Aibu to stop daughter’s therapy

[Blobbydobby]

So dd has been going to therapy since last year , she now seems stable but her mental illness is classed as severe . Dd has had a countless amount of attempts in her life and I feel I have failed her as a parent . Now she’s doing okay and I can’t afford her therapy , most charities will not take her on as she’s had therapy and she’s been on the NHS waiting list since she was in camhs , she’s now an adult aibu to stop paying for her therapy ?she’s paid for a few sessions here and there but it seems unfair to make her pay as it’s not her fault she’s gone through trauma .

So aibu to suggest she stops therapy as she’s doing okay ?

www.disabilityrightsuk.org/contact-us

Thank you for the links

www.mind.org.uk/news-campaigns/campaigns/benefits/where-you-can-find-help/

Your daughter is why there is PIP. She deserves to be able to see her therapist and for it not to bankrupt you to get her healthy. Xxxxxx

Honestly op, this sounds really challenging for you, but if this were my child's situation I would go without pretty much anything, resort to food banks, etc to keep her in the treatment that is working so well for her.

It's so hard on you.

Once she had been stable longer, I think you should engage her in a conversation about how to make the management of her conditions sustainable in the long term. It's a really appropriate question for her to talk to her counsellor about. Whether that's a referral and handover to another appropriate service in a measured and monitored way, or empowering her to increase her hours at work to self fund, or apply for government or other assistance etc. I think that's something she can decide and problem solve when she's well enough.

You've been through hell, congratulations to you on how well she's doing.

For all the posters saying to ditch the current therapy and do DBT, while DBT is a great therapy for EUPD (also known as Borderline PD) the OPs daughter has Complex PTSD as well. CPTSD requires trauma focussed therapy.

Emotional dysregulation symptoms are common to both EUPD and CPTSD. My view is that where someone has CPTSD and features of EUPD, once the trauma is addressed the EUPD resolves.

You have done an amazing job of getting her to this place.

I can see your dilemma, but I think therapeutic support is probably essential to her continuing to get better, although she may well be stable enough to drop to once a week - and if she is it would be a good step to building her own coping strategies. A few thoughts

• can you jointly write to her current therapist, and say that unfortunately this isn’t sustainable - is there anyway she could agree to £50 once a week session. She might you know - or she might have a younger colleague who would, or be able to advice a lower cost service who can.
• if not, there will be therapists who charge this (I’m in London and there are here) - they might not be quite as good, but for that price they shouldn’t be useless - if she does make a move good to have short conversations with a few so she gets a sense of who would be right
• jointly go and see her GP and put pressure on them to put pressure on NHS service (obviously this also involves your daughter being open to new people)
• talk to your daughter about the positives of gradually moving away from her current therapist - it’s part of the process of getting better - and new people will bring new perspectives
• she should definitely hold onto the gym
• it also seems sensible to defer university for a year to let her move forward a bit further.

@Blobbydobby

Yes , it would be a slow session decrease , going down to once a week , once fortnightly etc. This would also make it more affordable but I’m worried dd will resent me or get worse

Why would she resent you? Were you the cause of her trauma, if not then surely at 19 she will understand that you can't keep the high cost of this up. Like others have said, decrease over time until she is stable enough to only need occasional sessions.

No I didn’t cause her trauma but I don’t want to be the one adding to her hurt by taking away what’s helping her

two sessions of private therapy a week is a massive luxury. I couldnt afford this, however useful it would be. She needs to be realistic. All the therapy in the world isnt going to change whatever happened to her. She needs to explore NHS therapy, or there are often youth therapists up to 25 as charities, or colleges often will have trainee therapists that are much cheaper. It doesnt do her any good to become reliant on one particular therapist.

There are all sorts of things people can do to improve their mental health that dont cost £500 a month of someone elses money

@Blobbydobby

No I didn’t cause her trauma but I don’t want to be the one adding to her hurt by taking away what’s helping her

Having seen your other posts I can see why you think she might resent you but part of her therapy should cover any possible feelings like that. I can also understand why you are reluctant to decrease it if she has only been stable for 2 months. Please look in to PiPs. She sounds totally eligible and having that extra income could be a complete life changer for her in terms of being able to access the support she needs.

You sound like a great mum, Blobby, and that you want the best for your DD. She won’t resent you if you work together on this to problem-solve it. And the great news is, if she does feel anything like resentment you can suggest she discusses it with her therapist. Being open together about the financial aspect of this will help you both, I’m sure.

Most folk unless very comfortably off would find £500 a month a bit of a drain on finances. Its far far too much in your circumstances. I was thinking it would be around £150 a month. You cant afford it. Shd needs to be told.

There has to be an endgame here doesn't there? She can't have 2 x a week forever
It's great that she found a therapist that has helped her and great that you could pay. Twice a week would never be available on the NHS. Whatever she could get there would be a whole lot worse from her perspective than what you pay for. No wonder she would not want to change. She would have to start over with someone else.
I think she should carry on with her current therapist if she can and give up on NHS as it will not likely add much to what she already has but equally I think you/ she need to find a way to make it sustainable.

In NHS therapy there is an agreed number of sessions. I thought that was good practice so as not to promote dependence rather than just rationing (although it here is an element of rationing).
Therapy should be about helping a person to cope on their own ultimately so I really disagree with the American concept of lifelong therapy sessions for all.
I always feel concerned about the ethics of private therapy. It's in their interests that you pay for as much for as long as you are able as it's their livelihood but is it actually necessary or in your daughter's interests?
Surely there should be a plan to reduce to weekly very soon and then to fortnightly.

I would also think it bad if she gave up elements of 'normal life' eg the gym membership or car to pay for what is a luxury amount of therapy as again that is just pathologising her and promoting dependence on therapy rather than encouraging her to recover and get back to normal life.

It's great that she has been able to have excellent therapy that has helped her but there needs to be a balance and cutting down is the right thing to do now to make it sustainable but also to give her space to recover and do other things.

Have you considered applying to local charities ( if there are any in your area)? It's potluck I'm afraid but worth checking out the Charity Commission website or Turn2us website just in case. When I was a social worker I often managed to source additional things for people from charities.

OP, there are some people here (particularly @branleuse) who just do not understand where your daughter is. You are doing exactly the right thing by having that conversation with her.

OP's daughter will have had a HUGE amount of different therapy with various people, most of which will have been hugely ineffective. If the current therapist is working and the relationship is good, then I would be moving heaven and earth to stay there.

By 19 I had seen at least 10 different therapists, with all kinds of different therapies. I was 24 before I met the therapist that actually worked, and it saved my life. I saw that therapist for 3 hours a week (individual and group) for nearly 3 years, every single week. I was INCREDIBLY lucky that this was through the NHS.

Complex trauma is frequently commingled with BPD, and if there is also a psychosis element (as mine was) it makes it more difficult. You are doing absolutely the right thing @Blobbydobby and I have so much compassion and admiration for you.

Definitely discuss with the therapist.

@Evvyjb

OP, there are some people here (particularly *@branleuse*) who just do not understand where your daughter is. You are doing exactly the right thing by having that conversation with her.

OP's daughter will have had a HUGE amount of different therapy with various people, most of which will have been hugely ineffective. If the current therapist is working and the relationship is good, then I would be moving heaven and earth to stay there.

By 19 I had seen at least 10 different therapists, with all kinds of different therapies. I was 24 before I met the therapist that actually worked, and it saved my life. I saw that therapist for 3 hours a week (individual and group) for nearly 3 years, every single week. I was INCREDIBLY lucky that this was through the NHS.

Complex trauma is frequently commingled with BPD, and if there is also a psychosis element (as mine was) it makes it more difficult. You are doing absolutely the right thing @Blobbydobby and I have so much compassion and admiration for you.

Thank you so much .

Dd has seen a lot of different therapists and professionals in her life , this therapist has been the therapist where I’ve actually seen change .

I’m sorry you had to go through all of that .

I think it’s an amazing that she has had a breakthrough. I would do whatever I could to consolidate and cement what is now working for her. This could well be the transformative therapy that could change the course of her life and deliver true healing. I would see it as a short term investment in the rest of her life.

I wouldn’t go switching therapists to save £25 a session - I would drop the number of sessions and even go back to the therapist to ask for a further reduction with a commitment from you for another 6 months.

There's some troubling advice on here OP.

Twice weekly therapy has been repeatedly described on this thread as a 'luxury'. It really isn't for OP's daughter. She has a personality disorder, psychosis, trauma and self harm going on among many other issues. She's hardly in there navel gazing about whether to sail to Bora Bora or Hawaii. This really is life or death, and it is incredibly dangerous to pull this rug out while she is doing well.

It is a miracle that she is so well. There is a high mortality rate attached to many of her conditions, and she has multiple diagnosis piled on top of each other.

For someone like OP's daughter treatment may be lifelong, that's what she needs to be well.

It is terrible that this isn't publicly funded. But my god if my child had even one of these conditions I would move heaven and earth to keep them in the treatment that gave them the quality of life OP is describing.

Absolutely it needs to be sustainable, but for people saying it's a luxury and she needs to stop being 'dependent'... my goodness. Are diabetics wrong for being 'dependant' on insulin? Some people have complex chronic mental health issues, same as a physical issue.

She might never be 'self sufficient' in the sense of not needing medical / therapeutic management of her life threatening, long term conditions. That's not a realistic goal for some people. OP and her daughter are so so so lucky to be living as they are right now. That's the goal. Staying well is the next goal.

OP, please see your GP for your own support, and possibly referrals to services that support carers of people with significant conditions.

This really is a marathon not a sprint.

Have you spoken to her therapist about not being able to afford it. I was paying £40 but then got made redundant so couldn't afford it. My therapist put the price down to £10 a week and said the psychotherapist association she belongs to will pay the difference to her.

Worth having a chat with the therapist

I have a daughter who has suffered from severe mental illness. It’s very hard indeed. Your daughter is so very young still. Technically an adult. But as you say she can’t afford the therapy herself.

Obviously you aren’t unreasonable to stop paying for something you genuinely cannot afford. But if you can possibly afford it I would do so. Would fortnightly be manageable financially; with a view to reviewing the situation in 6 months?

If this were me (and it was not so long ago) I’d make pretty much any personal sacrifice to ensure my daughter continued to have the therapy. I really feel for you.

And oh - twice weekly therapy really isn’t a luxury to those saying it is. When DD1 was at the worst of her illness she had twice weekly therapy. Fortunately first the worst of it she was under CAMHS. It quite literally saved her life. For many conditions therapy isn’t about enhancing a person’s wellbeing it’s the difference between living and dying.

Agree that PIP is exactly for this sort of situation. Be aware that historically the system hasn’t been great when claiming PIP for less visible conditions such as mental health. Be prepared to get help to complete the firm as wording is important. The mental healthcare team and also citizens advice are often helpful www.citizensadvice.org.uk/benefits/sick-or-disabled-people-and-carers/pip/

Above all if it’s declined, please apply for mandatory reconsideration and tribunal if declined again. I’ve supported lots of people with a less visible illness who absolutely met the criteria and who were awarded PIP but were initially declined because of suboptimal assessment.

When i had private therapy for a while, i was able to discuss costs with the therapist and she charged me closer to 30 instead of her usual 55 as i was on a low income. Its worth speaking to them about it.
Of course i dont know the ins and outs of the trauma she has suffered. Its still an unsustainable amount of money that its costing right now though.