‘Can you even fit in that chair?’ - am I just being sensitive?

[Okimbig]

I’m big. I know I am, I’ve gained weight rapidly since having my baby, who is now one. I have postnatal depression and I guess food has been my comfort. I hate my body and I’m uncomfortable, I’m naturally around a size 10. This body doesn’t feel right and I am trying to do something about it right now.

My issue is that my mum keeps making comments. She calls me obese, tells me to get my fat arse out of the way, and when I told her that made me upset she came right up in my face and said ‘I’ll say what I want in my house, move your fat f*cking arse.’

Yesterday, I went over to see her no office and my family were there (office built in the garden). I sat down in an office chair and she told me ‘there’s a weight limit on those, you know. Can you even fit in it?’, despite the chair being fine.

She tells me she would be miserable in my size and that skinny = happy.

I’m a size 18, so I know I am big, but I’m so upset with the comments. Am I just being sensitive?

Ehhh wow. That's a disgusting way your mum is talking to you. I am naturally a size 10 also and have put on a lot of weight the past few years - I am now a size 16/18 and 5ft 4 so short - and my mum would absolutely never say those things to me ever and she is a dietician. My mum only ever mentions my weight when I bring it up and even then she only says supportive things like, 'you will get there', 'be kind to yourself', 'your weight doesn't define you' etc. And she still tells me I look nice when I get my hair done, or am dressed up etc. She only wants me to be healthy and happy and so she encourages me to eat healthily but only when I ask for her opinion or am moaning about how shit I feel she will gently suggest tips.

If my mum or anyone spoke to me like that I would cut them off completely. You're much less likely to lose weight when someone is being so nasty and making you feel worthless. It's really not okay, even if you were bed bound because of your weight, no one should even speak to you like that. Another concern is that you may start to internalise those comments leading to more self esteem issues. I would stay away from your mum as much as possible to be honest. Good luck OP, I'm in the same boat and it's not easy or a nice feeling but we have to be kind to ourselves always. As I've said, we are not defined by our weight.

@Toilenstripes

“Yeah, but I can lose the weight. You’ll still be an old woman.”

👏

Your mother is toxic, her behaviour is all the more disgusting given your history of an eating disorder. Do not feel guilty about protecting your son from such unpleasant behaviour.

Cut contact, not in anger but with the certainty you deserve to be treated with respect and you are not obliged to tolerate anything less.

@Okimbig

No, I don’t live with her. I can reduce contact, it would just be hard because I would feel guilty about her not seeing my son.

It’s not good for your son to hear people speaking to his Mum like that.

I’m so sorry about your PND. I have just been through similar and used food as a crutch and put on quite a bit of weight, I’m now a size 18-20. It’s a known symptom of PND.

Any decent mother would support you, particularly given your history of EDs. She doesn’t deserve you or your precious son. You don’t owe her a relationship just because she gave birth to you. When you have seen her do you feel worse or better afterwards? That’s all you need to think about. If you feel worse, cut her out. I can’t imagine seeing her has helped your PND at all.

Why in earth are people so desperate to expose their children to such toxicity?

OP - your mother is vile and nasty and you will be happier staying well away.

No drama. Just stop. Stop replying, stop going round there, just stop.

@Okimbig

No I would never ever call anyone fat or obese or make any comments on weight. I was hospitalised due to an eating disorder when I was a teenager, so I would never want to make anyone feel how I did.

My dad just looked uncomfortable and didn’t say anything.

I will cut contact.

Jesus Christ OP - you have a history of eating disorders and she is still taking to you like this??

That is vile.

Your children do not need this woman in their lives.

OP I am so sorry you were spoken to like that.I am sorry to say it but your mother is lower than a slugs belly, I hope you can find away to step back from this horrendous abuse, I am so upset for you,How dare she?.

You can be big and beautiful. I hope you can learn to love yourself and feel comfortable.
This will come much easier if you're cut contract. Your mum is toxic and your DS will be better off without her.

how sad that you had an eating disorder and shes talking to you like this all these years later

how was she when you were younger

and tbh your dad is no better for not sticking up for you

@Okimbig

No, I don’t live with her. I can reduce contact, it would just be hard because I would feel guilty about her not seeing my son.

Go no contact - if she has no respect for you, she doesn't get any contact with her grandson. Do you really want him to grow up witnessing (or modelling) someone speak to you so rudely? She sounds toxic - the less he sees of her the better.

I would have permanently vacated the house of anyone who told me to move my f* fat arse. Your son doesn’t need to be around this toxic behaviour, he could fall short of her physical ideals himself one day and receive the same.

She's a nasty bitch. Tell her to fuck off. I can't even believe what I've just read. YANBU.

Your mum sounds a bit like my sister OP. She called me fat when I was a size 14. She ordered BIL to lose weight as “no way” was she “having a fat husband”, she has instilled in my niece that “nothing taste as good as skinny feels” (DN was a size 12, she’s starved herself to a size 8 and can spend an hour walking around the kitchen island to get her steps in 😢). My sister would say your mum is just dishing out tough love (narcs would stick together though). It isn’t love, it’s abuse.

I’m currently LC with my sister, for other horrible behaviour and I understand how difficult it can be to cut the ties and look out for yourself, but you can do it OP. Look after yourself and DS, focus on getting better in terms of your MH, the rest will follow 💐

How awful for you. I expect you feel terrible. This is a lesson on how not to treat anyone, let alone your daughter.
It is not acceptable. Have firm boundaries in place and walk away and go home if she speaks to you like this again, until she learns to speak words of kindness.

I'm pleased you're cutting contact with her. She's a disgrace.
You lose weight for yourself, if you want to, not for anybody else.

There is no excuse for speaking to anyone like that, let alone your own child. I can't imagine how hurtful that must be.

Sorry,@dottiedaisee I got your post wrong.

That is spiteful and bullying behaviour from your mother. I'm glad you have decided to cut contact.

Your son will be far better off not having her shitty behaviour as a role model. Not only could she turn it on him, but you really don't want to risk him starting to believe that this sort of thing is in any way acceptable or normal.

Don’t feel guilty for cutting contact with your nasty toxic Mum, you and your Son deserve better, speaking to you in this manner is bullying and not at all what a Mother/Granny should be doing.

I would cut contact with her and it would be her loss, you don’t need this negativity/spitefullness in your life.

I would agree with reducing contact . Why would you want your son to listen to such a rude person .

I have been everything from a size 8 to an 18 and I am still the same person inside .

She is not helping you she is probably making you worse as such outright rudeness will just make you worse .

If she asks why , just tell her you don’t need to be round rude ignorant nasty people . Life is too short .

Oh and btw

My sister is as skinny as a rake and has been weight obsessed in the past . Guess what she can’t get a decent man for love nor money and has had more illnesses than me .

OP, your mother is vile. Cut contact and be happy. She doesn’t deserve to have you or your DC in her life.

What an absolute bitch your mother is. She doesn’t deserve to have you or your baby in her life. What kind of mother says that to her daughter. Shame on her. I wouldn’t blame you for preserving your sanity and going no contact with her. She is abusive and cruel.

Oh gosh I am so sad for you. That's absolutely horrific. I agree, try and reduce contact with her as you've already told her how it made you feel and that didn't seem to bother her.
I would also worry about her saying these things around your son as he is gaining more awareness.
What you look like in no way affects your personality. You could lose weight but your mum will always be horrible