Aibu to stop daughter’s therapy

[Blobbydobby]

So dd has been going to therapy since last year , she now seems stable but her mental illness is classed as severe . Dd has had a countless amount of attempts in her life and I feel I have failed her as a parent . Now she’s doing okay and I can’t afford her therapy , most charities will not take her on as she’s had therapy and she’s been on the NHS waiting list since she was in camhs , she’s now an adult aibu to stop paying for her therapy ?she’s paid for a few sessions here and there but it seems unfair to make her pay as it’s not her fault she’s gone through trauma .

So aibu to suggest she stops therapy as she’s doing okay ?

Im not describing as a luxury because it isnt massively helpful. Im describing it as a luxury to be able to have this much support privately and to be able to refuse NHS help.
Sounds like a lot of people on here have more of the backstory and info about this particular girl than i do though, and i was just trying to help.
Had plenty of mental health shit myself and still do to work through and maybe i do talk flippantly about serious stuff sometimes, but the fact remains if you cant afford it, you cant afford it

A luxury is something that most people can't afford
That's the sense I am using it in
I have no doubt that it was and is a very good thing for her DD and I would advocate trying to continue with this therapist rather than ending sessions altogether or expecting similar on the NHS which is unlikely but some element of realism has to enter in at some point surely.

Most people cannot afford twice weekly therapy sessions for an extended period of time
In an emergency I'd do this for my DD too. Of course I would
But there would have to be an end because I could not get myself into crippling debt or sell my house to sustain it especially not with other children to consider

Therapy isn't like insulin. Yes it can be lifesaving in the same way but insulin is one whole hell of a lot cheaper and less complicated. You get on a regime and you stay on it. Therapy isn't like that. It needs to change over time as needs change. It is about developing strategies for independence in the end. Dependence on a therapist is a recognised harm of therapy.
Boundary setting and thinking about endings are cornerstones of therapy
I honestly do not think I have misunderstood or am saying anything controversial here.

Lots of employers have an employee assistance program where you can see a therapist for free (as the workplace pays for it). It'd be sweet if she could get a job somewhere that provides that support.

Could you look into criminal injuries compensation? If someone traumatised her she may be entitled to money, which could pay for her therapy.

There are criteria so you’d have to look at the website and see. I think is one criteria that it needs to be reported to the police. So if this has not been done within whatever time limit she may not be eligible, but it’s worth looking into. You don’t need a lawyer to apply you can do it yourselves.

@anxietyanonymous

Can you decrease slowly? Go from Weekly to fortnightly. And then from fortnightly to monthly. Means she still has the support system for regular check ins and can call and make an emergency extra appointment if having a bad day.

Id be cautious. But that doesnt mean things have to remain exactly as they are.

This is a really good idea.

Not stopping it outright but go from weekly to every two weeks and so on.

I don't know if this helps but GiffGaff currently have a contract that's £6 per month for unlimited texts, calls and it has a small amount of data. The next one up is I think £8 which has more data. They are way more affordable. I used to be £40 a month on my mobile phone and it was like a 'big bill' (major bill) for me, whereas now it's reduced it to it not being one I think about which has helped a lot. I used to dread it as it came at the end of the month as well.

@Blobbydobby, I'm a benefits adviser and I work solely with clients with MH issues. Given your daughter's diagnoses, I'd be very surprised if she wasn't entitled to PIP.

The number to ring to get the form is 0800 917 2222, and she'll need her NI number. It would be a good idea to make an appointment with CAB or similar advice agency for about 4 weeks time, to get help with filling in the form (MIND sometimes have people who can help, too).

If she got the standard rate of the daily living component, she'd get £60 pw, which would virtually cover the cost of one session a week.

PM me if you want to know more.

Could she pay half and you pay half perhaps?

But what she is receiving is the same as insulin. Chemo. It is LIFE SAVING. Even with, mortality rate is around 10% suicide.

@branleuse and @covoidofallhumanity you have HUGELY misunderstood the needs of the individual here and the nature of the medical treatment required.

Talk to the therapist. Explain the issue. Apply for PIP. X

I've no meaningful advice on the therapy but seriously you are not a failure! Mental illness affects all ages, all walks of life.

Does she have a diagnosis of EUPD? What is the therapist doing to address the dependency that she has created? I think this is a financial commitment that very few people would be able to sustain. Good luck to your daughter and you. If the incidence of self harm is reducing she is finding other ways to cope with the strong raw emotions and every time she does she is taking a step closer to recovery.

I think you really need to talk to the therapist with a plan to cut back on the number of sessions. If the therapist is adamant that this is a bad idea, then ask for any discounts or payment plans that she can advise about.
It is an awful dilemma - we have a decent joint income but at that rate twice weekly sessions would make a dint in it very fast. Maybe better to cut back gradually in a controlled manner, than wake up one day simply unable to afford a single further session.

@TheWatersofMarch

Does she have a diagnosis of EUPD? What is the therapist doing to address the dependency that she has created? I think this is a financial commitment that very few people would be able to sustain. Good luck to your daughter and you. If the incidence of self harm is reducing she is finding other ways to cope with the strong raw emotions and every time she does she is taking a step closer to recovery.

Yes she does have a diagnosis of that and cptsd. She hasn’t attempted suicide in 2 months now so I’m proud but I want that to continue

I've no advice op but just wanted to say this must be very tough, hope your daughter does well

Instead of the gym she could go running outside maybe? Free and you get some fresh air.

When I started having therapy they recommended that if it all possible it's preferable to pay yourself rather than parents / someone else paying. I think it helps you take ownership of it or something? She might get more out of it that way. That does sound expensive though! I think cutting it down to once a week could be a good idea.

OP said upthread that her DD is member of a cheaper gym, so likely £20 per month maximum which is a drop in the ocean against the therapy costs and sounds like a helpful pastime for her.

@Blobbydobby

So dd has been going to therapy since last year , she now seems stable but her mental illness is classed as severe . Dd has had a countless amount of attempts in her life and I feel I have failed her as a parent . Now she’s doing okay and I can’t afford her therapy , most charities will not take her on as she’s had therapy and she’s been on the NHS waiting list since she was in camhs , she’s now an adult aibu to stop paying for her therapy ?she’s paid for a few sessions here and there but it seems unfair to make her pay as it’s not her fault she’s gone through trauma .

So aibu to suggest she stops therapy as she’s doing okay ?

I don't know if you're in the West Country but I have the same diagnosis (EUPD and complex trauma) and have struggled with self harm and suicide attempts, had some DB T on NHS but had a crisis afterwards and the new mh worker was horrendous and I spiralled down. I stumbled upon a charity called Breakthrough Trauma based on Bath which specialises in individual and group therapy for complex trauma. It is brilliant! I am on ESA and PIP and found a lot of private therapies either unhelpful expensive so Breakthrough has been a game changer for me and they allow those struggling with income to pay a low cost.

Proper dbt starts as pre dbt once weekly for 7 sessions followed by proper dbt which is x2 for 12 months

@Christmasfairy2020

Proper dbt starts as pre dbt once weekly for 7 sessions followed by proper dbt which is x2 for 12 months

Yes

I found DBT v helpful , ended up having two-year worth but I did find some of the trauma issues made it hard for me to engage with all of it at first so when ended felt quite lost.

@Evvyjb

But what she is receiving is the same as insulin. Chemo. It is LIFE SAVING. Even with, mortality rate is around 10% suicide.

@branleuse and @covoidofallhumanity you have HUGELY misunderstood the needs of the individual here and the nature of the medical treatment required.

Talk to the therapist. Explain the issue. Apply for PIP. X

im not sure youre being particularly helpful considering OP has said she cant afford it anymore and doesnt need guilt tripping. £65 therapy twice a week is not the same as chemo or insulin

As

Oops , ignore my last post

Is she at uni? A lot more offer counselling

No she isn’t at uni but does have an offer which she’s probably not going to take

As a victim of child sexual abuse then DBT alone is very unlikely to be that helpful. She will likely need years of intensive trauma focused therapy. I would not recommend cutting down her sessions yet unless you absolutely have to.
I don’t understand why she has no money left over after taking home £843 a month? How much is she spending on her car?
Absolutely get her to apply for pip. If she receives PIP and she also contributes to the therapy from her wage then she should be able to keep up 2 sessions PW for a while longer. If you can I would look at slowly reducing sessions after 6 months but I would expect her to be in therapy for years rather than months.