Aibu to stop daughter’s therapy

[Blobbydobby]

So dd has been going to therapy since last year , she now seems stable but her mental illness is classed as severe . Dd has had a countless amount of attempts in her life and I feel I have failed her as a parent . Now she’s doing okay and I can’t afford her therapy , most charities will not take her on as she’s had therapy and she’s been on the NHS waiting list since she was in camhs , she’s now an adult aibu to stop paying for her therapy ?she’s paid for a few sessions here and there but it seems unfair to make her pay as it’s not her fault she’s gone through trauma .

So aibu to suggest she stops therapy as she’s doing okay ?

Your daughter sounds exactly like me 10 years ago. I managed to access DBT via my CMHT which has absolutely changed my life (along with permanent medication etc). I also had some EMDR but the need for stability is a tricky one. I was in SW herts at the time - they did have a good programme on the NHS. My mum was similarly frantic, we spent a long time with insurance and private therapy between hospital admissions. There is hope and it does get better! Feel free to PM me if you like.

I really wouldn't change her therapist - IMO, therapy is often much less about the actual therapy but the relationship particularly in the case of BPD/complex PTSD.

She gets £7 p/h and works around 28 hours a week

Oh poor lass, she's been through so much. And it must be so difficult for you as her mum.

Not sure how you're financing it currently, but I would maybe look at getting a loan so it's a steady payment over a fixed period - sorting out your bills etc with it and borrowing enough for a year's/six months therapy.

Hopefully at that point, she'll have access to uni resources or NHS or have more money coming in herself.

@Evvyjb

Your daughter sounds exactly like me 10 years ago. I managed to access DBT via my CMHT which has absolutely changed my life (along with permanent medication etc). I also had some EMDR but the need for stability is a tricky one. I was in SW herts at the time - they did have a good programme on the NHS. My mum was similarly frantic, we spent a long time with insurance and private therapy between hospital admissions. There is hope and it does get better! Feel free to PM me if you like.

I’m so glad you came out the other side and I hope dd does too . I’ll hold on to this bit of hope .

I don’t think dd needs a reality check , I think she’s very traumatised and she works hard for what she does have

So sorry you're going through this. If you need some support for you I recommend joint a private FB group called Parenting Mental Health. It's such a great source of advice and support from other parents coping with the same. It's been a lifeline for me x

OP I am so sorry to read this and there are no simple answers. The support for mental health is dire and you are helping you daughter as best you can.

Given the existing relationship, and her reliance on her therapist would her current therapist consider two shorter zoom session, or possibly one longer, one shorter zoom session a week as a way to reduce cost and reliance.
Also, do you know what kind of therapist she is seeing? Counselling? Something other?

She only earns a couple hundred a month less than I do. I'm struggling to see how she can't afford to pay half her therapy costs tbh.

Her phone and gym membership can't be costing her more than what? £150 a month at most?

And she is earning £784 a month. Wtf is she driving that costs her £500 a month?

When I said she needs a reality check I should have clarified that I meant a financial reality check, because the credit card will end up being cut off and then there will be no support at all suddenly and that could be horrendous and would likely undo all the progress.

I work in mental health. We have lots of people waiting quite a long time for psychotherapy, and that’s the case all over the country. If you can go private, you get seen quickly and you reduce a lot of the distress and stagnation caused by waiting for things to happen.

How long her therapy would last for also depends on the type of therapy she’s receiving. I imagine she’s not having one of the shorter, more focussed therapy modalities. If she’s having trauma confused psychodynamic therapy or something similar this could take several years to complete. I’ve seen people take 7-8 years to recover from similar types of trauma, although there’s no guaranteed timescale by which you can expect a result. Based on what you’ve said about your daughter’s past, I think you have to consider this kind of timescale a possibility. While changing therapist may be possible, there’s something to be said for sticking with the therapist she has a good relationship and is making progress with and their style of therapy. This is not just because she likes them, but because the therapist takes up a role akin to a parent and it can sometimes be quite traumatic severing that relationship. Ending the relationship prematurely then becomes another issue that needs dealing with in therapy. I know someone upthread has found a £40/hour therapist, but a word of caution - therapists work in different ways (by that I mean using different types of therapy) and a huge part of more involved therapy is the client-therapist relationship. So the person who’s helpful to someone else may not be helpful for your daughter. While £65 sounds steep, its a fairly usual price for a 50 minute therapy appointment.

As others have said, getting some information from the therapist about timescale would be useful. I know none of what I said solves the financial issue you face, but I thought it worth explaining why trying to do it cheaper may be a false economy.

No I would stop. She needs dbt which starts as pre dbt then full dbt on the nhs

@Christmasfairy2020

No I would stop. She needs dbt which starts as pre dbt then full dbt on the nhs

She had dbt whilst in hospital and then got referred for trauma therapy

@NotAnotherAlias talks a lot of sense. It's great that's she's more stable and making progress but two months is nothing. She had years of trauma. It's not unusual to need years of therapy. No longer being suicidal is a very low bar and there is a lot of work to be done so she can build on that. Just because the NHS only offers minimal stints of therapy doesn't mean that's enough by a lot stretch. I understand it's more than you can afford and one session a week might have to be the compromise, but as this therapist is working well for her, I would be loathe to shop around for a cheaper option and go back to square one. Your DD sounds like she's doing great with her work, exercise and farm. It's a very hopeful story. I don't think you'll regret whatever you can do to keep things going in that direction, whether it's managing to get PIP, cutting back on absolutely everything else, selling things or getting extra work. This feels like a crucial point and I'd want to see her more stable for much longer before I ended her therapy. I hope you can find a way.

Yes she can get PIP while working. It's supposed to help make it possible to work, which the loss of her therapy will threaten by the sounds of it. Obviously with her permission, I suggest you look for a professional organization to advise how to fill in the form, and to some extent do it for her as she doesn't sound in a great space to be doing it.
Filling it out tends to be painful, depressing and intrusive and you need to understand how to respond to it and where to put specific information to succeed. As pp has said, it's quite normal to initially be refused and have to appeal, but filling it in well in the first place reduces that.

Given what you've said about your work, you're unlikely to be entitled to carers allowance even if she needed the required hours of care. On the financial side you can only earn under aprox £130 pw to qualify regardless of severity of caree's needs.

Assuming BPD to be Borderline rather than Bipolar, I've seen the results of DBT and would highly recommend it, even if it has to be fought for.

If she does go to uni, she should be able to get help through disability services. Dependent on the uni, sometimes can be better and swifter than NHS. Services should definitely be a consideration on choosing if she goes.

So she earns around £800 a month and does she live with you?

Phone contract ~ £50 a month?
Gym membership ~ £50 a month?

So approximately £700 goes on her car? As you say she has no spare money.

While you spend over £500 a month on her therapy.

You say you can afford £200 a month. I suggest it’s fair that she meets you halfway and pays £200 too.

If she has to give up her very expensive sounding car then that’s what she needs to do.

Her mental health needs to be a priority. She’s had terrible trauma and needs to have therapy that’s undeniable. Poor girl, I’m glad she’s getting help, you must be so worried about her.

I would absolutely start a PIP claim but that's not going to help you in the first instance. Waiting times for an assessment are long, at present. You're probably looking at least three months for a new claim and that's if you get awarded it on your first try. If you have to go to mandatory reconsideration or tribunal then you will be looking at much longer. Don't let that put you off though, it sounds like your daughter is very much entitled to it, just appreciate that it won't be a quick fix in the short term.

I think your only option at the moment is to cut down on the therapy sessions, unfortunately. I hope your daughter can continue to improve.

She cant really afford to run a car on what she earns. Does she pay you anything towards household expenses. You are ending up subsidising her choices. Not on.

Ps I also wouldn't be stopping what she currently has unless there really wasn't any other option. It's very early days and a long path for you both to travel.

What a difficult situation and well done to DD and you for persevering.
Some good advice.
You can't afford the therapy but she is benefiting from it and maybe needs it.
I wouldn't change therapist if she has a good relationship but I would do as others have said and try to reduce to once weekly if possible.
PIP is a good idea .
DD is obviously aware of the benefit to her of the current therapy and is earning enough to at least partly pay. She would be taking some control over the situation by doing this and I think you need to really talk to her about the finances now and that the current arrangement is unsustainable. It is a very good use of her wages. If something has to give then the gym is definitely a luxury. There are many other free ways to get regular exercise.
Best of luck to you both.

I also wonder if there's more resources that you can be accessing for advice and support as you not knowing about PIP nor knowing whether two months was enough stability makes me feel you've not got all the info you need. Not blaming you at all, just thinking there must be useful books, online networks, charities, support groups etc that would be able to advise you and help you understand her needs now and going forward. Hopefully someone here can point you in the right direction.

Thank you everyone for the advice .
I’ve spoken to dd and we’re going to sit down properly and go over her finances so we can agree on an amount she contributes toward therapy .

I agree with that too. I've been in therapy for a year and a half and I can't see me finishing any time soon. We've acknowledged that we're talking years rather than months.

OP if you contact specialist charity or citizens advice about applying for PIP they can fill the forms in with you and dd.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/benefits/sick-or-disabled-people-and-carers/pip/before-claiming/check-you-are-eligible/

www.benefitsandwork.co.uk/forum/10-dla-esa-queries-results/130091-dla-to-pip-with-severe-complex-ptsd