To think it would be easy to live without sex

[Viv08]

DH & I have been together 14 years, married for 4.

Had our first baby last year.

Since the birth of our baby, DH & I have only had sex twice.
Prior to the birth of our baby, we would have sex 1 maybe twice a week.

If I’m honest I just can’t be bothered, but I actually don’t miss or crave it.

It just seems like it’s a thing that I should probably
do, but I don’t really want to.

I do feel for DH because I know he’d love to, but I just do not feel any desire what so ever to get naked (even partially) and have sex with him.

If I’m honest, I barely even want to kiss him.

He’s not pushy in the slightest but he pays me so many compliments, asks for kisses, initiates physical contact, but I don’t want to...

A few days ago DC was in bed and DH suggested we “go wild” on the dining room table.. 🙄

I told him he was being ridiculous and I went to bed.

I just don’t see what the big fuss is about sex and I really don’t think it would bother me if I never had sex again.....

Never been important to me either and since menopause it just fucking hurts so if l never had to do it again l would be ok with that.

Hey OP, I think it’s a problem if you or your husband think it is one. Realistically you both need to have a discussion about what you both need, it’s okay if he doesn’t mind, but equally he might be a bit sad about the lack of physical affection. It’s only a problem if either of you think it is. Are you wanting to want sex? Or intimacy? It might be time to tell him that you’d like to take sex off the table for now but you want more romance like massages and just kissing. I think doing those things without the expectation of sex will help you find your way.

It’s difficult when you’re in a relationship where it’s important to one of you. I’m lucky in that dh and I both mostly can’t be bothered - I have chronic ill health, he has poor mental health and we have a disabled son. Any time we get we just want to drink tea and watch Netflix. We’ve been together 15 years. When we first got together we had sex every day and that continued for about 2 years but after having ds (now aged 9) it’s just got less and less. I do think there’s some sort of biological urge related to the need to reproduce for many people and when that’s been “done” a lot of people just can’t be bothered anymore, despite what the media wants us to think and that’s okay. I do think as we get older (I’m 40 and in early menopause) sex is very overrated.

@NeverForgetYourDreams

Late 40s here and married 20 years and we haven't done anything this year. Doesn't bother either of us. If I never did it again I wouldn't care.

Difference here though is that it doesn't bother either of you - op's husband hasn't been involved in the decision from what I can gather

I had no sex drive what so ever while breast feeding. Felt totally touched out . It got better once I stopped

@EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall

I had no sex drive what so ever while breast feeding. Felt totally touched out . It got better once I stopped

@EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall

The touched out feeling is the worst isn’t it.

I’m not ready to stop yet though.

I think Mumsnet tends to be quite unrepresentative on this issue OP. I'm not doubting the truthfulness of anyone who's posted (to be clear) but I think those of us who would happily never have sex again tend to be more reluctant to admit it, even anonymously.

Pretty much any set of data you can find will tell you women enjoy heterosexual sex much less than men do, and tend to want less of it as time goes on. My hunch is that this has to do with a lot of straight men being a bit shit in bed - it's incredibly well documented that women have fewer orgasms than men do in heterosexual relationships. (Maybe it has to do with those women being shit at asking for what they really want, too.) It also seems to be the case that around one third of women can't orgasm from penetrative sex alone. Lots of women have body confidence issues that affect their ability to enjoy sex - it's hard to be wild and unselfconscious when you hate your body. And it's incredibly common for women to go off sex when they have young kids, especially if the man isn't pulling his weight with the childcare and domestic work. And menopause (though I know you're not there yet) massively affects women's libido, if they had any to lose!

Basically, hats off to everyone here who really enjoys it - good for you - but OP you're really not unusual at all.

What you want to do about it though - whether you can be honest with your DH, whether you want to look into counselling, whether you'd be prepared to lose the relationship - is what you have to think about. Burying your head in the sand might work long term, but it might not.

It's the breastfeeding. I'm the same, although my periods haven't come back. I do dtd nonetheless and actually once we are into it it's reasonably satisfying. I don't crave sex at all though so I could happily never do it. I know it'll change once I stop feeding though as it did before with dc1. Part of it is DH is a boob man and I find him touching me on my boobs absolutely repellent as there are really feeding machines at the moment.

@Winkywonkydonkey

DH is a boob man and I find him touching me on my boobs absolutely repellent as there are really feeding machines at the moment.

So glad I’m not alone with this feeling!!!!!

Don't worry too much about it, you've got a baby. As long as you communicate how you feel with your partner and he can respect you.

I'm mid 30s, no kids, and honestly couldn't really care less anymore. How do people even have time for sex?! There's so many other things I'd rather be doing with my evenings Have felt this way since my mid 20s. Tbh one of the reasons I'm with DP is because he's very affectionate, but doesn't have a high sex drive, and never pesters me for sex.

PacificState your hunch definitely isn't right for me. DH is great in bed, I orgasm very easily and don't like foreplay!

I just have 0 desire for sex. I do orgasm when we have it, but it doesn't make me want it.

Fair do's @Allthereindeersaregirls There are probably loads of different reasons and factors - there are a whole bunch of evolutionary psychology theories which I don't know that I really buy into, but many do - but they all add up to women (at the population level) just not wanting or enjoying sex as much as men. Eg for the OP maybe it is a time-limited problem to do with breastfeeding which quite often represses libido pretty drastically I think. I just thought it was important to say that all the data points towards her (and you and me) not being unusual or weird.

You're not alone. I find the thought of sex absolutely repulsive at the moment and have done for about a year. I don't know if that will change when I stop breastfeeding. At the moment I don't really care! I find the mumsnet narrative of sex being something you owe your partner really weird and disturbing. Nobody has rights to my body.
DH makes those annoying "jokes" about sex and it just puts me off even more. We've been at home together every day for over a year due to the pandemic so I know he hasn't cheated before anyone gets excited about that possibility 🙄

I feel exactly the same, Dd is almost 3 and since she was born, I’ve felt no desire to have sex. I’m coming to the end of breastfeeding her just to sleep at night, so it may change when that stops perhaps?

You’re right it is easy! Four years and counting here.

I like not having to worry about pregnancy or UTIs too.

*@IsItJustMeOrYou

There is nothing wrong with not wanting sex it is just the place you find yourself in. What would be wrong is not to be completely honest with your DH. He needs the full story so he can process it and make a decision moving forward*

This. Be honest about how you are feeling and that you may not ever want sex again.

My husband clearly decided some time ago that sex was no longer important to him. It is important to me and I told him so. For some time now (years) he has said yes, I will work on it, yes I still want to have sex, yes we will have sex again soon - but I am just tired/stressed/not in the mood right now. I think he never had any intention of having sex with me again but strung me along for his own convenience.

I always initiated gently but after being rejected so many times I don't anymore. We tried marriage counselling amd a sex therapist and he still was not interested despite making all the right noises.

I am planning to leave him next month as I don't want to spend my 40s in a sexless marriage (as I spent my 30s in one).

For many people sex is an important part of their emotional well-being and very often one of the key pillars that supports a marriage.

If you remove a key pillar the marriage will probably crumble and fail.

You've effectively and unilaterally brought the marriage to an end. The right thing for you to do is pack your bags.

Myrighteyeball

Firstly want to say I'm in no way suggesting you don't leave your husband- sounds like the right decision for you. But just to add a perspective from your husband's side - DH and I have had those conversations, been through the same process as you. And I've "made all the right noises" and yet nothing has changed. I really do wish I wanted sex as much as him. I want to satisfy him, I want him to be happy in our marriage. But I just have absolutely no desire for sex. I love him, I fancy him, a fantastic husband and father, but I just do not want sex. And there's nothing I can do to change that. And yes, I expect he'll leave me.

The bit I don't get is why so many folk on here who have posted they're not interested in sex anymore, just shrug "I'll expect he'll leave me".

Does it actually mean that little to you, or did you get what you wanted out of it all (DC) and so "that's it"

Are you the same people who come rushing on here screaming "he's left me. He says there is no one else. Devastated" ..etc?

I just don't understand the passive nonchalance here. Mumsnet sometimes is like a competition for how folk can demonstrate to each other how little they want sex.

Why don't you leave him?

@Allthereindeersaregirls - thank you for posting this. It's helpful to hear that maybe he isn't deliberately stringing me along. A huge part of the issue for me is the associated lack of intimacy - there is no hugging/kissing/casual touching at all, and precious little eye contact. If there was, I'd probably stay regardless and put up with the lack of sex. I'd also might stay if he would agree to me having sex outside our marriage but he will absolutely not countenance this (and I'm not sure about this anyway). I hope you and your husband can find an approach that works for you.

OP, sorry for derailing your thread. As you were.

Your nothing than friends coparenting together. The sexual element is what makes a relationship especially a marriage, its that intimately of being together. Sexless marriages are only workable if both agree if not you got 2 choices accept an open marriage where he can have sex with others. He clearly wants a physical relationship or leave the relationship. Utilmately you seem to be standing by your decision but I can't understand why you would be shocked if he went else where of course he will at some point somethings got to give.

Well, yes, it's easy for one person to live without sex.
The issue is when two people are in a relationship and one doesn't want to live without sex.
So you need to talk to him.

I think Mumsnet tends to be quite unrepresentative on this issue OP. I'm not doubting the truthfulness of anyone who's posted (to be clear) but I think those of us who would happily never have sex again tend to be more reluctant to admit it, even anonymously.

I don’t agree with that at all.

Mumsnet sometimes is like a competition for how folk can demonstrate to each other how little they want sex.

This far more reflects the general tone on here. Every second poster prefers biscuits or bacon sandwiches to shagging and is delighted to say so. The other no-sex-please contingent tend towards judgement as if couples who have regular sex should stop it immediately and enjoy a meeting of minds, thoughtful conversation, shared interests instead as sex is grubby and basic and should be the preserve of lusty teens, not serious, sensible, totally above it adults.

I honestly didn’t know people thought like that but it’s incredibly common on here.