It is me or the dog

[lockdownloopylalala]

We have been together for nearly 2 years. The first year was great and it still can be now. When we are good we are really good, when we are not it is shit.
Through lockdown it has been hard. I had to work from home and he was doing shifts on site. For the most we worked round this. There was a clash as he was still continuing to see people at work, where I spent all week on my own, locked in 4 walls. We are both tired.
He moved in for the first lockdown. As part of this, we moved his dog in.
The dog- the dog is 17 years old, blind, deaf, has parkinsons, arthritis and while not incontinent, basically pisses wherever he wants at any time. It stinks-not just doggy smell, really old pungent dog smell.
I cannot handle that. I am not sure many people could. To have your kitchen soaked in urine and be constantly cleaning up. I tried nappies (the special dog ones) but just spent my day taking it off and on to allow him to go outside. At night it was saturated and the sofas where he slept also had to be washed daily. It was exhausting and couldnt go on. The final straw was when he went to attack me- this was shortly before he had a stroke, so I accept the aggression was part of that.
Over subsequent lockdowns we were able to form a bubble so OH stayed at home with the dog and we saw each other at the weekend.

Now it has reached a point that at the weekend he comes round for a few hours at a time, but has to go back to the dog every few hours. For example, he will come round late Friday night, stay the night, we are both up early I go shopping or out for a few hours while he spends time with the dog, I will pick him up at lunchtime, we have the afternoon, he goes back to the dog for an hour or 2, then comes back here to sleep. So this continues. In the few hours he is at my house I have to do his washing, ironing and cook for him, so I actually don't see him very much and am tired from it. I work all week and get no rest at the weekend.
I used to work in animal rescue and love animals. I am fully aware the dog is in a bad way and the kindest thing now would be euthanasia, but OH will not consider that. He clamps down and just says 'he is my mate' (like that is ok?). I cannot tell him to put the dog down as that is not my decision.
AIBU?
I feel I am being put 2nd place behind a dog. I feel rejected and like I have to compete for OH attention. I do everything to make OH life easier (hence the cooking, washing etc) but he treats it like a hotel. Even when here is sitting thinking of the dog so I have guilt I am taking him away from it (I dread the day the dog has nother stroke while OH is here. I will be guilted because he wasn't there).

This isn't normal behaviour.
AIBU?

Frankly your relationship sounds piss poor with or without the poor dog.
It's up to your partner as to when he puts his dog to sleep but you of course don't have to put up with it. Ball is in your court.

You're with a man who insults & swears at you, gets you to do all his washing & ironing. A man who doesn't seem to take into account the fact his dog is suffering.
You mention his unhygienic house. Surely the dog has only become old and incontinent in the last few years? He's lived there for 20 years and not done a thing... It's not the dog stopping him.
The dog is the red herring here.

When the dog passes away he's still going to live in a hovel, expect you to do his chores, speak to you badly and generally treat you like you're bottom of the pile. You deserve more than this. You want a relationship, he wants a mum.

So he:

• can't work a washing machine
• let his dog piss all over his clothes
• can't figure out how to pay with a card / contactless
• hasn't decorated or replaced pissy furniture for 20 years
• lives in squalor
• called you 'so fucking middle class'
• only sees you once a week so you can do his laundry

What the hell are you doing with him OP? He sounds absolutely feral. This is a man who can't even take care of his most basic needs. You are codependent so you're probably thinking "I can take care of him! I'll do all his washing and cleaning and he'll love me!" But it doesn't work like that. He doesn't even care for himself; what makes you think he'd care for you?

Please get some therapy to address your low self esteem and why you think this is a relationship you should stay in.

Do you have friends or family? You mentioned that you spend 5 days a week alone so it sounds like you don't have other things going on in your life. Can you try to connect with other people?

I think this is quite a common issue for women. As others have posted, it's not really about the dog.
You've taken it upon himself to do his chores as a demonstration of selflessness and now you resent your self-imposed obligation.
Just stop and spend time at his place instead. If he has had his dig for 17 years and has known you for 2, it is going to be important to him. I don't really understand this expectation that women have to displace every other person in a man's life within a year.

@Voomster953 I had a Rough Collie who lived until the age of 17 and even more impressive my last girl, a Border Collie was 21!

Both of them had no illnesses or issues until they just got into their beds and died in their sleep. We were incredibly lucky.

OP you need to tell you OH that as his dog is his best mate he has to face the truth and let him go before the suffering gets worse.

You are not happy with the way this man is:

• he is happy to live in dirt/old belongings

-he sees you as a lower priority than his dog

• he is helpless with life things (washing - banking- ironing- shopping-cleaning...)
• he doesn't drive

You blame his nan and his dog for all the problems and think that the death of the dog will magically change him.

Actually- this is the man he really is.
Are you compatible?

If he is a child ... you might be able to change him.

It is a very old mistake to think you can change a man who doesn't feel any need to change himself.

I genuinely think there is a good man here

OP this is your mistake.

A 'good man' doesn't treat you so disrespectfully, using you essentially as an unpaid cleaner and general dogsbody.

A relationship is not meant to be about digging down to find the possible 'good man' hidden below.

@Donitta

He had the dog before he met you. Of course you come second. What did you expect? Honestly, get over it - you’re jealous of an elderly dog. I dread to think how you’d behave if you had children and realised that you no longer come first because the children do. He should break up with you and date someone more mature.

Insane. Completely & utterly bonkers - and unable to read the full thread or even just OP's posts. 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP you're acting like a domestic servant for a guy who doesn't sound much of a catch. I really would get rid.

I really feel for you OP. You’re not the first and won’t be the last woman to feel compelled to try to ‘change’ a man, or to be drawn to him because you like the idea of him needing your help. It’s a trap plenty of us have fallen into at some point.

In the two years you’ve been together, though, has your love and support actually changed him? Or have you found yourself taking on more and more to ‘help’ him for less and less thanks?

For those who have shown an understanding, thank you.
That is not hand picking what I want to listen to but the comments are fair and I have.
The point is I don't know if he can change- or wants to. I do see a good man, but I also see what you are saying that this is not what a relationship looks like.
I expect a relationship to be 50-50, where both parties support each other and want the best for each other. There are bad patches in all relationships, and my coming on here is to assess whether this is resolvable or not.
I genuinely do not want this man to be on his own, and hate the thought of it. I am not sugar coating the good not to see the bad, and am trying to see it from all sides.
What is clear is it is not 2 ways and I am not getting my needs met. I feel unsupported and frustrated.
From your comments, it has made me see it is not about the dog, it is the relationship which is flawed.

I do see a good man, but I also see what you are saying that this is not what a relationship looks like.

A drinker, a narc and now a man who lets you skivvy around for him. You don't know what a good man looks like. And you can't martyr yourself to turn a shit one into a good one.

I think you desperately need counselling to work out why you value yourself so little (my guess, childhood trauma). In the meantime my list of minimum standards:

Can keep a home clean tidy and in good repair
Can deal with household admin
Can regulate his emotions
Doesn't use substances to do the above
Has good relationships, whether with family, friends, work etc
Isn't sexist
Isn't any other -ist
Understands consent
Makes my life better for being there.

And those are the MINIMUM. Not the norm, which is higher.

I agree the dog needs putting down but at the same time, I would never choose a partner over my pet

How old is Oh? He sounds like someone's mad old great uncle who never married and smells a bit foi sty 😦 Please move on, he will get worse not better.

Your domestic arrangements about food and laundry are between you and him. I'm more concerned about the dog he can't pts but can leave home alone all day and night and only makes a couple of hours of time for when it suits him. That would be all I needed to know about a boyfriend and I'd be out of there!

I'm heartbroken for the poor dog, walking around and bumping into stuff and suffering on his own until he is deemed worthy of spending time with.

My dog is of a very similar age and in great shape with no medical needs and I wouldn't dream of leaving him alone over night! It is bad enough I have to go to work and I know he sleeps all day but gone all day and all night is cruelty and neglect. I would be refusing to let them stay over because of their commitments to caring for their dog.

he is 49

@MrsTerryPratchett. Yes, there were issues in childhood.
As for the list, which is good to see-
Can keep a home clean tidy and in good repair-- not well, no but may need guidance? This can be sorted?
Can deal with household admin- he deals with it, just in a very old fashioned way. No direct debits or credit (HP etc), but goes in to the bank and pays everything on time every month. Does not overspend and has savings.
Can regulate his emotions-- is not a talker (his childhood?) but keeps all emotion under control. Is not angry or confrontational. It is however like getting blood out of a stone at times.
Doesn't use substances to do the above- no substance abuse
Has good relationships, whether with family, friends, work etc- actually yes. Is very highly thought of in and out of work. Have never heard a bad word about him. We work at the same place and I know this.
Isn't sexist--strangley not at all! His nan was a strong woman and he is very good at supporting women in all manners. Still holds the old traditions and values about women. This is not all bad.
Isn't any other -ist--no, he is no isnts and is fair and understanding of all (except middle class or those in power who exploit the system)
Understands consent-- YES
Makes my life better for being there.- yes. in many ways. He is faithful and loyal, kind, hardworking.

There are positives. It is how much the positives outweigh the negatives. He is resistant to change and living in the past, but this could be worked on? I just dont know how

Isn't sexist--strangley not at all!

Yes he is op. He's not embarrassed that you do all this work (please don't call it wifey chores. They're not. They're chores. Having a vagina died not make them woman's work)

He's quite happy to see you do these chores. He's a grown adult. If he can hold down a job he can do his laundry.

He IS sexist. And what on earth do you mean by 'still holds all the traditions and values about women'?

His nan may well have been strong. I bet she did all the housework though.

Isn't sexist--strangley not at all! His nan was a strong woman and he is very good at supporting women in all manners. Still holds the old traditions and values about women. This is not all bad.

How can you say this when he is happy for you to run about cleaning up after him? And sorry if I have misremembered but isn't that what his man used to do for him too? So he doesn't like 'those that exploit the system' but doesn't mind doing the same to the woman he apparently loves?

Also, why do you want to 'sort' him with guidance in how to keep a clean home? The man is almost 50 years old! He knows what has to be done, he just cba and doesn't need to due to to him holding 'old traditions and values about women'.

*what his nan used to do, not man.

Is it entirely possible that some women are ok with doing the chores? I am perfectly capable of DIY although still see it as a 'blue job'. I really enjoy cooking and cook from scratch. This is because I enjoy it. I actually dont mind ironing- I prefer my clothes ironed and folded in A4 to fit in drawers. That is the way I like it and that is OK.
I did take on his washing and ironing, BUT i did not mind doing it. Certainly when he was living here. I do not like having a bag of it brought round with the expectation of having it done in the little time I see him. THAT I dont like. I may have inadvertently created this situation by trying to help.......but is that my fault or his?

Not everything has to be mumsnet PC. It is OK that I enjoy household chores (in my own time). I ask him to lift heavy things or scrub pans or do other jobs around the house.
It is OK to do something you enjoy whether it is a mans job, womans job, neither or both. It doesnt HAVE to have a name.

There are no such things as a 'blue' or 'pink' job. It's just shit adults need to do. You've been given suggestions and advice of not running around after him as it has created this expectation. He shouldn't take it for granted that you will clean up after him but he has and the only way to put a stop to it is to cease doing his washing etc.

If you want to keep doing it then do so, but don't expect him to suddenly change and behave in the way you want. If it was as simple as asking him to change then that would have already happened by now wouldn't it?

The dog is not the problem here. Taking care of an older animal is time consuming, but there is time for you to do fun things together as a couple. But he would rather you spend that time doing his chores for him rather than doing fun things. Does that not make you pause to consider how he sees your role in this relationship? Your role is to do his chores. First and foremost. The rest isn't so important.

He could get a new washing machine and do those chores at home during the week so that he is free to spend time enjoying your company, but he is choosing not to. Stop infantilizing him. Of course he can work a washing machine, he just doesn't need one because he has you instead. If he can hold down a job, he can wash and dry clothing.

Something can be sexist and you can choose it. And that's OK if that's your choice. I couldn't make that choice. It's not about something being 'PC' which is just a way of mocking an expectation of equality.

But do you see that even if it's your choice, HE shouldn't think it's OK for a woman to be doing these things for him, unless he's sexist. And he should be embarrassed not to be able to do this for himself.

yes, I see this.
I am seeing much more from talking this out on here, and for that I am grateful.

For what it is worth, the wording 'wifey chores' was actually used in reply to an original comment from @Peace43. Then everyone jumped on me for it!!! It was used in that context!
@CanofCant is right- they are just shit jobs adults have to do. Whatever they are called and whoever does them.

Being house proud is OK. Being clean is OK. Actually enjoying doing chores is ok (because I like them at my standard).

I agree that I have done too much. I accept I may have started this, but will stop and encourage him to replace his machine. Only that will show if he is prepared to make the changes in this relationship.

You are over complicating this. Sorry “Jim” this is not working for me and I am not happy. I do not want to carry on with the way things are.