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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aibu to stop daughter’s therapy

178 replies

Blobbydobby · 22/05/2021 08:18

So dd has been going to therapy since last year , she now seems stable but her mental illness is classed as severe . Dd has had a countless amount of attempts in her life and I feel I have failed her as a parent . Now she’s doing okay and I can’t afford her therapy , most charities will not take her on as she’s had therapy and she’s been on the NHS waiting list since she was in camhs , she’s now an adult aibu to stop paying for her therapy ?she’s paid for a few sessions here and there but it seems unfair to make her pay as it’s not her fault she’s gone through trauma .

So aibu to suggest she stops therapy as she’s doing okay ?

OP posts:
Egghead81 · 22/05/2021 09:45

What does she spend her money on?

If you can do £50 a week without getting in to def
She should contribute £20

ChangePart1 · 22/05/2021 09:46

Actually, DD can give permission to the therapist to talk about her treatment with OP, if she wants to.

Therapist might not feel comfortable with it but it’s an option.

But yes in general anything to do with the therapy ranging from the content to financing it needs to be discussed between therapist and DD.

If you don’t give your DD the money or pay the therapist then that’s your part taken care of if you decide to reduce the number of sessions you are able to fund.

Blobbydobby · 22/05/2021 09:47

@NoSquirrels

If she works, what are her outgoings?

What are yours?

She’s an adult, so I’d have a real cards-on-the-table look at finances both together. Everything you need to pay for and what’s coming in to the household.

All her pay goes on her car , phone and gym . She only owned part time on a minimum wage job . She doesn’t have any other luxuries
OP posts:
Summercocktailsinthesnow · 22/05/2021 09:49

I would try and find the money axing almost everything else

AnAwesomePossum · 22/05/2021 09:52

It’s an awful situation and I really feel for both of you in this. I would be reluctant to take the sessions away if she’s only been stable for two months but it is helping, however I would suggest that she talks to her therapist about the sustainability of two sessions per week due to financial problems.

Definitely look into PIP. If she can get it, that will cover one of the sessions per week.

I don’t necessarily think removing the car (freedom) and gym (exercise and routine) would be a good idea in normal circumstances but one of them may need to go. Is there a cheaper gym she could go to? One of those £15-20 per month ones? Can you she around to work/ the farm by walking?

Blobbydobby · 22/05/2021 09:52

@spotcheck

It's only been 2 months that she is stable?

She has very complex issues, and is only 19.

Perhaps ask if she can reduce the number, but I'm shocked you would consider stopping.

I don’t really know how it works / how long is long enough of stability. This is the longest she has gone.
OP posts:
Blobbydobby · 22/05/2021 09:53

@AnAwesomePossum

It’s an awful situation and I really feel for both of you in this. I would be reluctant to take the sessions away if she’s only been stable for two months but it is helping, however I would suggest that she talks to her therapist about the sustainability of two sessions per week due to financial problems.

Definitely look into PIP. If she can get it, that will cover one of the sessions per week.

I don’t necessarily think removing the car (freedom) and gym (exercise and routine) would be a good idea in normal circumstances but one of them may need to go. Is there a cheaper gym she could go to? One of those £15-20 per month ones? Can you she around to work/ the farm by walking?

She can’t get to work or the farm without the car ,

I work 12 hr shifts so can’t chauffeur her around .
She does go to one of the cheaper gyms

OP posts:
101kids · 22/05/2021 09:54

OP could you find a cheap one that does zoom meetings?

Your stuck between a rock and a hard place OP Flowers

Blobbydobby · 22/05/2021 09:55

@101kids

OP could you find a cheap one that does zoom meetings?

Your stuck between a rock and a hard place OP Flowers

Someone has kindly sent me a link to a zoom therapist .
OP posts:
Egghead81 · 22/05/2021 09:55

@Summercocktailsinthesnow

I would try and find the money axing almost everything else
This
LizJamIsFab · 22/05/2021 09:56

I agree with pp, what about reducing to once weekly. She pays £20, you pay £50 and see how it goes for a couple of months.

She can do “gym” type things without being a gym member. Eg couch to 5k, online free HITT classes, using machines in sports centre or parks.

NoSquirrels · 22/05/2021 09:56

How much is her car?

NoSquirrels · 22/05/2021 09:57

Can she work more hours?

NoSquirrels · 22/05/2021 09:59

If she has a good connection with a therapist she trusts it is better to cut that to 1x session a week than go into zoom sessions with a new therapist at £40 a time which she may feel she still needs 2x a week. Her relationship with the therapist is really crucial.

Blindstupid · 22/05/2021 10:03

Could she claim PIP? That would pay for the sessions .....

ArabellaScott · 22/05/2021 10:04

Well done for all you are doing to help your dd, OP. My heart goes out to her, and you. Wishing you lots of strength to get through this.

I agree considering reducing the sessions is the first thing to consider. Once a week, or even once a fortnight. Ask if the therapist knows of routes to funding or reduced cost sessions.

Therapy can take years. I would ask about this with the therapist, she might be able to give at least an indication of likely timescale. And it can be very important. So I'd avoid stopping it for reasons of not having enough cash.

As pp said, she could run or do free gym 'classes' instead of paying for a gym membership.

Blobbydobby · 22/05/2021 10:04

@Blindstupid

Could she claim PIP? That would pay for the sessions .....
This has been mentioned, it’s the first time I’ve heard of PIP so I’m looking into it / how to apply
OP posts:
ArabellaScott · 22/05/2021 10:05

Yes, Squirrels, I think that's really important. Switching therapists is a big step. And £65 sounds about standard, really.

Elieza · 22/05/2021 10:06

I agree with any above posters who think she’s doing ok having a car and a gym membership while she relies on you to pick up £290 a month on average worth of therapy for her. She either doesn’t know the full state of your debt or she doesn’t care.

I think there has to be a talk about how proud you are of her but that you won’t be able to rack up much more credit card debt so we need to think now about what we can afford together long term to ensure you have support going forward.

Presumably the therapist doesn’t work every day and your daughter goes on say a Tuesday and Friday (or whatever) set days.

So she therefore will do one session after three days and the next one after four days to get two in a seven day period.

So we know your daughter can manage four days.

So you could move to every five days instead of four for two weeks. Then the next fortnight it’s every six days. Then weekly, then eight days etc.

Or start one weekly session in person session with a 50% shorter top up phone session later in the week so she feels supported.

Or one weekly session that’s regular length and one shorter.

If she says she can’t cope on less then remind her that she has the choice to spend her own money on this.

I think the key is talking about it.

Are there other expenses either if you could cut down on? Is her car in a contract so she’s stuck?

She needs a reality check.

ArabellaScott · 22/05/2021 10:10

A reality check?! My word. She's obviously pretty deep in the midst of a deeply affecting crisis, she needs support and understanding.

I'm glad her mum is looking out for her and she's getting proper help.

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 22/05/2021 10:12

I think apply for PIP as she can get it while working. Usually they reject first claim and you have to appeal it, so don't be surprised. I have experience of NHS trauma therapy and you only get 20 hours at most anyway. I only got 12 hours offered. Same issue, childhood sexual abuse. I pay for my own therapy now and actually working with a male therapist has been a very healing experience.

Can she work more hours? One extra shift a week could pay half the cost.

Problem is that therapists are in great demand at the moment so if she stops and then backslides, there's no guarantee she will be able to go back to the same therapist.

Viviennemary · 22/05/2021 10:17

Could she pay half and cut down the sessions. Thats what I'd do rather than stop altogether.

CutieBear · 22/05/2021 10:20

Has the therapist identified triggers and healthy coping mechanisms? If she’s coping well, could she have one session a month rather than every week? She could give up her gym membership to pay half. There are plenty of workouts she could do at home.

baldafrique · 22/05/2021 10:20

How much does she earn and how much is her weekly therapy session?

IvanTheDragon · 22/05/2021 10:20

Particularly if she has BPD, if she has a therapist she trusts and who has been good for her, they are worth hanging on to if you possibly can.

I think a grown up conversation where you tell her how proud you are of her, how you don’t want to take her support away but there are financial realities that can’t be avoided, so how can you work together to come up with a plan. Either with her talking to the therapist about the regularity and cost or her giving permission for the therapist to talk to you purely about financials.

Her two months of stability sounds hard-won, but it’s very little in the context of the trauma and conditions your daughter has - she is likely to need ongoing support for a long time.

So sorry you are in this position, OP. The underfunding of mental health care is shocking. Good luck to you both.