It is me or the dog

[lockdownloopylalala]

We have been together for nearly 2 years. The first year was great and it still can be now. When we are good we are really good, when we are not it is shit.
Through lockdown it has been hard. I had to work from home and he was doing shifts on site. For the most we worked round this. There was a clash as he was still continuing to see people at work, where I spent all week on my own, locked in 4 walls. We are both tired.
He moved in for the first lockdown. As part of this, we moved his dog in.
The dog- the dog is 17 years old, blind, deaf, has parkinsons, arthritis and while not incontinent, basically pisses wherever he wants at any time. It stinks-not just doggy smell, really old pungent dog smell.
I cannot handle that. I am not sure many people could. To have your kitchen soaked in urine and be constantly cleaning up. I tried nappies (the special dog ones) but just spent my day taking it off and on to allow him to go outside. At night it was saturated and the sofas where he slept also had to be washed daily. It was exhausting and couldnt go on. The final straw was when he went to attack me- this was shortly before he had a stroke, so I accept the aggression was part of that.
Over subsequent lockdowns we were able to form a bubble so OH stayed at home with the dog and we saw each other at the weekend.

Now it has reached a point that at the weekend he comes round for a few hours at a time, but has to go back to the dog every few hours. For example, he will come round late Friday night, stay the night, we are both up early I go shopping or out for a few hours while he spends time with the dog, I will pick him up at lunchtime, we have the afternoon, he goes back to the dog for an hour or 2, then comes back here to sleep. So this continues. In the few hours he is at my house I have to do his washing, ironing and cook for him, so I actually don't see him very much and am tired from it. I work all week and get no rest at the weekend.
I used to work in animal rescue and love animals. I am fully aware the dog is in a bad way and the kindest thing now would be euthanasia, but OH will not consider that. He clamps down and just says 'he is my mate' (like that is ok?). I cannot tell him to put the dog down as that is not my decision.
AIBU?
I feel I am being put 2nd place behind a dog. I feel rejected and like I have to compete for OH attention. I do everything to make OH life easier (hence the cooking, washing etc) but he treats it like a hotel. Even when here is sitting thinking of the dog so I have guilt I am taking him away from it (I dread the day the dog has nother stroke while OH is here. I will be guilted because he wasn't there).

This isn't normal behaviour.
AIBU?

@Taliskerskye

OMG JUST LEAVE HIM ALREADY why the fuck would you stay with this man!

I was about to write something very similar.

OP you need to get some therapy because you have extremely low self-esteem and want to stay with a guy who clearly doesn't give a shit about you, or his dog.

I cannot get over a man in his 40s bringing you his basket of washing and ironing to do each week. My vagina would simply shrivel up to dry dust if a man tried this with me.

If his machine is broken, he can use a laundrette. Or use a paid laundry service. Or at a push, do his own washing/drying using your machine, himself, then sort the folding and ironing himself.

As much as the phrase “wifey work” is intolerable, there is a degree of “wife work” associated with being married and cohabiting - but I do believe this should be as close to 50% shared chores as possible. So maybe some wives do all the washing, and the husband does all the dishwasher, etc (“husband work”!?).

But the fact is you aren’t his wife, and you don’t cohabit. You’re just his girlfriend, and he doesn’t even prioritise time with you. I do think you need to find a bit of self respect.

You’re not a rehabilitation centre for a stinking failure of an adult male. There are billions of others out there, you don’t need to try to fix this rancid idiot, you’re being made a fool of.

Forget about potential for change. If things remain exactly as they are, do you want to continue? To me you two sound incompatible.

Your home cultures are completely different.
You value time together completely differently.

I can't see him changing YOU so that you can begin to live happily in dirt and disorder while also accepting that he does not feel that time with you is more important than getting someone else to do his washing/ironing.

Could he work on you and succeed in making you change in these ways? If not - why do you think that you can so completely change him?

How are you doing today OP?

Oh god, OP, he might be kind and funny. But so are literally millions of men in this country.

And a very high proportion - again literally millions - of them can clean themselves, their clothes, their surroundings, can cook, can take adult decisions to do the right thing for suffering animals they profess to love, can keep themselves up to date with the world around them and are not content to live in a falling down hovel of dog piss.

"Not as shit as the others" does not make him a prince among men. You don't have to waste your life wishing he'd clean up his (filthy) act but at least he can tell a joke and doesn't hit you. I'm sorry that you've had such an awful time with previous partners, but your shockingly low standards in such a short space of time are a giant giveaway that you've had such bad history that you'll doormat yourself for a kind word and a pat on the head. He saw you coming, girl. He’s not going to learn how to do housework or laundry whatever. If he wanted to, he'd have done it already. He wants you to do it and if you don't he'll just live in shit, and he'll be happy there.

Kind and funny is ten percent of what you should expect of a partner. Like, I'm sure there are hamsters who could do that much and are probably cleaner.

I say this very gently OP, but have you considered therapy? By your own admission you’ve had some awful relationships in the past and your self esteem is so low that you think anything about this relationship is “good” or that he is a “good” man is deeply concerning. You deserve better than this.

You've got hung up on the dog.

I would say that taking close care of an extremely elderly dog in its twilight months is a good thing, and I would see it as good and kind quality. But of course the way you describe your relationship doesn't remotely come across as being with someone kind, so there are things about the man (totally separate to how he is with the dog) that are majorly outweighing kindness to animals

So your problem isn't the dog (solveable - you go to his for the most part, instead of him coming to yours) but it's easier for you to blame the dog than it is to look at what's really wrong. With the man.

If the dog died tomorrow, his house would still stink and the washing machine would still be broken. You would still be unpaid help. I know a man like this lives in his dead mother house for last 25 years been courting a decade engaged for seven years he won't let her change a thing so she remains in her own nice modern home.