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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘Can you even fit in that chair?’ - am I just being sensitive?

191 replies

Okimbig · 23/05/2021 16:00

I’m big. I know I am, I’ve gained weight rapidly since having my baby, who is now one. I have postnatal depression and I guess food has been my comfort. I hate my body and I’m uncomfortable, I’m naturally around a size 10. This body doesn’t feel right and I am trying to do something about it right now.

My issue is that my mum keeps making comments. She calls me obese, tells me to get my fat arse out of the way, and when I told her that made me upset she came right up in my face and said ‘I’ll say what I want in my house, move your fat f*cking arse.’

Yesterday, I went over to see her no office and my family were there (office built in the garden). I sat down in an office chair and she told me ‘there’s a weight limit on those, you know. Can you even fit in it?’, despite the chair being fine.

She tells me she would be miserable in my size and that skinny = happy.

I’m a size 18, so I know I am big, but I’m so upset with the comments. Am I just being sensitive?

OP posts:
Moondust001 · 23/05/2021 16:08

@Okimbig

No, I don’t live with her. I can reduce contact, it would just be hard because I would feel guilty about her not seeing my son.
It sounds like he might be better off not seeing her if that is the behaviour he sees and copies. It is true that she can say what she likes in her own house. You don't have to be in it though, and if she spoke to me like that in my house, she'd be leaving on the end of my boot.
Original poster
Okimbig · 23/05/2021 16:09

It’s made me scared to sit down in chairs today. We’ve gone to the beach and instead of sitting on the chairs I asked if I could sit on the pebbles because I was scared I would break one.

Yes, she has a history of this, when I was pregnant she was awful, and I reduced contact, but she has been fine up until I’ve got to the size I am.

I called her out on what she said yesterday and she rolled her eyes.

OP posts:
CanofCant · 23/05/2021 16:10

@Lalliebelle

She can see your son when she's sorted her behaviour out. That's not setting a great example for him.
Exactly. Right now she doesn't deserve to see you or your son. The way she is treating you is awful. Would you think it's okay to speak to your son that way? I really struggle with post baby weight and I know that if my mum or any loved one spoke to me like that it would send me further into a horrible cycle of over eating and depression.
Jeschara · 23/05/2021 16:10

Not nice, does she do this to show of in front of other people? She is a bully, but she is very insecure, she cannot like herself that much.
I would try not to see her and save yourself the heartache.

GreyhoundG1rl · 23/05/2021 16:10

@Okimbig

It’s made me scared to sit down in chairs today. We’ve gone to the beach and instead of sitting on the chairs I asked if I could sit on the pebbles because I was scared I would break one.

Yes, she has a history of this, when I was pregnant she was awful, and I reduced contact, but she has been fine up until I’ve got to the size I am.

I called her out on what she said yesterday and she rolled her eyes.

Don't let her do this to you, you are nowhere approaching the size that could break chairs! Flowers
ThatIsMyPotato · 23/05/2021 16:11

@Okimbig

No, I don’t live with her. I can reduce contact, it would just be hard because I would feel guilty about her not seeing my son.
Don't feel guilty about it, you are your son's mum and it is your responsibility to make the tough decisions that protect him from being exposed to people like this.
Original poster
Okimbig · 23/05/2021 16:12

She has put on weight herself so I’m not sure if that’s something to do with it.

OP posts:
HelpMeh · 23/05/2021 16:12

I never understand how people get into these bizarre dynamics with their parents. If my mum repeatedly spoke to me like that I wouldn't see her any more and tough shit if she didn't see my kids.

Do you want your child thinking it's OK to say things like that to people?

You need to call her out on it, she's completely out of order.

MythsandSparkles · 23/05/2021 16:13

She sounds like a nasty bully.

Think about how you would feel if someone was saying that to your son...you wouldn’t put up with it so don’t let her say it to you.

Don’t feel guilty about withdrawing contact, who wants to be around such a toxic cow.

Also, were other family members around when she said this? DP, father etc? Did they not tell her to shut up?!

ThatIsMyPotato · 23/05/2021 16:13

@Okimbig

She has put on weight herself so I’m not sure if that’s something to do with it.
You've put on weight, do you speak to her like that? I assume not. So she has no excuse.
OnTheBenchOfDoom · 23/05/2021 16:14

Calling her out isn't enough, stop seeing her. All your son will pick up is how his grandparent talks to his Mother which is disgraceful and rude.]

Trust me, I had a grandparent like this, as we got older and understood the nasty shit coming out of her mouth it made us hate her and also the parent who exposed us to someone being incredibly unkind to someone we loved a lot.

Please stop seeing her, just because she is your Mother does not make her a good person to have in your life. You are clearing her verbal punching bag, she will not stop.

eurovisionsparkles · 23/05/2021 16:14

@Okimbig

No, I don’t live with her. I can reduce contact, it would just be hard because I would feel guilty about her not seeing my son.
Your son is being damaged when he hears her talk to you like that. Do you want him to talk to you or others like that? He needs to see you model how to deal with bullies.
eurovisionsparkles · 23/05/2021 16:15

You should have left when she said that.
Seeing your grandchild is a privilege and not a right.

NoSquirrels · 23/05/2021 16:15

She calls me obese, tells me to get my fat arse out of the way, and when I told her that made me upset she came right up in my face and said ‘I’ll say what I want in my house, move your fat fcking arse.’*

I would never NEVER go round to her house.

You’ll feel much better about yourself if you don’t have your own mother - who’s supposed to think the sun shines out of your arse, no matter what its size is - undermining you emotionally.

Flowers
Ofallthethings · 23/05/2021 16:16

@Okimbig

It’s made me scared to sit down in chairs today. We’ve gone to the beach and instead of sitting on the chairs I asked if I could sit on the pebbles because I was scared I would break one.

Yes, she has a history of this, when I was pregnant she was awful, and I reduced contact, but she has been fine up until I’ve got to the size I am.

I called her out on what she said yesterday and she rolled her eyes.

Lots of people are size 18, they don't break chairs . Her behaviour is making you anxious and this won't help you with the PND. Is your Dad around, can he talk to her about it. I would urge you to stay away from her and agree with other posters I would not want my child around a bully like her. She sees your son when she can behave properly, it's on her then.
Eviebeans · 23/05/2021 16:16

Why are you still going to see her? It can't be helping your mood. It doesn't sound like she's interested in supporting you at all.

Saxineno · 23/05/2021 16:16

Yep, I'd cut all contact. What if she speaks to your kids like that? They're better off without her in their life.

Pedalpushers · 23/05/2021 16:16

If she is like this with you why would she be any different with your son when he's older? He doesn't need her in his life and wouldn't miss out on anything.

Madre1972 · 23/05/2021 16:17

I would phone her from your house and tell her she’s a nasty, spiteful bitch who will not be seeing you or your son until she learns to control her toxic mouth. And if she says anything about being spoken to like that, well you too can say what you fucking like in your own home.

DownWhichOfLate · 23/05/2021 16:17

Her behaviour and language are disgusting. Stop contact before your son thinks it’s acceptable to swear at you and call you fat.

Original poster
Okimbig · 23/05/2021 16:18

No I would never ever call anyone fat or obese or make any comments on weight. I was hospitalised due to an eating disorder when I was a teenager, so I would never want to make anyone feel how I did.

My dad just looked uncomfortable and didn’t say anything.

I will cut contact.

OP posts:
Comtesse · 23/05/2021 16:19

She doesn’t deserve to see you or your son. No need for that kind of rudeness. She sounds horrible.

andthedogtoo · 23/05/2021 16:19

Would you speak to your son like that? or allow someone else too? No. So don't let her say it to you. She's a bully.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 23/05/2021 16:20

@Okimbig

No, I don’t live with her. I can reduce contact, it would just be hard because I would feel guilty about her not seeing my son.
Better to live with the guilt than expose yourself and your son to the toxic atmosphere.
BeeyatchPlease · 23/05/2021 16:21

I thought my Mum was harsh when commenting on my weight but yours takes the biscuit!

What a vile way to speak to someone. If I were in your shoes, I would reduce contact to a bare minimum and not let her see your son until she can learn to hold that sharp tongue of hers. If she's got nothing nice to say, she shouldn't say a bloody thing.

Agree with a PP, seeing grandchildren is a privilege not a right!

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