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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you punish a 15 year old who told you to piss off?

638 replies

Sillawithans · 22/05/2021 13:53

Stepson lives with me full time, no mother in the picture. Told all 4 children during the week that I wanted them to help around the house this morning and to not make plans.

He came down ready to go at nine, conversation went back and forth for a few mins, he left. I then messaged him and told him he was grounded when he got home and no pocket money for 2 weeks. He then told me to piss off and to get a grip. When I said you're grounded now he said oh ok, but I'm not.

Not gonna lie, I wanted to fucking throttle him.

I've removed his PlayStation, think I'll go for the phone later too, he will be grounded and no pocket money for at least two weeks.

He's turning 16 in June, I ordered him an IPhone just yesterday that he has wanted for a long time and cancelled it this morning, fuck that, now he can piss off. He didn't know about the phone as it was a surprise.

Little shit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sillawithans · 22/05/2021 18:52

@CovoidOfAllHumanity they'd probably tell you to piss off if you hovered over them Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Sillawithans · 22/05/2021 18:53

@Macncheeseballs for the love of Jaysus nothing was dictated. Christ I need a Gin

OP posts:
Macncheeseballs · 22/05/2021 18:54

Grounding is such an American concept, I was never grounded, nor have I grounded any of my kids

Macncheeseballs · 22/05/2021 18:56

Telling children not to make any plans to do chores is a touch dictatorial, text you ss thst he is grounded is dictatorial

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 22/05/2021 18:56

I'm off for a Gintoo
I do also agree with VeganCheese that you are doing a good job at a hard task parenting a young man who has had a very hard start and I wish you and he a happy future.

TatianaBis · 22/05/2021 18:58

[quote Faultymain5]**@TatianaBis

Sillawithans
@TatianaBis I won't be getting a cleaner. They were not randomly told. Please read the thread wink
I read your thread thanks, carefully it’s in your OP.

Maybe you should have read past the first OPSmile[/quote]
I’ve read the entire thread, but the relevant passage was in the OP. HTH.

TatianaBis · 22/05/2021 18:59

his English was good as he lived here from 3 months, but I'm not sure to be honest. He would have picked it up from playing with friend's.

You don’t know exactly how good your SS’s written and oral English was?

Faultymain5 · 22/05/2021 18:59

@CovoidOfAllHumanity

I actually don't treat my junior staff like that at work either. I treat them much like I treat my teens as they are not much older. I treat them like the intelligent degree educated people they are I say 'here is a list of tasks that needs to be done by x time' How they get that done is up to them If the tasks are not done or not done well then I give them feedback and ask why expectations weren't met and give advice as to how things could be improved I do not hover about micromanaging and shouting at people and arbitrarily punishing them. If they continue not to meet my expectations then they will get a bad report, not progress and no longer be employed which is a natural consequence and not a punishment.

The world as a whole is less authoritarian these days. It's well recognised that autocratic and paternalistic leadership styles are not actually effective vs democratic.

Yes that works for individuals. You cannot do the same for something where everyone I.e the team needs to work together as the OP explained.
stuckinaditch · 22/05/2021 19:02

[quote Sillawithans]@stuckinaditch I didn't ask for opinions, I asked how would you punish.......
I'm not going to pull apart your opinion, I'll read it of course but I won't argue with it. Yours is as valid as mine.[/quote]
Arguing over semantic there @Sillawithans. You asked for other people's thoughts or opinions on how to punish him. It's not really about whether my opinion is more or less valid, (an opinion you asked for on a public forum). This isn't an argument about who is right but about how best to manage your 15 year old step son. That's the bottom line.

speakout · 22/05/2021 19:02

Macncheeseballs
Grounding is such an American concept, I was never grounded, nor have I grounded any of my kids

I agree. Same with naughty step.

Faultymain5 · 22/05/2021 19:02

@TatianaBis
Faultymain5
@TatianaBis

Sillawithans
@TatianaBis I won't be getting a cleaner. They were not randomly told. Please read the thread wink
I read your thread thanks, carefully it’s in your OP.

Maybe you should have read past the first OPsmile
I’ve read the entire thread, but the relevant passage was in the OP. HTH.
Except she clarified the misunderstanding further in her other threads. Otherwise you would have known they were not randomly told, they were asked, it was agreed together and he decided this fine Saturday morning to just not do it. Hope that helps.

Original poster
Sillawithans · 22/05/2021 19:04

@TatianaBis I think you posted something before that about him being 7 and going to school and that's what I responded to. No, I don't really know, I wasn't in his life then. I'm assuming it was good as he would have picked it up from friends. I've been in his life since he was a bit older and his English was fine then, but of course he'd been going to school then so that would have helped.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sillawithans · 22/05/2021 19:06

@Faultymain5 thank you, let's have a Wine Christ knows I need one after this thread Grin

OP posts:
Pinkyxx · 22/05/2021 19:07

I've not read the full thread but I can't help feeling this isn't about chores or disrespectful behaviour IMO. was a massive over-reaction based on what you've shared.. de-escalation is better than going to war with your child. You seem resentful of him.. of caring for him and frankly exhausted. Where is his Father in all this, is he helping you out in general - managing his son?

Speaking to you that way of course shouldn't be tolerated & if my daughter spoke to me in that fashion there would be consequences. I wouldn't keep throwing punishments in as that's just a power struggle which I see no upside to. I'm wondering if is this the first time he's behaved this way / spoken to you like this? If so, I'd be more interested in understanding why he reacted that way. Feels odd for this type of behaviour to come out of the blue.

He's clearly got stuff going on. The fact he's in a class at school with peers significantly younger than him - at a completely different development stage. I can understand that alone causing a lot of frustration at his age. There's more to this..

RealisticSketch · 22/05/2021 19:08

Wow this thread has gone for you! Sounds like you've got it all in hand to me. Your instincts seem pretty good to me, alongside a check when opportunity presents that he's not falling in with bad crowd or upset about anything. But a line was crossed and you're enforcing it. Crack on.

Original poster
Sillawithans · 22/05/2021 19:09

@CovoidOfAllHumanity thank you so much, that means the world to me. I'm actually reading back over your comments, thank you for not crucifying me Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
Sillawithans · 22/05/2021 19:11

@Pinkyxx oh lord, resentful, not this again. Crock of shit, sorry

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 22/05/2021 19:12

I think the grounding for taking off and loss of electronics for telling you to piss off seems an appropriate punishment. I wouldn't take it too much further than that. It sounds like he has a big attitude problem that needs addressing.

Original poster
Sillawithans · 22/05/2021 19:12

@RealisticSketch I think the expression is I've been ripped a New one Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Sillawithans · 22/05/2021 19:15

@Pinkyxx my apologies, my response seems harsh reading it back.

OP posts:
Therunecaster · 22/05/2021 19:16

@KurtWilde

So a 7yo was put in a class with 4to and your 12yo is in a class with 10yo?

I'm calling bullshit. Sorry.

Yup, me too
TatianaBis · 22/05/2021 19:18

@Faultymain5

For those at the back:

Random as in not a regular rostered chore.

She said told them in the week what she wanted them to do and then she backtracked in later posts to make it sound better.

Original poster
Sillawithans · 22/05/2021 19:20

@Therunecaster how can you call bullshit when that post doesn't even make sense Grin

OP posts:
Quincie · 22/05/2021 19:21

I agree with coming down hard- no staying off school cos he can't be arsed- when is that a good path to take.

Therunecaster · 22/05/2021 19:24

[quote Sillawithans]@Therunecaster how can you call bullshit when that post doesn't even make sense Grin[/quote]
I gave up after the age confusion but fair play to you for sticking this out. He's a cheeky fucker,