To think it would be easy to live without sex

[Viv08]

DH & I have been together 14 years, married for 4.

Had our first baby last year.

Since the birth of our baby, DH & I have only had sex twice.
Prior to the birth of our baby, we would have sex 1 maybe twice a week.

If I’m honest I just can’t be bothered, but I actually don’t miss or crave it.

It just seems like it’s a thing that I should probably
do, but I don’t really want to.

I do feel for DH because I know he’d love to, but I just do not feel any desire what so ever to get naked (even partially) and have sex with him.

If I’m honest, I barely even want to kiss him.

He’s not pushy in the slightest but he pays me so many compliments, asks for kisses, initiates physical contact, but I don’t want to...

A few days ago DC was in bed and DH suggested we “go wild” on the dining room table.. 🙄

I told him he was being ridiculous and I went to bed.

I just don’t see what the big fuss is about sex and I really don’t think it would bother me if I never had sex again.....

My dh also tried to keep sex in the agenda in a way a teenage boy might. Bleurgh. I told him it was a massive turn off, he was trying to let me know he still wanted me, but because we were DTD so rarely it had twisted into some kind of parody, so we talked and agreed that sex couldn't become taboo or never mentioned or we would end up in a best friend relationship, but that when it came up it has to feel real and adult and be gently flirtatious in a seductive way but a beavis and Butthead way! The conversation helped massively, he felt like he had a way to communicate his desire knowing that for want shut, I felt like I had a dh not a frustrated teen as a partner.
I think how you feel is really common op but talk and share, you don't have to embark on a slow march to the death of your marriage, you're in the desert but it can come back. Your DC is still so young and you will still be in demand all day with that which doesn't help.

Knowing that door wasn't shut. 🙄 Bad editing on that one. 🙈

@Doona

I'm surprised how many people think wives owe sex to their husbands. We're not long term sex workers. There was nothing in our wedding vows about regular access to our bodies for sexual recreation.

The idea that someone should regularly present themselves for sex out of a feeling of duty is repellant. Nobody who respected and loved someone would want that.

Yes. The fact so many people on here seem to have this attitude is utterly mind blowing to me.

I think you were incredibly cruel to tell him he was being ridiculous, he must have felt awful for that, it was unnecessary.
Your husband wants to have sex, your wants don't trump his and likewise. If you don't want to have sex, you need to tell him so that he can make decisions about his own life and future based on the truth. Men get such a bad time for wanting to have sex.
I say this with kindness.

If my partner stopped having sex then I would get it elsewhere guilt free. It is for me part of what I want in a relationship. I would expect after a few no's for them to be getting it elsewhere if I stopped it too.

@Viv08
"Yes, I think I could be you....

DH does this a lot."

Oh gosh I feel for you. It isnt the best set up for being turned on is it? Most the time when he does that I just feel like a sex thing (rather than a person) and feel like my dp is on heat when he does that sometimes it makes me wonder if my dp understands me, or women, at all 😂 what happened to the wine and dining!!!!!

A date night is a must! The thing is just as much as people on this post are trying to drill into you that sex is a majorly important part of a relationship so is the intimacy and romance! You dont just get sex because your in a relationship. You have to nurture and put some time and effort into it! So making quality time for each other away from the bed is just as important. Like you I havent had a date night since dc was born half a year ago now and I keep insisting to dp for one (wish he'd take the hint.) I hope you both have a lovely night! Hopefully it will help for the edge to be taken off and you can just both enjoy each other without any inclination or pressure of sex lingering over you.

@Doona @littlepieces

I don't think people "owe" sex to their husbands. That puts women back sixty years to some kind of hell.

I also don't think the current options presented on here do women any favours either. A kind of bloody-minded "ugh...sex! We did that when we were first dating"

If you stop having sex with your husband, that is always your right as a woman.

But if you remove sex from a fair number of relationships? You also remove the relationship element.

Yes there are some DHs who are on the same page. They are few and far between though.

So no I don't think people "owe" sex.

But they might owe it to themselves to mentally explore how to reconnect if they think that is something that they once enjoyed and perhaps helps them feel close as a couple together.

@Doona

I'm surprised how many people think wives owe sex to their husbands. We're not long term sex workers. There was nothing in our wedding vows about regular access to our bodies for sexual recreation.

The idea that someone should regularly present themselves for sex out of a feeling of duty is repellant. Nobody who respected and loved someone would want that.

Indeed that is why I don't feel the need to marry. Why let yourself get trapped with a single partner who may one day stop having sex and you have to pay them off to go elsewhere.

If my last post was TL:DR for anyone my point is simply that if you shrug your shoulders and say "fuck it" when it comes to sex, it's also unreasonable to expect your DH to have same kind of nonchalant withdrawal from a physical relationship that you have.

@Doona

I'm surprised how many people think wives owe sex to their husbands. We're not long term sex workers. There was nothing in our wedding vows about regular access to our bodies for sexual recreation.

The idea that someone should regularly present themselves for sex out of a feeling of duty is repellant. Nobody who respected and loved someone would want that.

I wouldn't have married someone who didn't respect me, but I also wouldn't have married someone who didn't share my view that sex is part of romantic love. I don't see him as a male sex worker and he doesn't vice versa, and neither of us 'regularly present' ourselves out of duty. But we both agree that when sex isn't part of our relationship we feel less connected and that's a problem to be solved. So by your scenario, if I have sex when I am not perhaps feeling my best because I know it'll be good for my relationship, that's not me being a long term sex worker, it's me valuing and honouring the way we choose to love each other (and I'm always glad I did). And the same the other way round.

I think you have a very odd view of sex and love, to be honest.

I wouldn't have married someone who didn't respect me, but I also wouldn't have married someone who didn't share my view that sex is part of romantic love

Thing is though that an alarming amount of men don't do the whole 'romantic love' regarding sex - they use women as wank socks, then roll over when they orgasm with so much as a thought for if she wants to orgasm as well. I am taking an educated guess and would say maybe women would be up for it more if their husbands were being more considerate and gave them better sex.

And men do think they're entitled to sex no matter how they treat women. ExH used to be a nasty prick all day to me, would nag and point out all the things he thought was doing incorrectly, call me fat (I was a size 10) and ask me when I was going to do something about it, then come 10pm would come over, squeeze my breasts, be all shocked when I didn't immediately orgasm then strop off when I said I didn't really fancy sex with someone who'd made me cry an hour ago.

He genuinely thought sex was an entitlement and that I was being a prude and using sex as a weapon to punish him

2 years celibate and I don't miss it one bit. I don't miss the 40 seconds of mediocre foreplay, followed by being used as a wank sock, chucked around, grabbed and essentially ignored and never once having any consideration for my pleasure, for him to ejaculate after 4 minutes. It wasn't just exH - I've been with a lot of men and it's pretty much all been this way.

So you basically would be happy in a platonic relationship, probably have sex a few more times to conceive a second child, if that's what you want, and then no more sex? Sorry- nope, I wouldn't want to be in that kind of a relationship. You ask why someone wouldn't want to be be in a loving relationship without sex- that's basically living with family or a close flatmate/ friend. If you've decided that you're done with sex, even thought your child is now a toddler, not a baby, then your partner needs to know that- although no sex in over 18 months kinda gives it away. You also would need to accept that many people, both men and women, wouldn't choose to live that way, and he very well May leave, as affection in a relationship is important to many of us

@therocinante

I also wouldn't have married someone who didn't share my view that sex is part of romantic love.

The problem with that is people change. It's not like the op had that perception on sex before she married her partner otherwise it would be dishonest and misleading. She had a baby. She changed as a person. In consequence the way she felt about sex has changed. As humans we all do. No one stays the same over time and when you marry someone people should have an understanding that they may not be the same person 2 years, 5 years or even 10 years down the line. The op is allowed to have a different opinion on things, especially when it comes to a very personal matter involving her own body. No one can hold that against her. Unfortunately these things do happen. Its up to her and her dp as to whether it could work. But a marriage (not so surprisingly) is not a guaranteed obligation for permanent sex. People lose their drive to sickness, hormonal changes, pre menopausal, birth, grief, mental state and heck even preference! So unless ops vows included "I promise to sleep with you until our dying day" I think she's off the hook from that one

[quote Flatpancakes23]@therocinante

I also wouldn't have married someone who didn't share my view that sex is part of romantic love.

The problem with that is people change. It's not like the op had that perception on sex before she married her partner otherwise it would be dishonest and misleading. She had a baby. She changed as a person. In consequence the way she felt about sex has changed. As humans we all do. No one stays the same over time and when you marry someone people should have an understanding that they may not be the same person 2 years, 5 years or even 10 years down the line. The op is allowed to have a different opinion on things, especially when it comes to a very personal matter involving her own body. No one can hold that against her. Unfortunately these things do happen. Its up to her and her dp as to whether it could work. But a marriage (not so surprisingly) is not a guaranteed obligation for permanent sex. People lose their drive to sickness, hormonal changes, pre menopausal, birth, grief, mental state and heck even preference! So unless ops vows included "I promise to sleep with you until our dying day" I think she's off the hook from that one [/quote]
Fair point. I think my point is that these threads always go really hard on 'you don't have to have sex if you don't want' that it ends up almost being 'how fucking dare anyone suggest you have sex with your husband what a disgusting idea he should be glad to share a life with you and stop being such a pervert' (obviously an exaggeration, but you get the gist). And I think that leads some people feeling like it's totally normal and fine to never have sex again or not to see long-term celibacy in their marriage as a problem to fix together, and then are surprised or hurt when their partner isn't happy.

Obviously this a broad stroke - there are as many different marriages as there are people and for some, not having sex for months/years/ever wouldn't be a problem. But it's evident that for a lot of people it would and I don't think we do women (in MN's case) any favours to pretend otherwise - yes, I imagine having children can wreck your sex drive. Yes people change, hormones change, life becomes busier or illness happens or whatever. But if a relationship changes drastically and only on the behalf of one partner then that can and often does cause big problems that would be better fixed by addressing the issue rather than, as OP and PPs here, just burying their head in the sand and hoping their husband won't notice for as long as possible. It's an unhealthy way to have a relationship and it's a really shit way to treat someone you love by holding this private decision to unilaterally change your relationship forever and not even honestly
tell them about it instead of letting them work it out over years.

It does sound as if your husband can’t win.

You say you cuddle and watch films but even if he tries a kiss you don’t want to as you know where it will lead. Therefore, you are really cutting off intimacy with him on a most basic level.

My guess is the sex on a table idea was just to be spontaneous and see if that’s what your looking for as I think he is probably very confused by you.

You say he says he understands but reading your posts I’m bot even sure you understand what you want / don’t want.

I think you both need to have a big discussion about this so you both k ow where you stand.

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

I wouldn't have married someone who didn't respect me, but I also wouldn't have married someone who didn't share my view that sex is part of romantic love

Thing is though that an alarming amount of men don't do the whole 'romantic love' regarding sex - they use women as wank socks, then roll over when they orgasm with so much as a thought for if she wants to orgasm as well. I am taking an educated guess and would say maybe women would be up for it more if their husbands were being more considerate and gave them better sex.

And men do think they're entitled to sex no matter how they treat women. ExH used to be a nasty prick all day to me, would nag and point out all the things he thought was doing incorrectly, call me fat (I was a size 10) and ask me when I was going to do something about it, then come 10pm would come over, squeeze my breasts, be all shocked when I didn't immediately orgasm then strop off when I said I didn't really fancy sex with someone who'd made me cry an hour ago.

He genuinely thought sex was an entitlement and that I was being a prude and using sex as a weapon to punish him

2 years celibate and I don't miss it one bit. I don't miss the 40 seconds of mediocre foreplay, followed by being used as a wank sock, chucked around, grabbed and essentially ignored and never once having any consideration for my pleasure, for him to ejaculate after 4 minutes. It wasn't just exH - I've been with a lot of men and it's pretty much all been this way.

Christ that's depressing, I'm sorry he behaved like that. I definitely agree there's a problem with some men assuming sex is a right, although that hasn't (thankfully) been my experience - and maybe that colours my view of the occasional bit of 'duty sex' on both our behalf where after we both agree it was well worth it, because I've never been made to feel like that.

There are definitely lots of issues that could be the problem: some cases are like yours, some are not. In almost all of them though, communication and respect is the bare minimum or the relationship is fucked - communicating that you need more fulfilling and caring sex, respecting your partner's need for more than a quickie or being manhandled, telling your partner you no longer wish to have sex. Without that (and the subsequent action to change it, hopefully) then the relationship is done anyway.

Unless it was due to a medical condition I could not stay with someone who didn't want to have sex with me. It's a big part of our relationship and I feel it keeps us close.

@LalalalalalaLand123

Oh dear OP, this is a bad situation. You are of course entitled to not want sex, that is your right. But for most people - including, I would think, your DH - sex is an important part of marriage. Otherwise you're just living with a good friend. If you remain as you are, your DH will have a terrible decision to make: live in a sexless marriage; or leave the relationship, leave the woman he loves, break up his family.

And inevitably, he'll be seen as a bit of a shit if he does. I think this is so unfair. One person unilaterally changes the terms of the relationship but the person who responds to that is the bad guy/gal.

[quote Viv08]@Flatpancakes23

*Honestly op the whole let's have sex on the table comes across sleazy to me. And as your dp knows your currently struggling with your sex drive the last thing he should think to do is try to get you onboard with a comment like that. You need attention, care, mental and physical stimulation. To me that was a really half arsed attempt. There is nothing romantic about a quickie.*m

I feel like you have really understood me and exactly how I feel.

Thank you for this!! [/quote]
This one post in support of your choices does not make your decision to enforce celibacy on your husband the right one.

You may not want to, but I think you should do the right thing for you both and discuss ending your marriage if your sex drive does not improve. He will likely hang on to you for a while, not wanting to look like a dick for ending your marriage because he wants to have a normal relationship, so I think it will be down to you to broach the idea of separation, to avoid flogging your dead marriage any further down the road.

You have to open your eyes to how this will affect your DH. You cannot unilaterally decide that his sex life is over.

DH should just find someone else to have sex with and he should feel zero guilt too. You can't kill a relationship if it's already dead.

Sounds unfair on your DH

action to change it

So how does one change a low sex (non-existent) drive? That's always the bit missing from these threads.

Having sexless periods in a long relationship is not abnormal; there are many reasons peoples libido takes a dip.

Most people will want it again at some point.

Try having a discussion with your husband about how you are feeling and how he is feeling regarding it.

I think regardless of sex, intimacy is really important, cuddling kissing, physical contact.... I feel if there is no intimacy you are just friends.

If you have a strong marriage your husband should understand ( and if it is ever reversed I’m sure you would understand him).

I don’t think you can say for sure you are happy to never have sex again. You previously had a healthy sex life.

If no improvements happen once breastfeeding stops it may be worth speaking with a GP. ( unless your husband is happy with no sex)

@TentTalk

action to change it

So how does one change a low sex (non-existent) drive? That's always the bit missing from these threads.

That will depend on what the cause is for it. It’s easy to pin point with the OP that her sex drive dropped after she had her child, she is still breastfeeding so this may be a continuing factor in a low sex drive. She has said if she had a straightforward birth or not, that could also be a factor.

Things like depression can also factor.

Depending on age she may be peri menopausal.

It may also be nothing to do with any of the above, but it’s worth taking steps to investigate, maybe starting with a GP appointment.

You have to open your eyes to how this will affect your DH. You cannot unilaterally decide that his sex life is over

Fuck this chain of thought. It’s one of the reasons marriage became an institution: to ensure men were guaranteed sex, no questions asked. If a woman doesn’t want sex there should be no reason she feels compelled.

Yes, this will mean you need to ask some serious questions about your compatibility with your partner. But no one should ever feel they owe anyone else anything - least of all sex.