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Original poster

How would you punish a 15 year old who told you to piss off?

638 replies

Sillawithans · 22/05/2021 13:53

Stepson lives with me full time, no mother in the picture. Told all 4 children during the week that I wanted them to help around the house this morning and to not make plans.

He came down ready to go at nine, conversation went back and forth for a few mins, he left. I then messaged him and told him he was grounded when he got home and no pocket money for 2 weeks. He then told me to piss off and to get a grip. When I said you're grounded now he said oh ok, but I'm not.

Not gonna lie, I wanted to fucking throttle him.

I've removed his PlayStation, think I'll go for the phone later too, he will be grounded and no pocket money for at least two weeks.

He's turning 16 in June, I ordered him an IPhone just yesterday that he has wanted for a long time and cancelled it this morning, fuck that, now he can piss off. He didn't know about the phone as it was a surprise.

Little shit.

OP posts:
CovoidOfAllHumanity · 22/05/2021 16:50

On the one hand you say things are fine with him on the whole

On the other hand you describe an escalating pattern of pushing boundaries ie home very late, skiving school and then refusing to help and swearing at you

You say he didn't have plans. Then why was he up and dressed and on his way out at 9am? Suspicious behaviour for a teen around here. Not much gets my DD up at that hour. He obviously did have plans and I doubt they were on his own. You don't know what they were that were so important. How are you sure where he went and who he's with?

Seems to me that things are going badly wrong between you. You think he doesn't deserve the iPhone any more because of his behaviour but he doesn't even know he was going to get it so that will only be your own satisfaction in not giving it which is surely a bit vindictive isn't it?

I do agree he should not swear at you or skive school etc but taking away all his stuff isn't going to get to the root of why he is doing all this or find a solution to make things better. It will only alienate him and escalate things. He is going to go out anyway to his mates to play in their X box and also find his phone and steal it back. That is exactly what will happen next I guarantee.

He's hardly likely to turn everything around and agree you were right after meekly serving his time is he??

Original poster
Sillawithans · 22/05/2021 16:51

@TatianaBis he was but not severely, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Bus service in that area wasn't great and he had to get two buses home. Being told to piss off is far worse.

OP posts:
IEat · 22/05/2021 16:51

I think his punishment is harsh, he could be out doing all sorts of crap at 15. He got annoyed. We all do. Kids act up. Pick your battles,

poppycat10 · 22/05/2021 16:51

I can't help thinking that you are reacting differently because he's a step and not a natural son and you feel like you are his skivvy.

Generally my ds knows full well not to swear in front of me, never mind at me, but the occasions that it has happened I simply tell him I won't stand for it, and we start the conversation again (or he stomps off, but that's very rare).

I agree that teens have had a rubbish time. Also why does he have to do chores? Do all these jobs really need to be done or do you just want them doing? I used to have argument after argument with my parents about drying the dishes - why couldn't they just sit on the draining board and dry by themselves. It was a power struggle, and was pretty pointless.

Cancelling a birthday present is pretty mean - and I can never understand how confiscating a phone/games console has any effect whatsoever, unless taking away the latter means homework gets done.

Blossomtoes · 22/05/2021 16:52

Respect can’t be demanded - or it can, but the demand won’t be met. It has to be earned.

NewMatress · 22/05/2021 16:52

I know it's missing the point, but how big and filthy is your house?

I can clean mine (4 bed, 3 receptions) right through in about 2.5 hours. It really doesn't need a whole morning setting aside, especially if there are 6 of you at it.

Obviously he was very rude, but it seems to me he had some cause.

Original poster
Sillawithans · 22/05/2021 16:54

@CovoidOfAllHumanity it's not vindictive at all, just not going to be a mug.

OP posts:
misssunshine4040 · 22/05/2021 16:54

@itsgettingwierd

So a member of a household is asked not to make plans as the whole household needs to work together for a morning to do some jobs.

One makes plans anyway and when called out on it says "piss off"

And lots of peoples solution isn't to remove privileges but to pissy foot around?

Fuck that.

My ds is about the same age and I've always said he can have freedoms and I'll support and facilitate his hobbies and social life if he returns the respect by doing his bit within the family home.

It's called raising your children.

Exactly this
ivfbabymomma1 · 22/05/2021 16:56

I would personally allocate some weekend jobs and say they need to be done this weekend but don't specify what time? And then he is in control of his own time management? Just a suggestion I have a 2 year old and know nothing about teenagers. That's just what my parents said to me! And even know I give myself a list a jobs each weekend and just do then when I fancy!

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 22/05/2021 16:57

You say his mum is not in the picture
That's a big deal for a 15yr old
It would not be greatly surprising if at this age he started to have questions and sadness about that or if he took it out on you.

You do need to have an honest think about your attitude to him too. There is an overwhelming sense that he 'owes you' and 'should be grateful' in your posts. Does he sense that you think he should be grateful for you 'taking him on'?

I fear that things are not going to be easy for him and you in the years ahead and that you need to have a serious think about how you manage this and involve his father as well.

Original poster
Sillawithans · 22/05/2021 16:57

@NewMatress please read previous comments. My house is huge, no way could I clean it top to bottom in 2.5 hours, I wished. It would be filthy if I only cleaned for 2.5 hours

OP posts:
Ohtheplacesyougo · 22/05/2021 16:57

Saying no plans to a 15 year old when they have been locked up with covid for months is mean - can you not see that?

You need to be realistic. I wouldn’t respect you when you can’t respect the child’s needs.

Maggiesfarm · 22/05/2021 16:58

[quote Sillawithans]@CovoidOfAllHumanity it's not vindictive at all, just not going to be a mug.[/quote]
Do you feel the same way about your biological kids? I think most parents feel like mugs sometimes but it doesn't last.

MrsWhites · 22/05/2021 17:01

OP you say ‘being told off for being disrespectful isn’t going to damage our relationship’ - he didn’t get told off though did he, you’ve taken his phone, his PlayStation, his pocket money, grounded him and are refusing to buy him a present. That all comes across as over the top and vindictive. He does deserve to be punished but it’s like you kept thinking of new punishments and so added them all on!

You asked what other people would do, the majority have told you that you have overreacted in their opinion but you won’t change your stance so I don’t know why you asked in the first place.

Saying your husband can buy the phone with his money is just petty, childish and will create a good cop/bad cop situation in your home.

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 22/05/2021 17:01

Why is buying your child something expensive that they'd value 'being a mug'

Unless your relationship is all very conditional and transactional. He has to behave a certain way to get love and nice things.

I'm sorry if all you wanted were some trite suggestions on punishments but in my opinion you have an issue that won't be solved by a weeks ineffectual grounding.

Does anyone ever talk about his mum? is he allowed to say he feels sad about not seeing her. I think you should see if there is counselling available via school or otherwise

Nellle · 22/05/2021 17:01

@Toilenstripes

Give him his tech, but at an opportune moment embarrass him in front of his friends.
Do not do this.
Original poster
Sillawithans · 22/05/2021 17:02

@CovoidOfAllHumanity you're middle paragraph is way off. His mother is in his life, she's just useless. Had twins after him and they live with the father's parents. I've anticipated him feeling resentful over his mother as my own mother left us when I was 14. I'm not a monster Wink

OP posts:
Blueskytoday06 · 22/05/2021 17:02

Change the wifi code

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 22/05/2021 17:03

Despite the advice given on MN , You really are allowed to discipline children & young people to ensure they become healthy grounded adults.

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 22/05/2021 17:05

Ok just you said 'no mother in the picture'

I'm glad you anticipated the issue. I would say it is probably happening as you anticipated

I'm in no way saying you are a monster. I'm sure you are a good person and a good mother but just you might need to look at this from a different angle than 'he is naughty and disrespectful and I must punish him so that he will obey'

You not being his birth mother is relevant.

TatianaBis · 22/05/2021 17:07

So the house is so relaxed that he’s in bed until 3 and he’s out until 11 on school nights. But you throw a fit over some words?

I think need to get some perspective and some boundaries.

This is all rather chaotic and arbitrary.

TatianaBis · 22/05/2021 17:09

[quote Sillawithans]@NewMatress please read previous comments. My house is huge, no way could I clean it top to bottom in 2.5 hours, I wished. It would be filthy if I only cleaned for 2.5 hours[/quote]
So get a cleaner.

And get a rota of daily chores so the children aren’t randomly told they’re spending a morning cleaning.

Original poster
Sillawithans · 22/05/2021 17:09

@Maggiesfarm I absolutely would not do this, that is vindictive in my book.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sillawithans · 22/05/2021 17:12

@CovoidOfAllHumanity she's there in the background. He has her phone number, can see her if he wants but she makes no real effort at all, very sad for him. I talk to him about his mother, remind him that she loves him etc. She hasn't seen him since he was about 11 despite encouragement to do so. So no, not really in the picture.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sillawithans · 22/05/2021 17:13

@TatianaBis I won't be getting a cleaner. They were not randomly told. Please read the thread Wink

OP posts: