To think it would be easy to live without sex

[Viv08]

DH & I have been together 14 years, married for 4.

Had our first baby last year.

Since the birth of our baby, DH & I have only had sex twice.
Prior to the birth of our baby, we would have sex 1 maybe twice a week.

If I’m honest I just can’t be bothered, but I actually don’t miss or crave it.

It just seems like it’s a thing that I should probably
do, but I don’t really want to.

I do feel for DH because I know he’d love to, but I just do not feel any desire what so ever to get naked (even partially) and have sex with him.

If I’m honest, I barely even want to kiss him.

He’s not pushy in the slightest but he pays me so many compliments, asks for kisses, initiates physical contact, but I don’t want to...

A few days ago DC was in bed and DH suggested we “go wild” on the dining room table.. 🙄

I told him he was being ridiculous and I went to bed.

I just don’t see what the big fuss is about sex and I really don’t think it would bother me if I never had sex again.....

Oh God. I wasn't expecting that. And I wasn't expecting to feel so sad for you.

OP, do you feel you can have an honest conversation with your DH about this? Including what happened last night and how it made you feel? I suspect he will feel devastated to know your true feelings, but I don't think you can resolve this unless you're both open. The problem is both of yours, so both of you need to solve it or accept that both suffer.

@Viv08

Okay so early this morning, DC was still asleep. I was in the shower and was thinking so much about DH and sex and I started to feel bad for him.

I went to wake him and I Initiated sex.

I honestly wasn’t in to it, at all.

I knew I was only doing it for him.

I thought once we started i would enjoy it, but I didn’t.

It didn’t last very long and I got nothing out of it, I never orgasm in penetrative sex anyway.
We didn’t have foreplay, just got straight into it.

DH seemed to be pleased with it and all I kept thinking is well that should keep him happy for a little while longer.... 😔

Oh @Viv08. I can completely understand why you tried this, but also why it didn't work and won't work long term.

Although lots of people (me included) have said that taking sex unilaterally off the table is unfair, this isn't the answer. Having sex that does nothing for you as a chore is only going to make it worse for you and make you want it less.

The trick here is communication. You mentioned you have a date night coming up. That's a positive step and may help. I previously mentioned couple's therapy, which I think will really help.

Several of us have also mentioned building physical intimacy without sex as a first step. You absolutely need to get the kissing and cuddling back first. This may help.

I think you should tell your husband that you are struggling at the moment (BF, touched out, hormonal) take sex entirely off the table to remove the pressure but for a specific, short timeframe e.g. three months and making an active commitment to rebuilding physical intimacy in other ways.

I also think you need to rediscover what makes you feel good in your body, what turns you on, and the kind of sex you like. And communicate about that too. Clearly a quickie with no build up won't do it for you (and fair enough!) so you need to communicate what sex you do like.

@Viv08

Okay so early this morning, DC was still asleep. I was in the shower and was thinking so much about DH and sex and I started to feel bad for him.

I went to wake him and I Initiated sex.

I honestly wasn’t in to it, at all.

I knew I was only doing it for him.

I thought once we started i would enjoy it, but I didn’t.

It didn’t last very long and I got nothing out of it, I never orgasm in penetrative sex anyway.
We didn’t have foreplay, just got straight into it.

DH seemed to be pleased with it and all I kept thinking is well that should keep him happy for a little while longer.... 😔

I don't understand what you were hoping to get from this for yourself, with that approach.

It's a self fulfilling prophecy. You went into it to do something perfunctory and guess what! It felt perfunctory.

As I've said before on here (and been shot down in flames for this) the biggest sex organ and erogenous zone .. is between the ears.

Mentally you weren't up for it. You felt bad for DH. So you gave him a pity fuck just to stop things from getting worse.

Ok, fair enough. But I just don't see how that would make you feel more sexual as a result?

I fear the biggest change to how this will all feel, has to happen in your mind.

@Gazelda

Oh God. I wasn't expecting that. And I wasn't expecting to feel so sad for you.

OP, do you feel you can have an honest conversation with your DH about this? Including what happened last night and how it made you feel? I suspect he will feel devastated to know your true feelings, but I don't think you can resolve this unless you're both open. The problem is both of yours, so both of you need to solve it or accept that both suffer.

This is great advice.

What could your DH do for you to make you feel more happy and fulfilled from that kind of interaction?

@Ginuwine

Well all this talk of my husband leaving me to fuck someone else is hardly reassuring....

I thought once we got started I’d be really in to it.
DH was, I wasn’t.
DH didn’t know that!

I expect he was pleased, even if something is a shadow of what you really want you are still glad to have it.
It's great that you want to keep the relationship mutually satisfactory, but I think diving into the deep end from the starting point your at USD likely to lead to it being a bit mechanical.
When I got my sex life back on track it didn't just spontaneously happen, there was a lot of communication and Foundation building first. I couldn't have just 'done it' without feeling exactly like you are now.
Remember he is your most important human, so right for you that you chose him as your life partner, so what is important to him is important to you, and vice versa. So you can reassure him that keeping things alive matters. However your situation is mutual it might be your libido in the frame here but that didn't get to where it is by choice or by your own actions. It's all context and circumstance.
So it took 9 months for baby to arrive and more again for you to find yourself where you are, it stands to reason it will take time to get back.
Invite him to join you in the repairs, help him see that as a person you have been placed far away from the life that enabled you to act on sexual impulses freely, the spontaneity is non existent, you're physically drained and rarely not required to perform some function or other almost every waking minute.
In order for you to be able to lose yourself to the moment things need to be different.
You need to feel connected, you need to feel valued and understood... There are a host of ways to do this but to start most of what you need to do is very much not sexual. I think if you gave him the understanding of how far from being free to feel sexy you are and create a plan together to revive you - not even your libido - butyou and then the libido can follow. You need to know that nice kisses aren't going to automatically mean sex (then you won't shrink from kissing) etc etc
I think most guys if

I had my son just over 2 years ago and my husband and I are yet to have sex. We had a tough start (he was 5 weeks early born by EMCS) and since then things have just been generally shit between us. I do think if we were having sex things would be better because we've lost an important part of our relationship that takes us from house mates to a couple.

Oops

... If they see a way through will take it. He's not where you are so it's too focused on the end goal to appreciate where you're coming from.
It's a joint thing though, is not you personally, it's you plural, and if he wants things to improve he needs to join you where you are and walk back with you.
You don't get to the destination together at the place of the fastest walker do you.

Place = pace

[quote Viv08]@SadieCow

You're breaking the contract, not him.

Contract..

Is that what a marriage is, a contract to have sex with that person for the duration of the marriage, even when you don’t feel like it...

Shit.... I should’ve read the terms and conditions.[/quote]
I assume that you felt there could be a potential problem within your marriage - or you wouldn’t have posted in the first place????

Many PPs have suggested that the need to communicate how you feel at this point in time with your DH.
People have also suggested a variety of ideas such as: counselling, date nights, taking the pressure off for a couple of months so the only expectation is for ‘innocent intimacy’ without the pressure of sex, visit to GP to check hormone levels / depression etc.

To be clear - it is absolutely your right not to want sex, and no one would suggest you have to have sex that you don’t want!

But what sort of responses where you expecting / hoping for?
You seem to have only responded with more reasons of why you feel like you do, that your marriage is a happy one and why your husband should be OK without sex (for an unspecified period of time moving forward).

This may seem harsh, but it’s seems that you just want affirmation that indefinitely imposing a sexless marriage on your DH is reasonable.

Your DC is still young, you are probably tired etc...
But it if you don’t want to change the situation, or investigate why you feel as you do, or want your husband to seek affection elsewhere - what do you want???

I think you need to be honest with yourself.
I think chatting to GP / councillor could be a good idea.
Most importantly, if you have family / friends who could have DC overnight, have a night away. Not for intimacy, just to catch up on sleep - tiredness can completely distort your view of the world.
When you have a clearer idea of where you’re at and how long term this situation might be, you really do need to communicate with your DH.

Ultimately, he may love you to bits, but if there continues to be no intimacy or sex, he may become miserable enough to take the decisions out of your hands.

Best of luck with it all!

Following with interest as I too feel the same as you OP. Kids are 5 (twins) - we have sex possibly once every 4 months ish.

I just don't feel like it.

It’s the breastfeeding. I didn’t just not want sex while breastfeeding, I was repulsed by the thought of it.

People who haven’t experienced it will tell you to just make yourself do it, you’ll enjoy it etc. Couldn’t be further from the truth IME. Loss of libido is nothing like low sex drive.

Well all this talk of my husband leaving me to fuck someone else is hardly reassuring....
I thought once we got started I’d be really in to it
DH was, I wasn’t
DH didn’t know that!
I think you need to properly talk to your DH OP.
Really tell him how you are feeling.
It is an awful situation to be in.
It’s hard because as it stands one person is always going to be disappointed.
Your DH obviously likes and wants sex and you don’t do so there’s no pleasing you both as things stand.
I think the advice upthread about trying to inject more romance; date nights, cuddling, foreplay etc was good advice as was the advice to maybe consider counselling.

I felt like this when breastfeeding, especially in the lactational amenorrhea phase. It makes sense when you think about it, your body is prioritising you devoting your energy to feeding the baby you have, and having sex (the primary biological purpose of which is to beget babies) is a low priority.

*" You seem to have only responded with more reasons of why you feel like you do, that your marriage is a happy one and why your husband should be OK without sex (for an unspecified period of time moving forward).

This may seem harsh, but it’s seems that you just want affirmation that indefinitely imposing a sexless marriage on your DH is reasonable"*

This is spot on I'm afraid.

Thats quite cruel that you called him ridiculous for trying to interest you in sex. If youve taken sex off the table that doesnt mean you need to ridicule or mock his desire surely?

The sad thing is that DH eventually won't be pleased.

He might even feel very used.

Especially if and when he finds a proper sexual PARTNER he might reevaluate his entire relationship with OP from a very different perspective.

Pay for a date = receive an ejaculation.

Perform foreplay for x amount of time = receive an ejaculation.

Dance around without instruction trying to figure out what gets OP in the mood until he expends enough energy for pity sex = receive an ejaculation.

Personally, I only realised how transactional sex was and how bad it used to be when I met someone who genuinely wanted to share my body and knew her own body.

OPs attitude is cold and calculating, that's not a marriage.

It's easy to live without sex so long as you're both happy to do so. There is no amount of sex that's right or wrong in a relationship, but you HAVE to agree on it, because it's an issue that will cause major problems further down the line if you don't.

You need to address this if you want your marriage to survive.

Wow. Well done to these posters who essentially bullied a woman so much she felt she needed to lay on her back and think of England. Fucking rank.

Well done to these posters who essentially bullied a woman so much she felt she needed to lay on her back and think of England. Fucking rank.
I don't recognise that. I see only people advising the lads that one partner not wanting sex may cause the other partner to look elsewhere.

We recently lost one of our friendship group who was very open with the fact that her child was a replacement for sex and her husband had to get used to it. She stopped coming to our meetings and answering messages. We noticed their house is up for sale . They're getting divorced.

lads xxxxx. lady !

Wow. Well done to these posters who essentially bullied a woman so much she felt she needed to lay on her back and think of England. Fucking rank
No one ‘bullied’ anyone.

They (including myself) stated an extremely hurtful and upsetting but sadly also absolutely true view that many people need sex in a relationship and if they don’t get it sooner or later they will either leave or get it elsewhere.

A huge amount of people said OP shouldn’t have sex if she doesn’t want it (which I agree with) but to be aware that her DH was unlikely to live without sex forever.
Yes it is a horrible thought and yes it must have been very hurtful but that doesn’t make it untrue.

We didn’t have foreplay, just got straight into it.

OP you asked if it would be easy to live without sex - absolutely yes, if this is the kind of sex you are having. It's really sad to read that you did this. Unfortunately I think it will just confirm to you DH that you are happy with this kind of quickie, no foreplay sex that actually doesn't satisfy you at all.

Would I want a sexless relationship? No. Would I want sex if this was all it ever was? Absolutely not. I think you really need to communicate with your DH and explain how you feel and what you do, and do not, want. I think there is every chance that you would want sex were he better at it. But he won't get better if you keep confirming to him that you're OK with what he's doing.

You really red to have an open and frank discussion with your husband.
He needs to know how you feel about sex and then needs to make a decision about how he wants to live his life.

It's fine for you not to want to have sex but it's not fine for you husband to be forced to stay in a sexless marriage if that's not what he wants.

Sex is an incredibly important part of my life and relationship and I'd want to know how my partner feels about that aspect of the relationship too.