How would you punish a 15 year old who told you to piss off?

[Sillawithans]

Stepson lives with me full time, no mother in the picture. Told all 4 children during the week that I wanted them to help around the house this morning and to not make plans.

He came down ready to go at nine, conversation went back and forth for a few mins, he left. I then messaged him and told him he was grounded when he got home and no pocket money for 2 weeks. He then told me to piss off and to get a grip. When I said you're grounded now he said oh ok, but I'm not.

Not gonna lie, I wanted to fucking throttle him.

I've removed his PlayStation, think I'll go for the phone later too, he will be grounded and no pocket money for at least two weeks.

He's turning 16 in June, I ordered him an IPhone just yesterday that he has wanted for a long time and cancelled it this morning, fuck that, now he can piss off. He didn't know about the phone as it was a surprise.

Little shit.

Leaving all the doors unlocked would have really pissed me off

@Paperreceipt our gcse's equivalent is called the leaving cert which you do at about 19. He has 4 more years in secondary school.

OP. Make sure he sees the cancelled receipt for the iPhone.

Nice That was his Birthday present fgs. Don't you think the grounding, no pocket money, no PS4, no mobile was punishment enough?

Oh no. Not again.

There is a lot of leeway in the Irish school system about when you start school - the law requires they are in education by their 6th birthday. In reality, traditionally they'd start the September after they turned four. More and more, particularly among middle class parents, there's a tendency to wait until the summer after they've turned 5 if they're born that calendar year. When I was growing up, it tended to be people started younger but depended on the parents - I had just turned four when I started, the standard 'summer born' people on mumsnet fret about, but my parents had the choice of waiting another year and decided I was ready.

Even still, he'll still be quite old for his year - he'll be 19 doing the leaving, assuming he does transition year.

OP I do think you're treating him a bit 'young' in lots of ways. You need to start moving away from punishment like he's a little kid. I think its right he contribute to the house, but it sounds like you're only making these changes now. It must be very hard for him being in the same school year as his younger step-brother, and being noticeably older than his classmates. I think you and his father need to come up with a strategy about getting him closer, not pushing him away. He's at an age where acting out is normal, that doesn't mean you accept disrespect but you should be actively looking for ways to set him up for success, not failure, and to give him ways to make amends. I think if you're too dictatorial at this stage, you could regret it.

This boy is sixteen next month. He's too old to be told to stay at home to do chores. By all means give the kids chores but don't insist they have to spend their Saturday mornings doing them. Sometimes after school is a reasonable time to do a few little jobs.

When I was his age I never did anything at home! I don't remember mine doing much either.

I can't imagine me or mine being up, dressed and raring to go at 9am on a Saturday either. Saturday mornings were for having a lie in and then planning what you were going to do later on with your friends. Where on earth was he going at that time in the morning?

It’s very confusing the way you say he lives “with me” but then the dad is presumably your partner. So you shouldn’t be saying “he lives with me” you say “he lives with us”.

I have an almost 15 year old and you are massively overreacting. Stop setting up situations for conflict where one of you has to win and the other lose. It’s outdated and achieves nothing. You’re trying to grind him into the ground to prove you’re more powerful and it won’t change his behaviour, in fact it might make it worse. If you want him to do chores set him a task and a deadline, why must he work at the time that suits you?

The harsh and over-punishment will cause more unruly behaviour.

Sorry just seen that he's nearly 16, so should have in year eleven.
So he's actually three years behind where he seems be.

And you said that he is still struggling.

OK this is a child who is really struggling.

Not a normal teenager but a child who is struggling at school, spends his whole school time with children so much younger than him who aren't even in puberty yet particularly the boys.

Not surprised if he lashes out at home given how tricky school must for him

@skirk64

Is "piss off" swearing now? Seriously? "Cunt" and "fuck" are swearing, maybe "shit" although that's debatable, but "piss" isn't a swear word whatever context it's used in (whether "piss off" or "I got pissed on cheap cider in the park" or "then I had a piss behind a Transit van").

What!!! Of course it's swearing.

[quote Sillawithans]@Paperreceipt our gcse's equivalent is called the leaving cert which you do at about 19. He has 4 more years in secondary school.[/quote]
Junior cert, unless they've changed it again.

Year 6 is ages 10 and 11 not 12

@BrownEyedGirl80

Year 6 is ages 10 and 11 not 12

Can you stop that? It's been established that it's not the English system

I think you were bding ridiculous. Poor kid. Its abuse.

Can you please explain where his Dad is. You said 'he lives with me and you said you met with his teacher and you helped with his homework. Does his Dad live with you?

Never alienate your teenage kids. That was the best advice I was ever given. Always scale back your reaction.

I won't show him I cancelled the phone, I'm just not getting it. He'll still get presents, I just won't be getting an expensive iPhone.

I didn't dictate that he had to stay in and do chores. As for setting a deadline, I did but with his agreement. He agreed to help then decided to go out with his friends and told me to piss off and left.

Us, me, no difference really.

Hold your ground OP. I would t stand for disrespect either.

Mumsnet is not England-centric at all. No. Not at all

@GreyhoundG1rl junior cert is halfway through, leaving cert is equivalent to gcse's as these are the results he'll need to go to college, same as gcse's

He told you to piss off.
In you explanation you say he is taking the piss. Do you see the irony in that ?

[quote Sillawithans]@GreyhoundG1rl junior cert is halfway through, leaving cert is equivalent to gcse's as these are the results he'll need to go to college, same as gcse's[/quote]
Leaving Cert is the A Level equivalent. Is he going to a tech college after Junior cert?

Why are you dealing with him and not his Dad? I think you w massively overreacted and you sound vindictive. I agree with others that you need to talk to him calmly. You are only going to alienate him. Are there reasons why he doesn’t want to go to school do you think? You seem to have no understanding of teenagers.

@Applesonthelawn not alienating him at all, we mostly have a great relationship. Not long ago he thanked me for doing all the mum things for him and said I'm like a mum to him, I've always been like a mum to him. His words. He just didn't want to help out this morning for one to sweep up downstairs while I hovered the upstairs. Dust all over the place. I wanted to get it done in one go as no point in me hoovering everywhere and kids just coming behind me and undoing what I've done.

I wouldn’t punish him for giving you attitude. He is absolutely entitled to his feelings. He doesn’t have to like you. He doesn’t have to like doing chores.

The punishment should focus on non-compliance with contributing to the household. Best punishment depends on the kid. It might be taking away electronics, but I tend towards more related consequences. He wasted time that had been designated for chores. Not only the ones he was supposed to be doing, but his actions meant others didn’t get their work done. Therefore he now has to do more chores.