How would you punish a 15 year old who told you to piss off?

[Sillawithans]

Stepson lives with me full time, no mother in the picture. Told all 4 children during the week that I wanted them to help around the house this morning and to not make plans.

He came down ready to go at nine, conversation went back and forth for a few mins, he left. I then messaged him and told him he was grounded when he got home and no pocket money for 2 weeks. He then told me to piss off and to get a grip. When I said you're grounded now he said oh ok, but I'm not.

Not gonna lie, I wanted to fucking throttle him.

I've removed his PlayStation, think I'll go for the phone later too, he will be grounded and no pocket money for at least two weeks.

He's turning 16 in June, I ordered him an IPhone just yesterday that he has wanted for a long time and cancelled it this morning, fuck that, now he can piss off. He didn't know about the phone as it was a surprise.

Little shit.

@Sillawithans I absolutely don't think anyone should ignore being told to piss off by a child that lives with them.

Piss off from a teen is par for the course.

If you’ve taken his PlayStation, phone, pocket money - what would do if he’d bought drugs?

OTT punishment just loses you trust and respect.

I'd actually be a bit more concerned about who these friends are who he is so very desperate to hang out with today early doors and to skive off school to be with.

Exactly. Keep things in perspective.

Alienating him just pushes him more into dependence on his peers.

Stop doing anything for him; don't cook for him; don't do his washing; don't give him lifts; don't buy his food; don't sort his sports kit. Do nothing for him. When he notices that he has no clean pants, socks, clothes, is not being fed, has to walk, has to sort all his own shit out instead, he might make the connection. When you've underlined it in words of one syllable that this is the consequence of him telling you to piss off; that you are pissed off and are withdrawing your labour, time, effort and money, he will hopefully make an apology and try harder. if not, rinse and repeat.

I only had to do this for a couple of days about 10 years ago and it worked.

I'd actually be a bit more concerned about who these friends are who he is so very desperate to hang out with today early doors and to skive off school to be with

Another very good point.

@TatianaBis

Piss off from a teen is par for the course.

If you’ve taken his PlayStation, phone, pocket money - what would do if he’d bought drugs?

OTT punishment just loses you trust and respect.

Not in my house it isnt. If you accept that and then dont give any meaningful punishment, no wonder they think that they can speak to you that way!

I think OP is confused about the education system in her own country. The Leaving Cert is equivalent to English A Levels not GCSEs.

The “years” are different but is still looks like the stepson is in the wrong year…

@Lovelanguedoc

I'm often accused of having high standards. I'm beginning to think it's actually far too many parents have low standards - or none at all. 100% agree with this.

I agree.

It's not about punishing him IMO.

I have self respect, it really is that simple.

I wouldn't accept anyone telling me to piss off.
Certainly not his father, so why would I accept it from someone who lives in my home and is well looked after by me.

No male reared by me is going to think it is acceptable to speak to a woman like that and imagine if he does fxxk up and actually says those words out loud, there are not going to be serious consequences.

By the time they are 20 and if they are living at home they can think the rules don't apply to them.

The rules apply to everyone irrespective of age when we share a home together.

If the OP is being told to piss off by an angsty 15 year old, God help her when he is 20.

I'm sure teens often feel like telling their parents to piss off.....whole different ball game to say the words out loud.

If any of mine did it to me it would be shame on them, for it to hapoen a second time would be shame on me.

Channel that annoyance firmly and calmly OP.

I'm struggling to understand what happened.

"Told all 4 children during the week that I wanted them to help around the house this morning and to not make plans.

He came down ready to go at nine, conversation went back and forth for a few mins, he left. I then messaged him and told him he was grounded when he got home and no pocket money for 2 weeks. He then told me to piss off"

OK, so basically you told him about the chores, you said he normally isnt up til 3 so did he literally get up at 9 and raring to go to help with the chores??!

'Conversation went bak and forth for a few mins' what on earth happened there to change it from being ready to help to walking out and the arguments?

He's in 2nd year, the equivalent of Year 10. It's possible to be a year behind in Ireland, children needing to catch up are not passed automatically at the end of the school year.

@Miasicarisatia

Nice work, he hates you now

Proper parents who set boundaries do not worry about their children ‘hating’ them.

@LadyDanbury

@Sillawithans

Junior Cert = GCSEs

Leaving Cert = A levels

When posters here talk about their kids going to 'college' they mean a 6th form college, when Irish people (and Americans) talk about going to 'college' they mean university. So 6th form college = like the Institute or another grinds college. Its more common to switch.

Someone in Ireland is not going to get admitted to a university in the UK using junior cert results, and someone from the UK is not going to get into college/university in Ireland using GCSE results. A levels = leaving cert = baccalaureate

@LondonElle

But he wouldn’t say it at school, he is a lovely, kind, funny and clever boy who just happened to be really frustrated at that moment. He told me to “fuck off” and leave him alone and then promptly burst into tears cause he is so unbelievably stressed with the farce of exams etc this year. Why would I not hug him?

@PyongyangKipperbang

They don’t particularly, but it’s not something I’d get worked up about.

If you get wound up about words it just encourages them. If you ignore it there’s no mileage in doing it again.

Where is his dad in all of this? Are you doing all the parenting for his child as well as your own three?

Goodness! Who's the adult here modelling good behaviour?

Maybe next time you could say you want half a day of his time to help some housework, and when would that fit best with his plans for the weekend. Treat him like the adult you want him to behave as and give him a say in his free time.

It's not ok for him to tell you to piss off. But be sure when you reprimand him for that, that your own behaviour hasn't also descended to those depths.

@thegcatsmother

Stop doing anything for him; don't cook for him; don't do his washing; don't give him lifts; don't buy his food; don't sort his sports kit. Do nothing for him. When he notices that he has no clean pants, socks, clothes, is not being fed, has to walk, has to sort all his own shit out instead, he might make the connection. When you've underlined it in words of one syllable that this is the consequence of him telling you to piss off; that you are pissed off and are withdrawing your labour, time, effort and money, he will hopefully make an apology and try harder. if not, rinse and repeat.

I only had to do this for a couple of days about 10 years ago and it worked.

This so works.

My eldest son has given me attitude I don't like on occasion but is quickly calmed down when I adopt my "whatever" response to subsequent questions.

He quickly knows he has crossed the line and back tracks very quickly.

Why?

Pure self interest.

The consequences in this house is mother isn't her usual loving, fussing, caring self.

Reality bites very quickly.

He needs firm reminding of all that is done for him.

It's funny how posters who seem to agree with a reactive style of parenting think that those of us who choose to parent in a calmer way have rude and misbehaving children. For me it's the opposite, I have children for whom I am told every year they are of the best behaved in school and are kind and mindful of others. I have friends who are reactive parents and they are constantly struggling to find sanctions that will have any effect (exactly like in the OP) and looking desperately for any way to produce the behaviour they want, and it doesnt work. It's an old fashioned way of thinking that parents command respect regardless of whether they behave well - parents are allowed bad moods and off days but woah betide any child who should have a down mood and react badly to something. What we need is more compassion and well earned respect in this world

@Karwomannghia

You need to deescalate not escalate. You’re being vindictive.

I disagree.

I'd cancel his phone, too. Why g out of your way for someone who treats you like muck?

God didn't put OP on earth to be a doormat.

If I'm stressed I don't go around telling people to fuck off. And whilst I appreciate teenagers brains aren't fully formed yet I would not stand for being sworn at.... in that moment he showed you zero respect and if he "got away with it" then he may tell the next person who he's frustrated by to fuck off.
If you stated he wouldn't do it at school then he can clearly control it so why did he swear at you!!!

I would piss off and blank him for the rest of the day

I wouldn't be punishing him he will think your a joker

No wonder kids get away with shit these days theres no discpline at home

op said he previously has done other things and bunked off school-nothing wrong with taking away his stuff

poor kids having to do housework will someone think of the children-ffs

@TatianaBis

Piss off from a teen is par for the course.

If you’ve taken his PlayStation, phone, pocket money - what would do if he’d bought drugs?

OTT punishment just loses you trust and respect.

Completely agree and when they need help and advice for something more serious - guess who they won't be asking! When the punishment is harsh the lesson they learn is that you are an asshole - and they will focus on that rather than reflecting on the fact that they should speak to you in a more reasonable manner. Continue like this OP and you face quite a few battle years ahead until he moves out...you cannot keep bashing a teen over the head in the hope that they will become more reasonable - it doesn't work that way - they will just learn to stay away from home and not to trust you. We all have our moments of over-reacting before we realise it doesn't get us anywhere as the parent you are supposed to be the one in control of yourself, your the one who is supposed to be able to regulate your emotions, rather than sending grounding text off like a bloody teenager - you need to get a grip and model better behaviour. Many of the parents on here have not reached the teen stage yeyt - they don't have a bloody clue - post in the Teenager section if you want genuine help and support - or in IABU if you'd prefer to join him and behave like you're teenager yourself.

YANBU, OP. Don't listen to the cool parents.