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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you punish a 15 year old who told you to piss off?

638 replies

Sillawithans · 22/05/2021 13:53

Stepson lives with me full time, no mother in the picture. Told all 4 children during the week that I wanted them to help around the house this morning and to not make plans.

He came down ready to go at nine, conversation went back and forth for a few mins, he left. I then messaged him and told him he was grounded when he got home and no pocket money for 2 weeks. He then told me to piss off and to get a grip. When I said you're grounded now he said oh ok, but I'm not.

Not gonna lie, I wanted to fucking throttle him.

I've removed his PlayStation, think I'll go for the phone later too, he will be grounded and no pocket money for at least two weeks.

He's turning 16 in June, I ordered him an IPhone just yesterday that he has wanted for a long time and cancelled it this morning, fuck that, now he can piss off. He didn't know about the phone as it was a surprise.

Little shit.

OP posts:
VeganCheesePlease · 22/05/2021 18:29

He sounds like he was a cheeky little git for sure but I've read through your posts and it does sound like he's had a pretty rough start. I know you say that you have had it worse, but that doesn't mean he won't be as badly if not worse affected by his situation. We all have different levels of resilience.
You are not unreasonable at all to ask for help around the house. And tbh I don't think your punishment was that bad but I think removing pocket money is what I would have done first because as you say, that's earned through chores. Before removing his PS I think I would have had a chat with him to see if anything was going on as you say you have a great relationship, and then if it was just him being cheeky and pushing boundaries then decide from there if you want to remove devices and consoles. And fair play to you OP, you've built a great relationship with your stepson who had a tough start.

101kids · 22/05/2021 18:29

Calm down OP. Are your other children younger? Don’t think that yours won’t ever say the same

Mine havnt and eldest is 25 and I’m far from Mary Poppins! I’m sure they’ve thought it many of time but they know better than to get a wobbly gob.

If one of mine ever said that they’d have been forced to sit down to a dreaded ‘talk’ at the table regarding respect with both ex and I. Tedious but effective.

Feedingthebirds1 · 22/05/2021 18:29

Why is the OP getting all the flack? Where is the boy's father in all this? Does he get involved with what his son's doing and saying, how does he discipline him (if at all) or does he leave it all to OP?

Original poster
Sillawithans · 22/05/2021 18:31

@CovoidOfAllHumanity grounding works with him, he just accepts it. The pocket money was only 2 weeks. I wasn't grounding him or removing his PlayStation for 2 weeks, that would be a bit extreme even for me Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Sillawithans · 22/05/2021 18:34

@stuckinaditch was just defending my own actions the rest was your opinion, which of course you're entitled to Smile

OP posts:
BrilliantBetty · 22/05/2021 18:35

Think you've gone a bit far.
2 weeks no pocket money and grounded. OR cancelling the phone OR taking away devices for a few days.
Not all of them.

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 22/05/2021 18:36

Your OP reads like it's grounding AND no PS AND no pocket money AND no phone all for 2 weeks

So maybe if that's not what you actually meant then that's why you are puzzled that people think you are hugely over reacting.

I do think that quite shortly he will cotton on that you can't actually stop him leaving the house. He already left without your permission this morning. My friends DD used to just climb out of the window when they grounded her.

Original poster
Sillawithans · 22/05/2021 18:36

@Feedingthebirds1 he's involved and would not like him saying that me at all. We don't tolerate being spoken to like shit in this house. We have very few rules here, very relaxed house and one of those rules is not to disrespect each other.

OP posts:
itsgettingwierd · 22/05/2021 18:37

OMG now we've got parenting and telling your teens to do something towards the upkeep of the home they are housed in at a certain time as being equivalent to being a dictator.

And I only think this attitude is because the OP has said it's her step son.

I doubt very much we have such wet blanket facilitating entitled attitudes parents on this board on the numbers that have appeared to today.

If we do god help our future workforce.

BOSS "I need this email read and responded to by 2pm"

ENTITLED ONE "oh I can't do that. That's dictating. You must give me a huge timeframe in which I can decide to participate within my role of an organisation when I feel that I'd like to be a team player"

Rejoiningperson · 22/05/2021 18:38

He came down ready to go at nine, conversation went back and forth for a few mins, he left. I then messaged him and told him he was grounded when he got home and no pocket money for 2 weeks.

I really think you were too harsh - and what preceded his ‘piss off’ was your harsh escalation. So he responded with a harsh escalation.

You weren’t being fair. And now you’ve massively amplified it with all the grounded/PlayStation/iPhone. Just because... of what exactly? What did he do? This kind of reaction would have to be for something absolutely HUGE.

It sounded like you having ‘words’ was an argument and he left - which is often a pretty good healthy reaction - to get out of an escalating atmosphere and making it stop.

However you then texted him and massively provoked him. This wasn’t fair of you at all and wasn’t adult.

Abhannmor · 22/05/2021 18:39

Is Transition Year an option? My sons loved it. It could give him time to catch up a bit before Leaving Cert...and mature emotionally too.

Original poster
Sillawithans · 22/05/2021 18:40

@VeganCheesePlease absolutely agree that we all have levels of resilience. When he comes home he will more than likely apologise for what's happened. We really do get on great, thank you for your lovely comment, that means a lot Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Sillawithans · 22/05/2021 18:42

@Abhannmor I'm encouraging transition year as it's a great opportunity for them to catch up if needed, gain work experience and have a bit of fun in school, great trips in that year.

OP posts:
Faultymain5 · 22/05/2021 18:43

@poppycat10

My job is not to be your friend or be liked it is to raise you to be a fully functioning adult

Totally true, I may have said this a few times myself!

Same
mermaidsariel · 22/05/2021 18:43

Where is his father? Does he not feature?
You aren’t answering questions about why he isn’t involved.

stuckinaditch · 22/05/2021 18:44

[quote Sillawithans]@stuckinaditch was just defending my own actions the rest was your opinion, which of course you're entitled to Smile[/quote]
Well you have come on here asking for people's opinions after all....

Original poster
Sillawithans · 22/05/2021 18:45

@CovoidOfAllHumanity I agree it does read like that. I've explained that it wasn't all of them early in the thread so anyone reading the full thread will see that.

OP posts:
Faultymain5 · 22/05/2021 18:45

@TatianaBis

Sillawithans
@TatianaBis I won't be getting a cleaner. They were not randomly told. Please read the thread wink
I read your thread thanks, carefully it’s in your OP.

Maybe you should have read past the first OPSmile

nanbread · 22/05/2021 18:45

You say grounding works, but his response to being grounded suggests otherwise...

I understand why you were pissed off but grounding him and no pocket money for 2 weeks for not doing the cleaning at that time was a major escalation in the circumstance, which led to him feeling you were highly unreasonable and telling you to piss off.

He shouldn't have done that and was very rude, but it would be better to use natural and connected consequences.

Eg well I had to spend extra time cleaning so I'm too tired to drive you to your mates house as promised / haven't washed your clothes / haven't had time to cook for you so you have to make your own dinner, or I've had to pay for a cleaner so won't be able to afford the present you wanted.

In terms of dealing with being told to piss off, I would sit down with him and ask him what that was about. Give him his chance to say his bit (hopefully apologise). Ask him if he thinks it's acceptable to talk to you like that.

You know he's being oppositional at the moment and the best way to deal with that is to give him less drama to feed off.

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 22/05/2021 18:46

I actually don't treat my junior staff like that at work either. I treat them much like I treat my teens as they are not much older.
I treat them like the intelligent degree educated people they are
I say 'here is a list of tasks that needs to be done by x time'
How they get that done is up to them
If the tasks are not done or not done well then I give them feedback and ask why expectations weren't met and give advice as to how things could be improved
I do not hover about micromanaging and shouting at people and arbitrarily punishing them.
If they continue not to meet my expectations then they will get a bad report, not progress and no longer be employed which is a natural consequence and not a punishment.

The world as a whole is less authoritarian these days. It's well recognised that autocratic and paternalistic leadership styles are not actually effective vs democratic.

Original poster
Sillawithans · 22/05/2021 18:46

@stuckinaditch I didn't ask for opinions, I asked how would you punish.......
I'm not going to pull apart your opinion, I'll read it of course but I won't argue with it. Yours is as valid as mine.

OP posts:
Macncheeseballs · 22/05/2021 18:48

I'd be pleased a teenager was up and out that early, there is no excuse for swearing but you were too dictatorial in the first place

3CCC · 22/05/2021 18:49

A 15 year old to be up and ready at 9am on his own accord. Something must have been more pressing or important to him

Feel there's more of a back story as in the face of it crime doesn't meet the punishment IMO

Original poster
Sillawithans · 22/05/2021 18:50

@nanbread grounding works as in He'll take the punishment and won't try and get out of it. The last time he was grounded was because he suggested it so I said ok, we'll go with that! Before that I can't think the last time he was grounded, must be years.

OP posts:
Rejoiningperson · 22/05/2021 18:50

I say 'here is a list of tasks that needs to be done by x time' How they get that done is up to them Absolutely. This is so escalated and heavy handed by the OP, it’s not fair or reasonable parenting.

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