It is me or the dog

[lockdownloopylalala]

We have been together for nearly 2 years. The first year was great and it still can be now. When we are good we are really good, when we are not it is shit.
Through lockdown it has been hard. I had to work from home and he was doing shifts on site. For the most we worked round this. There was a clash as he was still continuing to see people at work, where I spent all week on my own, locked in 4 walls. We are both tired.
He moved in for the first lockdown. As part of this, we moved his dog in.
The dog- the dog is 17 years old, blind, deaf, has parkinsons, arthritis and while not incontinent, basically pisses wherever he wants at any time. It stinks-not just doggy smell, really old pungent dog smell.
I cannot handle that. I am not sure many people could. To have your kitchen soaked in urine and be constantly cleaning up. I tried nappies (the special dog ones) but just spent my day taking it off and on to allow him to go outside. At night it was saturated and the sofas where he slept also had to be washed daily. It was exhausting and couldnt go on. The final straw was when he went to attack me- this was shortly before he had a stroke, so I accept the aggression was part of that.
Over subsequent lockdowns we were able to form a bubble so OH stayed at home with the dog and we saw each other at the weekend.

Now it has reached a point that at the weekend he comes round for a few hours at a time, but has to go back to the dog every few hours. For example, he will come round late Friday night, stay the night, we are both up early I go shopping or out for a few hours while he spends time with the dog, I will pick him up at lunchtime, we have the afternoon, he goes back to the dog for an hour or 2, then comes back here to sleep. So this continues. In the few hours he is at my house I have to do his washing, ironing and cook for him, so I actually don't see him very much and am tired from it. I work all week and get no rest at the weekend.
I used to work in animal rescue and love animals. I am fully aware the dog is in a bad way and the kindest thing now would be euthanasia, but OH will not consider that. He clamps down and just says 'he is my mate' (like that is ok?). I cannot tell him to put the dog down as that is not my decision.
AIBU?
I feel I am being put 2nd place behind a dog. I feel rejected and like I have to compete for OH attention. I do everything to make OH life easier (hence the cooking, washing etc) but he treats it like a hotel. Even when here is sitting thinking of the dog so I have guilt I am taking him away from it (I dread the day the dog has nother stroke while OH is here. I will be guilted because he wasn't there).

This isn't normal behaviour.
AIBU?

@blackcat86

Well this twat really has it made doesn't he! Doesn't see you all week, sees you for 10 hours at the weekend for a shag and to make sure you do his washing and ironing (who irons these days?) before fucking off and not seeing you again. I mean really??? Really??? He's ignoring his dogs needs, lives in filth (so the poor dog is living in filth to), treats you like a maid and pops in and out of your life as he pleases but you still can't see how little he thinks of you. You desperately need to raise the bar here! Is this really how you think a gf should be treated?

Exactly.

OP your standards are back in the 1950s. He literally doesn't have to do anything other than crack the odd joke and give you the odd cuddle and you're running around him like you're his Mum.

I bet he doesn't even give you orgasms.

You know he’s going to get another dog don’t you....

He's a twat simply for letting his dog suffer in pain for so long.
The dog is just an excuse so he doesn't have to spend more time with you.
He gets his washing done, nice meals and maybe a bit of sex then back to his hovel he goes.
Wisen up OP and dump the scruffy user.

Stop doing the wife work. The hygiene issues would be a dealbreaker for me...poor dog with no quality of life too...I'm not surprised you're fed up.

This all sounds very unhealthy. How are you doing all the 'wifework'? Did you start that yourself or did he create that situation? If so, why did you go along with it?
You're not really getting that much out of this relationship I think. And don't expect him to magically change once the dog's died. Aren't you worth more than being a fuckable mother appliance?

I am questioning if it would be different if the dog was not in this equation. Would the time we spent together be quality then and we can do things together in a clean environment?

He doesn’t live in a disgusting environment because of the dog, it’s because he doesn’t care. He doesn’t clean his own clothes properly because he doesn’t care (and you pick up the slack). This mindset isn’t going to suddenly change when the dog is no longer around, just as he isn’t suddenly going to learn to drive or learn numerous other adult skills.

he works very hard and is a good man. He is kind and funny and we get on well

As a PP said, he’d be a nice friend, but he’s a crap partner, and you should expect so much better in relationships. Seriously, if you want to be a support worker/carer so much there are plenty of those jobs going, but why oh why would you want to look after this bloke!?

The dog does sound very difficult and I know you don’t want people to focus on the chores, but I think you’re actually blaming the dog for a lot of things that are really, as they say on mumsnet, a ‘DP’ problem not a dog problem. Why are you spending the one day you have together doing his laundry and ironing so that you barely see him? Why is he happy for that to be the case? That’s nothing to do with the dog.

I mean this really gently and hope I don’t sound harsh, but I can’t help wondering if you’re fantasising that things would be different without the dog because it’s easier to pin the problems on the dog, than to admit you’re in a pretty poor relationship with someone who gives you absolutely nothing back.

bringing me his washing to do (because he is crap at it).

Oh god, I just re-read and I hadn’t even spotted this part before I posted.

How can anyone be ‘crap’ at putting their clothes in a machine and pushing some buttons?

Let me say again, even more vehemently, this is NOT about the dog.

Nice friend, crap partner. Truly a filthy slob. He won't change and he'll most likely get another dog when this poor thing passes away.

You don't have a dog problem, the poor thing most likely doesn't have long left so that issue will inevitably resolve itself. I get where you are coming from, my husband was very, very attached to our cat and just wouldn't see how ill she was. It's hard to get them to see past the love and see it's time to let go. I can sympathise a little with your OH on that front. Though I do think he should do the right thing and let the dog go if it is suffering.

That said, you do however, have an OH problem. He's taking the piss. Bringing his washing round for you to do? Because he's 'bad' at it? No. He's a big boy with his own place he needs to do his own washing and clean up after his dog properly. Do not move in with this man OP, you will end up his skivvy. You deserve better than that.

Oh OP. Please stop. Just stop. A child of 10 can do washing in a machine, let alone an adult man

He works, so can follow instruction and do what's expected there - but can't work a washing machine?

He's done a right number on you.

You lost my empathy with “wifey chores”.

Have you nothing else to focus on in your life except wifey chores? Why have you chosen to live this way? Why am I even posting on this thread as though this is a real and pressing issue? Fuck knows.

He isn’t a catch. You deserve better and you will find better if you have higher standards. Love yourself.

Even without the dog you'd still be stuck in an unhealthy relationship trying to "fix" the man child and unhappy about how your martyrdom was unappreciated.

Get some heavy therapy would be my advice. You have internalised some really toxic notions.

I am not sure what you want him to do about the dog. The options are kill it or leave it for longer hours. He is already being left to long with the overnight stays poor boy.

Your issue isn’t the dog it is with you DP and his lack of hygiene. If he did his own washing and ironing you wouldn’t feel resentful although you seem to be saying you spend all the time he is at yours doing chores and I don’t know why that would be the case. Washing is a quick job. Does everything/anything need ironing? Cooking I get less worked up about as I would be doing that anyway. He should help though.

If he cleaned his house you could visit him there. If he cleaned his house you could see more of him. If he won’t, why can’t you see him in the week for a walk or something? Do you chat on the phone or facetime?

Lots of people have limited time together through work, family commitments, distance and make it work.

You shouldn’t be blaming the dog. If anything your DPs refusal to leave his dog any longer than he already does is about his only redeeming feature from what you have said here.

He moved in with you once and turned your house into a tip. This is about more than the dog - this grown man can’t even do his own washing? The dog will die eventually (poor thing sounds really unwell) but he’ll stay the same. So what then? You’ll have him live with you and become his maid and mummy?

You admit you’re codependent. So what you should be asking is how you can move forward from that rather than how you can be a bigger part of this mans life so you can rescue him, change him, look after him. It’s so unhealthy.

By the by how does it even work right now with doing chores for him when he comes to yours? Please tell me he doesn’t actually bring bags of clothes to you from his house for you to wash and iron, stays a few hours while you do it and then takes it all home, once a week? Does he also get a once a week shag on top of that other servicing?

God sorry missed earlier posts - he does do that. Jesus wept.

Wow. I was not so clear that my issues were apparent from what I had written, but must be so.
Previous relationships include one with a serious drinking problem (seemed fine, but armed forces a good cover there), and a narcissist who destroyed me (did not see that one. Senior manager, very professional. I was blindsided).
I chose a 'different type' this time. A man who is hard working, quiet, and kind (none of the others were). The big difference with this guy is he is blue collar and I am not. I had no problem with any class divide (is that still a thing in 2021?) until I said something one day and he answered 'you are so fucking middle class'. That did bother me. I have no problems being middle class, but do not look down on someone who is not. I would certainly never say the other way round- 'you are so working class' even as a joke.
Is it that I have different standards from this middle class upbringing? I think I maybe assumed helping him would make him become a better person-or a cleaner one?
On that, he was able to clean until about August last year. His machine broke. The machine was (I estimate) 25 years old? He knew how to work it, but would then pile clothes on top of the radiator to dry. This changed to a radiator dryer where the clothes hung down, which was about the right height for a Jack Russell to cock his leg against. I took on the laundry because I couldnt stand it anymore. The machine then broke, and he has not replaced it- I am unsure if it is because I am doing it or because he is scared of a new one (I am sure I could show him how it works, but he would be too stubborn/ashamed to ask).
He does not come across grubby- with my standard of cleaning and a shower he is perfectly presentable. I cannot take on the house tho.

I genuinely think there is a good man here. I think he lost his way and learned to get by in the old fashioned way-the only way he knew how. I felt sorry for him and thought some TLC would help- or if I showed him how.....but he is VERY set in his ways.

I dont want to find another. I clearly need to work on myself (as you have all pointed out). I too feel unloveable, so being made to feel less important than the dog does hurt enough for me to come on and question my thoughts to the Mumsnet community. Perhaps as you mention, it is not the dog which is the actual issue here and perhaps I needed to hear that. Thank you.

He sounds like a lazy, filthy slob, just what do you see in him?

And no, he shouldn’t be leaving the dog for that long, shame on you both

He had the dog before he met you. Of course you come second. What did you expect? Honestly, get over it - you’re jealous of an elderly dog. I dread to think how you’d behave if you had children and realised that you no longer come first because the children do. He should break up with you and date someone more mature.

It's not the dog.

He could have his place fit for you to visit if he wanted.

Hadn't noticed your last post.

He said to you "you are so fucking middle class" and you didn't leave then?

Why would you stay with someone who speaks to you like that?

Best wishes to you @lockdownloopylalala I just read your most recent update and it does sound very hard