How would you punish a 15 year old who told you to piss off?

[Sillawithans]

Stepson lives with me full time, no mother in the picture. Told all 4 children during the week that I wanted them to help around the house this morning and to not make plans.

He came down ready to go at nine, conversation went back and forth for a few mins, he left. I then messaged him and told him he was grounded when he got home and no pocket money for 2 weeks. He then told me to piss off and to get a grip. When I said you're grounded now he said oh ok, but I'm not.

Not gonna lie, I wanted to fucking throttle him.

I've removed his PlayStation, think I'll go for the phone later too, he will be grounded and no pocket money for at least two weeks.

He's turning 16 in June, I ordered him an IPhone just yesterday that he has wanted for a long time and cancelled it this morning, fuck that, now he can piss off. He didn't know about the phone as it was a surprise.

Little shit.

He was being very rude. I think it’s better to come in harsh and nip it in the bud

I would have a think about what shall bother him most

If phone then in the evening he has to hand it in

Problem is once you start arguing it does escalate. Don’t get into an argument when he returns

Recently I found out my ds had bunked from school. As I was at work I had the time to calm down before I got home. Telling him this is the consequences for his actions was much easier when I wasn’t fuming. I’ve been told I’m harsh too I don’t care teenagers often need very strict boundaries

Welcome to my life!
It's what teens do

He did not get put back. He did not attend school at all for the first few years. I don't know how to explain any better than that.

@thecatfromjapan

De-escalate and talk when you're both calm.

You want your hone to be peaceful and loving, not a war of attrition.

This! Been through this Ds who told me to fuck off when he was 13 - I backed off and waited till we both calmed down and then we discussed it - no punishment was given. He never said it again. I binged on loads of parenting teens books and learned not to throw fuel on the fire...and the teenage years were much easier when I learned how to react to him as a young adult not as a child.

I disagree with posters who have said he is almost an adult, errm at 15 and displaying such behaviour? he is still a child that needs discipline, rules and authority!

Also the pp that said you're only 15 once and he should have the weekend to himself. Wow this is why there is so many little shits about these days!! If they feel like they can do anything with no respect for anyone.

You should get his dad involved in this. I think you were right to cancel his new iPhone, still get him a present but smaller one, buy him an iPhone when he starts showing you respect.
You and the dad should think of a punishment together.

I would never dream of speaking to my mother like this, there is no excuses, don't let him treat you like that.

Year 8, second year, it's basically the same thing. Had I said second year posters might have thought I was talking about primary school.

@lazee

Welcome to my life! It's what teens do

Some teens!

@Sillawithans

Yes father is on the scene. Child has lived with me since he was 8. This is the only time the kids have been asked to help out for one hour. That's not too much to ask for. We are getting some work done on the house and I just needed help this morning.

I work all week, cook, clean blah blah is it not unfair that I don't get my weekend. Give over.

It is the disrespect more than anything that has annoyed me.

This is where you have gone wrong IMO. Chores and helping out should be a given from early on then you end up with reluctant but not refusing helpers. You are now coming up against teenage angst and pushing his boundaries. Problem is your boundaries were already too wide and now its tipped over your "red" line. Unless you can find some compromises you are going to find the next few years difficult

Is "piss off" swearing now? Seriously? "Cunt" and "fuck" are swearing, maybe "shit" although that's debatable, but "piss" isn't a swear word whatever context it's used in (whether "piss off" or "I got pissed on cheap cider in the park" or "then I had a piss behind a Transit van").

I don't punish- I have never punished my kids- not once.

At 15 you need to have a realistic open dialogue about expectations of behaviour.

FGS... punish?! No wonder you get a "piss off" reaction.

YABU. He's 15, start by having a conversation with him about what his plans are and what you would like him to help you with on Saturday and when he can do it.

He's old enough to plan chores around outings, but he needs those expectations set. If he says no at that point you can then establish boundaries or consequences. e.g. "Before I give you your allowance this week, I just want to make sure we get x, y and z done in the house- when on Saturday could you do those things?"

Also grounding a teen by text when they've already gone out is a totally ineffective strategy. He's just going to avoid coming home know, and you've primed your next interaction to be negative.

@skirk64

Is "piss off" swearing now? Seriously? "Cunt" and "fuck" are swearing, maybe "shit" although that's debatable, but "piss" isn't a swear word whatever context it's used in (whether "piss off" or "I got pissed on cheap cider in the park" or "then I had a piss behind a Transit van").

Erm yes it is!!!

My teen comes home from school and sleeps all evening most days. Absolutely chores will be done in a Saturday morning and yes they will continue all weekend if DC drags their feet and kicks up a fuss.

DC did not do a chore (cleaning dishes via dishwasher and clean up after themselves when making sandwiches) yesterday that was required for me to cook a decent meal. Chore wasn’t done. I didn’t cook.

This morning DC woke up ravenous and did the chore required. So this evening I will cook a proper meal.

This is how it will continue.

For those worries. dC isn’t starved. There’s canned soup for times like this and fruit. I just refuse to cook a naice meal of the kitchen is left in an absolute state or there are no clean dishes.

I do most of the other chores.

I don't punish- I have never punished my kids- not once.

Ok, that's too far the other way 😂

Of course piss off is swearing

Do you think he would tell a teacher to piss off without there being consequences or a police officer

He said piss off as he wanted to be disrespectful

Why aren’t all the children in your family pitching on a regular basis? Everyone here has stuff they have to do, my two year old and my nearly teen step kids. Their dad and I aren’t skivvys for anyone. If this home is to stay clean, tidy and pleasant then everyone gets involved.

I don't think escalating punishments and taking away belongings is the answer. It makes your love conditional on good behaviour. You might be interested to look at intrinsic versus extrinsic motivation

I prefer actions and consequences eg "you went out this morning, therefore I had to do the cleaning myself, therefore I didn't have time to do your laundry"

@lazee

Welcome to my life! It's what teens do

@Faultymain5 I agree some teenagers are like this. My 17yo has his moments but in general is a goodun. Teenagers are a lovely lot most of the time

There was no argument this morning. I'm a very relaxed parent, all of the children have their freedom. There was no major change to his weekend, he's never normally out this early. My kitchen, hall and sitting room are being done. We live in a huge 5 bedroom house on 3 floors. I asked all the children to help out so that it could be done at once. If I'm hoovering the house and they walk their dusty feet up the stairs I'm back to square one. Hoovering this house is back breaking.

Not mentioning the size of the house to boast.

Welcome to my life! It's what teens do

Being told to piss off by a 15 year old? Fuck that! It's only 'what teens do' if you teach them that you're the type of wet blanket that accepts being spoken to like shit by children.

None of mine would be leaving the house or having any access to WiFi or tech for a month.

There’s a range of severity for taboo words. ‘Piss’ is a reasonably mild swear word but ‘piss off’ is swearing directly at someone and in any school would be dealt with as such.

I have sympathy with OP as my teenage daughter is being a tad trying right now

But... you’re seriously going to ground him, dock his pocket money, confiscate his PlayStation and not buy him his new phone for his birthday in one day for what is basically one transgression? You’re going to have no leverage at all, his attitude/behaviour will only get worse because he’s literally nothing to lose and you’re in for an even worse time. In my experience.

I would be pissed off too. Really pissed off.
I do think, though, that this is the tip of the iceberg and that you need to have a reshuffle.
Some teens are fucking awful to live with - my eldest was and would regularly laugh in my face. Now he is 20 and in his own flat we get on well again. My daughter who is 15 would never speak to me or treat me so poorly and tbh because we have a better relationship because of that mutual respect she has much more freedom (by that I mean things like certain rules we have in place like no snacks upstairs are relaxed for her because she tidies up after herself) because I feel she earns it.

You need to sit down with the kid and his dad and really discuss what is expected. Do not continue to cook and clean for all because you are doing him no favours. He must learn this stuff and if not now, then when?
That doesn't mean giving him all the crappy jobs but perhaps if he is rostered in for cooking family dinner a couple of nights a week (and given the opportunity to choose the meal and/or shop for it) he might respond well?
Does he have his own money?

It's really weird you use the term and age that doesn't make sense. If you are not familiar with English terms, why would you used it? Makes everything sounds unbelievable, tbh.
And yes, telling piss off to the parent is unacceptable, but I do wonder your request was unreasonable in the first place?

So this boy is being treated as younger than he is at school (in fact in the same school year as his younger half sibling) as well as a potential cultural gap (between wherever he was before vs. ireland). You are also asking for advice on a UK based parenting website where a child of his age would be in a major exam year facing a reasonably significant transistion.

I am not sure how useful sharing our experience of parenting yr 11s many of whom are coming to the end of their school career (public exams cancelled this year) who have had precious little social interaction for the past 15 months.

I get the impression that you are parenting him slightly "younger" than many on here would be. Especially with your talk of "punishment". DS is just over 12 months older than your DSS ( so nearly done a whole year of sixth form) I would request, discuss, collaberate and compromise in your situation. Laying down the law wouldn't work and wouldn't be repectful IMO