It is me or the dog

[lockdownloopylalala]

We have been together for nearly 2 years. The first year was great and it still can be now. When we are good we are really good, when we are not it is shit.
Through lockdown it has been hard. I had to work from home and he was doing shifts on site. For the most we worked round this. There was a clash as he was still continuing to see people at work, where I spent all week on my own, locked in 4 walls. We are both tired.
He moved in for the first lockdown. As part of this, we moved his dog in.
The dog- the dog is 17 years old, blind, deaf, has parkinsons, arthritis and while not incontinent, basically pisses wherever he wants at any time. It stinks-not just doggy smell, really old pungent dog smell.
I cannot handle that. I am not sure many people could. To have your kitchen soaked in urine and be constantly cleaning up. I tried nappies (the special dog ones) but just spent my day taking it off and on to allow him to go outside. At night it was saturated and the sofas where he slept also had to be washed daily. It was exhausting and couldnt go on. The final straw was when he went to attack me- this was shortly before he had a stroke, so I accept the aggression was part of that.
Over subsequent lockdowns we were able to form a bubble so OH stayed at home with the dog and we saw each other at the weekend.

Now it has reached a point that at the weekend he comes round for a few hours at a time, but has to go back to the dog every few hours. For example, he will come round late Friday night, stay the night, we are both up early I go shopping or out for a few hours while he spends time with the dog, I will pick him up at lunchtime, we have the afternoon, he goes back to the dog for an hour or 2, then comes back here to sleep. So this continues. In the few hours he is at my house I have to do his washing, ironing and cook for him, so I actually don't see him very much and am tired from it. I work all week and get no rest at the weekend.
I used to work in animal rescue and love animals. I am fully aware the dog is in a bad way and the kindest thing now would be euthanasia, but OH will not consider that. He clamps down and just says 'he is my mate' (like that is ok?). I cannot tell him to put the dog down as that is not my decision.
AIBU?
I feel I am being put 2nd place behind a dog. I feel rejected and like I have to compete for OH attention. I do everything to make OH life easier (hence the cooking, washing etc) but he treats it like a hotel. Even when here is sitting thinking of the dog so I have guilt I am taking him away from it (I dread the day the dog has nother stroke while OH is here. I will be guilted because he wasn't there).

This isn't normal behaviour.
AIBU?

@lockdownloopylalala

'wifey chore' 'wifey work' etc etc was just purely a way to describe what is housework. It is not about how I have described this work, in whichever PC term. It is not intended as some form of sexist remark, merely as a way of describing the jobs done in a simple form. The question is not how PC I am, but whether I desrve more from a relationship. If I am BU for using the 'wifey' term then I apologise. It was not meant in the way it has been taken

It doesn't really matter what you call it (but yes the wifey bit is awful) it's about what you are willing to do and put up with. You don't see him much but when you do, you're doing his washing etc? Wtf?

If what he is able/willing to give isn't enough then end the relationship. You can't change him, you can't make him make you more of a priority but you can decide what to accept.

Only you can change this situation because he's not going to.

I am questioning if it would be different if the dog was not in this equation.
Would the time we spent together be quality then and we can do things together in a clean environment?
Should I give him time to be with the dog and rekindle a relationship after it passes or is that just worse? I am allowing myself to be treated worse by waiting for him to give me some time? That is making myself more of a doormat surely?

Yes you do deserve more than 10 hours a week seeing him especially when some of that is spent doing his washing and ironing! But you know this so that is a start. Now you just have to decide if you end the relationship or wait and see if things will change but given he can't wash his own clothes properly or keep his house tidy I'm not sure it will.

Honestly op, I just can't get past the fact that you are doing all these "chores" for this selfish, lazy, grubby man. You think he is going to suddenly change when the dog dies? He will almost certainly carry on being selfish, lazy and grubby.

And yes, you do deserve more than this.

Cross posted with your last post. I wouldn't wait around to find out. It's unlikely he will suddenly start doing his chores and cleaning his house and stop expecting you to look after things. In my experience things don't get better after 2 years they get worse as you naturally take each other's presence as a given so stop making as much of an effort to impress.

How old is he? Has he been in a relationship before?

Who did he washing & cooking after his Gran died & you started doing it?

Washing its 2021. Open washing machine for, Ning clothes in, bung washing tab in choose standard cleaning option, press go.

Even my god son who had an accident snd a severe brain injury (after almost having life support turn off had to learn how to eat, speak, walk etc can do his own laundry now (several years later). FGS if he can't operate a washing machine...

Cook? What does he do all week?

The dog aside. You need to get therapy for your co dependence, amongst other things.

OH will not see the other side of how much I do to allow him the time with the dog. I feel less worthy than a dog, which is really hard

The dog is not the problem here. The boyfriend is.

@lockdownloopylalala

I am questioning if it would be different if the dog was not in this equation. Would the time we spent together be quality then and we can do things together in a clean environment? Should I give him time to be with the dog and rekindle a relationship after it passes or is that just worse? I am allowing myself to be treated worse by waiting for him to give me some time? That is making myself more of a doormat surely?

His lack of personal hygiene has nothing to do with the dog. What does he say when you tell him his house smells and is dirty?

He sounds unhygienic, lazy and a bit dim if he can’t operate a washing machine or a bank account properly. He is also very selfish and I can’t imagine any future in this relationship. You can surely do better than this op!! Believe in yourself a bit.

No issue with the terms like ,’wifey things’ but i think you are being absolutely unreasonable about the dog If you let man and dog move in you could support But you who says you live animals resent the cleaning up that comes after 17 years of loyalty from the dog If i was your partner i would be considering if i wanted to be with someone who is so selfish

@ThinkWittyThoughts

You're being used. At the start of your relationship - this is probably the beat it will ever be.

The dog is a distraction.

If the dog passed away and you lived together, you would get worn down by the laziness (untidy), the lack of hygiene, and deliberate helplessness.

He hasn’t asked you to teach him how to do his own laundry, has he?

You do deserve more. You deserve so very much more than this man child.
Get out. Now.

This.

My God, don't move in with him! The problems with his dog are magnified by the fact he is a lazy, selfish oaf. If this was a mutually beneficial partnership then he would be cleaning up after the dog and taking your need into consideration. I find it really sad that you are not only putting up with this but actively making yourself more downtrodden by running around cleaning up after him. You deserve better.

We’re not being mean saying move on, we’re listening to what you’ve told us and trying to help you have a happier more fulfilling life.

Your wishes are important. Yes, you need to be cherished and loved and to feel special in a relationship. If you enjoy cleaning & doing laundry get a part time job as a cleaner and at least get paid,

You deserve more in life.

@Aprilx

In the few hours he is at my house, I have to do his washing, ironing and cook for him

I can’t get past this. No you don’t have to do those things. If a man brought his washing and ironing round for me to do I would laugh at him.

I am on the fence about the dog.

I really agree with this.

When he goes home to spend time with the dog, then he can potter round doing his washing etc, he does NOT need you to do it.

He is treating the place like a hotel, because you are providing the hotel services.

I have a dog, I love my dog, in his circumstances I would put the dog to sleep. But he is not ready to do that yet. So back off. He comes to you on Friday and goes home on Saturday. You get to relax and chill on Saturday. No talk of him moving back in until dog has gone.

I cant see what he does for me anymore. from your posts I cannot see one thing you have said which makes me think you want to be with him, or that you are getting anythign out of this relationship

Bloody hell OP. Were you born with 'doormat' stamped on your head or did you get it tattooed on later?

You are nothing more than a servant to him.

If a man ever brought laundry round to my house for me to do 'because you're so good at it' he'd have been dumped.

Stop doing the cooking.

Stop doing his laundry.

Stop driving him everywhere.

End this farce of a relationship, see a therapist to work on your co-dependency and self-esteem, and then go and find an adult to date who isn't foxed by everyday tasks.

The dog is a red herring.

Dog issue aside

He’s a slob, if he has a house like that, and can’t do his own washing properly.

He won’t change.

Why would you want to be with someone like that? Find someone who is capable of basic functions as well as being able to have fun together.

BUT he works very hard and is a good man. He is kind and funny and we get on well.
I bet you are kind and funny and get on well and you also bring 100 other things to the table (including picking up the filthy slack that he’s dropped). You’re bringing so much more to this relationship than he is. You deserve better.

You already know the answer to this, OP.

And you also already know you're not being selfish.

You don't need our permission to cut him off.

Fucking hell he's got it made hasnt he? You're doing all his housework, doing all the driving, everything. The dog is a red herring. The truth is your boyfriend is a lazy shit who doesn't want to do anything for you and he's using a very old dog that sounds like it needs to be pts as an excuse to treat you like shit. Dump the boyfriend and find one that cares enough to want to make you happy.

The dog is simply a symbol that he is ineffectual in every way. When action needs to be taken, be it house or basic skills, he buries his head and plods on the only way he knows how.
I'm sure he's very nice but I think you need to think carefully about whether plodding through life is enough for you. He's shown with the dog that much as you might want him to change, he doesn't want to

I’m sorry you have to deal with this but he treats you and the dog terribly.
I wouldn’t / couldn’t put up with this.
Time for them to move on and for you to find someone who treats you properly.

You desperately need to improve your self worth, your self esteem and confidence and you'll realise this is a horrible relationship and you don't have to put up with it. I feel so bad for you accepting this and having a partner who uses you and doesn't respect you in the slightest.

Please get some counselling

He sounds like he would be a lovely friend, but not a great partner. Hes dirty and unhygenic and would be no good to live with as a life partner.
The poor dog will be on his last legs. Even for a hardy breed such as a jrt or staffie thats old. Our old staffie lived till 17 and my dp wouldnt get her PTS when i could see it was time. It was hard to see the poor girl like that. You cant push it. Lots of people prefer to let their dog go naturally, like you would a human. Its not fair to pressure someone about their dog. It has to be his choice.
Id back off if I were you and see what happens when the dog isnt there anymore if you are still interested then

Op you need to reset. What do you do to relax / enjoy yourself independently?
I recommend you take a step back from doing his washing and ironing and in the spare time you have generated do something for you..a hobby or volunteering .. something positive that you enjoy

He won't be able to spend less time with his dog until it sadly dies. I think that's fair enough but from your posts it seems he is using you and I'm not sure what you get from the relationship.

Tell him that his ability to wash and iron will improve with practise

The dog will not be about for a long time, regardless of your different views about the dog's health and what should be done. I can understand anyone not wishing to lose a dog or cat.

However, this is a man who makes Jacob Rees-Mogg look modern by comparison, and you deserve better.