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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you punish a 15 year old who told you to piss off?

638 replies

Sillawithans · 22/05/2021 13:53

Stepson lives with me full time, no mother in the picture. Told all 4 children during the week that I wanted them to help around the house this morning and to not make plans.

He came down ready to go at nine, conversation went back and forth for a few mins, he left. I then messaged him and told him he was grounded when he got home and no pocket money for 2 weeks. He then told me to piss off and to get a grip. When I said you're grounded now he said oh ok, but I'm not.

Not gonna lie, I wanted to fucking throttle him.

I've removed his PlayStation, think I'll go for the phone later too, he will be grounded and no pocket money for at least two weeks.

He's turning 16 in June, I ordered him an IPhone just yesterday that he has wanted for a long time and cancelled it this morning, fuck that, now he can piss off. He didn't know about the phone as it was a surprise.

Little shit.

OP posts:
CovoidOfAllHumanity · 22/05/2021 17:44

That's good I'm glad he has help through school and that you do understand how tough things are for him.
Given you know all that it's not a huge surprise that his behaviour can be off at this point is it?

Its not that you have to let him do as he wants it's just that if you get in a battle and are an authoritarian punishing figure then I can't see how that will help him. Subconsciously he probably wants to push you to see if you will reject him as his own mother did and if you punish him harshly then it just confirms for him that no-one wants him. You need to let him know that he is very much loved and a part of your family but that there are rules and boundaries for everyone

I would try to have a talk with him and tell him that it really upset you that he would go back on an agreement and speak to you like that but you'd like to hear his side of the story. What was it that was so important at 9am? Does he regret what he said and maybe he thinks he should apologise.

I always stick to 'when you said that I felt x' not 'you made me feel x'

He has been rejected by his mum and he needs therapeutic parenting like an adopted child. If you want to have a better relationship with him I'd honestly suggest you look into it.

EveningOverRooftops · 22/05/2021 17:45

@thegcatsmother

Those of us who are less relaxed in our parenting have been there, done that, and as my ds is now 25, and a nice human being, with whom I like spending time, are seeing the results of standing our ground.

Women, be they Mums or stepmums are not there to facilitate the lives of young people; they are not there to be told to 'piss off' and then to carry on doing the chores that make the family home run. If the OPs lad feels he can talk to a woman like that and get away with it once; it will get repeated. I wouldn't be happy if my lad felt he could talk to women like that.

As I say to my DC often.

My job is not to be your friend or be liked it is to raise you to be a fully functioning adult.

poppycat10 · 22/05/2021 17:46

My job is not to be your friend or be liked it is to raise you to be a fully functioning adult

Totally true, I may have said this a few times myself!

ChrisWitlessPatrickUnbalanced · 22/05/2021 17:47

I said how is that fair on everyone else and he said but I wanna go to the skate park. I tried to reason with him, he kept repeating but I'm not doing it over and over then walked out the door saying I don't care. No one raised their voice, this is not how I go on with my children.

I would've said "fine, go to the skate park but you're doing it when you get back" then when he got back "don't forget you've got your chores to do...... "
If he refused at that point then he loses the PS4/phone until it's done. I just think you went in all guns blazing and it's hard to back down then, on both sides.

I wonder how many of the posters who are saying you are harsh have teenagers!!!

I think you'll find most of us do and decent respectful ones at that.

I wonder if the ones saying discipline discipline discipline are parents with adult children who forget what having a teenager is like?

SavingsQuestions · 22/05/2021 17:47

Its a real.skill to be able to reflect on how our own actions contribute in any situation .

I use some of Ross Greene's materials in my work - he is worth googling. His approach is that "kids do well if they can" amd to find ways to help them succeed. I think in general "people do well if they can" and his philosophy works for most. He has some shorter bits on you tube.

For younger children his book "the explosive child" is fantastic.

I dont think this is what OP needs but there are free level 2 courses on challenging behaviour ("behaviour that challenges.") Although OP may not be quite in that situation do many of the approaches help .

Its a change of mindset into seeing what is going on for the other person and working together to do well.

ChrisWitlessPatrickUnbalanced · 22/05/2021 17:48

So he wanted to go to the skate park before it started raining? Well yab even more u!!!!

Original poster
Sillawithans · 22/05/2021 17:49

Lol @ op seems more concerned with cleaning her house....... What a ridiculous comment. This place is bonkers sometimes.

@NewMatress he's lived in this country since he was 3 months old. No, English is not his first language. He can no longer speak his native language.

OP posts:
EL8888 · 22/05/2021 17:49

I wouldn’t tolerate being spoken to like that and his unwillingness to contribute. I did way more round the house at that age. When you live with people you need to co-exist and all contribute. I’m cooking dinner tonight but my fiancé is washing up, as lm not the hired help and it’s my weekend as well

@EveningOverRooftops exactly

Original poster
Sillawithans · 22/05/2021 17:50

@ChrisWitlessPatrickUnbalanced that was his excuse, like I said, still waiting for the rain.

OP posts:
CovoidOfAllHumanity · 22/05/2021 17:52

Those advocating an authoritarian no nonsense approach that worked for them are not seeing the context here

OP is not his birth mum she is step mum. His birth mum has rejected him
He's behind at school and having counselling
We don't hear anything about his father's contribution
He isn't just a 'naughty kid'

Not sure you can successfully be authoritarian as a step parent. The problem is that they are not securely attached to you like a child you gave birth to. They can't be sure you are disciplining them out of love. They will easily conclude you just hate them so why try to please you? So it doesn't work.

Spanglemum · 22/05/2021 17:53

Tangential but have school ever suggested why he hasn't caught up? Could be some underlying learning difficulties? Not really pertinent but it just struck me.

NewMatress · 22/05/2021 17:54

If it was all about avoiding the chores, he could have achieved that by staying in bed.

I now you're going to listen OP, but you'll achieve much more by working with him than against him.

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 22/05/2021 17:55

He's also dislocated from his native language and culture
At 15 when they are forging their own identity that really matters
I would be hugely surprised if this kid didn't have behaviour issues.

avocadotofu · 22/05/2021 17:57

I don't think punishment especially with teenagers works especially well tbh. I think you've overreacted.

Hellocatshome · 22/05/2021 17:57

@NewMatress he's lived in this country since he was 3 months old. No, English is not his first language. He can no longer speak his native language.
I thought he didn't come to Ireland until he was 7 therefore missing the first few years of school? If he was in Ireland since 3 months why didn't he go to school when he was supposed to?

Stormer · 22/05/2021 17:58

Something for posters to remember is that he told the OP to piss off by text in response to her texting him to say she was enforcing two hard-hitting punishments. He didn’t tell her to piss off when she asked him to stay and do the housework. Her response was IMO over the top - ONE punishment per action would have been appropriate, not two - and he was reacting (childishly) to that.

OP, you talk about what a great parent you are and what you do. Why is there no mention of what DSS’s father does?

It’s not surprising to me that child who should be in Year 11 but is in Year 8 is showing signs of rebelling against authority. He may be at the same academic level but physically & even emotionally? It would be quite normal for him to feel resentment and embarrassment about this. I can’t believe it’s not been highlighted more on this thread.

As it’s potentially relevant, is your DSS’s father the father of your other 3 DC as well?

GreyhoundG1rl · 22/05/2021 17:59

He's in Year 10...

TatianaBis · 22/05/2021 18:00

I’m not sure that swearing about DS and calling him names on here, yet setting no real boundaries at home, other than randomly imposed ones - which if not followed OP goes OTT apeshit and cancels his birthday present, can really be described as ‘authoritarian’.

It’s the kind of arbitrary, boundariless, emotional parenting that’s fairly common these days - but generally leaves children confused and resentful.

Original poster
Sillawithans · 22/05/2021 18:00

@CovoidOfAllHumanity he's not even a naughty kid, he gives no trouble mostly to be fair to him. I just won't be told to piss off.
@Spanglemum I think he's never caught up because he missed out on the basics in junior and senior infants where they learn all the tricks and shortcuts for maths etc
He does better in other subjects. He just does not like school work. He's very bright in other areas, he has oodles of common sense and cop on, he's just not the brightest academically. In some subjects. Has good friends, nice friends, stays away from trouble.

OP posts:
Twoforthree · 22/05/2021 18:00

I think you should talk to him, ask him to apologise and ask him to do some other chores to make it fair to everyone who did the work, maybe a little extra time as a consequence. Talk about respect and responsibilities as well as privileges.

Hellocatshome · 22/05/2021 18:03

He's in Year 10...
No he is in year 2 of the Irish school system.

Original poster
Sillawithans · 22/05/2021 18:03

@Hellocatshome he didn't go to school until he was 7.

OP posts:
Ringbinger · 22/05/2021 18:04

@GreyhoundG1rl

He's in Year 10...
The OP said repeatedly he’s in Year 8.

But that he’s 16 next month, which would make him Year 11 age wise if he hadn’t Gwen kept down three school years

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 22/05/2021 18:05

So he's usually a good kid
But lately he has started coming home late, skiving school, refusing to help and being rude to you.
At a vulnerable age with a troubled background
He's telling you by his behaviour that something is wrong I would say.

Also you mention that your mum left you at 14 and that you sympathise with him. It's good that you can understand but I would say this is a complex time for you as well as him with a child hitting an age at which something traumatic happened to you.

I honestly think at the least read some books as recommended by PP and ideally get some family therapy sessions rather than a cleaner 😀

HollyHocks13 · 22/05/2021 18:05

If he has lived in Ireland since he was 3 months old, why did he miss out on the first few years of schooling? Hmm