Aibu to stop daughter’s therapy

[Blobbydobby]

So dd has been going to therapy since last year , she now seems stable but her mental illness is classed as severe . Dd has had a countless amount of attempts in her life and I feel I have failed her as a parent . Now she’s doing okay and I can’t afford her therapy , most charities will not take her on as she’s had therapy and she’s been on the NHS waiting list since she was in camhs , she’s now an adult aibu to stop paying for her therapy ?she’s paid for a few sessions here and there but it seems unfair to make her pay as it’s not her fault she’s gone through trauma .

So aibu to suggest she stops therapy as she’s doing okay ?

I would speak to the therapist - I see mine twice a week and he's previously said that he would be happy to be flexible about fees in future if I need it.

Difficult. But as an adult, on a pretty decent salary, I could not afford two sessions a week for myself, let alone someone else (I know, I know, my children get loads of things I can’t give to myself, but just to put it in context).

So YANBU at all. I think you need to work with the therapist to work out a more affordable interim programme with a view to winding down.

Having your own car at 19 is a privilege. Does she need it? Would therapy be more beneficial to her?

@Blobbydobby

* big expense for me .

Sessions are £65 and she has two a week as this is what the therapist recommended after trialling once a week

Jesus Christ, £130 per week would be out of most people’s budgets!

She needs to tell her therapist she will need to move to a session per fortnight for financial reasons. Doesn’t matter if therapist thinks she needs more, if you can’t afford it you can’t afford it and if therapist doesn’t think they can work with your daughter on that basis they are free to discharge her.

And get on the waiting list for the NHS therapy. She can’t be choosy, no, though if she specifically wants a female she can request that though she will be waiting longer. NHS therapy isn’t a forever thing though, unlike private. It’ll be for a limited time to teach her coping mechanisms and then be discharged.

She needs in the first instance to go to 1 per week. Then 1 every 10 days.

How long has she been going now? Have you discussed with the therapist how long you can afford it at this frequency?

I meant as part of the therapy - I was a therapist and would usually try to find an activity that the client would want to do - exercise, gardening, volunteering - as part of their ‘treatment’. It’s good to focus on something ‘else’ and sometimes you can focus so much inwardly you only/mostly see yourself in terms of your ailment.

@Sssloou

What is her diagnosis and what meds is she on? Is her MH issue related to one event?

How many sessions is she having a week?

How long has it been since she has felt more stable? Has she told you she is feeling more stable or is it something you have observed?

Do you consider it a different and profound and sustained shift in stability?

She’s been stable for about 2 months now and she’s noticed it , she has complex ptsd with psychotic features , bpd, depression and anxiety .

The therapist has already discounted the cost from £70 a session for us and is a great therapist . Dd has had therapy whilst inpatient but never trusted or benefitted like she has with this one .

Does she earn money?

One thing to check - it's strange to me that the nhs mental health team would not see her because of crisis episodes (I work in nhs mental health and this would usually advance someone up our lisrs). Is this because she has been referred to something like IAPT/Primary care ? If so, the GP needs to refer her to a more moderate/severe MH service (in Scotland these are called community mental health teams)

It’s a really tough position to be in, I’m really sorry you and your daughter are in this situation. I think being honest with her about what you can and can’t afford, so she can talk to her therapist about it and come up with a plan, is the best way. Maybe she could go half as often, and she could pay for some and you pay for some? Her therapist may also be able to give a discount due to financial hardship, some are flexible on this and some aren’t.

The fact that she is doing better is great - but as the rules around the nhs therapy/period of stability show, now is the best time to be doing important therapy to help her heal long term, so that episodes can hopefully be rarer and more manageable. When she is in crisis a good therapist can help her weather it, but that’s not when the therapeutic work that can lead to long term improvement tends to happen.

Is your daughter not eligible for PIP? That could contribute to her therapy costs. Could she get a GP referral for a local gym to assist with her mental health?

@toffeebutterpopcorn

I meant as part of the therapy - I was a therapist and would usually try to find an activity that the client would want to do - exercise, gardening, volunteering - as part of their ‘treatment’. It’s good to focus on something ‘else’ and sometimes you can focus so much inwardly you only/mostly see yourself in terms of your ailment.

Oh yes she volunteers at a local farm in between her job and has learnt a lot of coping skills which she uses .

@TheDaydreamBelievers

One thing to check - it's strange to me that the nhs mental health team would not see her because of crisis episodes (I work in nhs mental health and this would usually advance someone up our lisrs). Is this because she has been referred to something like IAPT/Primary care ? If so, the GP needs to refer her to a more moderate/severe MH service (in Scotland these are called community mental health teams)

She has a community mental health team , because it’s trauma therapy they said the need stability. Although she’s been having private trauma therapy without the 6months required stability the nhs team want

For someone she sees twice a week I think the therapist could do a bit better than £5 a session discount.

But - long term this isn’t sustainable so you need to work towards 1x session a week from now, tapering to 1x every 10 days (£210 per month) and DD paying for extra sessions if needed.

@vonny63

Is your daughter not eligible for PIP? That could contribute to her therapy costs. Could she get a GP referral for a local gym to assist with her mental health?

I haven’t heard of PIP , is it difficult to claim whilst she’s working ? I’ll look into it

Sorry, cross posted!

Depending on the kind of trauma your daughter has experienced, charities operating in that area might be able to offer some support - the trouble is NHS support or charity support tends not to be long term, and private therapy is often the only way to get consistent, long term help, which is really unfair.

Twice a week is unusual, not many people could afford that. I would suggest reducing to once a week for a couple of months, then fortnightly. She needs to work with her therapist on building her ability to cope before she stops. If she's found a therapist who she feels comfortable with and is getting stable with, it's worth it's weight in gold so I would encourage her to prioritise it as an investment, look for a cheaper phone deal, cut down on any non essential purchases for a while.

Sadly, what she would get on the NHS in terms of therapy will be short term and certainly not twice a week. I would prioritise finding a way to stay with this therapist to keep working through the trauma symptoms, even if that's fortnightly

@IvanTheDragon

Sorry, cross posted!

Depending on the kind of trauma your daughter has experienced, charities operating in that area might be able to offer some support - the trouble is NHS support or charity support tends not to be long term, and private therapy is often the only way to get consistent, long term help, which is really unfair.

She was abused as a child up until late teens by someone (I didn’t know until it was too late) and she was recently r*ped .

I’ve tried the main crisis charities but they can’t help as she’s had therapy .

I don’t want her to be hospitalised again .

Thank you for clarifying @Blobbydobby and sorry to have asked more Qs. I understand that for trauma focused CBT theyll be looking for relative stability.

I do think a good step would be to slightly reduce the frequency and also maybe speak calmly to your daughter and her therapist together about how best to work things out?

Are there any relatives (dad?) who could contribute to the cost so you can least maintain once a week?

@WaterBottle123

Are there any relatives (dad?) who could contribute to the cost so you can least maintain once a week?

Dad has sadly passed away

• She’s been stable for about 2 months now and she’s noticed it , she has complex ptsd with psychotic features , bpd, depression and anxiety .

The therapist has already discounted the cost from £70 a session for us and is a great therapist . Dd has had therapy whilst inpatient but never trusted or benefitted like she has with this one.*

This is a really good place to be. Complex PTSD can be managed effectively once identified and coping strategies but in place which could then release her from the related anxiety and depression episodes and maybe blunt some of the BDP experience.

I would look to try to consolidate this a bit further maybe be stable for 6 months if at all possible and then look to reduce. Is there a natural break coming up in her life - is she going to uni for instance or starting a new job?

It would seem a shame after all of this time not to consolidate and cement the progress she has made right now.

I agree with a PP that £5 is not much of a discount, so don't worry about asking if they can go down further.

Given the diagnoses you've mentioned, a stable relationship with a therapist she trusts is truly the best thing she could have. If there's any way you can between you work out a way to continue, I would try. Good luck op

2 months stability is very little really. £130 a week is pricey, but less frequent sessions might be needed. Exercise is good for MH so cancelling the gym isn’t good unless she can commit to free alternatives.

How much help does she need from other people with going out/looking after herself? This would determine PIP eligibility. If she’s stable and independent, she’s not likely to get it.

@Sssloou

* She’s been stable for about 2 months now and she’s noticed it , she has complex ptsd with psychotic features , bpd, depression and anxiety .

The therapist has already discounted the cost from £70 a session for us and is a great therapist . Dd has had therapy whilst inpatient but never trusted or benefitted like she has with this one.*

This is a really good place to be. Complex PTSD can be managed effectively once identified and coping strategies but in place which could then release her from the related anxiety and depression episodes and maybe blunt some of the BDP experience.

I would look to try to consolidate this a bit further maybe be stable for 6 months if at all possible and then look to reduce. Is there a natural break coming up in her life - is she going to uni for instance or starting a new job?

It would seem a shame after all of this time not to consolidate and cement the progress she has made right now.

No natural break coming up . She does have a uni offer but isn’t sure she will take it as she wants be more stable and Its about 6 hours away from home .