‘Can you even fit in that chair?’ - am I just being sensitive?

[Okimbig]

I’m big. I know I am, I’ve gained weight rapidly since having my baby, who is now one. I have postnatal depression and I guess food has been my comfort. I hate my body and I’m uncomfortable, I’m naturally around a size 10. This body doesn’t feel right and I am trying to do something about it right now.

My issue is that my mum keeps making comments. She calls me obese, tells me to get my fat arse out of the way, and when I told her that made me upset she came right up in my face and said ‘I’ll say what I want in my house, move your fat f*cking arse.’

Yesterday, I went over to see her no office and my family were there (office built in the garden). I sat down in an office chair and she told me ‘there’s a weight limit on those, you know. Can you even fit in it?’, despite the chair being fine.

She tells me she would be miserable in my size and that skinny = happy.

I’m a size 18, so I know I am big, but I’m so upset with the comments. Am I just being sensitive?

Oh, no. Trying to help and encourage someone is one thing. Using an issue they have to abuse them is NOT even close to that. Name calling, really?

I think you definitely need to stand up to her ASAP. The very next time she opens her snout to demean you, tell her that you will be getting rid of (whatever her approximate weight is) stone of ugly fat immediately by getting rid of her. And don't allow her back into your life until she decides to stop the verbal/emotional abuse!

What a nasty old witch your mother is. Do you want your son growing up thinking this is the way you treat people, especially family members? Cut ties until she treats you with the respect you deserve.

@Toilenstripes

“Yeah, but I can lose the weight. You’ll still be an old woman.”

Bloody hell, that's some nasty ageism there.

What the hell has being an old woman got to do with anything and when did that become an insult.

The OP's mother is a horrible human being, not because she's a old, not because she's a woman but because she's a nasty person.

I think we can all assume that the OP and every woman on this board will eventually become old, even you Toilenstripes, being old doesn't turn you into a bitch, she was probably a bitch when she was young.

I'm old, probably older than OP's mother, I wouldn't in a million years speak to anyone like that.

OP, I think you'd be a lot better off keeping contact with your mother to an absolute minimum she sound truly horrible.

Rather than feeling guilty for her not seeing your son, feel proud you’re son won’t have to see her, God for bid your child goes through a chubby stage, could do serious damage

^this

You don't need to stand for it. It's toxic, and it won't be setting a good example for your son either, you don't want him growing up thinking it's ok to talk to you like that, or god forbid talk to his future girlfriends like it. You don't need to feel guilty for pulling away and taking time out for your mental health. You do what's best for you.

This was vile from your first post.

When I read you had an ED as a teen, I was horrified.

I’ve never ever said this to someone- but I
think if I were you I’d go NC. She’s toxic in the purest sense of the word.

I’m so sorry, OP. You sound so lovely. Your mum doesn’t deserve you or your baby.

@Toilenstripes

“Yeah, but I can lose the weight. You’ll still be an old woman.”

Since when was being old an insult ?

How can your own mother speak to you like that ...absolutely shocking! Have you had other problems with her ?

I think that you have to become very thick skinned, when dealing with rude and crude people, who have no conscience about what they say to others, and cause upset to people. You either stay out of their way,or tell them big time, that their nasty comments are not acceptable,and they need to learn some new manners,or else they won't have many people wanting to be in their company.

No mother should ever talk to their child like that and if a family member spoke to me like that in front of my own children then I would be reducing contact if they hadn't changed their behaviour after a stem and private talking too as it's a very poor example she's setting for her grandchild.

I think YABU for exposing yourself and your son to this toxic shit. You're a parent now and you set the standards you want your son exposed too. I know it's hard but I can tell you from my own experience, my son has had a much happier, gentler childhood than I had as I've kept him away from my nasty, rude, toxic mother.

@Okimbig

No, I don’t live with her. I can reduce contact, it would just be hard because I would feel guilty about her not seeing my son.

Reduce the contact, preferably to zero. She's a horrible person.

And guilt? Why would you feel guilt for PROTECTING your son from her? For protecting him from seeing her abuse his mother? Don't feel guilt - feel pride in putting your son and yourself first.

So no YANBU

YANBU to cut contact if you are subjected to abusive remarks. Sorry this is happening to you

Do not put up with it and do not feel guilty, you are doing nothing to feel guilty about.

Next time she says it, look her confidently straight in the eye, with your best don't mess with me stare, and say - I'm leaving now, but I will tell you this before I go, one more nasty comment about my weight EVER and you won't be seeing me or your dgc again, then leave without listening to any reply.

Then follow through on the next visit. Do not apologise for what you said, if she brings it up just say it is not up for conversation unless it is a sincere apology. Your dad can come and visit if he wants to see you.

Can you imagine ever speaking to your child like that, OP? I'm sure you can't, so don't even think for a moment that you are just being oversensitive. Your mother is a vile excuse for a parent. Your child will gain nothing from being exposed to such a nasty, vicious woman. It would be more appropriate for you to feel guilt for letting her see him than for not letting her.

@Okimbig

No, I don’t live with her. I can reduce contact, it would just be hard because I would feel guilty about her not seeing my son.

I don't think you need to feel guilty about that. Presumably she knows you've had post natal depression and therefore her comments are unacceptable.

My mother used to call me fat when I was fat but I ate too much and exercised too little. I didn't have a mental health condition, and if I had, she would have been 100% supportive.

What a horrible things to say to you and the nasty language too.
I'd never speak to my now adult children like that ...

Is keep out of her way if you can ...just put a little space between you for a while.

She doesn’t deserve a lovely daughter like you. You’ve given her a lovely grandchild in these scary times. What a really brave thing to do. Kindness and manners cost nothing. She needs to realise and appreciate how lucky she is.
for you.

I can reduce contact, it would just be hard because I would feel guilty about her not seeing my son.
She doesn't feel guilty about mentally abusing you, or doing so in front of your son. No matter how small he is now, it will carry on. You need to tell her the way she is speaking to you is unacceptable, and if she does it in front of you again, you pick up your child and your coat and leave. Do not engage with her, other than to say you won't be spoken to like that, you've made it clear it's not acceptable so you're leaving. Do not tolerate this OP!

Wow, her behaviour towards you is unacceptable. She's bullying you.

No, I don’t live with her. I can reduce contact, it would just be hard because I would feel guilty about her not seeing my son.

Why do you want a nasty person around your son? Just don't go any more and if she asks tell her you're not coming because you don't need that kind of negative shit in your life and nor does your son.

Then do what you want to do.

Omg that’s not ok. Your mum should never be saying this no matter how big you have got

Your mother clearly has some issues around weight, but that doesn't excuse her inflicting them on you.

I'd reduce contact, tell her why and that it would continue until she stopped making rude comments about your weight, and feel that my child was probably better off not hearing her obnoxious, disrespectful remarks. She needs to have some consequences for her behaviour. Having him spend less time with his grandmother is less harmful than exposing him to her awfulness.

When I did visit your mother, at the first sniff of disrespect or insult, I'd pack everything up and go back home, even if I hadn't even made it past the front door.

@dottiedaisee Are you actually questioning if @Okimbig is perhaps to blame for what her bitchy mother said? "Do you have a history" is invalidating her experience with a toxic parent. Not everyone is fortunate enough to have good relationships through zero fault of their own