To think it would be easy to live without sex

[Viv08]

DH & I have been together 14 years, married for 4.

Had our first baby last year.

Since the birth of our baby, DH & I have only had sex twice.
Prior to the birth of our baby, we would have sex 1 maybe twice a week.

If I’m honest I just can’t be bothered, but I actually don’t miss or crave it.

It just seems like it’s a thing that I should probably
do, but I don’t really want to.

I do feel for DH because I know he’d love to, but I just do not feel any desire what so ever to get naked (even partially) and have sex with him.

If I’m honest, I barely even want to kiss him.

He’s not pushy in the slightest but he pays me so many compliments, asks for kisses, initiates physical contact, but I don’t want to...

A few days ago DC was in bed and DH suggested we “go wild” on the dining room table.. 🙄

I told him he was being ridiculous and I went to bed.

I just don’t see what the big fuss is about sex and I really don’t think it would bother me if I never had sex again.....

@TheGumption

You're not alone. I find the thought of sex absolutely repulsive at the moment and have done for about a year. I don't know if that will change when I stop breastfeeding. At the moment I don't really care! I find the mumsnet narrative of sex being something you owe your partner really weird and disturbing. Nobody has rights to my body. DH makes those annoying "jokes" about sex and it just puts me off even more. We've been at home together every day for over a year due to the pandemic so I know he hasn't cheated before anyone gets excited about that possibility 🙄

You don't owe him anything, but you married each other presumably under the assumption you'd have a romantic relationship, rather than a platonic one. For most people that includes sex. So people who say they would leave their partner if they didn't have sex ever aren't being pushy or saying they are owed sex, just that it would change the grounds under which their relationship was founded and for lots of people that would lead them to no longer want to be in that relationship.

If your DH turned round and said he no longer wanted to be in a sexless relationship, that's not the same as saying "I will not end this relationship or let you but you have to have sex with me".

@Ginuwine

The bit I don't get is why so many folk on here who have posted they're not interested in sex anymore, just shrug "I'll expect he'll leave me".

Does it actually mean that little to you, or did you get what you wanted out of it all (DC) and so "that's it"

Are you the same people who come rushing on here screaming "he's left me. He says there is no one else. Devastated" ..etc?

I just don't understand the passive nonchalance here. Mumsnet sometimes is like a competition for how folk can demonstrate to each other how little they want sex.

What do you want me to do?

Yes, I'll be devastated when he leaves me. But I know if I have sex I don't want to keep him happy that a) he'll know and won't like it, and b) I'll resent him and myself which will break all the great things in our relationship.

So I'll enjoy the marriage whilst it's here, and tackle the end when it comes.

Would you force yourself to do something you really don't want to, over and over again for the rest of your life?

@AnneLovesGilbert

I think Mumsnet tends to be quite unrepresentative on this issue OP. I'm not doubting the truthfulness of anyone who's posted (to be clear) but I think those of us who would happily never have sex again tend to be more reluctant to admit it, even anonymously.

I don’t agree with that at all.

Mumsnet sometimes is like a competition for how folk can demonstrate to each other how little they want sex.

This far more reflects the general tone on here. Every second poster prefers biscuits or bacon sandwiches to shagging and is delighted to say so. The other no-sex-please contingent tend towards judgement as if couples who have regular sex should stop it immediately and enjoy a meeting of minds, thoughtful conversation, shared interests instead as sex is grubby and basic and should be the preserve of lusty teens, not serious, sensible, totally above it adults.

I honestly didn’t know people thought like that but it’s incredibly common on here.

This is what bothers me a lot on here. The implication that wanting sex is somehow a bit silly or disgusting or pathetic. So many husbands especially described as disgusting perverts for wanting to have sex - don't get me wrong sometimes the threads are about men who are behaving disgustingly, but wanting to have sex (with the person you love or, frankly, a fit stranger) is a normal human drive.

Part of it is DH is a boob man and I find him touching me on my boobs absolutely repellent as there are really feeding machines at the moment.

It’s been about 10 months since I stopped breastfeeding any I still really hate my DH touching my boobs.

Hmm. For what it's worth I don't think people who enjoy sex are grubby or basic - I'm quite envious of them, it's a free and healthy pastime that brings great joy to people and I wish I was one of those people - I'm just not. No judgement here, just a bit of wistfulness, like I feel about people who are naturally slim or incredibly good looking.

So I'll enjoy the marriage whilst it's here, and tackle the end when it comes.

Dear god. If you care about the man at all then have the gumption to be honest and end it. What you’re describing is an appalling way to treat someone. Your current convenience don’t trump his right to feel happy and wanted and valued. You’re waiting for him to be miserable enough to walk away for his own good.

Sure you won’t be on here saying you never saw it coming, cannot believe it, need a shit hot lawyer cos he’s a bastard who’s abandoned you

Have you tried talking to him about boobs being unavailable for now? Would that help, if you knew he would steer clear of that area?

@AnneLovesGilbert

So I'll enjoy the marriage whilst it's here, and tackle the end when it comes.

Dear god. If you care about the man at all then have the gumption to be honest and end it. What you’re describing is an appalling way to treat someone. Your current convenience don’t trump his right to feel happy and wanted and valued. You’re waiting for him to be miserable enough to walk away for his own good.

Sure you won’t be on here saying you never saw it coming, cannot believe it, need a shit hot lawyer cos he’s a bastard who’s abandoned you

I'm very happy in my marriage. Why on earth would I end it?

Breastfeeding killed my libido stone dead.

It's all about you, then? Don't be surprised if he decides he'd quite like more than a cuddle from someone...

You shouldn't have sex you don't want, but calling him ridiculous for expressing a want of it is mean, and you can't expect him to stick around in a marriage that is basically co-parenting.

And I think you are massively projecting. Who says he doesn't feel wanted, valued and happy? Sex isn't the be all and end all. It's not as though we haven't talked about it. And he's happy to stay with the situation as is. He hopes things change and if they don't, he'll re-evaluate. And let me know when he's had enough.

I'm afraid I think this kind of thing often leads to people straying.

It's not just the sex (though that is super important to a lot of people me included), you also said in a post that you show him no physical intimacy at all and you can't even bare to kiss him.

You also said you weren't even sure if you were attracted to him.

He will be aware and picking up on that - and that kind of constant rejection is lonely and debilitating and hurtful. It kills emotional intimacy too and may well be making him feel hurt, embarrassed and like the relationship is dying.

Faced with this, it's not uncommon to check out of the relationship. To build up walls to protect yourself from the hurt. To stay - because you don't want to break up the family and leave the children, but to detach.

From this position - it's easy to see how someone can have their head turned. To be captivated by attention and affection. This is precisely one of the ways that typically non-philandering people end up in exit affairs.

I think if you aren't prepared to have ses - you have to be fair to your DH here - and that means complete honesty. You have to explain that you are taking all sex and intimacy off the table forever and let him make an informed choice about whether he can live with that loneliness. And be prepared that the answer might be no.

Alternatively, if you love him, and you want to rekindle your marriage. I suggest couple's therapy. So you can discuss openly and honestly how you feel about sex and your body and how that makes him feel. Hopefully you can then work through it.

One answer might be to official remove sex from the table for a period (say two months) so that there's absolutely no pressure, but then to work on building intimacy in other ways. A night of kissing. An evening of touching. A bath together. Massage. Whatever. You might find that with sex off the table you can relax and start building physics intimacy (and you might even find you end up gagging for a shag in time).

@DolphinFC

Why don't you leave him?

@DolphinFC

Because I don’t want to....

Can't bear to* (sorry)

God so many typos in my post. Please give us an edit button MN. Sex, physical intimacy and officially*

OP... are you me ?!

Ever since I've been pregnant and given birth my desire for sex has gone out the window. Now that dc is here nothing has changed. Like you my dp is obsessed with my boobs and to me I dont associate them as anything sexual anymore so it feels wrong when he tries to touch them. He is also awful at instigating it, he will just dry hump me with a hard on and expect me to play ball.

I think a major problem with it is that a.) Partners expect sex so get sloppy when it comes to the emotional build up and foreplay. And b.) Men tend to forget that (contrary to alot of posters on here that are adamant to tell you that libido is like an muscle and the less sex you have the less you crave it) men can, even in a dry spell, get in the mood like a light switch. And they seem to forget that for most women to get turned on is a much more fickle and long winded process. It can be little things such as tiredness, dc being too clingy or much that day, not feeling that great in ourselves that can mean sex is a no go. And just because they have become aroused doesnt mean we should naturally follow suit.

Honestly op the whole let's have sex on the table comes across sleazy to me. And as your dp knows your currently struggling with your sex drive the last thing he should think to do is try to get you onboard with a comment like that. You need attention, care, mental and physical stimulation. To me that was a really half arsed attempt. There is nothing romantic about a quickie.

I think mns seems to forget ( which is shocking to me considering the nature of this website) that giving birth is one of the most vulnerable times for a woman. Her mental and physical state does a whole 180. I dont even feel like myself anymore yet I'm expected to give myself away like that?!

It also bugs me when people say that there is no difference between a friendship and relationship when there is lack of sex involved. Like what? There is so much more that defines a romantic relationship than sex that you cannot get in a friendship. It's not true. Not at all.

At the end of the day op as long as you are being honest to your dp then there is not much more that can be done about it. Then the ball is in his court as to whether he finds the change in your relationship okay for him. And just as much as he will respect you dont want sex you should respect his decision too. Thing is it could all just be temporary, or it may not. Who knows? Only time can tell. I'm hoping my feeling towards sex wont always be like this but that's coming from a place more so for my dps sake. I could quite happily continue on with the way things are. Either way dont let this situation consume everything. You still need to focus on getting your feet back on the ground after having a baby. It's important to find yourself again after giving birth. Being a mum is hard!

@Flatpancakes23

He is also awful at instigating it, he will just dry hump me with a hard on and expect me to play ball.

Yes, I think I could be you....

DH does this a lot.

@Flatpancakes23

*Honestly op the whole let's have sex on the table comes across sleazy to me. And as your dp knows your currently struggling with your sex drive the last thing he should think to do is try to get you onboard with a comment like that. You need attention, care, mental and physical stimulation. To me that was a really half arsed attempt. There is nothing romantic about a quickie.*m

I feel like you have really understood me and exactly how I feel.

Thank you for this!!

I also forgot to add, and I dont know if you have already gone down this route, but date nights are must! Your dp should try to be gettingt that romance back on the table (rather than you sorry ) . A date night may also lead to a more natural chance of you wanting to feel like kissing him... and if it leads to more great but if not then that's fine too. At least you enjoyed each others company In a way other than just being parents! I understand completely why you feel put off by kissing as you know there is a underlining pressure there that it could lead to more. I would express and communicate this to your dp. I think the comprise in your relationship should be you need to strip it back and start from basics. Work on the imaitcy before jumping the gun and going straight to the big one (sex).

I'm surprised how many people think wives owe sex to their husbands. We're not long term sex workers. There was nothing in our wedding vows about regular access to our bodies for sexual recreation.

The idea that someone should regularly present themselves for sex out of a feeling of duty is repellant. Nobody who respected and loved someone would want that.

My eldest is 10 and I've had virtually zero impulse to have sex since he was born.
Touched out, exhausted, too much head clutter from the multi tasking of everything, while host of reasons. When we had sex I enjoyed it but it was either dh initiating and me going along with it (until I got into the groove) or me deciding I wanted to show some physical affection so choosing to act even though I didn't really feel the urge in a physical primal way.
I liked how our bond which was and is always good just felt richer after we'd been intimate. I know that my dh feels loved when he gets physical intimacy and I want him to feel that just like for me to feel loved I like to hear him say so, and Dh makes a point of telling me that because despite the fact that expressing his love verbally isn't his thing really, he knows that it makes me feel loved.
At one point our sex life was so sparse we almost felt platonic and it felt awkward and clunky somehow, almost like the sex equivalent of bad dancing and I felt kind of ridiculous trying to be sexy. However, we both tried to make sure that we kept things warmed up outside of the bedroom, so good eye contact and communication and more non sexual touches, slowly that awkwardness faded as we worked on being intimate in non sex based ways and now although I still rarely feel that 'phwoar get your kit off now!' feeling, I am more up for it, it is more frequent so feels more natural and we flirt in between again.
So I get where you are but if the spark goes then slowly the fun can go out of the relationship as one partner just doesn't feel loved, and it can come back! The partner who wants it needs to allow for slow relaxed no pressure no sex physical affection, so it can be brought slowly back in a nice way. There is nothing more of a turn off when the only time you get touched in a certain way is when sex is wanted. Yet if you know that's not the aim, it can become an option as you relax and enjoy being together.
Hope that makes sense, off the cuff and on my phone so probably doesn't read well. Just I've been where you are and with loving patience am in a much better place with dh now which is a good balance of what we both want and need to feel happy.

@Flatpancakes23

I also forgot to add, and I dont know if you have already gone down this route, but date nights are must! Your dp should try to be gettingt that romance back on the table (rather than you sorry ) . A date night may also lead to a more natural chance of you wanting to feel like kissing him... and if it leads to more great but if not then that's fine too. At least you enjoyed each others company In a way other than just being parents! I understand completely why you feel put off by kissing as you know there is a underlining pressure there that it could lead to more. I would express and communicate this to your dp. I think the comprise in your relationship should be you need to strip it back and start from basics. Work on the imaitcy before jumping the gun and going straight to the big one (sex).

@Flatpancakes23

We’ve actually not had a date since our baby was born 16 months ago.

We’ve tried to have a date night at home but we end up too tired, or the baby is unsettled etc.

Next week we have both booked a day off work whilst DC is at nursery. We’ve booked a local restaurant for lunch together.
It will be the first time we’ve eaten out together since I gave birth.
I might even treat myself to a glass of wine!

I’m really looking forward to it and I think it will be good for us both.

@Doona "Nobody who respected and loved someone would want that."

This ten times over!!!! I think a big thing here that people keep passing by is okay, say theoretically you knew your partner didnt want to have sex with you but was just going along with the motions to please you. Would that make you feel great? Would you truly be able to enjoy having sex knowing this. Because for me the benefits and best part about sex was pleasuring my partner. And if I know they dont actually want to be there but are for my sake....well I'd rather not. So the fact people are trying to make the op feel like she should for her partner is just all sorts of wrong. Who's to say the ops partner would want to have sex under that premise anyways?

OP - a lot more people feel the way you do than the comments would have you believe. Look at the voting - almost half say YANBU.

@RealisticSketch

My eldest is 10 and I've had virtually zero impulse to have sex since he was born. Touched out, exhausted, too much head clutter from the multi tasking of everything, while host of reasons. When we had sex I enjoyed it but it was either dh initiating and me going along with it (until I got into the groove) or me deciding I wanted to show some physical affection so choosing to act even though I didn't really feel the urge in a physical primal way. I liked how our bond which was and is always good just felt richer after we'd been intimate. I know that my dh feels loved when he gets physical intimacy and I want him to feel that just like for me to feel loved I like to hear him say so, and Dh makes a point of telling me that because despite the fact that expressing his love verbally isn't his thing really, he knows that it makes me feel loved. At one point our sex life was so sparse we almost felt platonic and it felt awkward and clunky somehow, almost like the sex equivalent of bad dancing and I felt kind of ridiculous trying to be sexy. However, we both tried to make sure that we kept things warmed up outside of the bedroom, so good eye contact and communication and more non sexual touches, slowly that awkwardness faded as we worked on being intimate in non sex based ways and now although I still rarely feel that 'phwoar get your kit off now!' feeling, I am more up for it, it is more frequent so feels more natural and we flirt in between again. So I get where you are but if the spark goes then slowly the fun can go out of the relationship as one partner just doesn't feel loved, and it can come back! The partner who wants it needs to allow for slow relaxed no pressure no sex physical affection, so it can be brought slowly back in a nice way. There is nothing more of a turn off when the only time you get touched in a certain way is when sex is wanted. Yet if you know that's not the aim, it can become an option as you relax and enjoy being together. Hope that makes sense, off the cuff and on my phone so probably doesn't read well. Just I've been where you are and with loving patience am in a much better place with dh now which is a good balance of what we both want and need to feel happy.

@RealisticSketch

Thanks so much for this. It made me smile to read things for better for you and hopeful that things can change for me and DH!!