unbearable at times. One lunchtime, I totally lost the plot and left the children with DH, and just drove for two hours, then sat in a layby crying. I can't even remember what triggered it, but my point is that we all need space, even from those we love, and we all reach a breaking point.
I think how you're feeling is normal, and understandable. I also think it won't last. You don't need to make a permanent decision that will negatively impact your family - you can make small changes that will help you to cope until the sun comes out again.

I agree with what Witches and Forever said above.

Op honestly, every new mum has this. I often thought about suicide around the 6 month mark, I thought I was a shit mum, a shit partner and that the family would be much better off not having me around. I thought death would be a good option as they would get a pay out from the life insurance and all I was really good for was giving them that. Honestly nothing can replace you in the eyes of your little baby.

PND is fucking awful, you think wild and stupid things but please please speak to your midwife. I muddled through it without speaking to anyone and am thankfully out the other side but it was a rough few months and could have been handled much better if I had been brave enough to speak out to a professional. x

@Sadmum181

My dh isn't speaking to me now. Feel like he always undermines me with baby. I left her for 5 mins this morning to get my breakfast and she started crying so he charges upstairs to get her... She would have been fine. I guess it's all just too much what with the year we've had with covid too. I also have a chronic illness to cope with which is hard and no parental help. It's all got a bit much. None of my friends have babies and I feel really isolated

DH and I did better when we weren't both at home with DS at the same time. obviously, if we'd had him during lockdown that would have been a problem.

Things are easing up now. You must get out more. See what soft play and baby groups are happening - it will help to at least be around other parents. But keep expectations realistic, you might not make your best friend. It's about having other people around.

And definitely get your own stuff happening and leave baby with DH at times.

Speak to your doctor. Put the baby into a nursery for a bit of time. Is you husband working?

I think you're boxing yourself into a corner mentally with the way you're looking at this. And I recognise that that's just a symptom of where you are psychologically. It sounds as though you're feeling trapped and you're reinforcing for yourself that you have no options, there are no exits apart from blowing your whole life wide open.
I think that's really unfortunate, because while your current situation may feel like 'forever' for now - life will change a lot with your child and your husband in the coming months and years.

Motherhood is quite thankless in the early months.

OP, first thing to realise is nothing is constant and the good thing is that you love your husband.

Would you actually feel better if you left him and your baby? I think medication and counselling are your best bet to get you across this hurdle.
Personally, I always found the 1st 18 months of parenting a struggle as they are always up in arms and need constant attention plus they are levelling up all the time, but then they become more independent and want to do their own thing and its such a lovely time watching them grow while you can get on with things and have a bit more freedom. And I say this as someone who is about to have another as in the long run it does become a distant memory and you know you have the resources to cope, all mothers do, its in our DNA

@Sadmum181

My dh isn't speaking to me now. Feel like he always undermines me with baby. I left her for 5 mins this morning to get my breakfast and she started crying so he charges upstairs to get her... She would have been fine. I guess it's all just too much what with the year we've had with covid too. I also have a chronic illness to cope with which is hard and no parental help. It's all got a bit much. None of my friends have babies and I feel really isolated

He may not be trying to undermine you at all. Hearing your baby cry is scientifically proven to have an effect on the brain of the parent. He could well just be acting on instinct. Please communicate your feelings with your gp and DH. Good luck

@Sadmum181

My dh isn't speaking to me now. Feel like he always undermines me with baby. I left her for 5 mins this morning to get my breakfast and she started crying so he charges upstairs to get her... She would have been fine. I guess it's all just too much what with the year we've had with covid too. I also have a chronic illness to cope with which is hard and no parental help. It's all got a bit much. None of my friends have babies and I feel really isolated

If he knows that you haven't bonded with the baby he may just be feeling extra protective over them. Personally, I never left my babies to cry so if my baby cried I would have gone to get them, I don't think you can slate your husband for that.

I have two, youngest is 3 months old and I definitely started to go to a dark place mentally in the first 2 months. I think a combination of hormones, bad sleep and a potty training toddler nearly sent me over the edge but for me it got better and I don't feel like that anymore. I did talk to friends and family about it though. Make sure your talk and if it doesn't get better talk to your midwife/health visitor. There is support out there. Good luck

Have you tried every single antidepressant for 6-8 weeks each? There will be one to help you, but you can't be helped if you won't let yourself be.

Your husband isn't undermining you by looking after his own child, it isn't like you told her not to do something and he then let her, she just cried and he responded. However he sounds like a lazy git if he isn't even putting stuff in the bin!

Sorry this went to a vote, which is probably really unhelpful to your frame of mind. However bad you feel is nothing to feel ashamed of, but a sign you could use some help. Go to your GP as soon as you can, or talk to your health visitor. They will be very used to working with people who feel like you do. It will pass. But dont suffer it by yourself.

The fact that you've voiced your concerns means that you aren't shit. We all question ourselves and even though my DD was much wanted, I was not a happy mum for about 18 months after she was born.
I mourned my old life. I am sure I had PND for up to 2 years but grinned though it, though in hindsight, not the best advice to give anyone.
Children are hard work, no one tells you the truth. I got through with the "It's just a phase" mantra.

Try to carve some time for you.I had to pay for yoga classes to make me give myself the space for an hour a week. Even writing that sounds bonkers but I had to pauh myself.
You are not alone in your feelings, they are valid and sometimes it sucks.
But, you can't look after everyone else if you don't look after yourself first.

How do you feel when you're holding your baby? Do you love her?

Hello @Sadmum181 we're really sorry that you're finding things such a struggle. You really don't sound anything remotely like a shit mum, just someone who is isolated and could do with some more real-life support. Please consider contacting your GP or health visitor - you won't be the first woman who has found herself in this situation and there are people to help you.

We know you don't think that this is the issue but it might be useful to take a look at our information about postnatal depression, here. We also wanted to share Mind’s information with you – it has practical tips on what you can do when you feel like this and where to get urgent help. Maybe take a look and see if there’s anything which might be helpful right now.
Please do think about exploring some of the options in the links above. Samaritans are there for you too, 24/7, by emailing [email protected] or calling 116 123. You can also see the resources in our Mental Health webguide

Very best wishes from MNHQ.

He does undermine me because every single time she cries and I’m with her he takes over and doesn’t even give me a chance. It’s been like that since day 1.

@InkieNecro no I have tried 2 and I’m not willing to try again. And I think that’s my choice. I literally couldn’t even bring myself to try them again even if I wanted to because I’m too afraid of what they did to me last time so not going to happen

Will your DH always be WFH?

@ineedaholidaynow I suspect at some point he will go back into the office but probably never full time again. Things have changed forever with covid

@8monthsinandcranky

Yeah I get it OP

Nice DH
Nice house
Great baby
No/low hours job
Everyone kinda assuming you’ve got the perfect life but you’re just exhausted and miserable. I’m in the same boat but also 36+4 with number 2.

I’m exhausted all the time
My hands are cracked and raw from cleaning up everyone’s shit constantly
I’m not even my own priority just constantly doing everything for everyone else
Endless housework
Toddler battles every day
Even straight forward tasks take so long and feel so hard
I don’t enjoy most of what we do but put loads of effort into making it happen

My quality of life is really low since having DS but I love him and DH, they’ve not done anything wrong I just made a decision I didn’t understand and I honestly think this is just what being a mum is. You make your bed you lie in it! I’m not going to leave them because honestly I’m not selfish enough to put my own wants/needs above the tiny person I chose to bring into the world.

So I just get on with it.
I think you’d be shocked how many mums of under 5’s feel this way.

I really dont want to seem rude..but if you feel that way why are you having another child?I also feel like this and that's why I'm never getting pregnant again. I'm just curious

Didn't mean to put the shocked emojis in that comment , no idea what they are doing there