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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to stop daughter’s therapy

178 replies

Blobbydobby · 22/05/2021 08:18

So dd has been going to therapy since last year , she now seems stable but her mental illness is classed as severe . Dd has had a countless amount of attempts in her life and I feel I have failed her as a parent . Now she’s doing okay and I can’t afford her therapy , most charities will not take her on as she’s had therapy and she’s been on the NHS waiting list since she was in camhs , she’s now an adult aibu to stop paying for her therapy ?she’s paid for a few sessions here and there but it seems unfair to make her pay as it’s not her fault she’s gone through trauma .

So aibu to suggest she stops therapy as she’s doing okay ?

OP posts:
Notagain20 · 22/05/2021 09:02

Doctors can often prescribe gym membership, I had this for three months once when I was recovering from depression. Wasn't a fancy gym but it was friendly and exactly what I needed

toffeebutterpopcorn · 22/05/2021 09:03

Oh yes - a friends girlfriend had this (for mobility issues though). Excellent idea.

Notagain20 · 22/05/2021 09:03

After what she's been through, I just want to say a big well done to her for getting so far in her recovery - and to you, OP, because it must be hard for you both

Original poster
Blobbydobby · 22/05/2021 09:04

@Notagain20

After what she's been through, I just want to say a big well done to her for getting so far in her recovery - and to you, OP, because it must be hard for you both
Thank you . It’s very difficult. Especially when she’s harming her herself and in and out of hospital. I am proud of her .
OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 22/05/2021 09:04

Realistically, what can you afford? Can you afford £70 a week (£300 a month)? Start with what you can manage.

You say you’re in debt - are you getting further into debt or managing debt on top of this (I.e. stable but not getting out of debt you need to deal with?)

Original poster
Blobbydobby · 22/05/2021 09:06

@NoSquirrels

Realistically, what can you afford? Can you afford £70 a week (£300 a month)? Start with what you can manage.

You say you’re in debt - are you getting further into debt or managing debt on top of this (I.e. stable but not getting out of debt you need to deal with?)

I’m getting further into debt and even £70 a week is too costly . £50 would be more reasonable but the therapist we’ve found is actually one of the cheapest in our area and it’s still a bit of a journey for her , luckily she drives otherwise she wouldn’t be able to go
OP posts:
Dashel · 22/05/2021 09:08

Could you phone the therapist and ask them their views on when they feel your DD would be ready to reduce the sessions?

fighting2020 · 22/05/2021 09:10

I have a therapist that specialises in complex ptsd and charges £40 a session. She offers therapy via zoom so you wouldn't need to be in the same area.. I don't know if this would help you but if you private message me I could give you her website?

Original poster
Blobbydobby · 22/05/2021 09:19

@fighting2020

I have a therapist that specialises in complex ptsd and charges £40 a session. She offers therapy via zoom so you wouldn't need to be in the same area.. I don't know if this would help you but if you private message me I could give you her website?
Hi ,

I hope you’re okay x I’ve sent you a PM

OP posts:
Original poster
Blobbydobby · 22/05/2021 09:30

@Dashel

Could you phone the therapist and ask them their views on when they feel your DD would be ready to reduce the sessions?
That’s a good idea, I’m not sure how dd will feel about me speaking to her therapist or how much the therapist will tell me
OP posts:
Egghead81 · 22/05/2021 09:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Egghead81 · 22/05/2021 09:35

Not DF
DD

Egghead81 · 22/05/2021 09:36

Unless a child
Therapist will not talk to you

randomkey123 · 22/05/2021 09:37

I'd contact the therapist and be honest that it's causing financial hardship.

They're running a business, don't forget. Twice weekly may be benefitting them more than your DD.

Egghead81 · 22/05/2021 09:37

If DD an adult
Therapist wouldn’t even say she’s seeing your daughter as a patient

NoSquirrels · 22/05/2021 09:37

even £70 a week is too costly . £50 would be more reasonable but the therapist we’ve found is actually one of the cheapest in our area and it’s still a bit of a journey for her , luckily she drives otherwise she wouldn’t be able to go

OK. So you can afford to subsidise DD £50 a week. So if she went once a week she’d need to find £20 a week. If she works and lives at home with you this is very reasonable.

Either DD lets you speak with the therapist about money and funding, or she tells the therapist she’s only able to fund 1x session a week.
She can’t expect you to have no contact with the therapist and pay indefinitely.

ChannelJackieWeaver · 22/05/2021 09:38

Is she in receipt of any benefits due to her illness, maybe there is something she could claim (PIP?) and use the money for therapy. Citizens advice may be able to help.

NoSquirrels · 22/05/2021 09:38

The therapist doesn’t need to talk details of the therapy. But if OP is paying the bills she can speak to the therapist about financing.

Sssloou · 22/05/2021 09:39

I agree with filling her time with lots other activities to keep her busy and where she learns to embed the coping strategies that she is learning in therapy. So routine exercise, work, hobbies, social life, volunteering etc to keep her busy.

There are also other resources that she can access to reinforce her therapy which mayeb empowering once she is in the right frame of mind - reading (The Body Keeps The Score - Bessel Van der Kolk), loads of online information / YouTube videos from reputable sources (ask her therapist for recommendations) also relevant charities have online resources and daily mediations that come through on email which help.

Also she might find joining a group therapy session with other survivors of childhood sexual abuse and rape a productive and cost effective next step to replace one of her therapy sessions.

Egghead81 · 22/05/2021 09:40

Does she work?
Does she receive benefits?
Would you receive carer benefits?

Egghead81 · 22/05/2021 09:41

@NoSquirrels

The therapist doesn’t need to talk details of the therapy. But if OP is paying the bills she can speak to the therapist about financing.
No. She can’t. She can talk to her adult patient about financing
Original poster
Blobbydobby · 22/05/2021 09:41

@Egghead81

Does she work? Does she receive benefits? Would you receive carer benefits?
She works , Doesn’t revive benefits and I’m not sure if I’m entitled to carer benefits as she’s pretty independent
OP posts:
3Britnee · 22/05/2021 09:44

Running is free and public transport is cheaper than a car. If she can't afford therapy then she can't afford a car or gym membership. She isn't prioritising therapy because you'll pick up the slack. I wouldn't be paying for this while she spent her money on luxuries. She's taking you for a bit of a mug imo.

NoSquirrels · 22/05/2021 09:45

If she works, what are her outgoings?

What are yours?

She’s an adult, so I’d have a real cards-on-the-table look at finances both together. Everything you need to pay for and what’s coming in to the household.

spotcheck · 22/05/2021 09:45

It's only been 2 months that she is stable?

She has very complex issues, and is only 19.

Perhaps ask if she can reduce the number, but I'm shocked you would consider stopping.