‘Can you even fit in that chair?’ - am I just being sensitive?

[Okimbig]

I’m big. I know I am, I’ve gained weight rapidly since having my baby, who is now one. I have postnatal depression and I guess food has been my comfort. I hate my body and I’m uncomfortable, I’m naturally around a size 10. This body doesn’t feel right and I am trying to do something about it right now.

My issue is that my mum keeps making comments. She calls me obese, tells me to get my fat arse out of the way, and when I told her that made me upset she came right up in my face and said ‘I’ll say what I want in my house, move your fat f*cking arse.’

Yesterday, I went over to see her no office and my family were there (office built in the garden). I sat down in an office chair and she told me ‘there’s a weight limit on those, you know. Can you even fit in it?’, despite the chair being fine.

She tells me she would be miserable in my size and that skinny = happy.

I’m a size 18, so I know I am big, but I’m so upset with the comments. Am I just being sensitive?

She doesn't feel guilty calling you fat, so you don't need to feel the same about her and contact. You and your son can quite happily remove her from your lives and you will feel better for it.

I would feel guilty about her not seeing my son.

OP please don't allow her to make you feel guilty. Your job as a parent is to protect your child from toxic bitches like your mother, not put them anywhere near her evil clutches.

I would never normally say this , but you really do need to reduce contact, or cut it for now.

This is completely toxic, especially considering you have had a serious eating disorder. She is dangerous to you and your mental health, and will be doing your son no favours.

Please think of yourself here and reduce contact until she realises just how seriously badly she is treating you.

YANBU OP my mum was just the same. It's horrible. No mention of my achievements, (passing exams, passing training courses, doing a good job of something, getting promoted etc etc) just a "how much do you weigh now" every time she saw me.

Reduce contact.

When I did lose weight and manage to achieve the correct BMI, my mum started making bitchy comments about my hair :(

My advise is to reduce contact and also, and I mean this nicely, seriously consider weight loss surgery. It will really really boost your self esteem so that you won't put up with that sort of shit anymore.

Meanwhile, record your mums nasty comments and post them on facebook for her friends and family to see. She'll soon stop.

Certainly you should tell her tha'ts unacceptable, but she won't really take it on board, as there are clearly a lot of things going on. She is feeling terrified of her own identity changing - her own body has changed, she is older, her daugher is a mother so she is moving beyond "young middle age". There is also something to unpick about the fact that you had an eating disorder while still living at home, as means it is possible (not that it's hte only factor by far, and not always the case) that she herself has an unhealthy relationship with food.
Just a lot going on in terms of family dynamics.

Tell her that whatever she intends by her comments, they are hurtful and unhelpful, and that you will be taking some time away from visitng her house as you don't want to add to her worry about her delicate furniture.

If someone spoke to me the way your Mum has spoken to you I would struggle not to punch her straight in her abusive gob and I am NEVER violent. I would seriously consider no contact immediately.

I am not remotely surprised to learn you have had an eating disorder, if your mother is as critical and emotionally abusive as she sounds. There is a lot of literature linking eating disorders to domineering and critical mothers.

She calls me obese, tells me to get my fat arse out of the way, and when I told her that made me upset she came right up in my face and said ‘I’ll say what I want in my house, move your fat fcking arse.’*

I'd tell her that that was the last time I'd be visiting and I'd get up and leave

She’s horrible, and you don’t need to be around that, and neither does your son. Fuck guilt, you and your son are more important, and what you need is not to be stressed, upset, demoralised, and sad through the words and actions of your nasty mother.
This is not good for you, stay away from her, if you don’t feel up to conflict.

In your place I would stop contacting her and wait until she asks you why. Then tell her. You shouldn't have to put up with that.

Gosh. Your mum sounds awful. I wouldn't willingly interact with anyone who spoke to me so rudely.

Nobody could possibly say yabu OP what an awful thing for your mum to say

She's nasty and I feel sorry for you for what it must have been like growing up with someone who thinks it's OK to be like that

She doesnt deserve to be around your son.

How dare she get up in your face and speak to you like that!NEVER feel guilty for walking away from this type of abuse. She is an appalling, vile excuse for a human being. And you deserve so much better.

She sounds vile, even more so when you've previously struggled with an eating disorder. She doesn't deserve your time. IME people who can be that awful to their kids don't treat grandkids any better, so don't feel guilty about keeping her away from your son. You both deserve better.

You’re right mum, you can say what you like in your house, but I don’t have to stay to listen to it and neither does my DS. You know where I am when you’re ready to apologise and act more respectfully.

She’s belittling you to make herself feel important.

In short, she’s a cunt.

Do you really want your son learning his social norms from someone like that? I wouldn't want him seeing her in case he grows up thinking that level of spite and nastiness is normal.

Why should you feel guilty about her not seeing your son? She’s not nice to you, what makes you think she’ll be kind to him in the future? Neither of you need contact with her, I think you need to consider why you have had a history of disordered eating, it does sound like her spiteful attitude is connected. If this is affecting you significantly when you’re not around her, it might be time to consider a good therapist to unpack your feelings regarding your body and your relationship with you family.

I think you posting this does show that you know she’s in the wrong OP, but she’s ground you down from a young age so you’re second guessing yourself. You’re worth so much more than this. Also, you were NOT too fat for that chair, to even suggest it is ridiculous and only said out of cruelty and spite.

She sounds vile, don't feel you have to be around someone who treats you like that for the sake of your son.

What a cruel and nasty person! You are a Mum now OP. Would you ever speak to your child like that? I guess not. I'd be much worried about her seeing my son, than her not seeing him. Is that an example you want her to set? To insult and talk to one an other like that? Reduce contact FGS.

Can you just see your dad? really it's not good for your DS to be around someone who belittles you so wise to go LC. That she says that to you when she presumably knows you had eating disorders is beyond belief.

With foul language and a lack of respect as bad as hers don't allow her your child. Or any children. She sounds a vile human. Leave her to her miserable existence.

I really think you should reduce contact if not remove her from your life altogether.
If your too caught up in the abusive feedback loop she has trained you in since childhood to do it for yourself try framing it as doing it for your son.
Surely he is more important than your mother?
Imagine you were pulled aside collecting him from school/nursery because he had repeated something she said to you to another child?
You need to stop that from happening.
Best of luck with your weight loss, but know that you matter and are worth your place in the world regardless of the size of your clothes.