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Original poster

How would you punish a 15 year old who told you to piss off?

638 replies

Sillawithans · 22/05/2021 13:53

Stepson lives with me full time, no mother in the picture. Told all 4 children during the week that I wanted them to help around the house this morning and to not make plans.

He came down ready to go at nine, conversation went back and forth for a few mins, he left. I then messaged him and told him he was grounded when he got home and no pocket money for 2 weeks. He then told me to piss off and to get a grip. When I said you're grounded now he said oh ok, but I'm not.

Not gonna lie, I wanted to fucking throttle him.

I've removed his PlayStation, think I'll go for the phone later too, he will be grounded and no pocket money for at least two weeks.

He's turning 16 in June, I ordered him an IPhone just yesterday that he has wanted for a long time and cancelled it this morning, fuck that, now he can piss off. He didn't know about the phone as it was a surprise.

Little shit.

OP posts:
purplefoxglove · 22/05/2021 15:48

@LondonElle

Oh and I certainly wouldn't be hugging my child if he told me to fuck off!!
Withdrawal of love and affection effectively saying fuck off back again - good luck with that approach!
1forAll74 · 22/05/2021 15:48

It seems to be the main punishment for children these days, to take away gadgets of all sorts,. it's not proper punishment, for whatever they are being punished for.

Children, teenagers,need to be sat down, and talked to quite sternly,about bad behaviour ,as in how they speak to parents etc, how they can disrupt home life, and all this stuff that is not acceptable, And also, to do some jobs in the house instead of being iffy and lazy.

Grounding and lack of gadgets won't fix things, as they will be back on the gadgets again so you will be back to square one again.

amusedtodeath1 · 22/05/2021 15:48

Ok, so he's a not so little shit. He thought he could get out of it and gave you cheek. This is not acceptable behaviour but your punishments are the over reaction here, because you've decided on them when you're angry. Once you calm down you will realise that grounding + no pocket money + no PS + no Phone + no birthday present is excessive.

wigjuice · 22/05/2021 15:48

Just called my 15 year down to empty the dishwasher, he appears, face like thunder, speaks in grunts, told him sternly to pack it in or I'd find another job for him to do, all is quiet now. They can be so frustrating when pushing the boundaries of what you will accept, he's my 3rd teenage son, I wasn't so calm with the 1st or the 2nd. I've learnt over time to handle things different.

secular39 · 22/05/2021 15:49

@Sillawithans

Not an over reaction at all, I will not be told to piss off by anyone, let alone a boy of almost 16 that I cook and clean for.

A couple of weeks ago he took the piss with something and just this week refused to get out of bed and go to school as he had a tummy ache. I came home from work at half three and he'd gone to the skate park with his friends and left the front and back doors unlocked.

I'm going against the grain but good for you. I read your OP and I wanted to give you an applaud. He would know next time to not say "piss off". I'm so glad that they are a few parents like you around.
LadyDanburysCane · 22/05/2021 15:49

@lughnasadh

Jesus, overreaction much?
A CHILD told her to “piss off”! Neither of my DCs has tried that with me but I reckon my reaction would be pretty similar.
Original poster
Sillawithans · 22/05/2021 15:50

@SavingsQuestions no power struggle, not trying to win any battle. I simply asked how other posters would deal with being told to piss off by a 15 year old. We get on very well. Being punished for telling me to piss off will not cost the relationship.

OP posts:
Ju11tne · 22/05/2021 15:50

Calm down OP. Are your other children younger? Don’t think that yours won’t ever say the same.

I think you have set a punishment and that is fair enough. However don’t take it too far and start taking other things that’s unfair. Leave it!!

mermaidsariel · 22/05/2021 15:51

[quote Sillawithans]@trappedsincesundaymorn it seems I'm a bitch of the highest order Grin had I posted that he's in prison, oh fuck where did I go wrong I'd be told that I should have disciplined him and taught him respect. But this is mumsnet where you can't win![/quote]
Of course it’s not OK that he told you to puss off or went out when he was supposed to be doing chores. However your punishment sounds quite harsh and you sound vindictive. You need to sit down with him with his father and let him know this behaviour is not acceptable. Calmly. Then think of an appropriate punishment. More chores would be mine. You just don’t mention his father in any of this. Where is his input?

mermaidsariel · 22/05/2021 15:51

Piss

Soulstirring · 22/05/2021 15:53

@Sillawithans with you 100%

Some of these ridiculous answers are why kids are so disrespectful right now.

SavingsQuestions · 22/05/2021 15:54

A power struggle is a way to describe what was happening between you and him this morning.

Theres some great parenting books that you could look at to help look at this kind of thing or to help see how our own actions affect the communication between you.

It doesnt sound like you want help with this though? But happy to post more if you want it.

SavingsQuestions · 22/05/2021 15:55

Its not about costing the relationship but what you focus on in trying to fix any "problem." Punishing vs finding a solution.

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 22/05/2021 15:55

To them what they have on with their friends is important. He had clearly told his mates he'd meet them and it would be shaming to say 'actually I have to stay in and help my mum with housework' It was hard for him to back down at that point.

You were never going to win with a 15yr old lad at that point. You can't physically pin him down. I am not saying there should be no consequences but just that by this age you have to be smart about what you can win and what you can't. He was in the wrong but if you had negotiated him doing something to help when he got back then it's win win. Right now it's lose lose. You got not help and he gets punished

I don't get what's the point of cancelling the birthday phone. It would be cruel to show him you had done that and you say you wouldn't. So he'll never know he lost out on it due to his behaviour so what is the actual point? To me if you thought it was right to get it before then has this one incident changed everything so much?
I got DD the iPhone she wanted for her b'day against DHs opposition that a cheaper thing would be as good. It wouldn't be to her. I made sure she knew that I had gone out of my way and spent more to get it. Now she owes me one. I never bring it up as such. I don't say 'how can you behave like that after I got you an iPhone?' but it's more that she knows that I understand what she wants as a teenage girl. I try to get her to see me as a person with wants and needs as well and she gets me much better presents than her dad does so maybe that worked. I tell her 'I felt angry when you did that because x' I want her to respect me for good reason. She does owe me some respect as her parent but also I she should respect me because I respect her.

secular39 · 22/05/2021 15:56

@Cowbells

Not an over reaction at all, I will not be told to piss off by anyone, let alone a boy of almost 16 that I cook and clean for.

That's where I'd pitch the punishment. Instead of getting rid of things he loves which will make him hate you, insist he says, 'Thank you for...' before you do anything for him relating to food, drink, laundry, cleaning etc, so that he learns to appreciate you. Within a day he will realise what you do for him and then you can explain why it is so hurtful to you and disrespectful of him to speak like that to someone who does so much to take doo care of him. You could also get him to ask permission to do everything for himself.

I did something like this with DS1 who attempted to be a rude little sine at that age. I made him say 'Thank you' for literally everything I did before I did it. He stopped being rude.

Very good idea!!
Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 22/05/2021 15:58

I totally support your sanctions @Sillawithans No child of mine would ever have told me to piss off and gotten away with it. They're both adults now and absolutely lovely human beings

ihearttc · 22/05/2021 15:59

@LondonElle

So you’d rather punish and alienate an already stressed 15/16 year old by pushing him further and further away?

With the greatest respect they are just words. Words which have come out of his mouth possibly at the wrong moment and aimed at the wrong person. He hasn’t killed anyone, stolen property or done drugs. My children know that I love them unconditionally and that it’s ok to make mistakes without being punished for it. I honestly can’t get worked up about swear words.

mermaidsariel · 22/05/2021 16:00

Telling your mother to piss off is not acceptable.

ForThePurposeOfTheTape · 22/05/2021 16:00

[quote Sillawithans]@Paperreceipt our gcse's equivalent is called the leaving cert which you do at about 19. He has 4 more years in secondary school.[/quote]
In England we do A-levels in year 13 (age 17-18) and GCSEs in year 11 (age 15-16)

My son is 14 (15 in August) and in year 10.

EmeraldShamrock · 22/05/2021 16:00

If he is rarely asked to help out I'd be fed up too.
When everyone calms down have a chat, he needs a bit more responsibility in the home and have respect.
I expect most 15 y.o would say piss off at some point but not helping is a more serious problem IMO.

LondonElle · 22/05/2021 16:01

Teens can be pretty awful but they don't think the way we do their brains aren't fully developed...good on you for punishing him and showing him how he talked to you is completely unacceptable, a lot of parents don't discipline their kids however we all make mistakes and kids test the boundaries, it doesn't mean he is a horrible lad or will end up in trouble in the future... set boundaries by all means but I still think losing his birthday present is very harsh....

Embracelife · 22/05/2021 16:04

Nothing. Just ignore. Show it has no effect.
Maybe say calmly
Don't speak to me like that.

What consequences are left for something actually bad and serious?

AnUnoriginalUsername · 22/05/2021 16:04

Jesus christ. One of those many punishments you've planned is enough. He told you to piss off, not even fuck off, over text. It's a very small misdemeanor.
You've cancelled his birthday present for June just to spite him.

Honestly, you do need to get a grip.

LondonElle · 22/05/2021 16:05

In response to a previous poster.... I would not stand for being sworn at, not at all... if my son went into school and told a teacher to fuck off he would probably be excluded and if he swore at boss at work or at an apprenticeship he would probably lose it... why reward the behaviour by cuddling him?!?
Yes I would probably speak to him afterwards by I wouldn't be hugging a child that just told me to fuck off!!

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 22/05/2021 16:07

I'd actually be a bit more concerned about who these friends are who he is so very desperate to hang out with today early doors and to skive off school to be with.

If this is new behaviour in a vulnerable lad behind at school then I would worry about that much more than being told to piss off. At best these people seem a bad influence at worst out of character behaviour and skiving school can be an indication of exploitation eg county lines

Are you sure you know who he is hanging out with? I know my DDs mates and some of their parents and I try to encourage her to have them over (Covid allowing) and subtly encourage friendships that I approve of.

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