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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if there's something you don't want your kid to eat you say when asked not bitch about it later.

356 replies

BeansOnToast56 · 23/05/2021 19:34

So today I looked after my brothers girlfriends daughter for the day as she was working and her child care fell through. She is a relatively new girlfriend of about 9 months but due to covid I haven't really spent much time with her or her daughter but my brother is happy so that's ok with me. My dd is a year younger so it was no skin off my nose to have her here for the day, the girls played nicely and entertained each other. I asked her mum when she dropped her off if she had any allergies, things she didn't want her to have or things she didn't like, mum said she ate most things. She had lunch and dinner here so mum really should of said if there was things her daughter wasn't allowed to eat. The girls had bagels cream cheese, grapes, carrot sticks for lunch, crisps in the afternoon and chorizo pasta bake for dinner with peas and garlic bread with chocolate ice cream for pudding. Well my brother has rang kicking for because the child is vegetarian and her mum is very upset I didn't respect that, how the bloody hell am I suppose to know this? I asked mum and she didn't say her reply was she eats most things, no mention of her being a vegetarian at all. AIBU on to think this is mums fault and if she didn't say how was I suppose to know, her dd is 7 if that makes any difference and she didn't tell me herself.

OP posts:
Maggiesfarm · 23/05/2021 22:24

You've done nothing wrong, on the contrary you did everything right! The child's mother should have told you and didn"t. Hardly your fault. It sounds as though she ate well.

Seven is a bit young to espouse vegetarianism, unless you are a Hindu or something.

(Please don't start threads with 'So', which means 'therefore'; you continued, "...should of said if there was things; the 'of' was repeated. You don't have to be highly educated to know that is wrong.)

KaleSlayer · 23/05/2021 22:27

(Please don't start threads with 'So', which means 'therefore'; you continued, "...should of said if there was things; the 'of' was repeated. You don't have to be highly educated to know that is wrong.)

😬🤪

expat101 · 23/05/2021 22:33

@Thelnebriati

YANBU, I'd ask her to be upfront in future not passive aggressive, and to talk to you herself not get your brother to run messages for her.
Totally agree, why get your brother to call you when she is quite capable Of doing the same. I think she knew you would mention that you hadn’t been told, so it was more dramatic to moan to your brother instead.

For the life of me as well I don’t understand why she didn’t bring along bits and pieces for both girls to enjoy on the day. If the daughter had been sent to day care or whatever, she would be expected to have her own lunch and snacks.

I would be cautious in future with this woman. It’s an odd way to start a good relationship with a partner’s sister when you (she) has little contact with you so far...

StopSayingDueDiligence · 23/05/2021 22:34

Hang on, I'm going against the grain here....

If she is saying you didn't respect her wishes, then she believes she DID tell you that she doesn't eat meat and perhaps you just didn't hear her.

Otherwise why would she say that?

pallisers · 23/05/2021 22:36

(Please don't start threads with 'So', which means 'therefore'; you continued, "...should of said if there was things; the 'of' was repeated. You don't have to be highly educated to know that is wrong.)

What a pity the late Seamus Heaney, winner of the Nobel prize for literature, didn't have the benefit of your advice. He started his translation of Beowolf with "So"

leftistbimbo · 23/05/2021 22:37

Everyday I come on MN and can’t believe people like this actually exist..

You sound really accommodating OP, you even checked when she got dropped off ffs!! I honestly can’t imagine getting my new boyfriend’s sister to do me a massive favour like that and being anything other than gracious as fuck. That’s one way to get on the bad side of possible ILs....

SoupDragon · 23/05/2021 22:41

You don't have to be highly educated to know that is wrong

You don't have to be highly educated to know that is rude.

JeanneDoe · 23/05/2021 22:43

That's misdirected anger if ever I saw it.

Don't lose any sleep over it, op.

cabingirl · 23/05/2021 22:43

@StopSayingDueDiligence

Hang on, I'm going against the grain here....

If she is saying you didn't respect her wishes, then she believes she DID tell you that she doesn't eat meat and perhaps you just didn't hear her.

Otherwise why would she say that?

Exactly - that was the point I was trying to make - I suspect that she had either told your brother to make sure you knew or assumed he'd told you already.

That's why I'm suggesting you text her directly - you can express empathy about the situation and at the same time make sure she understands that you had no idea her DD was a vegetarian.

The thing is there are some people who really believe that children should not have a vegetarian diet and will wilfully feed those children meat without their parents' permission. She may have encountered this before and is being super sensitive.

ResIpsaLoquiturInterAlia · 23/05/2021 22:47

In this scenario the child’s mother is at fault especially as you proactively asked her in advance. Arguably a seven year old may be mature enough to had said something but as she did not and importantly enjoyed non vegetarian food, may suggest she is in fact more flexible when faced with foods including meat. I would imagine a true vegetarian may not have happily eaten meat or at least question something different even at seven. In any case it is also arguably astonishing why a child is necessarily vegetarian if no allergies as who decided initially? Can a child be born to be selective or dismiss certain food groups? Surely one should be open to trying all foods and then delete those with allergies and at a later stage when independent decide what you consume unless it is one of those strict religious requirements with no choice. If the latter then again the mother has omitted to appropriately confirm when asked.

Hawkins001 · 23/05/2021 22:52

Sounds like a food contract would be useful to prevent any .miscommunication

KaleSlayer · 23/05/2021 22:53

Exactly - that was the point I was trying to make - I suspect that she had either told your brother to make sure you knew or assumed he'd told you already.

I agree, it only makes sense if she thinks you already know OP.

But what doesn’t make sense is that even if she did think OP knew, when asked directly about allergies/things she dislikes, i would still have said ‘no allergies, but you know she’s vegetarian so no obviously no meat, thanks so much for looking after her.’

BillyTodd · 23/05/2021 22:56

@Hawkins001

Sounds like a food contract would be useful to prevent any .miscommunication
A food contract?!
BillyTodd · 23/05/2021 22:59

@Maggiesfarm

You've done nothing wrong, on the contrary you did everything right! The child's mother should have told you and didn"t. Hardly your fault. It sounds as though she ate well.

Seven is a bit young to espouse vegetarianism, unless you are a Hindu or something.

(Please don't start threads with 'So', which means 'therefore'; you continued, "...should of said if there was things; the 'of' was repeated. You don't have to be highly educated to know that is wrong.)

Are you lost? Pedants corner is just down the hall on the left.
Cherrysoup · 23/05/2021 23:01

She’s batshit. You’re not psychic!

UnlimitedChipsAndSalsa · 23/05/2021 23:06

Ironically, you should have given her beans on toast. Smile She knows you're kind enough to do her a huge favour to cover her childcare at short notice. Given that, even if she thought you knew the child was a vegetarian, it's quite unfair that she would assume you fed her meat maliciously rather than due to a misunderstanding. The family may be vegetarian, but there's still a cow in the house.

Jocasta2018 · 23/05/2021 23:14

I guess the important thing is the child really enjoyed the food - two portions!
I wonder how she reacts to her mother's cooking...

Ofthe · 23/05/2021 23:16

Blimey, serious CF from the GF there. You were kind enough to look after her DD and she moaned about the home-cooked food she was given, having omitted to mention her dietary needs?! Nuts.

elephantoverthehill · 23/05/2021 23:18

All fed, no one dead.

theleafandnotthetree · 23/05/2021 23:19

@Elieza

I was about to say what Petunia said, that the mother probably thought the boyfriend had told you about them being veggie.

The boyfriend has either made a mistake and thinks he told you when he didn’t, or is trying to hide the fact that he didn’t tell you so she doesn’t shout at him. Seems like he’s a bit of an arse tbh as either way I reckon he’s the main problem here.

The mother presumed you knew they were veggie. That’s why she kicked off. She must have thought you deliberately fed her child meat. You can understand her reaction if those were indeed the circumstances.

Administer a swift boot up your brothers behind as he’s a numpty.

Actually no, I don't think I would understand her 'kicking off' even in those circumstances. Privately be a bit annoyed, maybe politely say she's vegetarian, not use the OP for childcare again but without making a big deal of it. But kicking off? At a virtual stranger doing a very kind deed for me? No way.
AMillionMilesAway · 23/05/2021 23:22

YADNBU!
I was raised vegetarian and wouldn't have said anything at 7 either. I was too shy and I didn't fully understand what it involved anyway!

KaleSlayer · 23/05/2021 23:22

On reflection, I probably would contact this woman. She may end up as your SIL so I’d want to sort it out. She absolutely should have told you regardless of whether she presumed you already knew through your brother. I’d tell her that. Obviously if she has a go at you then don’t bother further, but I’d try to smooth things over and be the ‘bigger person’ here. Hopefully she’ll be polite, agree she should have told you and you can move on. It’s up to you though.

theleafandnotthetree · 23/05/2021 23:24

If it were my brother, I think I'd be keeping an eye for further signs of drama-llama behaviour or attempts to cause trouble between you and he. She is certainly not worrying too much about making a good early impression with her boyfriends family is she, that would and should give him pause

AMillionMilesAway · 23/05/2021 23:24

(Please don't start threads with 'So', which means 'therefore'; you continued, "...should of said if there was things; the 'of' was repeated. You don't have to be highly educated to know that is wrong.)

Well done, you win the grammar prize.
Honestly what do people get out of posts like this?

amusedbush · 23/05/2021 23:31

@pallisers

(Please don't start threads with 'So', which means 'therefore'; you continued, "...should of said if there was things; the 'of' was repeated. You don't have to be highly educated to know that is wrong.)

What a pity the late Seamus Heaney, winner of the Nobel prize for literature, didn't have the benefit of your advice. He started his translation of Beowolf with "So"

Arf Grin
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