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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it would be easy to live without sex

404 replies

Viv08 · 22/05/2021 16:11

DH & I have been together 14 years, married for 4.

Had our first baby last year.

Since the birth of our baby, DH & I have only had sex twice.
Prior to the birth of our baby, we would have sex 1 maybe twice a week.

If I’m honest I just can’t be bothered, but I actually don’t miss or crave it.

It just seems like it’s a thing that I should probably
do, but I don’t really want to.

I do feel for DH because I know he’d love to, but I just do not feel any desire what so ever to get naked (even partially) and have sex with him.

If I’m honest, I barely even want to kiss him.

He’s not pushy in the slightest but he pays me so many compliments, asks for kisses, initiates physical contact, but I don’t want to...

A few days ago DC was in bed and DH suggested we “go wild” on the dining room table.. 🙄

I told him he was being ridiculous and I went to bed.

I just don’t see what the big fuss is about sex and I really don’t think it would bother me if I never had sex again.....

OP posts:
StarlightLady · 23/05/2021 03:47

Each to their own. I could manage a week or so without, after that l would start to feel as if l had permanent PMT and get grumpy.

A vibey would help, l use one most mornings, but l also need to be held.

My body has needs.

Rmka · 23/05/2021 04:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MinesAPintOfTea · 23/05/2021 07:29

@TentTalk

action to change it

So how does one change a low sex (non-existent) drive? That's always the bit missing from these threads.

Lots of suggestions up thread on date nights, discussing what she might enjoy more than a quickie etc. Not just “lie back and think of England”

Yes, they might not work, but there’s things to try in the hope that an enjoyable sex life can be reignited.

Vetyveriohohoh · 23/05/2021 07:48

I’m not suggesting anyone had sec they don’t want or owes it to anyone, married or not. What I am saying that if OP is taking sex and intimacy off the table she needs to give her DH the option of leaving the relationship guilt free.

Otherwise, couple of years down the line he’ll have cheated and leave and be painted as the villain who cheated on her and broke up their family. That’s not a fair thing to do to someone.

JackieWeaversZoomAc · 23/05/2021 08:02

I can confirm that it is very easy to live without sex. Mind you I'm not in a relationship. If I was in a relationship I would want to be having sex with my partner.

Ugzbugz · 23/05/2021 08:07

Isn't it like living with a mate or brother if there is no sex life at all?

I guess as long as you don't expect sex if you want another baby then remain sexless

Myhairnightmare · 23/05/2021 08:12

I imagine the women on this thread chanting how their husbands should just put up with it if they never want sex again are the same ones who have/will post on here in the future about their bastard husband's who had an affair (and stayed for the kids)/left them. If that's how you want your future playing out OP then you carry on. As I said in my earlier post, you do not owe anyone sex. The decision to not have sex again is yours and yours alone, but you absolutely cannot make that decision for your husband. It's not fair on him. You either need to accept he will seek sexual relationships outside your marriage, or you explain to him that he won't be having sex again and this isn't a blip, and let him walk away. Anything otherwise is just disgustingly selfish and a truly terrible way to treat someone.

Sophiethegiraffe1 · 23/05/2021 08:18

It’s really great that you have enough insight to know that this isn’t for you. We often do things we don’t wish to just cause ‘that’s the norm’ so the fact that you have figured out that you actually arnt that bothered about this is good.
However, you are married and if you care about DH, should think about his feelings. I’m not saying that you should do anything you don’t wish to, but this is probably gonna just bubble under the surface for a while until it erupts spectacularly if you don’t find a solution that works for both of you.
Have you thought about ‘opening’ up your marriage? There is a channel 4 show on the player at the mo on a ‘swinging’ lifestyle that might offer a solution to allow both of you to be happy.

DolphinFC · 23/05/2021 08:38

Just to point out, you can not be sexually unfaithful to a person you are not in a sexual relationship with.

thelegohooverer · 23/05/2021 08:56

I remember the debates on radio around the concept of marital rape when I was a child, growing up in Catholic Ireland where many people still believed that women had marital duties. I’m finding the tone of this thread quite worrying.

The op is an exhausted new mother, touched out by bf, turning down quickies and dry humping at the end of a long day. It’s a funny thing about MN how a thread can take off in a particular direction when similar situations on other threads get an equally emphatic but opposite response.

When my dc were small I felt like I was in a time warp where every month felt like a year and the first year was an eternity. And then I blinked and they were starting primary. This isn’t the time to be deciding your future; it’s a time to just survive the present. It all gets easier in a short while, but the stage with small babies is tough. It’s not a template for your future relationship. It’s just now.

For what it’s worth my dh has been very clear on how important sex is to him, but also supportive and understanding when it was off the cards. There was a period where I was processing a rape from years ago and couldn’t bear to be touched for months. I wasn’t sure I’d ever want sex again. Tbh it said a lot about him that I could bear to be around him because being near a man was tough for a while.

When the dc were tiny, I needed a lot of sleep to feel like sex and even then my breasts were off limits. Now I’m perimenopausal and I either want it lots or am completely repelled. And we had a three month period where dh wasn’t up for much either while he was working on our house evenings and weekends and too tired to do anything but sleep.

We are really good at communicating and both deeply invested in the happiness of the other. In a long term marriage there are going to be dry spells. I don’t think the male need for sex justifies legal sanction of rape or social sanction of affairs (which seems to be what earlier posters on this thread were suggesting). But maybe avoid thinking and talking about it in terms of never and forever, and just get through this particular stage with kindness and compassion towards each other.

SkedaddIe · 23/05/2021 08:58

@OtterInDisgrace

You have to open your eyes to how this will affect your DH. You cannot unilaterally decide that his sex life is over

Fuck this chain of thought. It’s one of the reasons marriage became an institution: to ensure men were guaranteed sex, no questions asked. If a woman doesn’t want sex there should be no reason she feels compelled.

Yes, this will mean you need to ask some serious questions about your compatibility with your partner. But no one should ever feel they owe anyone else anything - least of all sex.

The problem isn't with marriage and the expectation of having sex in a marriage.

The problem is that women are expected to be in a marriage to be 'complete'.

OP just isn't the marriage type imo.

SkedaddIe · 23/05/2021 08:59

@DolphinFC

Just to point out, you can not be sexually unfaithful to a person you are not in a sexual relationship with.
100% agree with this
TentTalk · 23/05/2021 09:01

I imagine the women on this thread chanting how their husbands should just put up with it if they never want sex again are the same ones who have/will post on here in the future about their bastard husband's who had an affair

Who on this thread has just said their husband should put up with it?

Tiffanny · 23/05/2021 09:01

Hi OP

I'm the same as you. We had regular sex before child and now I really can't be bothered

I think it's hormones. I also feel tired a lot and I want my body to myself. I don't want somebody else touching me. And sex feels like hard work. If takes energy and effort and putting energy into pleasing somebody else just seems like a chore to me. I just want to sleep when I go to bed at night

If you're breastfeeding, I think that's quite hard on your body and I think that has a lot to do with why you've gone off sex

Tiffanny · 23/05/2021 09:04

@thelegohooverer
Thank you;'what sensible advice

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 23/05/2021 09:05

I don't want sex either, ever, so I'm divorced and single. The marriage won't survive though without any sex.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 23/05/2021 09:07

I haven't had sex in over 2 years. I'm single, could probably get it if I wanted as it's not hard to find a single man wanting sex but I'm not interested any more.

It's difficult if you're married. You definitely need a chat with DH.

ChoChoCrazyCat · 23/05/2021 09:19

I don't think 16 months after having a baby is the time to be making life changing decisions or declaring that sex is off the table forever...you're still not your usual self, especially if BFing. You do need to communicate better though...tell DH what sort of approach you'd prefer, what you're not liking and reassure him that you still find him attractive but you're just not feeling your usual self right now. Don't just brush him off. Sex isn't the be all and end all but rejection hurts and there's only so long a person will put up with it.

Nbnbnb · 23/05/2021 09:23

OP, if the thought of your husband sleeping with someone else, evokes some sort of feeling in you, that means that you do have feelings for him, just not sexual ones (at the moment).

Is there anything about him that he could change, to make you feel more relaxed, such as taking the baby for a couple of hours so you can have a break?

I've been through this. It's not easy, is it? I think life as a new mother changes so much, in comparison to life as a new father. My lack of libido was pure exhaustion, and feeling that I was being taken for granted (not saying that's the case for you).

I wish you the best, op. This cannot be easy.

Wegobshite · 23/05/2021 09:36

I think If you didn’t have a brilliant sex life to begin with ( you say once a week) then I think in my opinion it stands to reason that it’s not going to get better only worse.
I think when you meet someone you should be shagging like Rabbits 😂
If it’s only once a week in a new relationship I would looking elsewhere as I know it’s not going to get any better .

When I met my DH we were having sex most days for the first few years.

After a while it slows down but even after 22 years of marriage we still have a regular good sex life of 3 -4 times a week .
It’s not always full on sex but we are very touchy and always kiss each and are affectionate to each other .

SkedaddIe · 23/05/2021 09:46

@Tiffanny

"If takes energy and effort and putting energy into pleasing somebody else just seems like a chore to me"

If sex really was a chore than you shouldn't have a problem with someone else doing it. Personally I'm quite happy paying someone to clean my house but I would never have an affair, and I certainly wouldn't pay someone for sex.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 23/05/2021 09:49

@Viv08 I was hoping to stop around a year but d's had other plans and we carried on until he was almost 3

BertramLacey · 23/05/2021 09:57

[quote Viv08]@Flatpancakes23

He is also awful at instigating it, he will just dry hump me with a hard on and expect me to play ball.

Yes, I think I could be you....

DH does this a lot. Confused[/quote]
OK. I suspect OP that you would find sex a lot more appealing if your partner were better at it. Dry humping with a hard on is not foreplay. It's an impression of a dog.

YellowFish12 · 23/05/2021 09:59

Not for me.

There is a special intimacy shared with the person you love, giving and receiving pleasure. To be desired / to desire is another key element of a romantic relationship as well.

Original poster
Viv08 · 23/05/2021 10:04

Okay so early this morning, DC was still asleep.
I was in the shower and was thinking so much about DH and sex and I started to feel bad for him.

I went to wake him and I Initiated sex.

I honestly wasn’t in to it, at all.

I knew I was only doing it for him.

I thought once we started i would enjoy it, but I didn’t.

It didn’t last very long and I got nothing out of it, I never orgasm in penetrative sex anyway.
We didn’t have foreplay, just got straight into it.

DH seemed to be pleased with it and all I kept thinking is well that should keep him happy for a little while longer.... 😔

OP posts: