It is me or the dog

[lockdownloopylalala]

We have been together for nearly 2 years. The first year was great and it still can be now. When we are good we are really good, when we are not it is shit.
Through lockdown it has been hard. I had to work from home and he was doing shifts on site. For the most we worked round this. There was a clash as he was still continuing to see people at work, where I spent all week on my own, locked in 4 walls. We are both tired.
He moved in for the first lockdown. As part of this, we moved his dog in.
The dog- the dog is 17 years old, blind, deaf, has parkinsons, arthritis and while not incontinent, basically pisses wherever he wants at any time. It stinks-not just doggy smell, really old pungent dog smell.
I cannot handle that. I am not sure many people could. To have your kitchen soaked in urine and be constantly cleaning up. I tried nappies (the special dog ones) but just spent my day taking it off and on to allow him to go outside. At night it was saturated and the sofas where he slept also had to be washed daily. It was exhausting and couldnt go on. The final straw was when he went to attack me- this was shortly before he had a stroke, so I accept the aggression was part of that.
Over subsequent lockdowns we were able to form a bubble so OH stayed at home with the dog and we saw each other at the weekend.

Now it has reached a point that at the weekend he comes round for a few hours at a time, but has to go back to the dog every few hours. For example, he will come round late Friday night, stay the night, we are both up early I go shopping or out for a few hours while he spends time with the dog, I will pick him up at lunchtime, we have the afternoon, he goes back to the dog for an hour or 2, then comes back here to sleep. So this continues. In the few hours he is at my house I have to do his washing, ironing and cook for him, so I actually don't see him very much and am tired from it. I work all week and get no rest at the weekend.
I used to work in animal rescue and love animals. I am fully aware the dog is in a bad way and the kindest thing now would be euthanasia, but OH will not consider that. He clamps down and just says 'he is my mate' (like that is ok?). I cannot tell him to put the dog down as that is not my decision.
AIBU?
I feel I am being put 2nd place behind a dog. I feel rejected and like I have to compete for OH attention. I do everything to make OH life easier (hence the cooking, washing etc) but he treats it like a hotel. Even when here is sitting thinking of the dog so I have guilt I am taking him away from it (I dread the day the dog has nother stroke while OH is here. I will be guilted because he wasn't there).

This isn't normal behaviour.
AIBU?

Your partner is being cruel in keeping the dog alive. If he really loved his dog then he’d let him go.

You are bu doing his washing and ironing. I don't get that at all. Ridiculous.

Yanbu about the dog.

Stop doing OH chores, spend more quality time with him and less doing his wife work. Go to his and spend time with him whilst the dog is there. Just because the dog is old and incontinent it does necessarily mean he needs putting to sleep. If he eats, gets out for little walks and isn’t in pain then he’s just old and needs love and patience.

You have 2 issues here: 1. That poor dog has no quality of life and needs to be PTS. 2. Your OH is a selfish twat. Why are you doing all his washing and cooking? Why are you the one cleaning up after his dog?

Kill two birds with one stone - do the kind thing and take this poor dog to the vet, then find a new boyfriend who treats you, and animals, with some respect.

If this is real, you’re jealous because his loyal dog buddy is dying and after 17 years of ownership, and he hasn’t dumped the dog for you?

By all means stop cleaning up after your partner, not sure why you are doing his washing anyway, but beyond that, get a grip.

Either dump him or don’t dump him, but the dog would come first to most dog owners.

What breed has he managed to keep alive until 17? That’s very impressive.

The dog will die very soon sadly. So the problem will be resolved in that sense. However the selfish behaviour is unlikely to change so you need to think about what you really want and deserve.

Why on earth do you ‘have’ to do his washing, cooking etc? I’m sure you manage to do your own, so why can’t he do his? I wouldn’t want a partner who was useless and thought it was the woman’s job.

He definitely needs to put the poor dog to sleep.

I don’t know what you’re getting out of this relationship. He’s getting a maid who runs around after him, how about you?

You have my sympathy, OP. We have an old dog. We took him in knowing that he didn’t have long to live because we didn’t want him to die in a shelter. He has cancer, arthritis and is blind. We both said that we will do everything we can for him and we will love him until the very end (and we adore him) but the day we find ourselves cleaning up urine and feces in the house is the day we say goodbye. It’s no life for him. It must be distressing for the dog. We have already agreed that our final gift to our old dog will be a dignified death. There is no way I could have him sitting or lying in his own waste. I love our dog too much for that and you are right that euthanasia is the kindest option now for your boyfriend’s dog.

I have no relationship advice for you but wanted to let you know that I totally get what you are saying about the dog.

In the few hours he is at my house, I have to do his washing, ironing and cook for him

I can’t get past this. No you don’t have to do those things. If a man brought his washing and ironing round for me to do I would laugh at him.

I am on the fence about the dog.

In the few hours he is at my house I have to do his washing, ironing and cook for him even without the dog this is too much. You've only been together nearly 2 years and one of those was a lockdown year. He is using you as a maid from the sounds of it and you only see him at the weekend if I've understood right. I don't think it's fair on the dog to make him choose between you, I'd just go as you don't seem to be high up on his list of priorities.

I fully appreciate the dog is not in a good way. I worked in animal rescue for 6 years and have had to make awful decisions for the best consideration of the animal. It is upsetting and nobody wants to make the decison.
BUT I cannot MAKE him do it. Nor can a vet. It has to be his decision.

@Peace43, I DO care for the dog. I give it love and patience and understand he is old. He eats (well as OH gives him a diet of steak, cooked chickens etc). I have got OH to give him Metacalm daily to ease any pain. I have tried my best for the dog in it's twilight years

I cant spend time at his house. I find it unhygenic. He lived with his nan until she died 20 years ago but since then has done nothing to the house- same carpets, same furniture etc. EVERYTHING has been pissed on or not cleaned properly. If I sit on the sofa there is about 10 years of dog hair, the smell is overpowering and I feel really uncomfortable with it. I do his washing etc because it is done correctly and is clean!

I am happy enough doing the wifey chores if he would give something back. I am asking for his time and understanding that it is not all about the dog. He doesnt drive, so I do all that too. I take the dog to the country (good for it to have fresh air and proper outside walks, not just treading the pavements) but it just feels I have got to do everything and take the dog wherever we go.

I cant see what he does for me anymore. Yet, when we are on form I love him and want to be with him. If we had more time together we could work through this, but I cant sit on the sidelines waiting for the dog to pass.

So he's working shifts and also spending a few hours at a time with you, how much time does he even spend with the dog? He's being selfish; when you take on the responsibility of an animal, it has to be with the understanding that you may have to make the decision to let them go one day.

As far as doing his chores, I'd stop that nonsense immediately.

What on earth sre "wifey chores"

@BritWifeinUSA thank you for understanding about the dog.
I DO want the best for it and wish him no harm. He is a nice little thing and I am fond of him. I have done my best for him too.

It is not the dog itself. I wish it no harm and it is not because he is old that there is a problem. He is blind, deaf and arthritic. I think he is in pain, but OH will not see it. I know what I would do as the kindest thing, but appreciate that is hard.

I am not asking OH to put the dog to sleep for me. It is not a question of that, nor would I ever want him to. It isnt the pick me dance. Any decision is in the best interest of the dog.

OH will not see the other side of how much I do to allow him the time with the dog. I feel less worthy than a dog, which is really hard.
I just want more time together and a way round this for everyone

Ugh, I love animals but would not accept that.

I think you need to cut your losses and split up with him. His dog has only been old for some of the 20 years since his grandmother died and his house is disgusting, why? If he isn’t making an effort with you now what will he be like after 10 years? Easier to meet someone else now rather than when you are older and now you can you out again and meet people. You aren’t his mother or wife, you’re his girlfriend, look after you.

I voted YABU because I can't understand why the hell you are running round looking after this man. You're right about the dog though, his quality of life is not good and animals mask both their pain and don't show it the way humans do. A few years ago we had something similar with DP's dog. DP was working away most of the week so it was me looking after the dog who was not in good health. DP would not get it into his head that it was cruel to let the poor dog struggle on. We nearly split up over it.

Have you told him how badly his place stinks of stale dog piss? That's really awful and it sounds like he needs some serious lessons in cleaning. You definitely shouldn't have to do it.

I still can’t see why you have to do his washing and ironing? Or ‘wifey’ chores. Let him do his own fucking washing when he’s at home looking after the dog.

You don’t have a day when he puts his dog to sleep and sometimes it can be so hard to make that decision. Where the hell is the vet in all this though? Why aren’t they stepping in and saying the dog needs to be PTS? When my mum put her dog to sleep, the vet confessed to her after that if my mum hadn’t made the decision, it would have probably only been a day or two before the vet stepped in.

I’m also concerned that you’ve been together for two years and “when we’re good it’s good but when we’re not it’s shit”. I know lockdown has put some pressures on relationships that wouldn’t usually be there but at two years in, you shouldn’t be looking for the highs of the relationship to pull you through the bad. It should still be mostly good at this point.

You are with a man that lives in filth.
Never mind the dog, how can you bear to be intimate with someone who lives in those kind of surroundings?

In the few hours he is at my house I have to do his washing, ironing and cook for him

Stop doing this nonsense, spend the weekends having fun with or without the bloke, and stop auditioning to be someone's servant.

I'll never understand why some women think scrubbing dirty pants and serving dinner is what they bring to a relationship.

He should not be leaving his dog alone overnight or for hours. You should not be doing all his chores.

Would he care OP if you stopped doing all these chores for him as it does sound like you are the only one in the relationship who thinks they are a priority?

He really is being cruel to that poor dog who has no quality of life. He shouldn't be leaving the dog overnight to stay with you either, what if he's in pain and needs help. That's what, 8-10 hours he's alone? Awful.

Putting that aside, is this really the man that you want to spend your life with? His house is so unclean you won't go there, he treats you like his servant and he isn't prioritizing the health of his very old and unwell pet.

I admit I am a codependant. I thought I could 'fix' this.
He lost his way in life and thought the way his nan taught him to live is the way it should be. The world moved on but he hasnt. He still does is banking with the old pay in book- will not use contactless or online banking etc. He is just stuck in the past.

BUT he works very hard and is a good man. He is kind and funny and we get on well.

If we were living together, all this could be ironed out. I wount resent doing the wifey things because it would be in our space, not him bringing me his washing to do (because he is crap at it).
I dont mind doing his chores but I do mind that everything is about the dog.
As a GF surely I deserve some time too? This is what I am asking AIMB. It possibly is jealousy about the dog but only because I do not seem to factor in to any equation. I cannot keep being pushed aside for the dog. That cant be normal? Do I not deserve some time too? Am I right to feel this low and rejected bacause of it?