Page 20 | How would you punish a 15 year old who told you to piss off?

Original poster

Sillawithans · 22/05/2021 19:24

@TatianaBis you need to let it go. Today was random because I don't get work done on my house every week. I keep my op to the point, no one likes a big long op. It was a fairly easy going conversation with the kids. I'm normally still in bed at 9 on a Saturday morning, but was up early this morning as I had someone calling to the house. I suspect he thought he could slip out at nine before I woke up but got rumbled.

You're like a dog with a bone.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sillawithans · 22/05/2021 19:26

@Therunecaster he is indeed!

OP posts:

Pinkyxx · 22/05/2021 19:28

@Sillawithans that's ok, don't worry about it. It was just my read, and not meant to seem critical so I'm sorry if it did. To be clear I totally agree with punishing disrespectful behavior - it's a real pet peeve of mine. I have to compose myself to deal with the 'hormonal'' attitude my DD has these days - its sarcastic remarks / attitude / blowing her top over a small thing etc and at times it takes all I can muster as it really triggers me to feel disrespected... It's offensive of him to speak to you that way for any reason but personally I'd want to get to the bottom of why he feels entitled to speak to you that way, why he thinks he can dismiss your authority and finally if there was other stuff going on. The other stuff doesn't justify his behavior but it seems important to understand if there is something else going on as he wouldn't be the first teen to mouth off when he's struggling..

ChrisWitlessPatrickUnbalanced · 22/05/2021 19:34

He won't be getting a hug though, he'd rather die than get one of those

Sometimes the ones that don't want them need them the most

Whosaidcake · 22/05/2021 19:35

@itsgettingwierd

So a member of a household is asked not to make plans as the whole household needs to work together for a morning to do some jobs.

One makes plans anyway and when called out on it says "piss off"

And lots of peoples solution isn't to remove privileges but to pissy foot around?

Fuck that.

My ds is about the same age and I've always said he can have freedoms and I'll support and facilitate his hobbies and social life if he returns the respect by doing his bit within the family home.

It's called raising your children.

All of this with bells on....

KarensChoppyGob · 22/05/2021 19:37

@Pinkyxx

I've not read the full thread but I can't help feeling this isn't about chores or disrespectful behaviour IMO. was a massive over-reaction based on what you've shared.. de-escalation is better than going to war with your child. You seem resentful of him.. of caring for him and frankly exhausted. Where is his Father in all this, is he helping you out in general - managing his son?

Speaking to you that way of course shouldn't be tolerated & if my daughter spoke to me in that fashion there would be consequences. I wouldn't keep throwing punishments in as that's just a power struggle which I see no upside to. I'm wondering if is this the first time he's behaved this way / spoken to you like this? If so, I'd be more interested in understanding why he reacted that way. Feels odd for this type of behaviour to come out of the blue.

He's clearly got stuff going on. The fact he's in a class at school with peers significantly younger than him - at a completely different development stage. I can understand that alone causing a lot of frustration at his age. There's more to this..

Yes to this.

I know if my DS(16) swore at me out of the blue my first reaction would be concern not outrage - and subsequent punishment. Simply because it would be so out of character that it's obvious there's something wrong. As a pp said once he & I had calmed down my instinct would be to hug him. Then we would talk and boundaries set.

So many saying that SPs get judged but you can't ignore the fact that so many SPs feel differently about their step-children, it's talked about on here frequently by SPs (!)

Can't help but feel this boy has all the odds stacked against him. Going all out on the punishments will push him away.

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 22/05/2021 19:42

Haven't read the whole thread but I'd do just that. Piss off. I'd piss off and not do his washing or cook for him. I'd piss off with his pocket money. I'd piss off with the car and he would have to walk wherever he was going instead of be driven. I'd piss off with any tech of his that I pay for.

KarensChoppyGob · 22/05/2021 19:44

Nice.

TatianaBis · 22/05/2021 20:11

@Sillawithans

Erm some random poster brought it up and kept going on about it.

I don’t personally give a monkeys.

baaaaal · 22/05/2021 20:35

I'm often accused of having high standards. I'm beginning to think it's actually far too many parents have low standards - or none at all.

He's almost an adult though. Surely by that age (basically as soon as they're old enough to plan aspects of their lives themselves) you tell them what needs to be done and give them a deadline to do it?

I also don't understand this "low standards" thing. A lot of responses I see on all types of parenting threads sound massively controlling, to me. Can't go to their previously planned thing because you've decided the housework needs to be done at this exact time? Not to mention all the children on MN who have never been out or done anything without a parent watching/ getting involved. Fifteen year olds who have to leave their phones with mum at 9pm.

I genuinely wonder how any of them will be able to stand the sight of their parents when they grow up.

purplefoxglove · 22/05/2021 20:48

I like my kids to practice adulting before they go off to Uni - so for me I was modeling adulting behaviour to them from they were 13 helping them to get it right, they made loads of mistakes - who doesn't! understanding that mistakes are made and helping them see that - helping them become self aware teaching them there are more effective ways of managing conflict. The overly controlling parents are not teaching their teens self discipline or the soft skills we require at work - we need team members who can challenge appropriately without fear of punishment - teach your teen how to express themselves without getting angry and parents should respond positively to their attempts by not always having to be right.

CorvusPurpureus · 22/05/2021 20:48

Whether the sanctions were harsh or not is debatable, but I think your fatal error was texting them to him.

He's out with his mates showing off. Obviously he's going to open the text, roll his eyes, moan to his friends that his boring parent is boringly threatening to ground him & then, no doubt egged on, text back 'Piss off!' to the acclaim of his laughing audience at the skate park.

If there's one thing I've learned from 20 years of teaching teenagers, not to mention raising 3 of my own, it is that they might want your approbation in private, but they generally want to be horrible little edgelords in front of their peers.

I'd have found a much more onerous or gross job for him to do on his return (do you have pets that need mucking out or a garden that needs digging or a garage full of junk that needs sorting?) & cheerfully offered him the choice between making amends, or losing his pocket money & Xbox.

& radio silence when he was out with his mates! Let him worry (a bit) that he's coming home to a bollocking, don't attempt to deliver one long distance & expect a polite, compliant response. That's just not how the teenage brain is wired.

Boysnme · 22/05/2021 20:54

Having kids just coming into their teenage years I have a feeling I’m in for a shock when I learn that teenagers aren’t expected to do chores (my kids will be delighted though). They don’t have many at the moment but they do have to do some. I can’t believe how many people think this kid shouldn’t be made to do chores, surely this is just prepping him for adult life? And it sounds like he wasn’t even made to do them, he was asked and agreed.

OP I think you are getting a hard time here. Punish him however you see fit and also no pocket money. You can’t earn money without doing the work.

purplefoxglove · 22/05/2021 21:09

@Boysnme

Having kids just coming into their teenage years I have a feeling I’m in for a shock when I learn that teenagers aren’t expected to do chores (my kids will be delighted though). They don’t have many at the moment but they do have to do some. I can’t believe how many people think this kid shouldn’t be made to do chores, surely this is just prepping him for adult life? And it sounds like he wasn’t even made to do them, he was asked and agreed.

OP I think you are getting a hard time here. Punish him however you see fit and also no pocket money. You can’t earn money without doing the work.

I’d love you to come back in a couple of years and share your wisdom then - at the moment you don’t have a clue!

Boysnme · 22/05/2021 21:26

@purplefoxglove like I said, I’m in for a shock ….

purplefoxglove · 22/05/2021 21:28

[quote Boysnme]@purplefoxglove like I said, I’m in for a shock ….[/quote]
Do some reading - avoid the shock! And the years of conflict, which I couldn’t tolerate and when I mended my ways my teens mended theirs!

blackcurrantjam · 22/05/2021 21:30

@Sillawithans

Stepson lives with me full time, no mother in the picture. Told all 4 children during the week that I wanted them to help around the house this morning and to not make plans.

He came down ready to go at nine, conversation went back and forth for a few mins, he left. I then messaged him and told him he was grounded when he got home and no pocket money for 2 weeks. He then told me to piss off and to get a grip. When I said you're grounded now he said oh ok, but I'm not.

Not gonna lie, I wanted to fucking throttle him.

I've removed his PlayStation, think I'll go for the phone later too, he will be grounded and no pocket money for at least two weeks.

He's turning 16 in June, I ordered him an IPhone just yesterday that he has wanted for a long time and cancelled it this morning, fuck that, now he can piss off. He didn't know about the phone as it was a surprise.

Little shit.

YA being completely U

caringcarer · 22/05/2021 21:43

He did one thing wrong. You need to choose one punishment. You are going way over the top. Taking him off line is a good punishment. Give him a hard task he can earn it back. I had similar from my foster son. I took him offline for 1 week but he could get internet back after 4 days if he did a lot of help in cleaning up back garden. Raking up leaves, picking up cut up tree branches, loading up skip, helping to tidy up garage and through stuff into skip. He worked most of one day to get internet back. He also apologised to me and said he was wrong to get angry with me when I do so much for him.

ViciousJackdaw · 22/05/2021 21:46

Silla if you had started the thread with 'My son...', you'd be getting a set of very different replies. It's obvious who the bitter first wives are.

user1496146479 · 22/05/2021 21:50

@gottakeeponmovin

To be honest I think it's a bit out of order telling a 15 year old they have to stay in at the weekend and do chores. If you want them to do chores fine but can't they do it when they want at the weekend. You are only 15 once

It's perfectly acceptable to expect teens to help out in the house at the weekend!!

user1496146479 · 22/05/2021 21:52

@TinaYouFatLard

Grounded for two weeks, no pocket money, no PlayStation, no phone and no big gift for his 16th.

You are massively overreacting. He’s 15 FFS. I’m surprised it was only a piss off and not a fuck you.

Is it any wonder that more & more teens etc has such bad attitudes if this is the way people "parent"

Original poster

Sillawithans · 22/05/2021 21:59

How many times do I have to repeat myself......... how I wish I could edit that op. He was only going to lost pocket money for two weeks, not everything else. It was agreed during the week everyone would help. It wouldn't have taken long. It was really just to keep them busy in one spot while I hoovered up dust from the stairs so they wouldn't be walking in it and tracking it all over the house undoing what I did.

He's due home in 1 minute.......

OP posts:

Original poster

Sillawithans · 22/05/2021 22:06

@ViciousJackdaw I did wonder about putting it in but didn't want to be accused of drip feeding. This thread has been eye opener, I'm shocked that so many people would tolerate being told to piss off. I never spoke to my parents like this, I wouldn't have dared and I had strict ish but lovely parents. It's only now that I'm an adult that I appreciate it.
My own children would never speak to me like this. People will come along to tell me otherwise though. The way I see it I put the work in when they were small and I'm reaping the rewards now. I'll reap the rewards of what I put into them now when they're adults.
I just will not tolerate being told to piss off, not happening. I'll chat to him later if he comes to me. He still has his PlayStation. He's not a bad kid, just being a usual teenager but piss off, nope, fuck off.

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purplefoxglove · 22/05/2021 22:12

@Sillawithans

How many times do I have to repeat myself......... how I wish I could edit that op. He was only going to lost pocket money for two weeks, not everything else. It was agreed during the week everyone would help. It wouldn't have taken long. It was really just to keep them busy in one spot while I hoovered up dust from the stairs so they wouldn't be walking in it and tracking it all over the house undoing what I did.

He's due home in 1 minute.......

Do your dss a favour and teach him how to ask for what he wants without the need to tell you to piss off - to talk to you and negotiate a good compromise between his needs and yours - life will be better for you both.

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 22/05/2021 22:14

I have a 17 year old and a 21 year old. We have brilliant relationships but if either of them told me to piss off, i would go mental.